And So it Goes...

Zack and I have brought you along this journey for almost a year - from the beginning of the discovery of our true selves, through our history - how we met, through our ups and downs, our delicious, wonderful romance. It has been wonderful - not only discovering ourselves but sharing that discovery with our readers.

But, although we would love to believe in "forever" - I'm afraid that  "forever" does not exist, no matter how much we may want it. And that is particularly true of a couple in the situation Zack and I are in.

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write now of watching the beginning of the end for us.  Zack says I am over reacting - but I truly do not believe that is the case. The distance between us continues to widen. Zack refuses to discuss this with me, he does not have the courage to say the words I know hang in the air. It really isn't anyone's fault, there is no blame to be laid. It simply is what it is. He is like the little boy that believes if we don't see it, it isn't real, if we don't talk about it, it won't happen. He does not want to hurt people, he does not want to hurt me and he understands how much ending our relationship will hurt us both. So, I have made the decision to pull away.  Kind of like Rose and Jack in Titanic - except it will be Zack on the raft and I will simply sink out of sight. Neither of us will have to break us up - we will just be gone in a puff of smoke.
Zack and Mistress Sarah will cease to be.

I will give up the apartment within the next couple of months as we go through this process. My heart is breaking right now, but I will make sure that Zack knows I will ALWAYS be here for him, I will AL:WAYS love him, and if he ever needs me I will ALWAYS come. In this, I must remain the strong one, the one who makes the decisions. It is my desire and my responsibility to make this as painless as I possibly can for Zack. I love that man so very much.

So, thank you, for your support, for your devotion to this blog. I am not going to take it down - I will keep you updated on our situation. I just truly hope that someday you will read that Zack and Mistress Sarah have found their way back to each other.

Looking Up??

Zack told me today he will be back on the blog...
I told him he paid too much for those boots for me to just wear them once

keep your fingers crossed for us..

Not Much...

... to report these days. It's been a long time since I've posted, that's for sure. Nothing much has changed in the situation, and I am still feeling lost. Zack came over the other evening for dinner, we had the opportunity to talk, but it didn't really make me feel any better about everything.

I've packed all my M/s stuff away into my big leather bag and stowed it in the closet.. I can see it from where I am sitting, and I wonder if I will ever use the toys, outfits and implements again. I miss it. I miss Zack.
I am very very sad.

Evaluating The Situation...

I wonder if others ever go through what Zack and I are going through right now? I wonder if it makes a difference that we were "together" for 2 years before we discovered our inner desires for an M/s relationship? I wonder how different other relationships are to ours?

Right now, Mistress-sub do not exist. Right now, we are just Sarah and Zack - 2 people struggling in a complicated relationship within very complicated lives. There seems to be only 1 certainty, 1 thing we can each count on. That certainty is the love we have for each other. Regardless of the struggles, neither of us can see a future without the other. We are meant to be "together" - regardless of what "together" looks like. I need Zack like I need the air I breath. He feels the same way. I need his submission, he needs my dominance. "Play time" allows us to be free of it all for a while. Unlike other M/s relationships (I think), our "scenes" are not just role play, not just about the whole BDSM thing. Our play time is a time spent in re-connection, in bonding, of wiping away the rest of the world. It is our time for fusion - that moment when 2 people become one. I've been missing that fusion terribly. I love him so much.

 I can handle the current situation, as long as it is temporary and as long as it doesn't go on too long. I can say that, but I am not sure what I would do if nothing changed back, if nothing DID get better. I don't want to have to find out. But Zack is struggling trying to find the time for us. As much as I would like it to be different, "us" simply can't be a top priority in his life. It worries him when I talk about my dreams - of kidnapping him, running away together to start new lives - ideally in a 24/7 TPE relationship. Zack wants that. I want that. But he is a realist and says it depresses him, simply because he can't see how it can ever come about. He sometimes thinks that I may want this so much, that I will find someone else to engage in a TPE relationship with. He can't seem to comprehend that I do really want it, but I  really want it with HIM. ONLY him.

When we first met, when we first began this affair, he was terrified of getting caught by his wife. (Not to say, I wasn't but he was almost paranoid with the idea) He truly does not want anyone hurt because of him. When I would ask him what he would do if he did get caught, his answer was simple - he would kill himself. I did not doubt that for a second. But recently, we were in bed and I asked him again - and his response has changed. He no longer says he would kill himself. he doesn't know what he would do, but he readily admits now that he would NOT do that. Now that's progress, don't you think??

So, for the time being, we are in limbo - still snatching time together when we can, still in our marriages. I am sure that the first one to make a move will be me - I am coming closer to ending this farce of a marriage I am in. Time will tell.

Good night, folks.. thanks for stopping by!
Sarah.

The End of The Week...

Yesterday was pretty much a disaster. Have you ever had one of those days when everything goes wrong? That was how it was for me. I had invited Zack for dinner - by 8 pm I had not heard a word and that pissed me off big time.The day had been full of it's own trials and tribulations and this was the last straw. I got an email form Zack at 8 pm - He had just got to my email and was now going to pick up his wife. I was so pissed!!! I think it was the day, because I really shouldn't have been so angry or upset, but I was.. I was even throwing things! I left him a voice message at his office. I don't remember what I said, but I know it wasn't very nice.

This morning, when he got to the office, he got my voice message, and although it was only a few words, he certainly got the point. He called me immediately and I could tell he was pissed as well. He asked if he could come over - immediately. Of course I said yes.

To say he was upset would be an understatement. There was no Mistress and slave. We had our first fight - we have been together for 3 years and have never fought before. He yelled, I yelled. The whole thing was a total misunderstanding - he thought the dinner invitation was for Friday when it was for Thursday. But the stress we both have been under caused us both to hit the wall. Suddenly, he started to laugh. I saw the tension in his face completely melt away. Fifteen minutes later we were in each others arms, and he was begging me to fuck him. He was feeling so much better - less stressed, happier - but I was still pissed  He wanted to please me, he wanted me to use him for my pleasure. Well,, still being a little pissed, I was not going to give him what he wanted - he needed to suffer a little first. I tried so hard to be hard, to be tough with him. But when I gave him a very stern NO, the look on his pathetic face (that face I truly do love to fuck), the tears welling up in his eyes melted this Mistress's heart. Suddenly fucking him was what I wanted, what I needed more than anything.

I grabbed him by the hair and wrenched his head back, glaring into his eyes. I growled "you pathetic spineless slut, get your fucking clothes off NOW!" He damn near came right there.

He got his clothes off and got on his knees. He asked for a cock ring so he wouldn't cum. It has been a long time for him - months, even. He does not have sex with his wife. He would prefer he not be allowed to cum because he wants to focus solely on  my pleasure. He feels like he has been a good boy if he doesn't cum and I get my pleasure. I denied him the cock ring. I had plans.

I ordered him onto the bed, I straddled him. His cock was HUGE. I was so wet in anticipation of  how that gorgeous piece of meat was going to feel . Grabbing him by the hair, biting his ear, I guided his cock inside me. As I took it all, he gasped, his eyes glazed over - he was suddenly in subspace. And the feeling was amazing. As I began to move I knew this was not going to take very long - I was going to cum, and cum hard, and I wanted him to cum with me. As I felt myself climbing to the summit, I whispered in his ear "you fucker, you better cum, and cum RIGHT NOW!" He groaned; "no, just take your pleasure, just use me".  I told him again to cum NOW. He didn't need to be told again - he exploded inside me. I felt the heat of his juices and the heat ejected me over the top and his mind was blown at the same time. I collapsed on top of him. Fucking him this morning was totally delicious. But I knew what this would do to Zack. I knew that this was going to exhaust him - he has not been sleeping and this kind of fucking wipes him out completely - and he had to get back to work. Very soon. There was no time for a nap for him. I was exhausted.

I sent him on his way. He was happy, I was happy. Life is good. Very good. I am hoping we can plan some quality time - a few hours _ next week to really get down and dirty. I have a deep need to dominate; Zack is feeling the same need for submission. Time will tell.

I may see him tomorrow afternoon - I am keeping my fingers crossed, but I am not applying any pressure. It will happen if it is supposed to.
In hindsight - the fight this morning WAS kind of hot.
I truly do love this man.

Sarah

Another Day...

I am at the apartment - I really must post some pictures here - it is nothing "special", not really, but I feel so at peace when I arrive. I now spend 2 nights a week here. It's closer to my work, although my husband isn't happy when I don't come home every night. Oh, he doesn't talk to me and we don't do anything - I get home and spend the evening in my room - he just likes me to be there. I do believe he is trying too CONTROL me!!! Oh, how little he knows.

I spoke with Zack last night. He sounds better. He was laughing at me because next week I have to use public transit to get back and forth from the apartment to the hotel. I can not tell you how long it has been since I have been on a bus. He is going to take me on a few trips so i will know what to do. This should be fun!

