Sarah has really gotten into my core. I have avoided the blog because I had been posting at work, and this worried me.
Now, I can write freely. My attraction to Sarah is intensifying. I don't understand this, nor do I seek to understand this. I've become quite obsessed, practically addicted, checking my emails repeatedly throughout the day.
I want Sarah to live in my neighbourhood, and then I feel very guilty about this desire, almost like I don't deserve this for myself. I confuse her with my mixed signals, and this then makes me sad. She deserves clarity and she doesn't always get this from me.
You can see my note below, where I wrote that Sarah is showing a side of herself as a Hot Dominant Bitch. She's extremely loving, incredibly loving, but she also has this within her. I want her to know that I love her. And she can reveal this part of herself without fear of abandonment.
I know she has been reluctant because it's considered socially unacceptable. But I don't care about that.
The fact that she posted my comment on this blog---out of all the comments I made yesterday---suggests to me that at some level, it struck a chord.
Sarah likes hearing from me on the blog because I open up. She's correct. I am the kid in the candy store. I'm attracted to everything, but that doesn't mean that everything will always taste good. I need her guidance to lead me at the correct pace. She has done a spectacular job so far.
Iwish she was here to suck my cock. I wish she was here to push me on the bed and fuck me. I wish she could fuck my face.
I hope she's not too harsh on me when I get very excited. I can't help my deep sexual attraction for Sarah. It's just meant to be. I need Sarah. She keeps me grounded when everything is going astray.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Monday, 5 December 2011
The Way We Are...
I am seriously hoping that the "dry spell" this blog has been struggling under is soon over. Although I started this blog, and there shouldn't be an expectation for anyone else to post here, I find I get bored with it when Zack isn't around. I like reading what Zack has to say - he lets his real thoughts and feelings out here, I learn about him here. yes, we have been together almost 2 1/2 years and I am still learning about him. And we are both learning about ourselves.
Last Friday was sort of a "milestone" for us, I think. We seem to have moved forward.. in great strides.
Today, Zack sent me this e-mail:
"I like this message from you.
At this point in your life, it appears like you need a slave to boss around and fuck...just as I need what only you can give: stern demanding commands underscored by deep love.
We're both coming to terms with the fact that it turns me on to be your complete slut, just as you must have ownership to feel fulfilled.
You're a hot Dominant Bitch. Just thinking about you this way gets me close to cumming, but I won't, because I know it's not permitted."
What I had written was:
You did this - you finally trust me. That trust has allowed you to feel what's inside and to share it with me, knowing you are safe. The impact of that has resulted in me doing the same.
I want you. I WANT to own you, I WANT you as my boy toy, I WANT to control you - and not just sexually (but at this point I'll take what I can get). Not only do I want this for me, for me to take/have that control over someone but because I also know that this kind of relationship makes you feel as complete as I do, brings you as much pleasure as I get.
I have always loved you, from the very first day, but I have not always been happy. There have been times when I have been downright miserable and as a result have made you miserable as well. But "something" made us stick it out, and something made me watch that particular interview (about Dominatrix).
This path we are on is the one we are destined to travel. Being your Mistress is the very best feeling in the world.
I have never felt so strong, so confident. You did that.
Your reward will be endless experiences at my desire, at my will. You will serve me as I wish - sexually for now, but I want to be confident that there is hope for more in the future (and before I am too old to wield the crop or wear those boots lol)
One day I WILL have you naked at the door waiting for your Mistress to arrive home.
One day.
We are spending next Thursday afternoon together. I will order Zack to write about it here. Trust me when I tell you - It is going to be an afternoon neither of us will ever forget.
Last Friday was sort of a "milestone" for us, I think. We seem to have moved forward.. in great strides.
Today, Zack sent me this e-mail:
"I like this message from you.
At this point in your life, it appears like you need a slave to boss around and fuck...just as I need what only you can give: stern demanding commands underscored by deep love.
We're both coming to terms with the fact that it turns me on to be your complete slut, just as you must have ownership to feel fulfilled.
You're a hot Dominant Bitch. Just thinking about you this way gets me close to cumming, but I won't, because I know it's not permitted."
What I had written was:
You did this - you finally trust me. That trust has allowed you to feel what's inside and to share it with me, knowing you are safe. The impact of that has resulted in me doing the same.
I want you. I WANT to own you, I WANT you as my boy toy, I WANT to control you - and not just sexually (but at this point I'll take what I can get). Not only do I want this for me, for me to take/have that control over someone but because I also know that this kind of relationship makes you feel as complete as I do, brings you as much pleasure as I get.
I have always loved you, from the very first day, but I have not always been happy. There have been times when I have been downright miserable and as a result have made you miserable as well. But "something" made us stick it out, and something made me watch that particular interview (about Dominatrix).
This path we are on is the one we are destined to travel. Being your Mistress is the very best feeling in the world.
I have never felt so strong, so confident. You did that.
Your reward will be endless experiences at my desire, at my will. You will serve me as I wish - sexually for now, but I want to be confident that there is hope for more in the future (and before I am too old to wield the crop or wear those boots lol)
One day I WILL have you naked at the door waiting for your Mistress to arrive home.
