Zack Truly is a Slut...

Last weekend, Zack and I met for coffee. ok, ok, so the coffee was a ploy. I got him into the fuckmobile, drove to a deserted parking lot, ordered him into the back seat and and forced him to eat my pussy, to please me. It is amusing to say that I forced him to do this, because that slut dies for this, begs to do this, pretending he is being "forced". All I can say is that he is a very lucky slave that I love this as much as he does. The problem is, it's easy to be obedient when you are required to do something you love to do. That does not prove servitude, or demonstrate submission or obedience really. But I'll get back to this thought in a bit.

We had been making plans to spend the afternoon together yesterday. The apartment was a mess with dishes needing to be put away, sweeping and vacuuming to be done, bed to be changed, and laundry was piling up. I told Zack this and he immediately said he would do it, he WANTED to do it. I asked him if he was sure, and he was adamant that he would get it done before Friday. Ok, I trust him to follow through when he says he will do something.

Long story short:
 I got to the apartment on Friday morning and nothing had been done. I knew why then just as much as I had known on Sunday that it wouldn't be done. Zack had done what he often does - makes all kinds of promises (in order to please) that he may not be able to follow through on. I decided then and there that he was going to have to learn a lesson from this.

When he arrived at the apartment, I immediately ordered him to take off his coat and get on his knees and elbows. I wanted his face on the floor. He looked at me quizzically "don't take off my clothes?" (I had set up a protocol that when he came into the apt he was to strip naked and then get on his knees before me. I wanted him to understand that this was different, that "something" was about to happen.) I told him no, and he was not to speak until I said he could. When he was in position,  I began. Now, I COULD have punished him physically. I could have gotten him naked and used my crop on his ass all afternoon as punishment. But there were 2 things at play - Zack did not need punishment because he had not done this intentionally, and he would not learn anything from it if all of his focus was on the pain, not on the error or the intended correction. I needed him to be solely focused on my voice, my words. He needed to feel the discipline on an emotional and psychological level if he was going to learn anything.

I said " I have been wondering if you got to be sooo successful at your job by saying you would complete certain tasks and then not do them. Somehow I doubt it. So, then I wonder how you expect to be a successful slave if you tell Me you will complete certain tasks and then don't." He began trying to explain, giving me excuses of a stressful week, busy at work etc etc. I told him I was NOT interested in his excuses - I knew exactly why the chores had not been done. It took him sometime to actually grasp what I was trying to teach him. (Men just aren't very smart sometimes)  I made him stay in that position and listen to Me as *I* explained this to him. I think he got it, I know he cried. I made him stay there and listen to me as I finished the  cleaning. And I hadn't gotten the laundry done because I couldn't make the machines work. As a result, I was still feeling bitchy. I let him stand and he asked if he could do the laundry - when I said yes, his fucking face lit up like a Christmas tree! I rolled my eyes, he's such a boy; we have a long way to go...

The lesson he needed (and still needs to) learn is to realise his own limitations. He wants to please - me, his boss, his wife, the rest of the world - and in doing so he will promise everything. But he is only human, a mere mortal and as such, has limitations. He needs to understand that much of the stress he experiences in his life is SELF INFLICTED because he can not say "no" to any one. What happens is he sets people up to be disappointed in him, which of course feeds his own feelings of deprecation and therefore affirming for himself that he isn't worthy of anything. It's a vicious cycle and will ultimately destroy him. I will do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. I love him, I care deeply for his well being. I'm not convinced anyone else does, because Zack won't let them.

So, Zack, if you are reading this, we have a journey ahead of us. I am hoping that what you learn with me you will be able to apply to other aspects of your life as well. Because you ARE worthy, you ARE a valuable participant to your community, your family, your workplace -- and especially to me. The world, and my world, would be a much lesser place without you in it.

Zack got to do the laundry - which made him deliciously happy. Although, he did argue with me about how to fold sheets - another lesson for another day -you do NOT argue with your Mistress.