I am so hoping I get to see him later.. I NEED to see him later, but I do not want to push. Right now I can't be his Mistress, right now he needs my support. He does not need to worry about pleasing me. Mistress or not, I want to protect him, take care of him, keep him safe and happy. I think that is what frustrates me the most right now - I can't get the chance to be there for him.

I'm getting some ink done this afternoon. I want some color on my voodoo tattoo. Zack loves the tattoos - he says they actually hypnotize him.. especially when I am on top of him, have his arms firmly secured to the headboard, with his cock (that big gorgeous cock that I love sooooo much) buried deep inside me. He says the entire scene captivates him so much he never wants it to end. I like that..

If I get him over here tonight, I am going to have him post here. He knows about our readers and how supportive you have been. I want him to let you know how much he appreciates it.
Stay tuned...

Sarah

For Our Amazing Friends...

You know what? you guys are amazing!!!

Our difficult times continue, and Ket, we definitely need a vacation - we both need to get some alone time and away time > alone together and away from all the crap. I'm actually doing a little better than Zack, though. He agrees he needs to take a vacation from work, but then he says if he isn't at work he has to be home with his crazy wife - she now has pictures of Jesus all around their apartment and makes him kiss the pictures!! She is delusional and mentally ill, but he doesn't know what to do with her, so he just keeps taking care of her. He is the most gentle, giving soul.

We connected last week. It was actually pretty funny.
We both needed to get our needs fulfilled... mine to Dominate, and his to submit, so we arranged to meet at the apartment at 5:30. At quarter to 6, there was Zack at the window.. he forgot his keys!! There I was, all decked out in my leather corset, fishnet stockings, gorgeous gorgeous thigh high leather boots (see the picture below) and he needs me to come out and open the door to the building! Oh, for fuck's sake!! LOL. I threw on a robe (it did not cover everything) and streaked out to let him in, praying to God none of the neighbors spotted me.
 He looked terrible - thin in the face, pale and so very very tired. I knew he actually had not had a real meal in a long while - stopping to only grab snacks - so I had cooked for him (this was the first time, besides breakfast) - grilled chicken, roasted baby potatoes, steamed brocollini and salad. It was wonderful to watch him eat, and he ate everything. he was starting to feel pretty good.

I then told him to assume his position - naked and on his knees which he did immediately and obediently. I had recently purchased some door restraints that I wanted to try out by issuing a flogging. Silly me, I didn't take into account that the guy is 6'2". Stringing him up there was a dismal failure.

But, I went easy on him - he was just too tired to be expected to be subjected to my play. I care about him and his welbeing, I love him too much to push him that hard when he is so fragile. Instead, I just got him on the floor and fuck the daylights out of him - and no he wasn't allowed to come. Do you know how amazing he is? His cock was so huge, so rock hard because he was so aroused, but he still held back - He gets great pleasure out of doing that because he knows it makes me happy. I was happy.

We were supposed to have a few of hours - but his stupid wife called right then and he had to go pick her up from wherever the hell she was. So, we fucked, he ate, we professed our undying love and he left - only for us both to come crashing down again the next day.

He says the workload at the office is diminishing again, so he is feeling a bit better - getting the things done that he needed to. I'm trying to get him to convince his wife he has to go to a conference for a couple of days - then I would scoop him up and sweep him away to some remote place for 2 days of fucking, eating and sleeping. He has a sister who lives in Tennesee, I even suggested we could go there since his wife wants nothing to do with his family. Anyway, come hell or highwater, I have got to make things better for him somehow. I wish I could win the lottery - I would buy him away from his wife and employer. I told him that and he was instantly hard. He loves the idea of me owning him lock stock and barrel.
someday, baby, someday..

Sarah

Who Ever Said...

Whomever said "love conquers all" was the biggest bloody fool this world has ever spawned.
It doesn't. Neither does fucking.
Sarah

Here I Am Again....

We are having a really tough time right now. Oh, not with each other so much, but life is fucking with us both big time. We are both going through a depression; I truly think that we are so cosmically in sync that when one of us is doing poorly, the other one is as well. I think it actually began with Zack, and I unwittingly made it worse. It began with me one day when I was suddenly struck with a huge sense of foreboding- that there was something terribly wrong with Zack. Of course, me being me, I kept at him about "what was going on" which stressed him even more.
I can go into great detail but I won't. Its enough to say we are both experiencing a significant depression right now. Neither of our lives are going as we would like and it's bringing us down. We saw each other briefly last evening, and it surprised me to find that I had no emotional reserve, to learn that I didnt have the emotional strength to be there for him, to even spend time with him.
What I did discover is that I desperately need to fuck him. I don't need a bunch of time, I don't need talk, I just need unadulterated fucking. Just like people do after a death, I need this now - need the physicality of the act to confirm that I, and Zack, are indeed still alive. I think Zack would benefit as well, although he feels he doesn't have the time or energy of it. I think 15 min in the backseat of the fuckmobile would work wonders.

To My Readers..

I gave it one more valiant effort. I have been unsuccessful. This blog no longer holds any of the fun or interest that it has in the past.

I'll leave it up, but I won't be writing for you any longer.

You don't contribute.. you don't feed my need.  I hate to think I am soooo shallow, but I guess I am. Zack doesn't come here unless he is ordered to.
I have a saying..
"If it is important to you, you will find a way. If it isn't important to you, you'll find an excuse"

There really isn't any more to say so, I'm leaving.. I am pretty sure I won't be back.

I hope you have enjoyed what we've written for you over the past 10 months. It's been fun.

Ciao..

Sarah

Should I Feel Bad?

Poor Zack, he has a sore tongue. He's lucky he doesn't have a sore ass; Oh, right. One day he will.
I have to admit.. I truly love fucking that boy's face. I guess it's a bonus for Zack as he says he loves it too.. but poor boy if the day ever comes, when he doesn't enjoy it.. because it will happen regardless and as often as I like, whenever I like.

Just so you know, Zack. The red underwear is a beginning. I know it isn't your "style" (exactly what is your style?  Inquiring minds want to know..), but you better get used to new things coming your way - whenever and whatever I chose. This time, there wasn't lace panties, a hood and another boy toy waiting for you to arrive. That doesn't mean there never will be...

Mistress Sarah and my face

Mistress Sarah did something yesterday morning that she has never done before.

She fucked my face three times during one visit. Each of her orgasms was more powerful than the previous one.

That's not all. She also instructed me how I must dress in her company. This, too, was new. When I entered the apartment, I was thinking about her earlier instructions: I must strip naked and wear whatever is on the stool by the door.

I did not know what to expect. I wondered if she might even have a hood there, and force me into a situation where there could be a third person in the bedroom.

This wasn't the case. Instead, she had me wear red underwear and a smooth, tight tank top.

She was mostly asleep when I entered, but she quickly woke up and was very affectionate. This time, she wasn't the Dominant Bitch. It's probably for the best. I was exhausted and stressed, and Sarah always seems to know how to calibrate things just right.

Today, I have a sore tongue. I think I know why. I have no regrets. It was an incredible morning—a spectacular escape for me.

I want more. I love Mistress Sarah. I can't wait until her new boots arrive.

Zack
xoxox

Another Fabulous Friday...

What a great day....
I was out of town on business all week, arriving back at tbe apartment last evening. Zack arranged to get the morning off of work to come and play.. and play we did.  The morning wasn't an intense Domination session - oh, Zack definitely knew who was in charge, that's for sure. He was perfectly behaved - followed every order I gave, met all my needs. I can't think of a single thing he could have done differently or better. He even wore the new Calvin Kline underwear I bought him. oh, he felt very very good in it. There is more Calvin in his future - even if the only place he wears it is with me. Well, he did grumble a little, but I told him to suck it up - I could have bought him lace ladies panties to wear.. lol.
It's late afternoon, and I am deliciously tired. I feel all wrapped up in the love and devoton of my whore-boy. I'm going to have Zack write his perceptions of the morning here. I will give him a timeframe to get it done.
Let's see if he can uphold his current record of obedience.

Fusion...

This week was full of Zack. It was great. Although we didn't have huge amounts of time together we did take advantage of what we had. Wednesday was a particularly bad day for me - for any number of reasons. Soon after I got to the apartment, Zack arrived soon after. My bad mood couldn't possibly last very long when that puppy dog face was drooling all over me - if he had a tail he would have been wagging it furiously. And he had the same effect as my own puppies do. We lay on the bed, (much like I do with my puppies at home)  and as I stroked his head, I calmed. He listened to my venting and had his usual effect on me.

He came over this morning before work. Again, he lay in the bed with me - I had only woken up a short time before. It wasn't very long before I had that gorgeous cock in my mouth, taking him to the very edge, backing off and then bringing him to the edge again. I love teasing him like that and I have a strong suspicion he loves it as well. But I wanted more.
I got on top of him, held him down and took that cock deep inside me. He moaned - he loves it there. And I love it there as well. And I fucked him. Fucked him like he hasn't been fucked in quite sometime. I actually planned to leave his cock and fuck his face - when I do that I am in total control of him. But damn, it felt so good where I was, it felt so good having that big cock deep in side me as I rode it up and down. And suddenly, I didn't want to fuck him. he was actually doing a very good job holding off his orgasm, but suddenly what I wanted, what I NEEDED, was fusion - that infinitesimal moment when we join as one, when we fuse in that explosive moment together.

