And Here It Is..

There is no doubt zack will be angry I posted this here, but I need to if for no other reason than it allows me to sort things out in my mind - the mind that has been reeling since Tuesday morning.

I'll go back to last weekend and if you have been reading our blog for a while, you will know that we are both married, just not to each other. If you want details, please do back to the beginning. There are many reasons why neither of us can change our situations.

Last weekend, my husband was a total jerk. So much so that I am seriously contemplating moving out. When he gets like this, I become very stressed out, very agitated and in a great deal of need to vent. On Sat evening, I called zack's office - not with the intent of speaking with him, but to just blast off on his voice mail. I have done this before and it does help hearing his voice and being able to let all of my frustrations out all at once. It is a good compromise to having him directly under my control and venting physically on him.

But I called his voice mail and he answered. Now, THAT pissed me off and I told him so. It was just another straw in the camel's back. Anyway, I vented to him about what had gone on at home - his response?? he laughed. HE LAUGHED. How fucking stupid (and insensitive to his Mistress's needs) can one person be?? THEN, he blew me off and hung up. THAT did not do anything towards making me feel better.

The weekend got even worse at home and by Sunday evening, I had pretty much had it with all men in general. If anyone stopped by here, they would have read a pretty hostile post I wrote (which I have since removed). I also wrote a scathing email to zack on the same subject. Venting. It's what I do when under stress. he knows that.

Anyway, on Monday evening, zack and I were emailing back and forth - he was at work - and he was, in hindsight  in as stressful a place as I was.The situation was prime for a disaster and it came. We were both kind of settling down when he sent me a message:

My wife just called from the hospital.
She said she broke her leg.
It was a hit and run accident.
She's a very careless pedestrian...
I have to go.
I love you

And then he was gone. My next message said I hoped she was ok. But my head was in turmoil. I am a healthcare person. I instantly know how these things can go. I also know that his wife is all about the drama. I played over scenario after scenario in my mind. She may have been exaggerating. It wasn't the police that called, it wasn't the hospital after all. It was her. I didn't get a sense from zack's email that the call was very critical. But I knew enough that if she indeed had suffered even a simple fracture, she would require all kinds of continuous care and it would be zack whom she would demand it from. She would never allow him to hire a home support worker to help her. My mind kept on as it always does - and in every direction. What I also know is that zack does not handle these kinds of situations well. he does not handle illness, and definitely does not do hospitals. he is very squeamish..

I sent a couple of emails  to zack expressing my random thoughts. he has always encouraged me to be open with him, I never have to fear and hold things back. In hindsight, I was coming across as pretty self centered. I was concerned very much about his well-being for sure, and I expressed concern about our relationship and the impact his having to deliver so much more support to his wife, if her leg really was broken, on our relationship. I slept very poorly that night. I was very worried about zack's mental well being through all this.

While I was driving to work early in Tuesday morning, I got a couple of one line emails from zack. I knew then he was in his office and the emails gave no indication of crisis. I was still worried about him and so I called.

When he answered I asked him how he was doing. he said how he was doing didn't matter. I told him that yes, he did matter. That was when "IT" happened. He simply snapped. Suddenly, he was yelling at me. He was very very angry. In essence, he said he was very disappointed in my previous emails and that I was a selfish BITCH, that I showed no compassion or even caring about a woman in severe agony with a seriously broken leg and knee. (Don't forget i had no knowledge of this) I hung up on him, I couldn't take that from him and especially after the past weekend with my husband.

Her leg is badly broken. She has had surgery. zack has been where he ought to be - with her. I don't have a problem with that. I wouldn't expect anything less of him. But I think he will end up ending our relationship. he was very very angry with me.

HOW????

How can a relationship that was so very good go so very bad so quickly? My mind is reeling.

Reader Question...

In reference to zack's latest confession, I am wondering if our readers think his fears are justified.. If you have been reading this blog for sometime, you will have a sense of who I am and what I am like and I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.. maybe you can give zack some advise. I don't mind that he is apprehensive, it is the not knowing that sends him deep into subspace - and I like him there.