One day.
We are spending next Thursday afternoon together. I will order Zack to write about it here. Trust me when I tell you - It is going to be an afternoon neither of us will ever forget.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Sometimes it is Just Too Hard to Analyse....
(This was written Nov. 19 - Zack and I have discussed this, but I still wanted to include this here. I do not know when, or if, Zack will ever get on here to add his thoughts)
It's been a tough week. I had hoped Zack would have gotten on here to share his thoughts and feelings about the last afternoon we spent together. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, and that has ended up to be a challenge for me.
In our relationship there is a desire by us both to have new experiences. Zack is very much my little boy in the candy shop - he thinks he wants it all. But as we all know, the candy always looks great, but doesn't necessarily taste the way we hoped - sometimes it can be very distasteful indeed. My focus is always on what is good for him and it is very important to me that every experience he has is a good one.
Some time ago, as we were making out in my car, Zack asked me about the idea of peeing on him, of christening him with my urine. As it was, this was something we both thought we wanted to try. I had no idea how I would feel about it, and there is no way Zack could either. He asked me what was holding us back if we both wanted it?? What was holding me back was the fear that we would do this, and the experience would be so bad for him that he would somehow turn away from me as a result. He has constantly tried to reassure me that this would never happen - but how could he know that for sure?
When we spent our last afternoon together, I pulled out all the stops - there were many new things we engaged in. There was punishment for Zack as a result of a previous infraction (the crop got a work out on his ass), hot waxing his ass again, as well as some very specific attention being paid to his very virginal, but deliciously enticing, ass. (yep, his ass got a lot of attention that day!) - and then there was the christening. This was the hardest for me - and I watched him the entire time looking for his response. Afterwards, Zack was adamant that he enjoyed every moment. I wanted so much to believe him. I asked him to write his thoughts and perceptions here. What happen after that was solely as a result of my own insecurities.
I knew he was very busy at work. I knew that there were many things going on in his life that prevented him from both writing here and keeping in touch with me. What he was able to tell me afterwards was that he had to process everything that had gone on. I was able to bask in the afterglow of that afternoon for a few days - actually more than a few days. But the lack of connection with Zack took it's toll and my inner demons reared their ugly heads. One thing that about human nature is that we have to always make sense of those things that are important to us. If we don't have all the facts, then we just make up what seems reasonable to us - we create our own story, regardless of what the truth may actually be. And that is exactly what I did.
Since I wrote this, Zack and I have discussed that afternoon. He assures me he will never leave me, he will never turn away from me. I need to beleive him. I need to stop letting my insecurities take me over.
It's been a tough week. I had hoped Zack would have gotten on here to share his thoughts and feelings about the last afternoon we spent together. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, and that has ended up to be a challenge for me.
In our relationship there is a desire by us both to have new experiences. Zack is very much my little boy in the candy shop - he thinks he wants it all. But as we all know, the candy always looks great, but doesn't necessarily taste the way we hoped - sometimes it can be very distasteful indeed. My focus is always on what is good for him and it is very important to me that every experience he has is a good one.
Some time ago, as we were making out in my car, Zack asked me about the idea of peeing on him, of christening him with my urine. As it was, this was something we both thought we wanted to try. I had no idea how I would feel about it, and there is no way Zack could either. He asked me what was holding us back if we both wanted it?? What was holding me back was the fear that we would do this, and the experience would be so bad for him that he would somehow turn away from me as a result. He has constantly tried to reassure me that this would never happen - but how could he know that for sure?
When we spent our last afternoon together, I pulled out all the stops - there were many new things we engaged in. There was punishment for Zack as a result of a previous infraction (the crop got a work out on his ass), hot waxing his ass again, as well as some very specific attention being paid to his very virginal, but deliciously enticing, ass. (yep, his ass got a lot of attention that day!) - and then there was the christening. This was the hardest for me - and I watched him the entire time looking for his response. Afterwards, Zack was adamant that he enjoyed every moment. I wanted so much to believe him. I asked him to write his thoughts and perceptions here. What happen after that was solely as a result of my own insecurities.
I knew he was very busy at work. I knew that there were many things going on in his life that prevented him from both writing here and keeping in touch with me. What he was able to tell me afterwards was that he had to process everything that had gone on. I was able to bask in the afterglow of that afternoon for a few days - actually more than a few days. But the lack of connection with Zack took it's toll and my inner demons reared their ugly heads. One thing that about human nature is that we have to always make sense of those things that are important to us. If we don't have all the facts, then we just make up what seems reasonable to us - we create our own story, regardless of what the truth may actually be. And that is exactly what I did.
Since I wrote this, Zack and I have discussed that afternoon. He assures me he will never leave me, he will never turn away from me. I need to beleive him. I need to stop letting my insecurities take me over.
Monday, 14 November 2011
Three Paths - Only 1 Option?
I had a discussion last week with someone who gave me things I need to consider. The one point that stood out for me was that I needed to "stop waiting" for my life to begin. He was referring to my current living arrangements and my marriage.
My life is far from done, but I keep waiting - always waiting for someone else to make the first move, someone else to change in a way that will result in me being more content within my life.