As I was peaking, I told him to cum - his immediate response was surprise - Really?" I said yes - and he came. Instantly. I felt his juices flood my insides, and the heat made my head explode. The feeling is quite indescribable.

Now I am out of town for a week. I wonder how Zack is feeling, and I wonder what kind of welcome home I will receive. By the time I get home, my new leather boots should have arrived, as well as the new leather accessories I have ordered. I think I will have to put a picture of those boots on here - just looking at them on line gives me a jolt.  Do they ever turn me on. When Zack can spare me a few hours, we are going to have a domination session like nothing else we have experienced - ever. Stay tuned.

Where's My Slutty Slave When I Need Him?

It's been a fucking shitty day. No details here, it will only piss me off more. If there were ever a time I needed to take full control over the situation, it's now. I could sure use a session with Zack. He's been asking for me to get rough with him and I could most definitely honor his wish tonight. Stringing him up and wailing on his ass for a while, then cutting him loose and fucking him senseless would do wonders for me.
Alas, I am at home and he is hard at work.
Fuck.

Mistress Sarah

The Best World..

...is the one I share with Zack. Although the rest of my family was well aware of the death of my brother, no one has been as insightful, or as caring as Zack. He knew what I needed, even when I didn't. I do not like to demonstrate any signs of "weakness" regardless of the situation. I did not want Zack to see my tears. I do not cry in front of anyone. But all he had to do was lay down on the bed and hold me, and I knew I was "safe" there in his arms. I knew I would not be judged.

We talked, and somehow I told him things I had never intended to tell him. You see, my parenting skills were never stellar and as one topic lead to another, he learned what I had been like as a mother. That troubles me. Those are weaknesses I do not want him to know about. If my kids have turned out to be great young adults it is most definitely in spite of me, not because of me.

I am not the same person now as I was then.  Regardless, I can't help but believe he must think less of me now.

Mistress spoiled her slut

Yesterday was incredible for me. Before work, I dropped by the apartment to visit Mistress. I was prepared to obediently remove all my clothes by the front door and leave them properly folded, and then kneel at the foot of the bed. But I heard her sneezing and, I suspected, crying. This is so unlike Mistress. She's so strong.

It turns out that she had just been informed of a death in the family, someone who was very troubled and whom she hadn't seen in a very long time. She was crying and I knew, as her devoted slave, job one was to comfort her and improve her mood.

I wanted Mistress to share her feelings and some memories, which she did. After a while, that beautiful smile emerged. And as I lay on the bed with her, I felt my arousal grow. I guess it was obvious when my head was nestled between her legs, kissing all around her pussy. She must have sensed my desire because she suddenly declared that she "wanted that cock".

And she unzipped my pants and started taking it in her mouth. Mistress likes teasing me in this way because she has forbidden me to come at these times. She was driving my wild. Eventually, she came to that place where she wanted to fuck my face, which she did so perfectly.

When I'm underneath her in this way, I'm powerless to do anything. Her pussy smothers my face and my tongue, and she grinds over me until she has her orgasm. These orgasms seem to be getting more intense for her as she becomes more and more accustomed to fucking slave's face.

I think it's because in that moment, she feels a strong sense of ownership and control—and that turns her on. There's nothing I can do when she's fucking me this way. I couldn't escape even if I wanted to, and I DON'T WANT TO ESCAPE AT THOSE TIMES.

I feel like I'm serving her like a slave in the court of Cleopatra. It's my destiny.

That wasn't all. I was so aroused by her that I snuck away from work later in the day for a short while. I was on my knees. She didn't seem like she wanted to fuck me at that time. But I asked if I could lie on the bed.

She eventually made the decision to remove all of her clothes except a very sexy bra and she mounted me. I was on the bottom, of course. Sarah fucked me with her wet pussy for a long, long time. For some reason, she thought my cock was bigger in the afternoon. I was just as aroused later in the day as I was in the morning for her.

She teased me, but she was also more Dominant, giving me strict instructions not to come. I could tell that she was serious. When she gets like this, she has a steely look of determination in her eye and her jaw juts forward ever so slightly in a look of aggression.

Her aggression is primal. I know what she is capable of at those times. I like experiencing this from time to time, even though it elicits fear with in me. I like it because it sets firm boundaries for me, as her slave, and centres me. The fear comes from knowing she's serious.

She said she likes it slow, and slow it was, as she fucked me and fucked me and fucked me. I wanted to make Mistress have an orgasm, but this was her show and she was in charge.

Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, she mounted my face. After grinding over my face and my tongue, she had what appeared to me like an explosive orgasm.

Slave had done his job. I felt worthy of her love. I then returned to work.

Zack

A Good Slave Always Comes in Handy...

I got some bad news this week - a death in my family. The most support I have gotten so far has been from Zack - he wants to do whatever I need to feel better. I've been through this many times before at various times of my life, everyone has. But the first experience or the 10th, you don't get used to it.

I heard often from Zack yesterday - despite the situation, a slut is a slut is a slut. And there is no doubt Zack is a slut of incredible magnitude. A slut who knows how to use his wiles to quickly put me into my Mistress position with him. He reminds me of my dogs at home. They know exactly how to get the Alpha Bitch's, their Mistress's attention regardless of her mood or distractions. They always know how to make me feel better, how to ease any pain I might be experiencing. My dogs are very obedient, attentive and well behaved. And when they are well behaved they always get a treat. Zack is exactly like one of my dogs - he will do whatever he can to get my attention, to bring my mood to a better place, to make me forget whatever it is that is affecting me. And being the cheap whore boy he is, his "treat" goes so much further than a cookie.

I told him I was going to be at the apartment all day today and tomorrow. He asked me if it would be ok if he came for a visit. He just wanted to do anything to make me feel better - hold me, talk, whatever. I told him that I knew that a good deal of fucking is the best therapy for grief. I'm pretty sure that if it was a stern beating that would make me feel better, he would have withstood that for me. He would do anything or nothing. Whatever I want. 

I told him he could visit. I had laid down on the bed when I got here (it was very early); I was exhausted. I always totally relax when I am here. I quickly fell asleep. I woke up when he laid down beside me. It felt so great to lay there just snuggling. He had taken his clothes off except for his shorts and T shirt. We snuggled, we talked. Before long I had that cock in my mouth, taking him just to the edge- over and over. I got off the bed and stripped down to pink bra and panties (which I had worn specifically for Zack, btw.) What came next is best described by Zack himself. He just sent me this email about this morning:

He was very effective in getting my attention, he was successful in improving my mood. I do believe he even made the sun shine today for me. My whoring pet got his treat.

You gradually took control of the situation. It unfolded slowly.
I knew when you took my cock in your mouth that I was under your spell.
When you stripped down, stared at me, and left me wondering what was next, I really began moving into an alternate form of consciousness.
You started playing with me....
This intensified when you climbed on top of me. That bra makes your breasts look really, really sexy.
Then you were on top of me. My favourite position. I thought you were going to fuck my face, but you didn't.
You took my cock inside you. You had already told me that I was not allowed to come. But you made me feel so good. It feels so right being inside of you and you know how to move. you really know how to move...
then, you looked at me with more of a look of control. I like how you tell me that you don't care what I want.
I felt you're more Dominant nature surfacing.Then you straddled my chest. I knew what was coming.
I was your slave boy.
You moved on top of my face. I had come home to Mistress. As your arousal increased, I felt like I was a worthy slut for you.Your orgasm as explosive. So intense. I loved how you told me that you owned me as you groaned with pleasure.
I loved how you came all over my tongue.At that moment, I always feel so filled with love for you.
I love you very intensely at those times.
I was in subspace. I had forgotten about everything. 

You truly did own me. You'll always own me

Sarah's intuition

Mistress Sarah is really beginning to understand me. I feel our relationship is deepening, our trust is increasing, and we're realizing how truly nonjudgmental each of us is.

I'm very, very lucky to have her in my life.

Zack

Feeding the Whore's Hunger...

I have often said Zack is like a kid in a candy store. I truly don't know if there is anything like his thirst, his hunger, his greed. I believe him when he says he will do anything I ask - as long as I am the one in control of the situation and of him. That demonstrates a trust he has been slow to come to. I suspect we will be able to move along into a deeper M/s relationship more quickly as a result.. I know I want that - more than anything. Zack makes me feel almost invincible. He meets all my needs - my innate need to nurture and my thirst and passion to exercise my nature - Domination. He accepts me for all I am, and all I will become. It is so surreal, and yet, here we are. He repeatedly says he needs my control, my Domination but I do  need his submission easily as much - if not more.

