It's All About Structure...

Zack needs structure in his life. He does better when he knows what is expected of him and how he can be successful. I have to admit, I have not been very good at providing that. Zack has 3 components in his life - home, work and me. None of us have given him what he needs to make him feel whole. I am going to put processes in place that will give Zack the "structure" he needs. I am sure that if he feels sure and grounded in one life component, he will cope better in all of them. I guess I will have to wait and see.

I am going to give Zack some "rules", some direction that will be standardized in our relationship. It is going to be hard at first, for both of us, but it will be better in the end.

When I get these rules in place I will have Zack post about it here.
Keep your fingers crossed!
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Progress...

I'm new to this role of Mistress. When I started this blog, it was because I wanted to share my experience of coming to this revelation of not only who I am but who Zack is as well. This hasn't been easy.

I read everything I can - I am only happy when I am 100% successful- and that success is determined by my standards, not anyone else's. For ME, doing "my best" is not good enough, ever. When I go into something new, I will devour as much information as I can about the subject. I can't tell you the amounts I have spent on books, classes etc in my life as I went from one thing to the next - starting an aquarium, getting a dog, taking up embroidery, knitting, ceramics - it doesn't matter. And now, I find myself HERE, a self proclaimed Mistress to My boyfriend. It is no surprise that I have spent many hours on the internet researching the lifestyle, the ins and out of being the "M" in an M/s relationship. (I'm grateful for the internet - I don't have to buy books! The money I save buys me equipment instead lol Thanks, Steve Jobs!) What I found in my readings is that there are no rules, there are no instructions on how to be a perfect Mistress. I really hope that others new to this lifestyle stumble across this blog and learn from my experience.

I was reading a forum the other day and one topic that I read was about the existence of Mistress blogs. There seems to be an abundance of Master blogs, but few Mistress ones. The reason for that seems to be based in the societal attitude that women are still the weaker sex, and that a Mistress blog might expose a "weakness" in her.

Well, I believe the opposite to be true: as I write here, I am able to sort my thoughts and ideas. I find this blog makes me stronger in my role, but also allows me to demonstrate my "softer" side as well. A Mistress is the best of both worlds. She is strong, in control, sure of what she wants and demands those wants be delivered. She is also kind, loving, caring and forgiving. She is very intuitive to the feelings and needs of her slave without being taken advantage of. She makes sure her slave knows his place, that he is clear on the rules. Her primary goal is to improve not only her own life, but the life of her slave as well - mutual pleasure and happiness.

I'm getting there. My discussions with Zack have given me something to think about, and have enhanced my learning.

Something tells me Zack is a very lucky slave.
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Sarah's absence

I can't phone or email Sarah now and I'm missing her presence.

I hope she fucks me this week. I want to feel her demands.

I've been hard for Sarah all weekend. Yesterday, we discussed more intimate issues, including the topic of her post below.

The better I get to know Sarah, the more it's dawning upon me that she has the capacity to be a very demanding Mistress. This would surprise people who know her, because she is also incredibly sweet and loving.

She worries that if she gives a voice to this demanding side of her that she will lose me. I don't believe that will happen. We are two sides of the same coin.

She let it slip that in her readings, she has learned of Mistresses who sometimes make their slaves remain naked in the home. The thought of being ordered to remain naked for Sarah in this way does turn me on.

For Sarah, control is an aphrodisiac. I like giving her more control because it heightens her pleasure. I'm hoping that one day, I will have the privilege of wearing her leash in public.

She has indicated that she will be giving me instructions. I look forward to this.

I also want her to urinate on me. It will show her in a very authentic way that she has control, more than she realized. When I'm Sarah's slut, I feel like I've come home. I am closer to my true self, the true self that I can't reveal in the workplace.

I'm also so happy that Sarah likes my big cock. I want her to consider this as her possession.

Zack

Well, Here Goes Nothing...

First of all, if there is anyone out there reading our blog, would you mind posting a comment now and then? Especially if there are any Dominants reading this: This is an open invitation for You to come here and dominate Zack - tell him what You would do with him if he were Your slave. He would LOVE that.