And now I realize that I need to practise what I preach - no one can be responsible for your happiness except yourself. I can't wait for anyone else- I am the one who has to change.
So I am back to my 3 paths - but 1 and 2 don't really seem like viable options at the moment. Unless I can come up with an other option, #3 will have to be seriously considered. Why can't life be simpler where people can just live happily ever after?
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
My life is far from done, but I keep waiting - always waiting for someone else to make the first move, someone else to change in a way that will result in me being more content within my life.
And now I realize that I need to practise what I preach - no one can be responsible for your happiness except yourself. I can't wait for anyone else- I am the one who has to change.
So I am back to my 3 paths - but 1 and 2 don't really seem like viable options at the moment. Unless I can come up with an other option, #3 will have to be seriously considered. Why can't life be simpler where people can just live happily ever after?
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Thursday, 3 November 2011
And Then Everything is Right in the World....
Let Me use an old euphemism "all's right with the world" - at least with MY world. I spent the most delicious time with Zack today - and plenty of it. (of course, I can always spend more time with Zack, but today was awesome) there were many new experiences for both of us, but I am going to let Zack tell you all about it. Suffice it to say, I feel much closer to and more in control of Zack. He proved to me today that he is committed to this relationship and to serving Me in the way a good slave should. He is eager to be trained, equally as eager to please.
We had an interesting discussion today as well. Zack is desperate to do anything for Me so that my needs are met, so that I am happy, and to prove his devotion. He gave an example: if I wanted to tie him to a chair, bring in another man and force him to watch Me fuck him, he would do that if it were something I wanted and it made Me happy. My response was that even IF that scenario were something I wanted to play out, I don't believe it would make him feel secure or happy, and there is no way I could ever intentionally set up something that would hurt him. Zack means everything to Me and causing him any kind of emotional distress is beyond anything I could ever do.
Then I reminded him of another scenario I had proposed. Zack took a trip to new Orleans last summer. I wanted to go with him - this was I suggested we could do: We would go to a lesbian bar there. He would sit off somewhere and watch Me hit on another woman. He would watch while I kissed her, touched her breasts, maybe even slide my hand up under her skirt. then, I would take him and her back to the hotel, tie him to a chair and then force him to watch me fuck HER. Then I would fuck him. And if we were very lucky, perhaps she would fuck him as well - but not his cock. His cock is ALL mine. no one gets that cock. I would let her fuck his face only. I would keep him restrained and blindfolded while she did that. I suspect he may not want to, but too bad - his face is Mine to use as I wish. After she was done, she would pay for his services and leave. THEN, he would get all of my attention.
I think this scenario appeals to Zack. I know it appeals to Me. I just have to get him away to another city, away from here.
After Zack tells you his thoughts about today's activities, I'll share Mine with you. Enjoy!
We had an interesting discussion today as well. Zack is desperate to do anything for Me so that my needs are met, so that I am happy, and to prove his devotion. He gave an example: if I wanted to tie him to a chair, bring in another man and force him to watch Me fuck him, he would do that if it were something I wanted and it made Me happy. My response was that even IF that scenario were something I wanted to play out, I don't believe it would make him feel secure or happy, and there is no way I could ever intentionally set up something that would hurt him. Zack means everything to Me and causing him any kind of emotional distress is beyond anything I could ever do.
Then I reminded him of another scenario I had proposed. Zack took a trip to new Orleans last summer. I wanted to go with him - this was I suggested we could do: We would go to a lesbian bar there. He would sit off somewhere and watch Me hit on another woman. He would watch while I kissed her, touched her breasts, maybe even slide my hand up under her skirt. then, I would take him and her back to the hotel, tie him to a chair and then force him to watch me fuck HER. Then I would fuck him. And if we were very lucky, perhaps she would fuck him as well - but not his cock. His cock is ALL mine. no one gets that cock. I would let her fuck his face only. I would keep him restrained and blindfolded while she did that. I suspect he may not want to, but too bad - his face is Mine to use as I wish. After she was done, she would pay for his services and leave. THEN, he would get all of my attention.
I think this scenario appeals to Zack. I know it appeals to Me. I just have to get him away to another city, away from here.
After Zack tells you his thoughts about today's activities, I'll share Mine with you. Enjoy!
Saturday, 29 October 2011
And The World Tilts Sideways...
I don't know what is happening. Suddenly, I am feeling... well, I am not sure what I am feeling, except a heightened consciousness of Zack. Sure, I have had him in My mind night and day for the past 27 months (and one would think that the excitement, passion and sheer lust wold have worn off or at least diminished by now) but this is new. I hear his voice in My sleep - loud enough to wake Me up, My skin feels his touch long after we have parted, I can still feel his cock buried deep inside Me from yesterday. Suddenly, I WANT this man more than I ever thought possible. My lust for him is insatiable.
Perhaps this is in anticipation of what is to come, a response to the new level our relationship has arrived at. I can feel the Dom coming out in Me - not only with Zack, but in other aspects of My life as well. The feeling is strongest around Zack, but that strength lingers and is now becoming part of who I am at work and in My home life as well.