Zack has asked me if I think his obsession with this M/s relationship is becoming pathological. Remember the little boy in the candy store? That little boy has always been there, deep inside of Zack, aching for an opportunity to explore that "store", to taste everything, to enjoy being allowed to explore, taste and experience everything without recrimination, without judgement and with only love and support. That is not pathology - that is freedom. For the first time in his life, he is free to explore his inner core, his true self and know that no matter what, he will not be abandoned, he will always be loved. He has that with me.
He is becoming more and more of a slut everyday. I am pretty sure Zack doesn't watch porn, but I do - all kinds. And as a result, I have all kinds of images going on in my mind, all kinds of games to possibly play. Zack seems eager to get that cock into his mouth (and vice versa) for me. This will very likely become another one of those activities he will say he is "forced" to do, but ends up actually begging for it in his head - just so I will be pleased and fuck him every which way but loose afterwards. My whore boy will always get what he wants, when he does what his Mistress wants and pleases her. Always.

But first things first. Before anything else happens, we have to move along to me gaining that level of control over him where I can fuck his ass the way I want so badly. This has to happen because I realise that what I want to eventually happen is me fucking his ass while he sucks another slave's cock. (I say slave because in my ideal scenario, the "toy" will also be forced to submit to this - will be bound and blindfolded during the scene. Once he comes, he will be ordered out so I can finish up with Zack) Just writing that now is mind boggling. 10 months ago, when we discovered this drive within ourselves and for each other, Zack asked me if one day I wanted to put on a strap-on and fuck his ass. Nothing was further from my mind. As a matter of fact, I was positive that this was something I would never want to do. Like they say - never say never. As our relationship evolves, as we learn more and understand each other better, as we learn to trust more fully we both seem to have the capacity to go deeper into the kink.

Our "kink" may never be what is depicted in the XXX rated sites, in the books, in the movies, in the clubs, but it will be ours. It will work for us. It will work for us because we will always be open and honest with each other, we will always discuss each step as it comes up. Whatever we do, we both will understand that we each have agreed on the role of the other. Just like in vanilla relationships, different things work for different people. We will simply be Sarah and Zack - deeply in love and totally committed to each other as Mistress and slave.

Mistress's power

I just stopped emailing Mistress because I have an important job to do...but I'm becoming so addicted and enthralled with her that I just can't pull myself away.

I'm doing this final blog post of the night because I am completely enraptured. She loves control. She's really gotten to me now in ways that she doesn't probably recognize.

I'm smitten. I'm in love. I'm in awe. I'm utterly devoted to Mistress Sarah.

Zack
xoxox

Missing Mistress

I've been thinking a lot about Sarah today.

As she becomes more Dominant, I find that I'm desiring her control even more intensely.

Her last time with me was about as perfect as it could get.

She fucked me intensely and I loved pleasing her by saying I will follow her instructions if she demands me to suck cock for HER.

I love Mistress Sarah, more than ever.

Zack

The real Sarah

Today, Sarah informed me that she needs Domination more than I need submission. That made me smile.

She also revealed in the post below that it sent her over the moon when I told her that I would suck a man's cock on her orders. I've sensed for a while that she wants to force me to do this. It's something that would give her the feeling of control

When I saw the photo below, at first, I was confused and a bit stunned. But now, when I see the way it's arranged with the woman forcing the slave, it makes my cock hard. I think of Sarah doing this. It makes me happy that Sarah doesn't judge me for this feeling.

Sarah is an incredible Mistress. I love making her orgasm in whatever way she likes.

Zack

Zack Truly is a Slut...

Last weekend, Zack and I met for coffee. ok, ok, so the coffee was a ploy. I got him into the fuckmobile, drove to a deserted parking lot, ordered him into the back seat and and forced him to eat my pussy, to please me. It is amusing to say that I forced him to do this, because that slut dies for this, begs to do this, pretending he is being "forced". All I can say is that he is a very lucky slave that I love this as much as he does. The problem is, it's easy to be obedient when you are required to do something you love to do. That does not prove servitude, or demonstrate submission or obedience really. But I'll get back to this thought in a bit.

We had been making plans to spend the afternoon together yesterday. The apartment was a mess with dishes needing to be put away, sweeping and vacuuming to be done, bed to be changed, and laundry was piling up. I told Zack this and he immediately said he would do it, he WANTED to do it. I asked him if he was sure, and he was adamant that he would get it done before Friday. Ok, I trust him to follow through when he says he will do something.

Long story short:
 I got to the apartment on Friday morning and nothing had been done. I knew why then just as much as I had known on Sunday that it wouldn't be done. Zack had done what he often does - makes all kinds of promises (in order to please) that he may not be able to follow through on. I decided then and there that he was going to have to learn a lesson from this.

When he arrived at the apartment, I immediately ordered him to take off his coat and get on his knees and elbows. I wanted his face on the floor. He looked at me quizzically "don't take off my clothes?" (I had set up a protocol that when he came into the apt he was to strip naked and then get on his knees before me. I wanted him to understand that this was different, that "something" was about to happen.) I told him no, and he was not to speak until I said he could. When he was in position,  I began. Now, I COULD have punished him physically. I could have gotten him naked and used my crop on his ass all afternoon as punishment. But there were 2 things at play - Zack did not need punishment because he had not done this intentionally, and he would not learn anything from it if all of his focus was on the pain, not on the error or the intended correction. I needed him to be solely focused on my voice, my words. He needed to feel the discipline on an emotional and psychological level if he was going to learn anything.

I said " I have been wondering if you got to be sooo successful at your job by saying you would complete certain tasks and then not do them. Somehow I doubt it. So, then I wonder how you expect to be a successful slave if you tell Me you will complete certain tasks and then don't." He began trying to explain, giving me excuses of a stressful week, busy at work etc etc. I told him I was NOT interested in his excuses - I knew exactly why the chores had not been done. It took him sometime to actually grasp what I was trying to teach him. (Men just aren't very smart sometimes)  I made him stay in that position and listen to Me as *I* explained this to him. I think he got it, I know he cried. I made him stay there and listen to me as I finished the  cleaning. And I hadn't gotten the laundry done because I couldn't make the machines work. As a result, I was still feeling bitchy. I let him stand and he asked if he could do the laundry - when I said yes, his fucking face lit up like a Christmas tree! I rolled my eyes, he's such a boy; we have a long way to go...

The lesson he needed (and still needs to) learn is to realise his own limitations. He wants to please - me, his boss, his wife, the rest of the world - and in doing so he will promise everything. But he is only human, a mere mortal and as such, has limitations. He needs to understand that much of the stress he experiences in his life is SELF INFLICTED because he can not say "no" to any one. What happens is he sets people up to be disappointed in him, which of course feeds his own feelings of deprecation and therefore affirming for himself that he isn't worthy of anything. It's a vicious cycle and will ultimately destroy him. I will do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. I love him, I care deeply for his well being. I'm not convinced anyone else does, because Zack won't let them.

So, Zack, if you are reading this, we have a journey ahead of us. I am hoping that what you learn with me you will be able to apply to other aspects of your life as well. Because you ARE worthy, you ARE a valuable participant to your community, your family, your workplace -- and especially to me. The world, and my world, would be a much lesser place without you in it.

Zack got to do the laundry - which made him deliciously happy. Although, he did argue with me about how to fold sheets - another lesson for another day -you do NOT argue with your Mistress.

 Now, back to obedience.
Like I said - it is easy to say you are obedient, submisive and subservient when you are completing tasks you like to do. That is not to say that a sub shouldn't be assigned tasks they enjoy, but simply that these do not necessarily demonstrate submission. Now, when a slave submits to something they don't particularily want to do, wouldn't do on their own or seek that activity out, but does it solely because they wish to please their Mistress, well, that to me is a pretty accurate demonstration of subservience. Certainly, I could restrain Zack, cover his body with hot wax, use the crop on his ass till it shone bright red, but these aren't things that I choose to do, and when I do, it is rare and is usually when someone or something has displeased me, used to expend some pent up energy.

But something I have had in my mind for many years - even before coming to the discovery of finding myself to be Dominant - pops up once in a while. I told Zack about this fantasy when we began on this journey. In the past, there were many instances when I fantasized about making my husband suck some man's cock, I had even fantasized forcing another man to fuck his ass. I see now that these fantasies were about control and being in control (something I never had with my husband). In those days, I used those fantasies to bring on orgasms - I needed them, because he never could satisfy me sexually. But, I left those fantasies behind a long time ago - they only came up when Zack asked me about fantasies I had ever had. I'll let Zack explain his response to them. At the time, this was NEVER anything I entertaained for Zack. It was my belief that my fantasy of forcing my husband in this way was about "getting even", humiliating him the way he often humiliated me. Recently, this fantasy came up again in conversation between Zack and I. And I began to understand it. Zack is very good for me.