And, if there are any of you wormish-like subs reading, well, I am sure he wouldn't mind hearing from you either. That is the one disappointment about this blog for him  - I personally don't give a damn if you comment or not, but he is a very needy boy. he doesn't think he is an exhibitionist, but he is - he likes the thrill of fucking in the car and risking getting caught, he loved Me giving him orders in the coffee shot and he loved Me kissing him in public - just grabbing his hair, pulling him to Me and kissing him. Zack truly is a slut, that is for sure. This blog is in public domain, and it excites him to know others in this world are reading about him. So, again, I invite you to come here and let him know what you think, you can even share with him how you might serve me if you were My slave. Now, let's get to the issue at hand, shall we?

It hasn't been a very good week for Me. Being a person who needs control to survive, any loss is huge. These are the times I need Zack. These are the times I wish I had a 24/7 slave - because managing the other aspects of My life where I am not the one in control would be so much easier. Just as a professional Dom will tell you that their clients are usually high power men who need that opportunity to completely submit for a few hours, that is the way it is for Me. When I am not feeling as much control as I like to have in the rest of my life, I need My slave. Until recently, that was possible - I could call him, order him to get his ass into My car immediately and he would be there. But that isn't the case right now - his work has become very demanding and I am not going to compromise his work by ordering him away from it. I can assure you, and him, that if I had gotten him into a bed yesterday, he would have left with a very sore & red ass, rug burns on his knees, and much much hornier than when he arrived. he may have even lost some of his hair to My fist. That was the state I was in. Ironically, he would have loved it.

We e-mailed for a while this morning and he managed to take the edge off, but the need remains. We have chatted quite a bit today, and I asked him some pretty specific questions. It's was good, and as a result, I am feeling much better, more like I can handle whatever comes at me right now. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings, I guess.

So, this morning, Zack asked if I had ever thought of peeing on him. he;s asked that question before.  I have to admit, the idea gives Me a rush, although I am not sure why. Then he asked me to describe how I thought it would feel urinating on him in the shower. I've had to think about that.

 I've been considering this alot today. Obviously, it is something he has thought about, and as is My norm, I went to a sub site to see if I could get some insights. Zack can only guess how he will feel, so I wanted to see what the experience was like for other subs the first time. The sites have proven to be quite enlightening with many perspectives, but at the end of it all, this was something that both Mistress and slave get pleasure out of. There are many different reasons why, but they don't matter. The end result matters.

So, now I have considered how it might make Me feel. The idea is not completely strange to Me, but I do wonder if the intended impact is attainable. Regardless, I think this would be something, an act, that would truly make him MY slave. Regardless of anything else in his life, it would be my "mark" that he would carry with him. I can imagine him - laying in the tub. he would be cold, no doubt, and I expect a bit apprehensive. (I won't go into how I get him there,  I will leave that to him, because after our next session he will be required to post here; and even though he knows its coming, he won't know when it's coming.) I would be standing over him, towering over him, actually. I would reach down, and grab him by the hair (have I mentioned how much I like dragging him around by the hair??) and make him look into My eyes. then I would ask him "WHO owns you??" 

And we know what his answer better be, now don't we?

I  think the experience will be a powerful one. Zack likens it to a baptism; I suppose it is. He is being re-born, he is morphing into what he is supposed to be, what he has been all along and denied. he will be whole at last. And Me?  I will have attained total control over him, I will truly own him, he will be all mine. After this, he will never be free of me. he will always be My slave. Glorious.



Musings...

I'm in the hotel room. The sun is coming up and there is a beautiful view from the 10th floor.

It feels good laying here in this bed where Zack and I spent several hours yesterday. I can smell him on the pillows; his scent is like an aphrodisiac to me.

I loved being with him yesterday. The coffee shop was fun- I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and I took great pleasure in ordering him to sit and where, as I bought coffee. When I sat down, I asked him if he had eaten. I knew the answer - he hadn't . I also knew that he wanted to be out of there and in bed here with Me. But, as we know, this is not about what he wants, now is it??