I've seen a change in Zack. I suspect he is going through an "awakening" of his own. He is giving himself over to me in a greater capacity than before. He is allowing it to become a part of him. I feel that, I sense the desire in him, and I know that he wants and NEEDS this as much as I do.
We are hoping to get some '"play" time next Thursday. I've told Zack that play is going to be more intense, more experiential than ever before. He knows he is going to be disciplined for his indiscretions the last time we were together - selfishly orgasming while I deliriously fucked his face. I am also bringing out the hot wax again - this time I will be better prepared so it won't be so messy in the room (wax flakes EVERYWHERE!! LOL). He will not only feel the burn of the spanking he is going to get but the hot wax on his ass that will follow. Those endorphins should be flowing strong by then. He is going to get fucked every way I can think of. And at some point in the day he will be baptised by My hot urine. Something about this, doing this to him and for the both of us goes directly to the core of My being, the very most primal part. Yesterday, Zack and I got together for a visit. Can I tell you that just being in his presence causes Me to feel things I had no idea was inside me. I had told him earlier in the week that the next time we play, he will experience My ownership in a new way - he was going to feel the heat of my urine raining on him. We were kissing and he whispered in my ear "I want that, I want you to pee on me. You want to do it, you want it as well, so what is holding us back?" The answer? Nothing, nothing but time and opportunity. His question sent a rush through My body, My mind spun. That was when I ordered him into the back seat of the car - I needed to fuck him right then and there. I needed to settle the rush in my head. I orgasmed almost immediately. It did little to minimize the arousal, the lust, the intense passion I was feeling. I'm doomed. I love it.
I am being consumed. I like it. I welcome it. I am excited for what is to come.
Perhaps this is in anticipation of what is to come, a response to the new level our relationship has arrived at. I can feel the Dom coming out in Me - not only with Zack, but in other aspects of My life as well. The feeling is strongest around Zack, but that strength lingers and is now becoming part of who I am at work and in My home life as well.
I've seen a change in Zack. I suspect he is going through an "awakening" of his own. He is giving himself over to me in a greater capacity than before. He is allowing it to become a part of him. I feel that, I sense the desire in him, and I know that he wants and NEEDS this as much as I do.
We are hoping to get some '"play" time next Thursday. I've told Zack that play is going to be more intense, more experiential than ever before. He knows he is going to be disciplined for his indiscretions the last time we were together - selfishly orgasming while I deliriously fucked his face. I am also bringing out the hot wax again - this time I will be better prepared so it won't be so messy in the room (wax flakes EVERYWHERE!! LOL). He will not only feel the burn of the spanking he is going to get but the hot wax on his ass that will follow. Those endorphins should be flowing strong by then. He is going to get fucked every way I can think of. And at some point in the day he will be baptised by My hot urine. Something about this, doing this to him and for the both of us goes directly to the core of My being, the very most primal part. Yesterday, Zack and I got together for a visit. Can I tell you that just being in his presence causes Me to feel things I had no idea was inside me. I had told him earlier in the week that the next time we play, he will experience My ownership in a new way - he was going to feel the heat of my urine raining on him. We were kissing and he whispered in my ear "I want that, I want you to pee on me. You want to do it, you want it as well, so what is holding us back?" The answer? Nothing, nothing but time and opportunity. His question sent a rush through My body, My mind spun. That was when I ordered him into the back seat of the car - I needed to fuck him right then and there. I needed to settle the rush in my head. I orgasmed almost immediately. It did little to minimize the arousal, the lust, the intense passion I was feeling. I'm doomed. I love it.
I am being consumed. I like it. I welcome it. I am excited for what is to come.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Reflections...
While I drive to work my mind is always in action. This morning, after listening to Brian Melo's song "Anywhere But Here", I had to reflect on my current situation. I no longer feel regret over the last 20 or so years of my marriage, I just wish it were over. For a number of reasons, it can't be, so here I am - listening to a song I can easily relate to; my future is anywhere but here.
Which leads me to Zack and our relationship. I had never had an affair before, there has never been anyone else in my life but my husband. But there came a point in my life when I was examining everything in it, and along came Zack.
Which leads me to Zack and our relationship. I had never had an affair before, there has never been anyone else in my life but my husband. But there came a point in my life when I was examining everything in it, and along came Zack.
Monday, 24 October 2011
I Can't Sleep...
Thoughts of my meeting with Zack yesterday afternoon are filling My mind, making it impossible to sleep.
Every encounter seems to open another door for us to step through. Yesterday I saw (on his face) and heard (in his voice as well as in his words) how much Zack wants My Domination, NEEDS My Domination, and I realize how much I need to Dominate him. He is quite right - My confidence in this IS deepening with every date we have. What is curious, and I think unique to us, is that I don't have these feelings, this need, for anyone else. I have a husband whom I suspect just might welcome a certain level of sexual dominance from Me, yet I have no interest there. Zack tells Me the same- that he only feels this way with Me. He only want ME as his Mistress.