While I was fucking him yesterday, he kept saying that if I wanted him to, he would suck another man's cock for me. I can't describe the jolt that gave me. The orgasm that followed was explosive. Then I came up with an even more extreme form of control.. if I were fucking his ass, while he was sucking that cock - and we all came together - that would be the maximum in control for me. I said that to him and he said yes, he would do that for me, as long as I was controlling the session... God, I do love this man of mine!!!

Oh, we have a long ways to go before we get to that kind of a scenario.. but it may happen. We have a long road ahead of us, lots of trials, tribulations but tons of excitement as well. And we will be on that road together.

Sarah's control

This has been an incredible day with Mistress.

She has already fucked me three times, once on my face, twice by mounting me, all within about two hours.

Her control is such a turn-on. She looks incredible in her black leather and, earlier on, her fishnet stockings.

The day started with some necessary humiliation to remind me how I need to be corrected.

Mistress then forced me onto my knees,where she proceeded to grind her gorgeous, always tasty pussy in my face. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Later when she was fucking me, I told her that she can order me to suck cock and I will do it for her. I could tell that this was turning her on, which aroused me.

She seemed to have a monumental orgasm...later she played and fucked me again, mounting me like only she does. Again, I talked about her forcing me to suck cock. Again, she came hard and intensely.

I now realize that the photo below is her fantasy. Mistress wants this. Knowing that she wants this makes me eager to give it to her.

Anyone who is reading this blog can comment if they're interested in applying to Mistress Sarah. I love her and I trust her. I will do as she says.

Zack
xoxoxo

Could This Be in Zack's Future?

Zack's Fantasy..

Zack wants us to grow into a TPE relationship (if that opportunity ever, by the grace of God, comes our way to be together 24/7). I am so there with him, I can tell you. He fantasized about us having a TPE ceromony, and that he would actually get a tattoo to mark the occasion. That sounds soooo nice. He is so totally squeamish about anything even remotely like that, so for him to say he would get a tattoo is quite significant. I would love that totally.

So, i went looking for soemthing that i might like to get tattooed on him. Which one do you like, Zack?

       

    

The bottom 2 pics are stylized versions of the symbol for bondage. I can't decide which I like best. But if I have my way, Zack will have one of these decorating his body somewhere.

Zack's Reality...

Zack posted below that when I turn into a Bitch it turns him on. Hummmm, it didn't yesterday. We got together to spend a little time together and without going into detail, Zack managed to do something , unwittingly, that turned me into a BITCH.. THE BITCH I do not let people see. I guess he saw it on my face, because he asked what was wrong, was I upset about something?

Fuck..! Was I upset? I had to leave the room, saying "I can't talk to you right now" and compose myself. I went into the bathroom to get dressed and I was shaking. I realised that if I had just unleashed that BITCH inside me - as he so often says I could and he would love me anyway - I knew that he would have left and there would have been a good chance he would not have come back. We talked briefly before he left, but it's taking me a while to get past this. I'm not quite as Bitchy this evening, but I can't say how I will be tomorrow.. especially since Zack and I will be spending the afternoon together at the apt - me in my leather and him in.. ...well, who knows??

No, Zack has no idea what THAT Bitch version is like and if I can help it he will never see it.
Not now, not ever. She scares me very much.

Mistress Bitch

Every once in a while, Sarah adopts a Bitchy persona. I will confess that this really turns me on. It's the look she gives me. That don't fuck with me look. I feel some fear combined with intense attraction. She's really hitting a primal spot when she does that.

I don't think I could live with the intensity of the Bitch all the time, but I do need to see her every once in a while, just as a reminder of who is in charge of this relationship.

When she's dressed in her leather and holding the crop, it gives me such intense feelings. I can't even describe them in this post.

I'm so lucky to have such a kind, loving, and, yes, sometimes Bitchy Mistress. Sarah is perfect for me. I love her so much.

She can fuck my face anytime she likes.

Zack

Back On An Even Keel???

Zack is back. It happens. I'm also back. And everything has changed.

I did something. I went on a vacation. Not just any vacation, but one that has liberated me in more ways that one can imagine. Last year I got it into my mind that I wanted to go to New Orleans - specifically for Mardi Gras. For the first time in my life I went on a vacation without my husband, without any family obligations. A full week of no judgements, no restrictions, no stifling, no responsibility to anyone except myself. As amazing as it may seem to a lot of people, this was a first for me.

Before I left I decided I wanted another tattoo - the symbol for VooDoo Goddess Erzulie. I knew a little about her (she actually has 3 personas - I seem to resonate with qualities of them all) and I liked what I read. What the tattoo guy in the French Quarter told me is that "she is all about fucking" - that works for me. He also said that having her symbol tattooed on me would be like calling her to enter me. Enter away, Erzulie.. I welcome you!!

Last week was particularily bad for me. Sure, I called it a "post vacation slump" but it has been more than that. I felt completely and totally out of control of any part of my life. Where I was strong and independent while I was away, now I felt like I was of no value or had no purpose. It really wasn't Zack's doing, as he might think, but our interactions last week did play a role, I will admit that.

I seem to be gathering Erzulie's strength. Zack has been integral in that. He has been successful in bringing me back, in making me recognize who I really am and in doing so, who he really is. I NEED his submission. But I don't love him simply because he is my slave, simply because he is willing to submit to me. I love him because of the man he is - handsome, intelligent, kind, compassionate, loving and with a remarkable talent for turning me on sexually like no one ever has or ever could.

Yes, I am thinking about introduing other "toys" into our lives. I will actually only have 1 slave - Zack. Any others will merely be toys for me to use for my own amusement. I think Zack needs to be aware that he is not only my slave, my slutty slaveboy - he is also the love of my life. There is no way he could be replaced.

I am stronger. I am more confident in my role as Dominatrix. And most of all, I am more confident in my relationship with Zack. I may not have him 24/7, but I do have him in ways that no one else can touch. He IS mine and he will ALWAYS be mine.

In subsequent posts I add here, I'll share my plans for Zack. I'll share the development of our wonderful apartment, our sanctuary. Much of what I write here will be news to Zack - I can't wait for his reaction. I love keeping that slut guessing...

Mistress Sarah's new focus

Mistress Sarah is now being quite open about taking a second or third slave. She calls them "toys" and leaves me with the impression that I would still be her primary slave.

For some reason, this escalation is turning me on, though I do worry that I may be jealous when her attention turns elsewhere. I've had this issue in the past.

I must serve Mistress Sarah. I must quash my own desires and remember my place.

I love Mistress Sarah.

Zack

Today

Today, Sarah showed a more assertive side when we were in the fuckmobile. She ordered me to put my face between her legs. I don't think she's ever tasted better than today. I tried my best, and sure enough, she had a great orgasm.

Then she straddled me like only she can do. She let me know she is my Boss. She even slapped me hard across my face. I felt it in my jaw.

I needed that. Sarah is becoming more Dominant—and I'm feeling ready for this.

Zack

Obsession

I'm obsessing about Sarah now. I know I should be working, but she really embedded herself deeply in my whole being yesterday.

Her inner Bitch came out. It's a little scary for me at those times, but it's also tremendously erotic.

I don't fully understand why I respond this way. She sent a short email with a simple message, saying: "I feel like slapping you around today."

It was like a massive electrical jolt shot through my whole body. It was a sign that this is also what I wanted: Sarah as the aggressive Dominatrix.

She's not always like this. I'm not even sure I would always want her like this because I adore her sweet, loving side.

But yesterday, this was exactly what I needed to hear.

Zack
xoxoxox

Sarah's mood

I'm very worried about Sarah right now. She is very lovely and very giving, but she is sliding into a bit of a funk because of a bunch of things going on her life right now.

I haven't been as good a slave as I should be—and this makes me feel somewhat responsible. She will tell me that it's other things, family life and work, but I know the truth.

If I am sufficiently attentive, it helps Sarah deal with all the other bullshit in her life.

I want to be a better slave for Sarah. She deserves better. She's a beautiful woman whose face lights up any room she enters. I love watching her walk across a room. She has no idea how sexy her walk is. The first time I saw her standing, from behind, I was attracted to her, even before I saw her face.

Sarah is stunningly gorgeous. She walks with such confidence and such purpose that this just makes me want to serve her even more.

I love Sarah far more than she realizes.

Zack the slave

Sarah's latest

I do not want Sarah to shut down the blog. I haven't been very good at posting in part because I've had a rough couple of months.

But I love the blog, just as I love Sarah.

Today, she mentioned that she has a desire to order me, as her slave, to suck cock or please another woman orally.

She asked me what I thought. At first, I was a bit confused, but the more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. Part of the appeal is that it's what Sarah wants. It would give me a chance to prove my devotion to her and my willingness to follow her orders.

She knows I'm a slut. Only she knows what a slut I am. In my heart, I know if she ordered me to suck cock, I would do it. Especially if she was dressed as my Mistress.

Sarah has been feeling a bit disoriented recently. When she gets like that, she needs to be even more Dominant to regain her bearings and to feel centred. I want to give her this.