We spent the evening together last night. I also have a confession - there is nothing I take greater delight in that fucking this slut - body and mind (and I am VERY good at fucking his mind!) all the while demanding that he not cum - I know the exact moment that I need to back off, but he knows how pissed I would be if he disobeyed me on this.. he is NOT TO CUM. Period. I may never let him cum again. I delighted in his responses last night as he was almost in tears and he chanted "i don't want to be in trouble, i don't want to be in trouble" then "oh my GOD, do you know what you are doing to me???" LOL. I knew exactly what I was doing to him.

So, zack needs to understand that I know exactly what I am doing, and I know exactly what he can handle and what he can't. He also needs to trust that i have no intentions of raping him. When I fuck his ass (and trust me I will) it will be him begging me to do it..

Confession

I'm scared of Mistress fucking my ass. I know this is a deep desire of hers and has been for a very long time. As her loving submissive, I must give her my ass and I'm determined to do so this year.

But late at night, I want to make this confession. I'm scared.

Zack

Mistress Sarah's escalation

Things seem to be escalating in our M/s relationship. Mistress Sarah went looking for a big black cock to fuck tonight. She found an excellent candidate and had me write a message of introduction on her behalf.

I must admit that I gasped when Mistress sent me a photograph of the man's torso. He was lean with a cock that stretched forever.

Mistress calls it a BBC...a beautiful black cock. I must admit that it was attractive. Mistress would look so good with this man. Just writing this makes my cock so hard.

I'm such a slut.

I liked how Mistress wrote to me later telling me that I was lucky I didn't fuck up. I need Mistress's stern side. She's so loving, but I want her to know how well I respond to her when she gets Bitchy.

As a submissive, I need this.

I know Mistress worries about me and how I will feel when she plays with another toy. I'm declaring here that I love Mistress. It gives me pleasure to know Mistress can take pleasure and be loved by me.

She's my Sovereign.

Just So We Are Clear...

zack has indicated that he thinks I have "grown" more into my role/persona as a Mistress.
That is true. I am here to ensure that he understands that I own him, he is MY slave, MY whore, MY slut and I don't give a damn if he approves of me fucking anyone else, let alone the elusive black man.

I think I might delight in binding him to a chair and forcing him to watch as I satisfy myself. Surely I can find a cock that is bigger than his to use, one that may satisfy me to an even greater degree than his does.

I might enjoy watching him squirm with uncertainty of his position at the same time as he squirms because he is so damned horny watching us - black and white melding together. Horny because he is a slut and probably craving the experience of sucking that cock when I am done with it, praying I will "force" him to, begging me to permit him that.

I would also delight in having him bathe me and dress me to go out on a date with this man while he sat in the apartment wondering what will happen to him when I get home.

I have such a whore on my hands.

Desires of a Mistress

I can tell from what Mistress desires from her last post.

She wants a big black cock. Probably for fucking. I've known this for a while. Sometimes, Mistress can be very transparent, even though it may take a little while for her to articulate it in such a blunt way.

She's very considerate.

I like the way Mistress wrote about it in the post below. She mentioned this as an act of consideration to her slave. Which it is.

But I also think Mistress wants this for herself. I'm here to tell her, as her slave, that she can take whatever she wants and I will love her and serve her. This is how I can be her best slave.

Even if Mistress wanted to be fucked by a large black cock belonging to a man who was not submissive, I would still serve Mistress.

I want Mistress to realize that she is free to do whatever she wants with me, her humble slave.

I love Mistress.

Pleasure and Opportunity...