Every encounter seems to open another door for us to step through. Yesterday I saw (on his face) and heard (in his voice as well as in his words) how much Zack wants My Domination, NEEDS My Domination, and I realize how much I need to Dominate him. He is quite right - My confidence in this IS deepening with every date we have. What is curious, and I think unique to us, is that I don't have these feelings, this need, for anyone else. I have a husband whom I suspect just might welcome a certain level of sexual dominance from Me, yet I have no interest there. Zack tells Me the same- that he only feels this way with Me. He only want ME as his Mistress.
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Zack, Zack, Zack....
My darling, I do not want you to feel any insecurities. When I say "time will tell" it simply means that over time we will see how things evolve. Nothing more than that.
I PROMISE TO NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I WILL NOT DISRUPT YOUR LIFE. That would hurt you and that is the very last thing I want to do. We will work around the obstacles so that we both get what we want and need from this relationship.
Each time we are together we seem to make a new discovery about each other. Today was no different. I needed you so desperately today - My almost instant orgasm when your beautiful, huge cock slid inside Me was clear evidence of how much. Even I was caught off guard by it.
We both want more in this relationship. You are ready to surrender yourself to Me. I am ready to take us both to greater heights in this relationship. Our only stumbling block will be time and opportunity. I hope we can work around our limitations because I want to play with you - I want to do it all, experience it all, but I do not want to rush you. I want to build you up to these experiences so that not only can you look forward to them, but you can get extreme pleasure from them as well.
I do not take you or this relationship for granted. It is serious to Me, and you are the most important person in my life. Your joy and happiness is paramount in My mind.
I love you.
Sarah
I PROMISE TO NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I WILL NOT DISRUPT YOUR LIFE. That would hurt you and that is the very last thing I want to do. We will work around the obstacles so that we both get what we want and need from this relationship.
Each time we are together we seem to make a new discovery about each other. Today was no different. I needed you so desperately today - My almost instant orgasm when your beautiful, huge cock slid inside Me was clear evidence of how much. Even I was caught off guard by it.
We both want more in this relationship. You are ready to surrender yourself to Me. I am ready to take us both to greater heights in this relationship. Our only stumbling block will be time and opportunity. I hope we can work around our limitations because I want to play with you - I want to do it all, experience it all, but I do not want to rush you. I want to build you up to these experiences so that not only can you look forward to them, but you can get extreme pleasure from them as well.
I do not take you or this relationship for granted. It is serious to Me, and you are the most important person in my life. Your joy and happiness is paramount in My mind.
I love you.
Sarah
response to Sarah's last post on structure
This note of Sarah's offered me insights that I hadn't considered. I feel Sarah's desire to Dominate more fully, more completely, and more frequently. Consciously, I welcome this.
Perhaps Sarah is right about some unconscious resistance. But if it is unconscious, it's invisible to me. I have always had some resistance to authority. Maybe it's because authority figures have often let me down. I don't feel that Sarah will let me down, but I do worry when I see her write words like "time will tell". It heightens my insecurity somewhat.
We both know that I could fall into 24/7 servitude, which would thoroughly disrupt my life. I definitely have this in me. Sarah knows this, too.
Zack
Perhaps Sarah is right about some unconscious resistance. But if it is unconscious, it's invisible to me. I have always had some resistance to authority. Maybe it's because authority figures have often let me down. I don't feel that Sarah will let me down, but I do worry when I see her write words like "time will tell". It heightens my insecurity somewhat.
We both know that I could fall into 24/7 servitude, which would thoroughly disrupt my life. I definitely have this in me. Sarah knows this, too.
Zack
Sarah is my true Mistress. My Mistress always knows what is best for me, even when I don’t or might not agree. Because she is my Mistress it is my duty and desire to be her perfect slave, to follow all of her orders and instructions without question and to do everything in my power to please her. My Mistress brings balance and fulfillment to my life; without her I am no longer whole.
This is my mantra. I must never forget it. Mistress owns me in all ways, including my mouth.
She can use my mouth whenever she likes. I'm so happy to know that she is really coming to a point where she loves fucking my face.
She still doesn't get how much I enjoy that. The first time she did it was like a dream come true. It's what I've always desired --- being used like a cheap slut.
She can do whatever she wants with me.
Zack
This is my mantra. I must never forget it. Mistress owns me in all ways, including my mouth.
She can use my mouth whenever she likes. I'm so happy to know that she is really coming to a point where she loves fucking my face.
She still doesn't get how much I enjoy that. The first time she did it was like a dream come true. It's what I've always desired --- being used like a cheap slut.
She can do whatever she wants with me.
Zack
Sarah's confidence level
I feel that Sarah is becoming increasingly confident and sure of herself. She has always had this quality, but it's becoming even more apparent to me.
She's growing into her role as a 24/7 Dominant. It really is a major part of her being, and one that she wasn't fully aware of in the past.
I find myself extremely attracted to her inner strength and this self-assurance she carries with her. Her career has taken off in recent years. I think this is related to the way others see her.
Sarah commands respect. She deserves respect. And when she's feeling a bit cranky, I hope that she feels comfortable driving over to my work area, ordering me to join her in the fuckmobile, and forcing me to service her orally. A good slave does what he's told.
I want to be Sarah's good slave. I don't always succeed. But this is what makes me feel complete.