I've been hard all day for Sarah. I can't stop thinking about her. I love Sarah more than she realizes.

Zack
xoxoxox

All Good Things Must Come To An End...

As of today, I'm going to put this blog on hold.  I'm not getting from it what I thought I would, and it would seem neither is Zack. I honestly don't know if we will be back....

So, it's time to say goodbye.. at least for now.

Sarah

A Pause That Refreshes..

Its been awhile since I've been here; even longer for Zack. In all honesty, even though this is my blog, I find that it lacks interest to me when  Zack doesn't visit. I can't even guess if he has read any of my posts since the last time he posted - I doubt it.

I'm going to New Orleans next week with friends for Mardi Gras, so I won't be here until after I get back. I hope things will have settled for us both by then, but I am not sure when I will get back here to talk to myself.

Check back in a couple of weeks and I'll update our readers.
Love you all..
Sarah

An Interesting Turn of Events...

I got home from work Thursday to find Zack - naked and cleaning the apartment- doing the dishes, vacuuming. I really do need to get that boy a nice frilly apron.

I've mentioned the book I've been reading "Female Domination" (Elise Sutton) and I've been learning a lot about the submissive male psyche. I am beginning to understand Zack even better, and after this morning I am not so sure he is ready yet to give himself over to me. I don't mean that I think he is being deceitful- I believe, I KNOW he wants this - I am just not all that confident that he is yet ready for what this kind of relationship could entail; a part of me wonders if he ever will be.

Zack needs this, he needs me to take control. But I am learning that there are things *I* might want that he has very significant, psychological barriers about. I thought I might be able to break some of those walls down this week, but I also learned that he can't completely trust me- there are walls inside his head that he may never be able to let me bring down. In these things, he can't trust me enough to let me in. I think he doesn't trust himself either- as if he is afraid of some horrendous outcome if he let's me in, if he surrenders his psyche and his body fully to me in the ways I desire.

What I want, to him, is not "normal", not "natural" and he just might believe he will lose my love, respect and affection for him if he allows me to use him in this way. He has a fear of being abandoned. He has been abandoned in so many ways his entire life. I completely understand what is going on for him.

So I am using his blog to tell him, and the rest of the world, that there is NOTHING that would cause me to turn away from him. I love him unconditionally and I will always be here for him - for as long as he wants me there.

Its ok if I don't get what I want - this is why our M/s relationship is so unique: as Mistress, as his owner, I have the right to take what I want. But that isn't what our relationship is about: it's about giving as well as taking, trust, respect and most of all it's about a commitment to the well being of each other.

I love you, Zack. I need your submission, your adoration to be whole. It is only with you that I feel this way, and I will NEVER abandon you. You may not be able to be optimistic or sure of the future, but I have been around long enough to know that what I say here today will never change - unless you want it to. I hope you never do.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Who Knew I Would Have This Response?

I am at the apartment again this week. My response to being here has surprised me. The only image I have in my head is Zack - naked, restrained and face down on my bed.

The image is turning me on, big time. I lay in that bed reading my book on feminine domination. This book is certainly teaching me about not only what makes Zack tick but what he needs- as my submissive- from me. I am reading about forced male feminization - while I read this I became very aroused. Poor Zack!! Lol I need to go out and find him some sexy lingerie.

All I need is opportunity. His day will come.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And the Beat Goes On...

A new day.

In one way, its pathetic how much I miss Zack. It makes me feel weak. When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable is not a state I am comfortable with. But I can't describe the way I feel other than lost, like part of me, my "other half" is missing. Zack is missing - not "missing" but not here with me right now.

I know- selfish. He has work to do, his own life to tend to. But I'm a Dominate and we know that it really is all about what I need.

Last evening my mind wandered back to playing in our new bed for the first time.
WOW! Just thinking about it gives me multiple jolts. He is such a slut, and I got to use him in many ways. Being the greedy girl that I am, I want more. I want more opportunity to dominate my boy toy, more opportunity to fuck my whore.

He has new rules. I want him naked whenever he is in the apartment. I dare him to try to exert any kind of control over any situation again, dare him to try to back off of my advances ever.

Naked. On his knees. That's where he belongs. It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Another Day...

I am still feeling out of sorts. Let's face it, I need my slave. Life events right now are taking on their own persona - I am simply not in control. In addition to everything else, I also have a diagnosed case of SAD = Seasonal Affective Disorder. February has always been a bad month for me, and this year, I think, is going to be even worse. Worse, because I will be out of town for 2 of the 4 weeks. Out of town and away from Zack.

Zack helps me gain perspective. He allows me to re-gain that sense of control. He evens me out. He simply makes me feel good. I need to dominate - and he is the one I want for that. It is tough to concentrate. Let's face it, I'm a mess. Unless something changes soon, I am going to lose it on someone. If it can't be Zack, then I pity the sucker that steps in the way next week.

As Zack puts it sometimes, I am off kilter. I don't like the feeling one damned bit. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams.

And It Goes From Bad to Worse...

Today we had a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but a major disagreement. And it is tearing me up inside.
I got home last night from my business trip. I was staying at the apartment. When I got there, and as I suspected, nothing had changed since I left there the week previous - the carpets weren't shampooed, the table wasn't assembled etc etc. I wasn't upset about it because, as I posted, I didn't expect it to be. I knew Zack was busy, even if he didn't. But neither had the landlord come and fix the things needed repair - broken light over the sink, shower on the fritz, the sink still leaking. After the week I had, THAT really pissed me off - I pay rent for a functioning apartment. I had sent Zack an email, so he knew I was home. He responded asking if he could stop by; of course!! I needed to see him. I needed to get grounded and that is what he does for me. I am not often "needy" but I was last night.

I knew things weren't going to go well the instant he came through the door. The energy in the apartment was suddenly very dark - even though Zack seemed glad to see me. He actually said he had been depressed the entire time I was away. But his words just didn't match his actions - something was off.

I needed his arms around me, all I needed was to be held. I went to him and he backed off. He said he was afraid of getting any hint of fragrance on his clothes because he was afraid his wife would pick it up. Ok, valid, even though I never wear any fragrance when there is a possibility of seeing him. I asked him to take his coat off - he stripped down to his T shirt. I went into his arms - but I didn't feel "welcome" there. I went back to putting the table together. I could feel my agitation building - I credited it to the tough week I had. We talked for a bit - both venting our frustrations - but it was like casual acquaintances venting about work.

He had to go. I walked him to the door, we kissed good bye - a brief glancing kiss that barely made contact. and he was gone. And I stood there, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn't know why, and I didn't understand what had just happened. And I had a very sleepless night as a result.

And so did Zack. He sent me a very long email at 4 am. He is having problems with adjusting to this whole idea of the apartment. He has been distressed about the cost of the furniture - he is not ok with such extravagance - like a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a TV. He also felt he needed to pay for some of it.

As I said in an early blog post, I have a huge problem with taking money, or gifts, from anyone. I have big hang ups about it. I was taught not to take things from people that I hadn't earned. In my marriage I have always been responsible for anything I decided I was going to do/purchase. I always knew my husband was not going to ever be supportive or of assistance - even when WE decided to buy a home. it was something I wanted, so I would be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, upkeep. That is how my life has been.

I decided to get this apartment, I decided on the furniture. I did not expect anyone to assume any kind of responsibility for any part of it. I am prepared to take care of it. It's my decision and therefore my responsibility. And it upsets me knowing that now, as a result of MY decisions, Zack is feeling financially responsible for something he didn't want. I don't want him feeling that. He is stressed enough by other demands he doesn't want being heaped on him. and this is what was on his mind when he stopped by last night. He may not have even been aware of it, I certainly didn't know it, but it was there, nonetheless.

I won't go into all the details, but the day was very unpleasant. Zack now wants time to re-group his thoughts and work through this - himself. He doesn't want me involved. At the end of it all, I understood that he wanted to help with the apartment. Yes, he was surprised at the costs, but wanted to help me regardless. That is a new experience for me. Trust me, when I say we are both a little fucked up, I mean it. I apologised for my responses to his helping and I thanked him. But I never got to see him today. I still need his arms around me, I still need his comforting, his grounding. And I have no idea when I am going to experience that. I am going into a couple of very stressful weeks, and I simply need him. But he needs space. I get that. I respect his need. Whatever he wants, he will get.

But I am not very happy right now...

Lonely...

Zack and I are in a part time relationship. It works for us, it has to, as there are no other options. I love the apartment, because even if I can't be with Zack, or see him, I am close to him when I am there. It's comforting. I can't be there all the time, but when I am, it's awesome.
But this week I am out of town. I gave Zack orders to make sure he gets his work done, because I want to play when I get back. I am pretty sure he is doing what I said, because i haven't heard from him today :-(. It's bedtime, I have a full day tomorrow and thursday, and I miss him. I miss him terribly.