An M/s relationship is very interesting and after re-reading my last blog post I can see how someone might wonder "If Mistress Sarah is so devoted to her slave, how can she consider taking on another?"
This is a good question and one I have put to myself. My response to it is I can't - I can't consider taking on another slave, at least not at this point (I always say "never say never"). And yet, here I am exploring opportunities to acquire another 'toy" - preferably a very large black one. (just typing that sends a jolt of passion through my body). And not only acquiring one, but requiring zack to watch and listen while I play - knowing full well that it will turn him on, but will also cause him feelings of sadness, jealousy, helplessness.

But here is my rationale - by taking advantage of a 2nd toy (human, of course), I accomplish 2 things: I allow zack opportunities to prove his own devotion and commitment to me by sitting quietly as I fuck another (man or woman) and I get to demonstrate to him that I can do this and still remain his Mistress, that this act will not cause me to re-consider his position. (of course, I would have to re-consider his position if he were to make any kind of fuss about it). Allowing him to suck the cock of my toy provides him with another opportunity to demonstrate his devotion. There are so many ways I can think of that offer zack such wonderful opportunities to be exactly what his is and demonstrate his great appreciation of me for allowing him to be all that he can be: a total, subservient whore, a slut who will do anything in his power to give pleasure to his Mistress, in turn giving himself great pleasure as well. See what a wonderful Mistress I am??  Of course, introducing various fucking toys into our repertoire (men or women) will offer the variety we all crave in our relationships. The toys will be used to our own purposes.

I proposed this scenario to zack and I do admit, I find it immensely erotic:
zack is bound and hooded spread eagle across the bed. With another woman, we begin to use his body for our pleasure - alternating bringing him to the very edge of orgasm over and over as we suck his cock, ride his face, fuck his ass - and finishing him off as we do all 3 at the same time - me fucking his face and devouring his cock at the same time as she is fucking his ass - I know I will cum when he does and I will order the other to cum as well. Just thinking about it has me so wet i am almost having a spontaneous orgams right here.

Oh, zack... I can not begin to describe the ecstasy we are each going to experience.

Stay tuned for more ideas from my very vivid imagination..

Lessons..

I will admit, I have not been a "hard" Mistress for zack. It has taken him some time to come to the full understanding of who he truly is; I see that, although he said the words and went through the motions,  he has been in a level of denial about that and I believe that his "non-acceptance": was really the very basis of our difficult year. I also know that if he truly looks inside himself he will see that I am right.

The lessons have been hard - it is not easy for anyone to completely remove the veil of their life and expose who they are inside. Without even realizing it himself zack has spent a lifetime looking for acceptance of employers, family, many women to whom he could  trust to accept him if he exposed and displayed his true self, his subservient self.He has always been subservient - even as a young boy - sensitive and willing to sacrifice everything to please others, to forsake his own needs to give others theirs. But in his world men are expected to be powerful, in control, domineering - characteristics zack simply does not possess. He has denied himself everything in his efforts to be whom he truly is - and no one saw, no one knew, know one understood. And because no one in his life accepted him as he was, he denied it himself and pretended to be what he wasn't.

How do I know this? Because I have come to the same realizations about myself. I have always been Dominant, I have always needed control over any situation. And in my life being a Dominant woman has not been an accepted norm. Like children, woman are to be seen and not heard. If I review my own life, I realize that the only times I have been truly happy have been those times when I was able to be in control, but because being a Dominant woman is typically not acceptable, I pushed that "inner Bitch" down to where no one would find her.She is simply not desirable.

Fate brought Zack and I together. It has not been an instant recognition of each other as we are supposed to be, however. We have been together for almost 4 years - the first 2 spent very much in turmoil as we struggled to maintain our facades - not understanding ourselves and trying desperately to be what we each thought the other wanted. What is so funny to me now is that our difficulties occurred whenever zack tried to exert control over me (his public image as a man of power) and when I tried to be the "helpless woman" (my public image - and just typing that now makes me want to puke). both attempts disappointing the other.