 Now, back to obedience.
Like I said - it is easy to say you are obedient, submisive and subservient when you are completing tasks you like to do. That is not to say that a sub shouldn't be assigned tasks they enjoy, but simply that these do not necessarily demonstrate submission. Now, when a slave submits to something they don't particularily want to do, wouldn't do on their own or seek that activity out, but does it solely because they wish to please their Mistress, well, that to me is a pretty accurate demonstration of subservience. Certainly, I could restrain Zack, cover his body with hot wax, use the crop on his ass till it shone bright red, but these aren't things that I choose to do, and when I do, it is rare and is usually when someone or something has displeased me, used to expend some pent up energy.

But something I have had in my mind for many years - even before coming to the discovery of finding myself to be Dominant - pops up once in a while. I told Zack about this fantasy when we began on this journey. In the past, there were many instances when I fantasized about making my husband suck some man's cock, I had even fantasized forcing another man to fuck his ass. I see now that these fantasies were about control and being in control (something I never had with my husband). In those days, I used those fantasies to bring on orgasms - I needed them, because he never could satisfy me sexually. But, I left those fantasies behind a long time ago - they only came up when Zack asked me about fantasies I had ever had. I'll let Zack explain his response to them. At the time, this was NEVER anything I entertaained for Zack. It was my belief that my fantasy of forcing my husband in this way was about "getting even", humiliating him the way he often humiliated me. Recently, this fantasy came up again in conversation between Zack and I. And I began to understand it. Zack is very good for me.

While I was fucking him yesterday, he kept saying that if I wanted him to, he would suck another man's cock for me. I can't describe the jolt that gave me. The orgasm that followed was explosive. Then I came up with an even more extreme form of control.. if I were fucking his ass, while he was sucking that cock - and we all came together - that would be the maximum in control for me. I said that to him and he said yes, he would do that for me, as long as I was controlling the session... God, I do love this man of mine!!!

Oh, we have a long ways to go before we get to that kind of a scenario.. but it may happen. We have a long road ahead of us, lots of trials, tribulations but tons of excitement as well. And we will be on that road together.

Sarah's control

This has been an incredible day with Mistress.

She has already fucked me three times, once on my face, twice by mounting me, all within about two hours.

Her control is such a turn-on. She looks incredible in her black leather and, earlier on, her fishnet stockings.

The day started with some necessary humiliation to remind me how I need to be corrected.

Mistress then forced me onto my knees,where she proceeded to grind her gorgeous, always tasty pussy in my face. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Later when she was fucking me, I told her that she can order me to suck cock and I will do it for her. I could tell that this was turning her on, which aroused me.

She seemed to have a monumental orgasm...later she played and fucked me again, mounting me like only she does. Again, I talked about her forcing me to suck cock. Again, she came hard and intensely.

I now realize that the photo below is her fantasy. Mistress wants this. Knowing that she wants this makes me eager to give it to her.

Anyone who is reading this blog can comment if they're interested in applying to Mistress Sarah. I love her and I trust her. I will do as she says.

Zack
xoxoxo

Could This Be in Zack's Future?

Zack's Fantasy..

Zack wants us to grow into a TPE relationship (if that opportunity ever, by the grace of God, comes our way to be together 24/7). I am so there with him, I can tell you. He fantasized about us having a TPE ceromony, and that he would actually get a tattoo to mark the occasion. That sounds soooo nice. He is so totally squeamish about anything even remotely like that, so for him to say he would get a tattoo is quite significant. I would love that totally.

So, i went looking for soemthing that i might like to get tattooed on him. Which one do you like, Zack?

       

    

The bottom 2 pics are stylized versions of the symbol for bondage. I can't decide which I like best. But if I have my way, Zack will have one of these decorating his body somewhere.

Zack's Reality...

Zack posted below that when I turn into a Bitch it turns him on. Hummmm, it didn't yesterday. We got together to spend a little time together and without going into detail, Zack managed to do something , unwittingly, that turned me into a BITCH.. THE BITCH I do not let people see. I guess he saw it on my face, because he asked what was wrong, was I upset about something?