Zack
She's growing into her role as a 24/7 Dominant. It really is a major part of her being, and one that she wasn't fully aware of in the past.
I find myself extremely attracted to her inner strength and this self-assurance she carries with her. Her career has taken off in recent years. I think this is related to the way others see her.
Sarah commands respect. She deserves respect. And when she's feeling a bit cranky, I hope that she feels comfortable driving over to my work area, ordering me to join her in the fuckmobile, and forcing me to service her orally. A good slave does what he's told.
I want to be Sarah's good slave. I don't always succeed. But this is what makes me feel complete.
Zack
Sarah, Zack and Structure..
It's like "Structure" has become our problem child. To hear Zack talk, you would have thought I was trying to pack him up into a nice tight box, and that is ridiculous. I am as unstructured as the he is, maybe even more so if I allowed it. This is the little boy in him - pushing back at an authority figure trying to control him - wanting it, but not wanting it all at the same time. Again, he doesn't understand that I DO know what is best for him and again, I can't help but feel that he is not yet into this 100%. that, or he is simply confused about my expectations. I do not doubt that he loves Me, that he needs Me, that he wants My Dominance, I just think he hasn't gotten to a point of total acceptance - not yet. His subconscious is doing the "push back".
Sarah and structure
Sarah believes I need structure, but I don't think she's aware that I've never had structure in my life. I basically raised myself, and the whole notion of having a structured, planned life is a very foreign concept.
I know she is trying to introduce structure because she knows it's best for me. I think she wants to structure my diet as well.
Then when I don't respond well to this, she feels I'm somehow disrespecting her.
I'm not sure that Sarah fully comprehends why I have such trouble with structure. I hope she never confuses this difficulty I have with a lack of love for her, because there is no lack of love.
I adore Sarah. I adore the way she looks at me. I adore her wild side. She's unpredictable. I need her control in my life. Without it, I'm lost at sea.
Zack
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Structure is a Struggle...
I gave Zack a task. I thought it would be fairly simple: he was to memorize a few statements I prepared for him and repeat them to himself every time he is in the shower. I told him that the next time I saw him, he would be required to repeat it to me.
5 days later we got together to play. At a moment I knew he wouldn't be on guard, I asked the question.
He looked at me rather sheepishly and said, in his little boy voice "I think I'm going to be punished". He hadn't followed the instructions he had been given.
I was actually surprised at how this made me feel. I thought I would feel it was no big deal, but instead I was very disappointed. I took it very personally, even though I know Zack was not acting out of a lack of respect. I knew he had a bad week going on, but in hindsight, I felt my attempt to bring some structure to his life had been discarded. He had told me that "structure" makes him anxious, and this felt like pushback.
Disappointing me was very upsetting to zack. His distress almost broke my heart. How could I be upset? I forgave him, but he needs to understand that I DO know what is best for him and when I give him instructions they are given with careful consideration with his life and work, but I do expect them to be followed.
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5 days later we got together to play. At a moment I knew he wouldn't be on guard, I asked the question.
He looked at me rather sheepishly and said, in his little boy voice "I think I'm going to be punished". He hadn't followed the instructions he had been given.
I was actually surprised at how this made me feel. I thought I would feel it was no big deal, but instead I was very disappointed. I took it very personally, even though I know Zack was not acting out of a lack of respect. I knew he had a bad week going on, but in hindsight, I felt my attempt to bring some structure to his life had been discarded. He had told me that "structure" makes him anxious, and this felt like pushback.
Disappointing me was very upsetting to zack. His distress almost broke my heart. How could I be upset? I forgave him, but he needs to understand that I DO know what is best for him and when I give him instructions they are given with careful consideration with his life and work, but I do expect them to be followed.
Sent from my BlackBerry
Monday, 10 October 2011
It's All About Structure...
Zack needs structure in his life. He does better when he knows what is expected of him and how he can be successful. I have to admit, I have not been very good at providing that. Zack has 3 components in his life - home, work and me. None of us have given him what he needs to make him feel whole. I am going to put processes in place that will give Zack the "structure" he needs. I am sure that if he feels sure and grounded in one life component, he will cope better in all of them. I guess I will have to wait and see.
I am going to give Zack some "rules", some direction that will be standardized in our relationship. It is going to be hard at first, for both of us, but it will be better in the end.
When I get these rules in place I will have Zack post about it here.
Keep your fingers crossed!
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Progress...
I'm new to this role of Mistress. When I started this blog, it was because I wanted to share my experience of coming to this revelation of not only who I am but who Zack is as well. This hasn't been easy.
I read everything I can - I am only happy when I am 100% successful- and that success is determined by my standards, not anyone else's. For ME, doing "my best" is not good enough, ever. When I go into something new, I will devour as much information as I can about the subject. I can't tell you the amounts I have spent on books, classes etc in my life as I went from one thing to the next - starting an aquarium, getting a dog, taking up embroidery, knitting, ceramics - it doesn't matter. And now, I find myself HERE, a self proclaimed Mistress to My boyfriend. It is no surprise that I have spent many hours on the internet researching the lifestyle, the ins and out of being the "M" in an M/s relationship. (I'm grateful for the internet - I don't have to buy books! The money I save buys me equipment instead lol Thanks, Steve Jobs!) What I found in my readings is that there are no rules, there are no instructions on how to be a perfect Mistress. I really hope that others new to this lifestyle stumble across this blog and learn from my experience.