After 2 years a single event occurred that triggered a realization in both of us - we were opposite sides of the same coin, but also opposing sides to what society expected of us. I came to the acceptance of who I am much more easily than zack has - I suspect that is the same for many men when they finally begin to see what they have known their whole lives. Our first year in this M/s relationship was one of discovery and freedom - we were like 2 kids in a candy store or a couple on a honeymoon. It was the 2nd year (last year) that the reality and the magnitude of the situation became apparent. I accepted it, zack began to push back. And in the words of Forrest Gump "that's all I'm going to say about that".

Zack has come home to himself, to me. It has taken him a long time to learn to trust me in this, to trust that I know who he is, that I love him regardless, love him unconditionally, that I accepted him totally. And I do. Zack is my life. I will never abandon him, and I will NEVER let him go. he is my slave now and forever.

Mistress's latest revelation

Mistress told me she's looking for another toy.
I'm ready.

Zack

Zack, Zack, Zack...

It is so good to see zack back here. he is evolving, but his naivete' still shows. He seriously thinks that when he bends over, I will just whack his ass...  Well, whore-boy, your ass will be getting much more than whacked. I am going to own that ass of yours - and with my skill you will be begging me to do this over and over and over...
I can not wait until the day comes when I own that body so completely that I can do what I want, whenever I want and you will derive so much pleasure from it as well.

As for sucking cock for me?? I am sure it will happen one day.... and to experience that kind of control over zack will be the ultimate for me.

Mistress surprise

Here's what turned me on tonight...seeing Mistress posting my intimate emails on this blog for people to see.

I got a jolt because it reminded me that Mistress can do whatever she likes. My job is to trust and love Mistress Sarah.

I know she has my best interest at heart.

I want to be leashed by Mistress and for someone to see her power and control over me.

I'm eager to please Mistress Sarah

I'm thinking a lot about Mistress. I've discovered it turns me on when Mistress talks about flirting with other men. I guess that brings out the true submissive in me.  I like Mistress to feel free to express her sexuality however she likes--and know I remain her devoted slave.

A while ago, I was in a men's room in a restaurant and she just barged in. She started speaking to me in her way in the washroom. It was such a turn-on. I thought she might fuck me then and there, but she didn't.

I like it when Mistress dresses like a Leather Bitch. Even in public, just wearing her leather jacket, she looks so hot.

I need to be Mistress's whore boy so badly. I want to prove that I'm a better submissive by bending over and letting her whack my ass. I want her to feel that she can safely take out her aggression on me.

A good slave shuts the fuck up and takes whatever Mistress decides SHE wants.

I want to become this slave because I love Mistress.

Zack

Mistress Sarah understands me.
I feel like she is becoming more Dominant and more willing to act in a truly Dominant way, even ramping up humiliation.

I need Mistress Sarah's control. She has been talking recently about her attraction for black males. She has talked about finding a submissive black male and forcing me to watch her with him. She even mentioned finding a big black cock to fuck in front of me. That gave me a huge jolt.

I think Mistress Sarah would look incredible with a black man -- the contrast between skin tones and forcing me, as her willing slave, to obey and listen and watch or even leave...whatever Mistress wants, I want Mistress to have.

I want Mistress to go further. I want to hear her sneer at me and order me to do things. I like feeling a bit of fear when I'm with my Mistress.

She's incredibly loving. But love can take many forms. Allowing me to grow into the slave that I can become, living  up to my potential as a slave, is one way for Mistress to show her love.

One day I would like Mistress to take me to subspace and force me to give oral sex to a man, maybe one of her lovers, with her pulling my hair, forcing me to do this, talking to me, ordering me, calling me a slut and a whore, HER slut, HER whore.

After she has pimped me out in this way, the man could throw a $20 bill at me and walk out, because that would reinforce the fantasy of being Mistress's whore. Then she could fuck my face, order me not to come, then have me do chores for her.

I am Mistress's slut.

Zack

How Time Flies...

Zack and I have been busy. We have spent a lot of time lately getting ourselves back on track.  I am happy to report, that we are still together, and now, I think stronger than ever. Last year was a rough one, and not anything I ever want to repeat. If we learned anything, however, it is that we are so much better together than apart.