It's lonely here in this hotel room alone - without my slave, my boy toy, my obedient slut. I can't wait to get back Thursday evening - I am heading straight to the apartment. I wonder if he has been able to get any of the chores I gave him to do there done. He assured me he would, but I have my doubts. If he doesn't get it done, I am going to be really pissed - but not for the reasons Zack would think. I would be pissed because that is what Zack does - if an effort to please, he will commit to things that may not be possible for him to accomplish. and if he doesn't get them done, after making the commitment that he will, he feels incredible guilt. He is so lost in pleasing everyone, that he doesn't know how to recognize his own limitations. I asked him several times if he would have time to get the apartment stuff done (finish building the furniture, clean it, shampoo carpets) because I really don't think he will have time - and that's fine. what I want more than him being compliant is for him to be realistic. I guess we will see.

I love him, so very very much. He is my life.

And We Just Keep Moving Forward...

The furniture arrived yesterday. Zack had been giving me a bit of grief about how much I spent on the furniture. He has been forced to live in an apartment without any furniture except a mattress on the floor and a chair for the past year, and as such has become sort of a "minimalist" - albeit enforced. I told him that if I am going to spend any time there I need certain things. I had just spent 5 days there sleeping on pillows on the floor. That was more than enough for me. Much more than enough.

The delivery men (and they were definitely cute!!) brought the TV in first. A 40" HD LCD. I thought Zack was going to faint. "what do you need THAT for???" I told him it was the same as the one I had in my bedroom at home, so get over it. (he was getting very sassy and it was starting to irritate me). Then came the TV stand. Then the bed. The glorious bed. The centerpiece of the entire place. The play-pen. The delivery guy put it together. They brought in the dresser and the nightstand. Zack stood there with a completely confused look on his face. "I hope you got a good deal with the purchase of all this". I told him it was a very good deal - half price (including taxes) and he was looking at $6000 worth. Lol. He tried very hard not to have a stroke. I have no idea why it's a big deal to him.   HE ISNT PAYING FOR IT.

We got left with assembling the kitchen table and chairs, so I put Zack to work. I made the bed. After 1 chair was assembled, I called him to come and try the bed out. I'm sure you know what came next. By the time I was done with him a couple of hours later, he was very happy his wise Mistress bought such a great bed. He said he beleived he would get ot like it so much that he would never leave. I told him that was my plan.

It was a great afternoon: building furniture, fucking, eating- I make him some scrambled eggs and toast (he has to keep up his strength ). I am going out of town next week, so I left him with a list of chores: Assemble the rest of the furniture, wash the dust off of it all, shampoo the carpets (they never did get done) and whatever else he can find to do. it has to be done by the time i get back there on Thursday evening.

His discipline is on hold until I get everything set there. Once it's complete.. well, let the games begin!!

Zack's been a bad boy...

Well, not really. Just sort of. He sent me an email on Tues asking if he could come over "even if its just to do the dishes". I know him, though. He's such a slut, a whore and will sell himself out to me for any chance of being fucked. I decided all he was going to do was the dishes.

When he arrived, I ordered him to strip and get busy in the kitchen. This was a first for me - I've never had a house-maid before. I think I might have to get him a french maid's apron; how cute would that be with his cock tenting it out because of his raging hard on. Because when I went into the kitchen, there he was- naked, washing dishes with a huge erection. I couldn't resist.

I went over and started kissing him and stroking his cock. All he could do is say "I like this.." In a very dreamy voice, over and over with a glazed over look. I left and went into the bedroom.

When he was done in the kitchen, I ordered him to the bedroom and to lay down on the bed. I had decided I WAS going to fuck him after all, but told him he had better not come or he was going to "get it", he would be in significant trouble.

And then I fucked him. I mean I held him down and FUCKED him. And it was during this that my devilish plan was born. You see, Zack is very good at holding off. He is actually a very obedient slave. So much so that I'm not getting the fun of punishment. So, I decided that I had to push him- push him, push him so hard he would have to fail. I am such a bitch! Lol

Poor guy, he really tried. I have to give him credit, he was almost successful, I almost came before he did. I was feeling very aggressive and very possessive and I let him know it. I had him by the hair and whispered the words that he simply can not resist. When I call him my fucking slut, my whore, that I own his body and I will use him like the piece of meat he is, when I have him by the hair and his head pulled back while I growl these words in his ear- well, he's a goner.

And he went over the edge. I think he actually tried to hide it, by pulling me closer to him. But he knew that he couldn't get anything passed me, as he whispered "I am in so much trouble".

I laughed - and told him he most certainly was. I can't wait! My furniture arrived today. When I get everything set up - the new "dungeon" will be in full swing and Zack will be a very willing recipient- because he truly is a total whore and will do anything, endure everything I deliver for the change of getting fucked.

He is so transparent.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Reflections...

It feels so good to be here and to be here (at this point in my life) with Zack is a bonus. He fulfills my every need - even my need to be a bitch at times.

I can almost see him quiver with anticipation when that is how I am on any given day. Where others always head for the hills when the bitch shows up, Zack gets excited. It feels good to know I can be myself with him. I will confess, there are still those moments when I get insecure and worry that if I am a bitch or if I have to discipline him, he will leave me. I constantly try to get past that. Once the apartment is set up, Zack's training will begin again in earnest. Watch this site for the details.

His training will include a wide range of activities. Zack has ADD. I do as well but not to the extent he does. I want to train him to focus. Oh, I know he won't be perfect, no one is, but Zack tends to use his ADD as an excuse. We are going to work on that. Training is also going to include new ways I will use him, use his body, to dominate and control him. He knows what's coming - I want to dominate him ultimately and that include fucking his ass. There will be no better way to demonstrate my total ownership of his body; the idea of this excites me greatly. I think when I reach this level of control there will be nothing greater. I will have accomplished what we both want and need.

I know this causes Zack some anxiety, this is very much uncharted territory for us both. But his comfort and safety is first and foremost in my mind. I hope he can trust me when I say I promise pleasure like he has never experienced before. And in doing that for him will bring me immense pleasure as well.

We have come too far, *I* have come too far to be happy without a slave, without submission- I want that submissive to be Zack. I want my sexual slave to be Zack so it is important to me not to fuck this up.

It feels very good to have this apartment. It is a lot closer to Zack than my other home. I feel much more content just being in closer proximity to Zack. It doesn't necessarily mean we will be able to spend more time together (although I hope we will) it just feels good having a place for us, a "dungeon" for us and to know he is near.

I am going to be more demanding. I am going to be more disciplined myself. I am going to be more structured. And both of us are going to be so much happier for it.

What's the expression? "A future so bright I gotta wear shades".
That's us.
Sent from my BlackBerry

Sarah is an incredible woman

My cock is hard for Sarah again, but I can't visit her. She has instructed me to stay away this afternoon, so I am trying to work. But I'm obsessing again.

I felt so good in the apartment on Friday. Sarah was angry at me and as I read the post below, I now know that I will be disciplined for being slow to return. I will accept that.

Sarah doesn't realize how good she looked upon my return. Even though she was pissed at me, I was so happy to see her, especially when she's in her Dominatrix attire. I feel like I've come home at those times.

She's an incredible woman. And when she fucks me as an Alpha Bitch, I'm in the best place I could ever be. I feel good about myself when I am very successful with orgasm control with her. She deserves a hard cock anytime she wants it—and it's my job to supply this on demand, if this is what she desires.

I'm not going to be very successful if I'm so busy coming for my own pleasure. This is about Sarah's pleasure. My pleasure comes from seeing her take charge.

She fucked my face so perfectly on Friday. My tongue was a little sore at night. That's a sign that she has done everything perfectly.

I love Sarah so much.

Zack
xoxox

Well, Well, Well...

It was a very interesting day indeed! I started out by buying "stuff" for the apartment. The furniture won't be delivered until next Friday, but I wanted to get the rest of the place set up. I told Zack I would be there around 10 if he were able to come over - I wanted to show him the place, give him his keys, but I assured him there was NOT going to be any play - not until I have everything set up.

I got a lot of stuff done, and waited until 12:30 - Zack hadn't showed up yet, so I went to a nearby coffee shop for coffee and to work on my laptop. As these things usually go, I no sooner sat down with coffee and got the laptop turned on when he called - he was at the apartment, and where was I? (I was a block away). I told him I would be right there. Mr. Anxious couldn't wait for me there, he came to meet me.   :-)

We got into the apartment and I showed him around - all 2 rooms of it. It was the first time he had seen it and he was quite pleased. We sat on the floor and talked, made out, but like I said - no play. Besides he had an appointment at 2. He said the appointment would be brief and he would be right back. I told him to hurry, because I had a surprise for him. My resolve had weakened and I did want to play after all. It's what happens when I am around Zack. I know, I'm weak.

I had my play stuff there, so I changed into my "Mistress Persona" and was ready for him. He had a key so he could let himself in. I was ready for him - sitting on the counter, flogger in hand. I waited.

And I waited. 3:30 came and went. By 3:45 I was pissed. I put the chain on the door. There was no way he was going to just saunter on in. I was going to give him until 4 pm, at which time I was changing and leaving. Fuck him and he was going to pay for this. At 3:58 he opened the door.