I was reading a forum the other day and one topic that I read was about the existence of Mistress blogs. There seems to be an abundance of Master blogs, but few Mistress ones. The reason for that seems to be based in the societal attitude that women are still the weaker sex, and that a Mistress blog might expose a "weakness" in her.
Well, I believe the opposite to be true: as I write here, I am able to sort my thoughts and ideas. I find this blog makes me stronger in my role, but also allows me to demonstrate my "softer" side as well. A Mistress is the best of both worlds. She is strong, in control, sure of what she wants and demands those wants be delivered. She is also kind, loving, caring and forgiving. She is very intuitive to the feelings and needs of her slave without being taken advantage of. She makes sure her slave knows his place, that he is clear on the rules. Her primary goal is to improve not only her own life, but the life of her slave as well - mutual pleasure and happiness.
I'm getting there. My discussions with Zack have given me something to think about, and have enhanced my learning.
Something tells me Zack is a very lucky slave.
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Sunday, 9 October 2011
Sarah's absence
I can't phone or email Sarah now and I'm missing her presence.
I hope she fucks me this week. I want to feel her demands.
I hope she fucks me this week. I want to feel her demands.
I've been hard for Sarah all weekend. Yesterday, we discussed more intimate issues, including the topic of her post below.
The better I get to know Sarah, the more it's dawning upon me that she has the capacity to be a very demanding Mistress. This would surprise people who know her, because she is also incredibly sweet and loving.
She worries that if she gives a voice to this demanding side of her that she will lose me. I don't believe that will happen. We are two sides of the same coin.
She let it slip that in her readings, she has learned of Mistresses who sometimes make their slaves remain naked in the home. The thought of being ordered to remain naked for Sarah in this way does turn me on.
For Sarah, control is an aphrodisiac. I like giving her more control because it heightens her pleasure. I'm hoping that one day, I will have the privilege of wearing her leash in public.
She has indicated that she will be giving me instructions. I look forward to this.
I also want her to urinate on me. It will show her in a very authentic way that she has control, more than she realized. When I'm Sarah's slut, I feel like I've come home. I am closer to my true self, the true self that I can't reveal in the workplace.
I'm also so happy that Sarah likes my big cock. I want her to consider this as her possession.
Zack
The better I get to know Sarah, the more it's dawning upon me that she has the capacity to be a very demanding Mistress. This would surprise people who know her, because she is also incredibly sweet and loving.
She worries that if she gives a voice to this demanding side of her that she will lose me. I don't believe that will happen. We are two sides of the same coin.
She let it slip that in her readings, she has learned of Mistresses who sometimes make their slaves remain naked in the home. The thought of being ordered to remain naked for Sarah in this way does turn me on.
For Sarah, control is an aphrodisiac. I like giving her more control because it heightens her pleasure. I'm hoping that one day, I will have the privilege of wearing her leash in public.
She has indicated that she will be giving me instructions. I look forward to this.
I also want her to urinate on me. It will show her in a very authentic way that she has control, more than she realized. When I'm Sarah's slut, I feel like I've come home. I am closer to my true self, the true self that I can't reveal in the workplace.
I'm also so happy that Sarah likes my big cock. I want her to consider this as her possession.
Zack
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Well, Here Goes Nothing...
First of all, if there is anyone out there reading our blog, would you mind posting a comment now and then? Especially if there are any Dominants reading this: This is an open invitation for You to come here and dominate Zack - tell him what You would do with him if he were Your slave. He would LOVE that.
And, if there are any of you wormish-like subs reading, well, I am sure he wouldn't mind hearing from you either. That is the one disappointment about this blog for him - I personally don't give a damn if you comment or not, but he is a very needy boy. he doesn't think he is an exhibitionist, but he is - he likes the thrill of fucking in the car and risking getting caught, he loved Me giving him orders in the coffee shot and he loved Me kissing him in public - just grabbing his hair, pulling him to Me and kissing him. Zack truly is a slut, that is for sure. This blog is in public domain, and it excites him to know others in this world are reading about him. So, again, I invite you to come here and let him know what you think, you can even share with him how you might serve me if you were My slave. Now, let's get to the issue at hand, shall we?
It hasn't been a very good week for Me. Being a person who needs control to survive, any loss is huge. These are the times I need Zack. These are the times I wish I had a 24/7 slave - because managing the other aspects of My life where I am not the one in control would be so much easier. Just as a professional Dom will tell you that their clients are usually high power men who need that opportunity to completely submit for a few hours, that is the way it is for Me. When I am not feeling as much control as I like to have in the rest of my life, I need My slave. Until recently, that was possible - I could call him, order him to get his ass into My car immediately and he would be there. But that isn't the case right now - his work has become very demanding and I am not going to compromise his work by ordering him away from it. I can assure you, and him, that if I had gotten him into a bed yesterday, he would have left with a very sore & red ass, rug burns on his knees, and much much hornier than when he arrived. he may have even lost some of his hair to My fist. That was the state I was in. Ironically, he would have loved it.