I believe zack when he tells me that he is hoping we go deeper into this M/s relationship. I'm ready. I believe he is as well.

11 Elements of an M/s Relationship...

I posted this at the beginning of our relationship, and i wanted to repost it again...
Enjoy!

First element is honesty

Complete and total honesty between the slave and Mistress. Without such honesty, the relationship can not exist in it's fullness; from honesty all things grow.

Second element is trust

Trust grows from honesty. Only through the knowledge that the Mistress is, and always will be, completely honest can the slave also give complete trust, and only through the knowledge that the slave is completely honest with Her, can the Mistress trust the slave.

Third Element is respect

Respect for each other grows from the knowledge of complete honesty and the giving of complete trust.

Fourth Element is submission

The slave must willfully and completely submit to the Mistress. This he can do because of the trust he has in Her.

Fifth element is possession
The Mistress fully possesses the slave - his thoughts, mind, body and soul. The slave gives himself completely to the Mistress and the Mistress assumes ownership of the slave. Everything that was his is now Hers to do with as She sees fit.

Sixth element is obedience

The slave must always obey the Mistress's every comand. He obeys not only because he is owned and possessed but because he desires to please his Mistress in every way he can.

Seventh element is caring and devotion

The Mistress cares for the slave and will always be devoted to his welfare. The slave must care for the Mistress and be devoted to Her well-being as well. The slave serves, not only out of duty, but also out of his devotion to his Mistress. He must learn Her every desire; Her every whim is to be his life. His destiny is to serve with all of his soul because of this devotion.

Eighth element is protection

The Mistress assumes the responsibility of complete and utter protection of the slave. He is Her property and as such is to be protected at all times from all harmful influences, be it from another person or society at large.

Ninth element is honor

To be a true Mistress, She must have honor in every action She takes, in every thought She thinks. The slave must honor his Mistress and do everything in his power to protect that honor through his own actions, words and thoughts.

Tenth element is friendship

The most lasting relationships are based on friendship while the Mistress Dominates and the slave serves. They must become friends or the relationship is doomed.

Eleventh element is love

If,and only if, all the previous elements have been met can love bloom between the Mistress and the slave. This is the greastest of the elements, the most difficult to attain but at the same time the most fragile and strongest. It binds the Mistress to the slave and the slave to the Mistress with an unbreakable bond - the bond of love. http://blackoasisskjern.tripod.com/blackoasisofskjerntruegor/index.html

More Inner Workings of Zack...

"When I was much younger, I was living in another city for about nine months. I couldn't understand why I had submissive fantasies. I went to a porn store and bought a magazine with women in leather, holding whips, and basically looking like Dominant Bitches. I was 23. It was my first exposure to this type of sexuality. I was very naive. But I knew that I liked it.

I lived in a house with five other guys. I would sit in my room and stare at the photos in this magazine and masturbate. It was like going into subspace. This was my first exposure to this form of sexuality."

"Here's a fantasy I've had that I've never told anyone...and I've never acted on it.

I've wondered what it would be like to have a pretty Asian cross dresser, very feminine, made up as a full woman and looking like a woman, sucking my cock.

If you, as my Mistress, were to force a man to suck my cock, I might prefer if this man is Chinese or Japanese because those guys are always more feminine"

Oh, Zack - you have no idea what pleasures lie in store for you..

Mistress Sarah

Zack and his Fantasies...

"I' want to be your whore badly.
I think you really understand me and understand what I need.
I'm going to share something with you....I know I'm mostly hetero, but I also believe that sexual orientation is a continuum.
Since we've become more open to the M/s lifestyle, I have wondered, at times, what it might be like if you forced me to watch you with another guy and you told the guy that I was your slut. I got a jolt when you mentioned forcing me to take a thick black cock in my mouth. I don't want to be manipulative; I just want to be honest.
If you want a guy to suck my cock, I find it more appealing if he would be Asian. But if you want to force me to be your cocksucking slut, I think I would go deeper into subspace if it was with a black guy that you found attractive. Or a white guy you found attractive.
These are just fantasies. But I have a feeling that if you guided and Dominated me through this process, I would enjoy it very much"

Checking In...