Fuck..! Was I upset? I had to leave the room, saying "I can't talk to you right now" and compose myself. I went into the bathroom to get dressed and I was shaking. I realised that if I had just unleashed that BITCH inside me - as he so often says I could and he would love me anyway - I knew that he would have left and there would have been a good chance he would not have come back. We talked briefly before he left, but it's taking me a while to get past this. I'm not quite as Bitchy this evening, but I can't say how I will be tomorrow.. especially since Zack and I will be spending the afternoon together at the apt - me in my leather and him in.. ...well, who knows??

No, Zack has no idea what THAT Bitch version is like and if I can help it he will never see it.
Not now, not ever. She scares me very much.

Mistress Bitch

Every once in a while, Sarah adopts a Bitchy persona. I will confess that this really turns me on. It's the look she gives me. That don't fuck with me look. I feel some fear combined with intense attraction. She's really hitting a primal spot when she does that.

I don't think I could live with the intensity of the Bitch all the time, but I do need to see her every once in a while, just as a reminder of who is in charge of this relationship.

When she's dressed in her leather and holding the crop, it gives me such intense feelings. I can't even describe them in this post.

I'm so lucky to have such a kind, loving, and, yes, sometimes Bitchy Mistress. Sarah is perfect for me. I love her so much.

She can fuck my face anytime she likes.

Zack

Back On An Even Keel???

Zack is back. It happens. I'm also back. And everything has changed.

I did something. I went on a vacation. Not just any vacation, but one that has liberated me in more ways that one can imagine. Last year I got it into my mind that I wanted to go to New Orleans - specifically for Mardi Gras. For the first time in my life I went on a vacation without my husband, without any family obligations. A full week of no judgements, no restrictions, no stifling, no responsibility to anyone except myself. As amazing as it may seem to a lot of people, this was a first for me.

Before I left I decided I wanted another tattoo - the symbol for VooDoo Goddess Erzulie. I knew a little about her (she actually has 3 personas - I seem to resonate with qualities of them all) and I liked what I read. What the tattoo guy in the French Quarter told me is that "she is all about fucking" - that works for me. He also said that having her symbol tattooed on me would be like calling her to enter me. Enter away, Erzulie.. I welcome you!!

Last week was particularily bad for me. Sure, I called it a "post vacation slump" but it has been more than that. I felt completely and totally out of control of any part of my life. Where I was strong and independent while I was away, now I felt like I was of no value or had no purpose. It really wasn't Zack's doing, as he might think, but our interactions last week did play a role, I will admit that.

I seem to be gathering Erzulie's strength. Zack has been integral in that. He has been successful in bringing me back, in making me recognize who I really am and in doing so, who he really is. I NEED his submission. But I don't love him simply because he is my slave, simply because he is willing to submit to me. I love him because of the man he is - handsome, intelligent, kind, compassionate, loving and with a remarkable talent for turning me on sexually like no one ever has or ever could.

Yes, I am thinking about introduing other "toys" into our lives. I will actually only have 1 slave - Zack. Any others will merely be toys for me to use for my own amusement. I think Zack needs to be aware that he is not only my slave, my slutty slaveboy - he is also the love of my life. There is no way he could be replaced.

I am stronger. I am more confident in my role as Dominatrix. And most of all, I am more confident in my relationship with Zack. I may not have him 24/7, but I do have him in ways that no one else can touch. He IS mine and he will ALWAYS be mine.

In subsequent posts I add here, I'll share my plans for Zack. I'll share the development of our wonderful apartment, our sanctuary. Much of what I write here will be news to Zack - I can't wait for his reaction. I love keeping that slut guessing...

Mistress Sarah's new focus

Mistress Sarah is now being quite open about taking a second or third slave. She calls them "toys" and leaves me with the impression that I would still be her primary slave.

For some reason, this escalation is turning me on, though I do worry that I may be jealous when her attention turns elsewhere. I've had this issue in the past.

I must serve Mistress Sarah. I must quash my own desires and remember my place.

I love Mistress Sarah.

Zack

Today

Today, Sarah showed a more assertive side when we were in the fuckmobile. She ordered me to put my face between her legs. I don't think she's ever tasted better than today. I tried my best, and sure enough, she had a great orgasm.