I pulled a sandwich out of my bag that I had bought him and ordered him to eat. I guess I sounded like I meant it because he ate without arguing with Me about it. Another first. I might just be making progress with this guy.

My dream is to get him away where we are strangers and publicly be his Mistress, he as my slave. I want him to wear the collar in public- I want to humiliate him in public - if showing the world that I own him, that he is My slave, that he can only do what I allow him to do is humiliating. Somehow, I don't think it would be for Zack. I fantasize a lot about that.

I made him beg to wear the collar yesterday. I actually had him doing a lot of begging - that was fun! My favourite though is not letting him cum. That is an indescribable feeling - that he would do everything in his power to comply. I love saying the words that take him immediately to the edge " Mother wants to fuck her slutty son". He truly is a slut. He will do anything to get fucked - and the more he trusts Me, the further I can push him.

I worry, though, that I might not be creative enough to keep him interested. He is constantly asking for "more". I don't think people appreciate or comprehend how much work actually goes into an M/s play session. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't spontaneous. And then, there are the times when I just want us to be us. It is important to Me that Zack gets from Me what he needs, what he desires. Nothing takes priority over him. I hope I am good enough to keep him coming back for more.
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At Long Last....

W/we've been away from here for a while. All is well, W/we have just been very busy - life always has a way of getting in the way of what W/we want most. But today, "life" got pushed aside for awhile.

Zack and I spent an entire afternoon together - doing what W/we like to do best - fucking. Oh, certainly, W/we talked, and W/we laughed, and Zack actually slept a little (he really needed that!) but mostly W/we fucked. And at the end of it all, W/we both had a "head explosion". I was lucky enough to have 2.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole Dominance thing. I've read everything I can, twice. I know what a Domme is SUPPOSED to act like. I know what is expected. But what I am learning is that this stuff is only useful in teaching you about this lifestyle - and just as everyone has a different perspective of what "lifestyle" means to them, I am just figuring out what being a Domme means to me.

I love Dominating Zack. I love being in control of the situation and in control of him. I absolutely love the look he gets on his face when I order him around - this is when his little boy self comes out, and sheer adoration shines out of his eyes. It turns Me on.

I had him meet me at a coffee shop yesterday and as we sat there I made him do a little begging - I made him beg me to give him a hotel room key and I made him tell Me exactly what he wants from his Mistress. The more he said, the more turned on I became. Without even a thought, I reached out, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him to me and kissed him. Yes, right there - in the front of the coffee shop, visible from the busy street, and in front of everyone. Zack impressed me. The "old" Zack would have probably fainted dead away in sheer panic if I had done that before.  LOL. He just got a stupid grin on his face and asked me to do it again!

When W/we were finally naked and in bed, I at last had him exactly where I wanted him - under Me.  I LOVE being on top of him, his cock buried deep inside me, and watching him work so hard not to come, I love moving, and saying the things that I know make him crazy; I love bringing him to the absolute edge, backing off, only to take him back to the edge again. THAT is control and I love that Zack gives me that. And he does that for Me.

But there are a few things I am struggling with, and I figured some things out yesterday. First of all, BDSM has 4 very different components. A successful relationship does not have to include all of those components. Now, I am pretty sure, that if I were a professional Dominatrix, with my own dungeon, I would have absolutely no problem delivering all kinds of pain and humiliation to my clients. I'm pretty sure I could get to be very good at flogging some sub who desperately wanted and needed that. I do believe I have it in me.

Yesterday, I inflicted pain on Zack. I have said before I like to bite, not hard, but hard enough. Zack has probably the most sensitive nipples anyone could ever have. Something about that fascinates me. For some reason, I feel challenged by that and it excites Me to take on the challenge of controlling him that way; the idea of bringing him to his knees by biting, pinching and squeezing those tender nipples causes the heat to rise in Me. It fucking turns Me on.

He is such a fucking pussy about those nipples. And the more he whines and cries about it, the greater the pleasure I seem to get. lol. Sorry, Zack, I suspect those nipples are going to take a lot of the heat in the future.