We e-mailed for a while this morning and he managed to take the edge off, but the need remains. We have chatted quite a bit today, and I asked him some pretty specific questions. It's was good, and as a result, I am feeling much better, more like I can handle whatever comes at me right now. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings, I guess.
So, this morning, Zack asked if I had ever thought of peeing on him. he;s asked that question before. I have to admit, the idea gives Me a rush, although I am not sure why. Then he asked me to describe how I thought it would feel urinating on him in the shower. I've had to think about that.
I've been considering this alot today. Obviously, it is something he has thought about, and as is My norm, I went to a sub site to see if I could get some insights. Zack can only guess how he will feel, so I wanted to see what the experience was like for other subs the first time. The sites have proven to be quite enlightening with many perspectives, but at the end of it all, this was something that both Mistress and slave get pleasure out of. There are many different reasons why, but they don't matter. The end result matters.
So, now I have considered how it might make Me feel. The idea is not completely strange to Me, but I do wonder if the intended impact is attainable. Regardless, I think this would be something, an act, that would truly make him MY slave. Regardless of anything else in his life, it would be my "mark" that he would carry with him. I can imagine him - laying in the tub. he would be cold, no doubt, and I expect a bit apprehensive. (I won't go into how I get him there, I will leave that to him, because after our next session he will be required to post here; and even though he knows its coming, he won't know when it's coming.) I would be standing over him, towering over him, actually. I would reach down, and grab him by the hair (have I mentioned how much I like dragging him around by the hair??) and make him look into My eyes. then I would ask him "WHO owns you??"
And we know what his answer better be, now don't we?
And, if there are any of you wormish-like subs reading, well, I am sure he wouldn't mind hearing from you either. That is the one disappointment about this blog for him - I personally don't give a damn if you comment or not, but he is a very needy boy. he doesn't think he is an exhibitionist, but he is - he likes the thrill of fucking in the car and risking getting caught, he loved Me giving him orders in the coffee shot and he loved Me kissing him in public - just grabbing his hair, pulling him to Me and kissing him. Zack truly is a slut, that is for sure. This blog is in public domain, and it excites him to know others in this world are reading about him. So, again, I invite you to come here and let him know what you think, you can even share with him how you might serve me if you were My slave. Now, let's get to the issue at hand, shall we?
It hasn't been a very good week for Me. Being a person who needs control to survive, any loss is huge. These are the times I need Zack. These are the times I wish I had a 24/7 slave - because managing the other aspects of My life where I am not the one in control would be so much easier. Just as a professional Dom will tell you that their clients are usually high power men who need that opportunity to completely submit for a few hours, that is the way it is for Me. When I am not feeling as much control as I like to have in the rest of my life, I need My slave. Until recently, that was possible - I could call him, order him to get his ass into My car immediately and he would be there. But that isn't the case right now - his work has become very demanding and I am not going to compromise his work by ordering him away from it. I can assure you, and him, that if I had gotten him into a bed yesterday, he would have left with a very sore & red ass, rug burns on his knees, and much much hornier than when he arrived. he may have even lost some of his hair to My fist. That was the state I was in. Ironically, he would have loved it.
We e-mailed for a while this morning and he managed to take the edge off, but the need remains. We have chatted quite a bit today, and I asked him some pretty specific questions. It's was good, and as a result, I am feeling much better, more like I can handle whatever comes at me right now. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings, I guess.
So, this morning, Zack asked if I had ever thought of peeing on him. he;s asked that question before. I have to admit, the idea gives Me a rush, although I am not sure why. Then he asked me to describe how I thought it would feel urinating on him in the shower. I've had to think about that.
I've been considering this alot today. Obviously, it is something he has thought about, and as is My norm, I went to a sub site to see if I could get some insights. Zack can only guess how he will feel, so I wanted to see what the experience was like for other subs the first time. The sites have proven to be quite enlightening with many perspectives, but at the end of it all, this was something that both Mistress and slave get pleasure out of. There are many different reasons why, but they don't matter. The end result matters.
So, now I have considered how it might make Me feel. The idea is not completely strange to Me, but I do wonder if the intended impact is attainable. Regardless, I think this would be something, an act, that would truly make him MY slave. Regardless of anything else in his life, it would be my "mark" that he would carry with him. I can imagine him - laying in the tub. he would be cold, no doubt, and I expect a bit apprehensive. (I won't go into how I get him there, I will leave that to him, because after our next session he will be required to post here; and even though he knows its coming, he won't know when it's coming.) I would be standing over him, towering over him, actually. I would reach down, and grab him by the hair (have I mentioned how much I like dragging him around by the hair??) and make him look into My eyes. then I would ask him "WHO owns you??"
And we know what his answer better be, now don't we?
I think the experience will be a powerful one. Zack likens it to a baptism; I suppose it is. He is being re-born, he is morphing into what he is supposed to be, what he has been all along and denied. he will be whole at last. And Me? I will have attained total control over him, I will truly own him, he will be all mine. After this, he will never be free of me. he will always be My slave. Glorious.
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