Then she straddled me like only she can do. She let me know she is my Boss. She even slapped me hard across my face. I felt it in my jaw.

I needed that. Sarah is becoming more Dominant—and I'm feeling ready for this.

Zack

Obsession

I'm obsessing about Sarah now. I know I should be working, but she really embedded herself deeply in my whole being yesterday.

Her inner Bitch came out. It's a little scary for me at those times, but it's also tremendously erotic.

I don't fully understand why I respond this way. She sent a short email with a simple message, saying: "I feel like slapping you around today."

It was like a massive electrical jolt shot through my whole body. It was a sign that this is also what I wanted: Sarah as the aggressive Dominatrix.

She's not always like this. I'm not even sure I would always want her like this because I adore her sweet, loving side.

But yesterday, this was exactly what I needed to hear.

Zack
xoxoxox

Sarah's mood

I'm very worried about Sarah right now. She is very lovely and very giving, but she is sliding into a bit of a funk because of a bunch of things going on her life right now.

I haven't been as good a slave as I should be—and this makes me feel somewhat responsible. She will tell me that it's other things, family life and work, but I know the truth.

If I am sufficiently attentive, it helps Sarah deal with all the other bullshit in her life.

I want to be a better slave for Sarah. She deserves better. She's a beautiful woman whose face lights up any room she enters. I love watching her walk across a room. She has no idea how sexy her walk is. The first time I saw her standing, from behind, I was attracted to her, even before I saw her face.

Sarah is stunningly gorgeous. She walks with such confidence and such purpose that this just makes me want to serve her even more.

I love Sarah far more than she realizes.

Zack the slave

Sarah's latest

I do not want Sarah to shut down the blog. I haven't been very good at posting in part because I've had a rough couple of months.

But I love the blog, just as I love Sarah.

Today, she mentioned that she has a desire to order me, as her slave, to suck cock or please another woman orally.

She asked me what I thought. At first, I was a bit confused, but the more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. Part of the appeal is that it's what Sarah wants. It would give me a chance to prove my devotion to her and my willingness to follow her orders.

She knows I'm a slut. Only she knows what a slut I am. In my heart, I know if she ordered me to suck cock, I would do it. Especially if she was dressed as my Mistress.

Sarah has been feeling a bit disoriented recently. When she gets like that, she needs to be even more Dominant to regain her bearings and to feel centred. I want to give her this.

I've been hard all day for Sarah. I can't stop thinking about her. I love Sarah more than she realizes.

Zack
xoxoxox

All Good Things Must Come To An End...

As of today, I'm going to put this blog on hold.  I'm not getting from it what I thought I would, and it would seem neither is Zack. I honestly don't know if we will be back....

So, it's time to say goodbye.. at least for now.

Sarah

A Pause That Refreshes..

Its been awhile since I've been here; even longer for Zack. In all honesty, even though this is my blog, I find that it lacks interest to me when  Zack doesn't visit. I can't even guess if he has read any of my posts since the last time he posted - I doubt it.

I'm going to New Orleans next week with friends for Mardi Gras, so I won't be here until after I get back. I hope things will have settled for us both by then, but I am not sure when I will get back here to talk to myself.

Check back in a couple of weeks and I'll update our readers.
Love you all..
Sarah

An Interesting Turn of Events...

I got home from work Thursday to find Zack - naked and cleaning the apartment- doing the dishes, vacuuming. I really do need to get that boy a nice frilly apron.

I've mentioned the book I've been reading "Female Domination" (Elise Sutton) and I've been learning a lot about the submissive male psyche. I am beginning to understand Zack even better, and after this morning I am not so sure he is ready yet to give himself over to me. I don't mean that I think he is being deceitful- I believe, I KNOW he wants this - I am just not all that confident that he is yet ready for what this kind of relationship could entail; a part of me wonders if he ever will be.