Of course, he couldn't get in, because of the chain. I could tell by his voice that this confused him. I told him to wait a minute and went to open the door. What he saw when he came through the door was his Mistress and she was not happy - and I told him so. I went back into the kitchen. His confusion continued. I am sure he had no idea why I was pissed. Typical thoughtless, stupid man. He asked what he could do to make it better. I told him to get his fucking clothes off and get into position in front of me. He was very prompt. Once he was on his knees, he asked if he could explain. I told him no. I also told him that one thing that was going to change immediately was that I no longer wanted to hear all his fucking excuses when he messed up. What I wanted was for him to apologise and take responsibility it. That and to take the discipline that would result like a man. He apologised. We'll have to see how he takes the discipline.

Now one thing I do know is that you never discipline or punish when you are angry. I'm pretty sure if I had started using the flogger it would have made me feel better, but it would not have been good for Zack. And I want never to betray his trust in me that way. Instead, I sent him into the other room.

When I got in there, he was in position, on his knees, waiting for me. I won't go into the step by step, but what I finally did was fuck him - but it wasn't truly sexual. He was ordered not to cum. And I fucked him like an Alpha Bitch - with the intent of him understanding who was in charge, who was in control. I think he got the picture.

He didn't get disciplined today. But he will. One thing I am beginning to realise is that I HAVE been soft on him. I don't regret that, I think it has been necessary for us both to work through situations and develop an unconditional trust. But now he needs discipline. I think he understands that I want him to be the very best slave he can be, and in doing so, he will become a better man in all aspects of his life as well. I wholeheartedly believe that. I love him and I want him to be the very best he can be. He is worth it, he is worthy of my love and he is worthy of my direction. I have been challenged in this part of our M/s relationship - I am not a sadist, it doesn't bring me pleasure to cause pain. But just as a mother disciplines her child, discipline borne out of love and a desire for the child to be successful and happy, so must a Mistress discipline her sub, her slave.

What Zack doesn't know (but will once he reads this) is that once the apartment is ready, he will be disciplined on a regular basis. The discipline is not punishment - being subservient requires a person to be disciplined in their actions, in their lives. Zack is most definitely not disciplined. Just as athletes make sacrifices to be the best, living very disciplined lives, so must those who serve Mistresses and Masters. Being the best doesn't come easily, nor does it come without some level of discomfort and suffering. The discipline will remind Zack that he must try harder. What Zack also needs to know and understand is that I will discipline with great love. Because he is my great love. I do not take this effort or make this commitment to anyone else. I will no longer let his lapses slide. I will no longer accept his excuses or his blaming a million events or others for his faltering.  And he will falter - I know that. But I know he will do his best, and that with each error he will try harder to be better. He believes he can be the best slave I could have. I guess time will tell.

I love you Zack. I want you to be the very best you can be. I want you to be as happy as I can possibly make you. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Decisions, Disappointments, Anticipation, Excitement...

I have taken possession of "our apartment" - I like the sound of that, a lot.

It actually wasn't an easy decision to make when it came down to it. I had a bit of a meltdown a few days ago, but I was fortunate enough to have been able to connect with Zack and talk it out. Its crazy how centered and grounded I become when we connect. He is very good for me. We are both looking forward to the opportunities in store for us here. Of course, I think we will still need to play in the fuckmobile once in awhile - you know, just for old times sake. :-)

But just so you know, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are things that disappoint me. This blog is one of them. Regardless of what I want (and Zack knows what that is) he doesn't get here or add to it as much as I would like. After we have spend a particularly intense session playing, for example, I will instruct him to add his thoughts and reflections about here. That rarely happens. I'm giving up on that. What will be will be, I guess. Some things i will never have control over.

All in all, however, the future - our future - looks bright. It remains fragile, and I will never take that for granted, but I feel good. I feel so very good.

Up, Down and All Around...

I'm excited about having a place to spend time with Zack - a place we can call "ours", a place I can have my stuff "to hang my hat" so to speak. But my emotions have been all over the map since I got the call about the apartment on Saturday. What I realized was that I needed Zack - I needed his submission, I needed his presence. Only then would I be able to think clearly and work through this in my mind.

I wasn't sure he would get my messages about getting together today sometime, but I hoped - so I tried. Zack likes it when he knows I have been "stalking" him, so that is what I did today, in hopes of seeing him. I cruised his apartment building, and then went to a local coffee shop to "lay in wait". I wasn't completely sure, but I figured that if he got my message of where I was, he would be there.

And what a good boy he is!!! Although he didn't have a lot of time, he was able to meet me for a bit.
seeing him, having the opportunity to discuss this with him, to have him challenge me about it (is this the right time?) was enough for me to sort it out in my mind. I feel much better now. MUCH better.

And I can't wait to get that gorgeous new bed I bought in there - I can't wait to get Zack tied to it, I can't wait to resume his "training" - here's an interesting bit of news.. the sales person suggested I buy one of their mattress covers.. it's fleece covered, but completely water proof. I said "Oh, so I could pee the bed and the mattress would be protected?" "Yep!" was her reply. Now if you have read any of our blog, and you understand Zack, you will know EXACTLY what I was talking about!!! LOL. Did I buy it?? You're damned right I did!!

When I get the stuff moved in, I'll take pictures and post them here.. you might even see one of Zack's ass with "Sarah's Slut" written across it in lipstick..
Good times ahead!

Good news!!

Well, it's confirmed - I have been approved for the new apartment that will become my "dungeon" of sorts. I assume occupancy on Jan. 15/12.

This is not only turning a page, but the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. The road ahead will not be smooth - but if I have Zack with me, I'll be ok.

50 Reasons Why a Slave Should Serve...

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The Ups and the Downs...

It's no one's fault.. it simply is what it is (note: I understand this is one of the phrases to be eliminated from our speech this year - not mine, it says it like it is!)

Our situation and our relationship is so far from ideal - for both of us. All we can do is make the best of it. Zack is trying so hard to work "us" into his life - last week was amazing! We have spent some incredibly amazing time together - quality time that has enhanced and deepened our relationship. Things are so wonderful, with the potential of getting better, So why do I feel so down right now?

It's because I am one very greedy girl, I always have been. I am never satisfied with the status quo. I think this character "flaw" worries Zack. I think he is afraid that I will get to a point where I won't be satisfied with him, that I will become bored with him, that our relationship will not satisfy me. He doesn't  have a thing to worry about. We have just begun our journey together - we have so much to explore, so many things to try - some we will love, some we won't, but there is a lot of "living" we have missed out on and need to make up for. I want to do that with Zack.

It isn't simply his servitude that makes me want him, it isn't his gorgoeus cock (although, I will confess - that IS a big draw ), it is the man he is. I don't think he understands that. I'm not sure I understand that. I have always be hyper-critical of people. I have always been able to pick out their flaws, their weaknesses. So, why is it so different with Zack? Because I know he has flaws, he has weaknesses, and there are things about him that drive me crazy some times. But at the end of it all (and I have told him this) I do not want him to change anything. I love his weaknesses, his flaws, his vulnerabilities. Every one of them come together to make him the man I so dearly love. If he changed anything would I love him less? I highly doubt it, and any change isn't necessary anyway, because there isn't anything he could do that would make me love him more than I do right now.

No, my problem right now is that I can't get enough of him. I should be satisfied with our morning together a week ago, having coffee before work the other morning, the afternoon with him and then the time we got to spend together the following morning. Yes, I have had more time with Zack recently than ever before. And yet, I miss him so much.

I went to see an apartment last week. I am praying my application will be approved. I want this apartment so badly. It would allow us to see each other often, I would be able to hang my toys somewhere, we could have our very own "playpen" to enjoy each other in. Our own little dungeon.

But the decision to take this apartment has brought it's own trepidations, it's own level of anxiety for me. It's a huge commitment, absolutely. But it is also the first step away from my marriage - the first REAL step. My counsellor is rooting for me - he is very encouraging for me to do this. But no matter how I feel about my marriage and my husband this is not easy. As much as I love Zack and want to be with him or near him - this step is definitely NOT easy. No matter the reasons, I will be walking away from something I have invested almost my entire life into. Again, it is what it is, but it isn't easy. Zack needs to understand that. He needs to understand that as much as  I want to do this, I feel a huge loss as a result. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Loving Zack is not a mistake, Zack is my life, my destiny. But if I do this, and Zack comes to a point where he can't continue with me - then I am lost. Forever. That scares the crap out of me.

I know we can never know the future or what it will bring. Sometimes is is hard to step out on that ledge and take that leap of faith. I just hope Zack is always there to catch me.

Sarah's absence

I'm missing Sarah right now. I haven't seen her since Thursday. We had an incredible time together, and I know things will get even better this year.

But at the moment, she's not around and it's leaving me feeling a bit lonesome. I hope I can spend some time with her this week.

Zack