Zack has been slow with the fantasies. He has sent me a few, but they aren't exactly what I am looking for, not yet anyway. I think it is difficult for him to reveal himself like this, even to Me. But he'll get there, every day he is getting there.
He had a difficult weekend, and although he didn't share every disaster with me, it was enough to upset me, to make my heart ache for him - nothing too serious - the usual kind of stuff that makes us all crazy - tons of laundry, a funeral of a very dear friend, backed up plumbing etc etc. You know how it is. What makes me so crazy is that I know there is a far better life, a far happier life, out there.. just waiting for us. I want so much to pick him up one day and say "let's just go, let's just put the car in drive and go" Fuck the obligations. Fuck all the complications that are sucking us both dry.
Here is my fantasy - nothing you can get off on, but my fantasy all the same. In my fantasy, it is just zack and |I, living in San Diego. We have a great apartment overlooking the ocean. I will work and he will be my houseboy - kept naked a good part of the time. He would do nothing without my approval, without my instruction. He would learn to do things (housework, laundry, cooking) the way I want it done or simply suffer the consequences. He could work if he could find work he can do from home. I would expect him to keep his mind current and informed - there is no room for dimwits in my life. We would do grocery shopping together - him being led on collar and leash. He would become well known in the neighborhood as my slave, my pet, my houseboy.
Her would be expected to be waiting at the door when I got home.. on his knees, naked and absolutely ready for whatever I decided to dish out at the time - I might bring a colleague home from work for him to serve, I may decide to let all of the frustrations of the day out on him via my crop or my flogger. Whatever it was, he would take it willingly, and I know, very very happily. Our lives would be simple, uncomplicated and wholly satisfying to us both.
Maybe I should just go ahead and get a job in San Diego, start the process of work visas, apartment etc and when it was all in place - kidnap him.
Yes, I should do just that.

WOW!

I can not believe how much time has passed since I last wrote. We have both been extremely busy, but I am here now to let our readers know that we are still together, and that our relationship continues to move along. Of course, we still struggle with the challenges of the "outside world", but we are determined to not let it get in between us any longer.

And, I will soon have a treat for you. I have given Zack a task of writing down every fantasy, every dirty thought he has ever had, even as a young boy, and send it to me. A diary of sorts, where he is to tell me the most intimate thoughts he has ever had. We all have fantasies, daydreams and the like that would embarrass us to no end if we dared to reveal them to someone. Yes, he is required to provide me with even those. He is actually very excited to do this for me. I bet he won't be when he finds out what I intend to do with them.

First of all, I intend to use them to mind-fuck him. He is very susceptible to mind fucking and I absolutely delight in doing that to him. Then, I am going to post them here for you all to read. I invite you to comment on them in any way you choose.

He has also been ordered to purchase a hood. He wanted me to go with him, but that isn't the instruction. He has not been in a sex shop for a long time and is a bit nervous to do this, but knows that there won't be anything going on between us until he gets that hood. I am so excited to really get the chance to objectify him. He is just a little nervous, because I let him know that when we have the hood, that is when he will truly become my submissive, when I will truly have control over his entire body. Because that is when we do the good old "BOB" - Bend Over Boyfriend because you are going to get your ass fucked by your mistress. Just writing this here has gotten my pussy quite wet and throbbing. I sure wish he were here with me right now.

We met earlier today for a late lunch. We spent some time afterward sitting in the car. I fucked his mind a little, and in doing so, fucked my own as well. After he left, there was no way I could finish the trip home without taking care of that ache. Have you ever masturbated while driving in rush hour traffic?? I can tell you, it is quite the rush!