Zack needs this, he needs me to take control. But I am learning that there are things *I* might want that he has very significant, psychological barriers about. I thought I might be able to break some of those walls down this week, but I also learned that he can't completely trust me- there are walls inside his head that he may never be able to let me bring down. In these things, he can't trust me enough to let me in. I think he doesn't trust himself either- as if he is afraid of some horrendous outcome if he let's me in, if he surrenders his psyche and his body fully to me in the ways I desire.

What I want, to him, is not "normal", not "natural" and he just might believe he will lose my love, respect and affection for him if he allows me to use him in this way. He has a fear of being abandoned. He has been abandoned in so many ways his entire life. I completely understand what is going on for him.

So I am using his blog to tell him, and the rest of the world, that there is NOTHING that would cause me to turn away from him. I love him unconditionally and I will always be here for him - for as long as he wants me there.

Its ok if I don't get what I want - this is why our M/s relationship is so unique: as Mistress, as his owner, I have the right to take what I want. But that isn't what our relationship is about: it's about giving as well as taking, trust, respect and most of all it's about a commitment to the well being of each other.

I love you, Zack. I need your submission, your adoration to be whole. It is only with you that I feel this way, and I will NEVER abandon you. You may not be able to be optimistic or sure of the future, but I have been around long enough to know that what I say here today will never change - unless you want it to. I hope you never do.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Who Knew I Would Have This Response?

I am at the apartment again this week. My response to being here has surprised me. The only image I have in my head is Zack - naked, restrained and face down on my bed.

The image is turning me on, big time. I lay in that bed reading my book on feminine domination. This book is certainly teaching me about not only what makes Zack tick but what he needs- as my submissive- from me. I am reading about forced male feminization - while I read this I became very aroused. Poor Zack!! Lol I need to go out and find him some sexy lingerie.

All I need is opportunity. His day will come.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And the Beat Goes On...

A new day.

In one way, its pathetic how much I miss Zack. It makes me feel weak. When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable is not a state I am comfortable with. But I can't describe the way I feel other than lost, like part of me, my "other half" is missing. Zack is missing - not "missing" but not here with me right now.

I know- selfish. He has work to do, his own life to tend to. But I'm a Dominate and we know that it really is all about what I need.

Last evening my mind wandered back to playing in our new bed for the first time.
WOW! Just thinking about it gives me multiple jolts. He is such a slut, and I got to use him in many ways. Being the greedy girl that I am, I want more. I want more opportunity to dominate my boy toy, more opportunity to fuck my whore.

He has new rules. I want him naked whenever he is in the apartment. I dare him to try to exert any kind of control over any situation again, dare him to try to back off of my advances ever.

Naked. On his knees. That's where he belongs. It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Another Day...

I am still feeling out of sorts. Let's face it, I need my slave. Life events right now are taking on their own persona - I am simply not in control. In addition to everything else, I also have a diagnosed case of SAD = Seasonal Affective Disorder. February has always been a bad month for me, and this year, I think, is going to be even worse. Worse, because I will be out of town for 2 of the 4 weeks. Out of town and away from Zack.

Zack helps me gain perspective. He allows me to re-gain that sense of control. He evens me out. He simply makes me feel good. I need to dominate - and he is the one I want for that. It is tough to concentrate. Let's face it, I'm a mess. Unless something changes soon, I am going to lose it on someone. If it can't be Zack, then I pity the sucker that steps in the way next week.

As Zack puts it sometimes, I am off kilter. I don't like the feeling one damned bit. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams.

And It Goes From Bad to Worse...

Today we had a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but a major disagreement. And it is tearing me up inside.
I got home last night from my business trip. I was staying at the apartment. When I got there, and as I suspected, nothing had changed since I left there the week previous - the carpets weren't shampooed, the table wasn't assembled etc etc. I wasn't upset about it because, as I posted, I didn't expect it to be. I knew Zack was busy, even if he didn't. But neither had the landlord come and fix the things needed repair - broken light over the sink, shower on the fritz, the sink still leaking. After the week I had, THAT really pissed me off - I pay rent for a functioning apartment. I had sent Zack an email, so he knew I was home. He responded asking if he could stop by; of course!! I needed to see him. I needed to get grounded and that is what he does for me. I am not often "needy" but I was last night.

