Last weekend, Zack and I met for coffee. ok, ok, so the coffee was a ploy. I got him into the fuckmobile, drove to a deserted parking lot, ordered him into the back seat and and forced him to eat my pussy, to please me. It is amusing to say that I forced him to do this, because that slut dies for this, begs to do this, pretending he is being "forced". All I can say is that he is a very lucky slave that I love this as much as he does. The problem is, it's easy to be obedient when you are required to do something you love to do. That does not prove servitude, or demonstrate submission or obedience really. But I'll get back to this thought in a bit.
We had been making plans to spend the afternoon together yesterday. The apartment was a mess with dishes needing to be put away, sweeping and vacuuming to be done, bed to be changed, and laundry was piling up. I told Zack this and he immediately said he would do it, he WANTED to do it. I asked him if he was sure, and he was adamant that he would get it done before Friday. Ok, I trust him to follow through when he says he will do something.
Long story short:
I got to the apartment on Friday morning and nothing had been done. I knew why then just as much as I had known on Sunday that it wouldn't be done. Zack had done what he often does - makes all kinds of promises (in order to please) that he may not be able to follow through on. I decided then and there that he was going to have to learn a lesson from this.
When he arrived at the apartment, I immediately ordered him to take off his coat and get on his knees and elbows. I wanted his face on the floor. He looked at me quizzically "don't take off my clothes?" (I had set up a protocol that when he came into the apt he was to strip naked and then get on his knees before me. I wanted him to understand that this was different, that "something" was about to happen.) I told him no, and he was not to speak until I said he could. When he was in position, I began. Now, I COULD have punished him physically. I could have gotten him naked and used my crop on his ass all afternoon as punishment. But there were 2 things at play - Zack did not need punishment because he had not done this intentionally, and he would not learn anything from it if all of his focus was on the pain, not on the error or the intended correction. I needed him to be solely focused on my voice, my words. He needed to feel the discipline on an emotional and psychological level if he was going to learn anything.
I said " I have been wondering if you got to be sooo successful at your job by saying you would complete certain tasks and then not do them. Somehow I doubt it. So, then I wonder how you expect to be a successful slave if you tell Me you will complete certain tasks and then don't." He began trying to explain, giving me excuses of a stressful week, busy at work etc etc. I told him I was NOT interested in his excuses - I knew exactly why the chores had not been done. It took him sometime to actually grasp what I was trying to teach him. (Men just aren't very smart sometimes) I made him stay in that position and listen to Me as *I* explained this to him. I think he got it, I know he cried. I made him stay there and listen to me as I finished the cleaning. And I hadn't gotten the laundry done because I couldn't make the machines work. As a result, I was still feeling bitchy. I let him stand and he asked if he could do the laundry - when I said yes, his fucking face lit up like a Christmas tree! I rolled my eyes, he's such a boy; we have a long way to go...
The lesson he needed (and still needs to) learn is to realise his own limitations. He wants to please - me, his boss, his wife, the rest of the world - and in doing so he will promise everything. But he is only human, a mere mortal and as such, has limitations. He needs to understand that much of the stress he experiences in his life is
SELF INFLICTED because he can not say "no" to any one. What happens is
he sets people up to be disappointed in him, which of course feeds his own feelings of deprecation and therefore affirming for himself that he isn't worthy of anything. It's a vicious cycle and will ultimately destroy him. I will do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. I love him, I care deeply for his well being. I'm not convinced anyone else does, because Zack won't let them.
So, Zack, if you are reading this, we have a journey ahead of us. I am hoping that what you learn with me you will be able to apply to other aspects of your life as well. Because you ARE worthy, you ARE a valuable participant to your community, your family, your workplace -- and especially to me. The world, and my world, would be a much lesser place without you in it.
Zack got to do the laundry - which made him deliciously happy. Although, he did argue with me about how to fold sheets - another lesson for another day -you do NOT argue with your Mistress.
Now, back to obedience.
Like I said - it is easy to say you are obedient, submisive and subservient when you are completing tasks you like to do. That is not to say that a sub shouldn't be assigned tasks they enjoy, but simply that these do not necessarily demonstrate submission. Now, when a slave submits to something they don't particularily want to do, wouldn't do on their own or seek that activity out, but does it solely because they wish to please their Mistress, well, that to me is a pretty accurate demonstration of subservience. Certainly, I could restrain Zack, cover his body with hot wax, use the crop on his ass till it shone bright red, but these aren't things that I choose to do, and when I do, it is rare and is usually when someone or something has displeased me, used to expend some pent up energy.
But something I have had in my mind for many years - even before coming to the discovery of finding myself to be Dominant - pops up once in a while. I told Zack about this fantasy when we began on this journey. In the past, there were many instances when I fantasized about making my husband suck some man's cock, I had even fantasized forcing another man to fuck his ass. I see now that these fantasies were about control and being in control (something I never had with my husband). In those days, I used those fantasies to bring on orgasms - I needed them, because he never could satisfy me sexually. But, I left those fantasies behind a long time ago - they only came up when Zack asked me about fantasies I had ever had. I'll let Zack explain his response to them. At the time, this was NEVER anything I entertaained for Zack. It was my belief that my fantasy of forcing my husband in this way was about "getting even", humiliating him the way he often humiliated me. Recently, this fantasy came up again in conversation between Zack and I. And I began to understand it. Zack is very good for me.
While I was fucking him yesterday, he kept saying that if I wanted him to, he would suck another man's cock for me. I can't describe the jolt that gave me. The orgasm that followed was explosive. Then I came up with an even more extreme form of control.. if I were fucking his ass, while he was sucking that cock - and we all came together - that would be the maximum in control for me. I said that to him and he said yes, he would do that for me, as long as I was controlling the session... God, I do love this man of mine!!!
Oh, we have a long ways to go before we get to that kind of a scenario.. but it may happen. We have a long road ahead of us, lots of trials, tribulations but tons of excitement as well. And we will be on that road together.