I knew things weren't going to go well the instant he came through the door. The energy in the apartment was suddenly very dark - even though Zack seemed glad to see me. He actually said he had been depressed the entire time I was away. But his words just didn't match his actions - something was off.

I needed his arms around me, all I needed was to be held. I went to him and he backed off. He said he was afraid of getting any hint of fragrance on his clothes because he was afraid his wife would pick it up. Ok, valid, even though I never wear any fragrance when there is a possibility of seeing him. I asked him to take his coat off - he stripped down to his T shirt. I went into his arms - but I didn't feel "welcome" there. I went back to putting the table together. I could feel my agitation building - I credited it to the tough week I had. We talked for a bit - both venting our frustrations - but it was like casual acquaintances venting about work.

He had to go. I walked him to the door, we kissed good bye - a brief glancing kiss that barely made contact. and he was gone. And I stood there, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn't know why, and I didn't understand what had just happened. And I had a very sleepless night as a result.

And so did Zack. He sent me a very long email at 4 am. He is having problems with adjusting to this whole idea of the apartment. He has been distressed about the cost of the furniture - he is not ok with such extravagance - like a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a TV. He also felt he needed to pay for some of it.

As I said in an early blog post, I have a huge problem with taking money, or gifts, from anyone. I have big hang ups about it. I was taught not to take things from people that I hadn't earned. In my marriage I have always been responsible for anything I decided I was going to do/purchase. I always knew my husband was not going to ever be supportive or of assistance - even when WE decided to buy a home. it was something I wanted, so I would be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, upkeep. That is how my life has been.

I decided to get this apartment, I decided on the furniture. I did not expect anyone to assume any kind of responsibility for any part of it. I am prepared to take care of it. It's my decision and therefore my responsibility. And it upsets me knowing that now, as a result of MY decisions, Zack is feeling financially responsible for something he didn't want. I don't want him feeling that. He is stressed enough by other demands he doesn't want being heaped on him. and this is what was on his mind when he stopped by last night. He may not have even been aware of it, I certainly didn't know it, but it was there, nonetheless.

I won't go into all the details, but the day was very unpleasant. Zack now wants time to re-group his thoughts and work through this - himself. He doesn't want me involved. At the end of it all, I understood that he wanted to help with the apartment. Yes, he was surprised at the costs, but wanted to help me regardless. That is a new experience for me. Trust me, when I say we are both a little fucked up, I mean it. I apologised for my responses to his helping and I thanked him. But I never got to see him today. I still need his arms around me, I still need his comforting, his grounding. And I have no idea when I am going to experience that. I am going into a couple of very stressful weeks, and I simply need him. But he needs space. I get that. I respect his need. Whatever he wants, he will get.

But I am not very happy right now...

Lonely...

Zack and I are in a part time relationship. It works for us, it has to, as there are no other options. I love the apartment, because even if I can't be with Zack, or see him, I am close to him when I am there. It's comforting. I can't be there all the time, but when I am, it's awesome.
But this week I am out of town. I gave Zack orders to make sure he gets his work done, because I want to play when I get back. I am pretty sure he is doing what I said, because i haven't heard from him today :-(. It's bedtime, I have a full day tomorrow and thursday, and I miss him. I miss him terribly.

It's lonely here in this hotel room alone - without my slave, my boy toy, my obedient slut. I can't wait to get back Thursday evening - I am heading straight to the apartment. I wonder if he has been able to get any of the chores I gave him to do there done. He assured me he would, but I have my doubts. If he doesn't get it done, I am going to be really pissed - but not for the reasons Zack would think. I would be pissed because that is what Zack does - if an effort to please, he will commit to things that may not be possible for him to accomplish. and if he doesn't get them done, after making the commitment that he will, he feels incredible guilt. He is so lost in pleasing everyone, that he doesn't know how to recognize his own limitations. I asked him several times if he would have time to get the apartment stuff done (finish building the furniture, clean it, shampoo carpets) because I really don't think he will have time - and that's fine. what I want more than him being compliant is for him to be realistic. I guess we will see.

I love him, so very very much. He is my life.