I got the crop out as well yesterday, and gave him a pretty good paddling. Now, this is the confusing part. I didn't enjoy it. I have absolutely no idea why. Zack's response was the same as when I was twisting those poor nipples of his, and yet My response was not the same. I have all kinds of thoughts about this, and it truly confuses me but I have to think about it some more, to sort it out in My mind. I do think, however, I would enjoy more of the hot wax play. W/we didn't do that yesterday, but I have a feeling I would enjoy that more. I am not sure it would be a turn on for me though.

 One thing I do know, if Zack can't handle the pain from his nipples when I play with them, he sure isn't going to be able to handle me fucking his ass. I don't know if I have the skills it would take to get him past all of his anal hang-ups. I guess we will just have to see.

I didn't restraint him or blindfold him yesterday - I needed to feel his hands on me, his arms around me, I needed to see his face and look into his eyes. I love his face, and I love his eyes. I'm not being corny when I say they truly are the window to his soul. And I know that I am the only one who sees, who knows what lies there. I know Zack. I know who he is and what he needs, even when he doesn't. And I delight in knowing I am the only one who does. I don't think he looks at Me the same way, or sees Me the same way, but that's ok - I'm not sure men are capable of that.

I love you, Zack. More than you could ever possibly know. I am not sure you will ever fully comprehend that.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah

Sarah,

I felt terrible about yesterday morning and you know that. There's a part of me that wasn't thrilled with you setting up that profile without talking with me first. I can't control you, nor do I wish to control you. I understand the pain of your life, so it doesn't surprise me intellectually that you would seek more stimulation elsewhere.

And it's true that I'm a total and complete slut. And I was interested in hearing about your correspondence. It does turn me on thinking about you force-feeding me a hard cock, especially if I don't even see the man, and I hear your voice in my ear calling me your whore.

It's just been a tough week and one I never want to repeat.

Zack

Eleven Elements of an M/s Relationship

If this weren't so huge, I'd get a tattoo. I felt a need to re-post these... Enjoy!

First element is HONESTY
Complete and total honesty between the slave and Mistress. Without such honesty, the relationship can not exist in it's fullness; from honesty all things grow.

Second element is TRUST
Trust grows from honesty. Only through the knowledge that the Mistress is, and always will be, completely honest can the slave also give complete trust, and only through the knowledge that the slave is completely honest with Her, can the Mistress trust the slave.

Third Element is RESPECT
Respect for each other grows from the knowledge of complete honesty and the giving of complete trust.

Fourth Element is SUBMISSION
The slave must willfully and completely submit to the Mistress. This he can do because of the trust he has in Her.

Fifth element is POSSESSION
The Mistress fully possesses the slave - his thoughts, mind, body and soul. The slave gives himself completely to the Mistress and the Mistress assumes ownership of the slave. Everything that was his is now Hers to do with as She sees fit.

 Sixth element is OBEDIENCE
The slave must always obey the Mistress's every command. He obeys not only because he is owned and possessed but because he desires to please his Mistress in every way he can.

Seventh element is CARING & DEVOTION
The Mistress cares for the slave and will always be devoted to his welfare. The slave must care for the Mistress and be devoted to Her well-being as well. The slave serves, not only out of duty, but also out of his devotion to his Mistress. He must learn Her every desire; Her every whim is to be his life. His destiny is to serve with all of his soul because of this devotion.

Eighth element is PROTECTION
The Mistress assumes the responsibility of complete and utter protection of the slave. He is Her property and as such is to be protected at all times from all harmful influences, be it from another person or society at large.

Ninth element is HONOR
To be a true Mistress, She must have honor in every action She takes, in every thought She thinks. The slave must honor his Mistress and do everything in his power to protect that honor through his own actions, words and thoughts.

Tenth element is FRIENDSHIP
The most lasting relationships are based on friendship while the Mistress Dominates and the slave serves. They must become friends or the relationship is doomed.
 Eleventh element is LOVE
If, and only if, all the previous elements have been met, then love can bloom between the Mistress and the slave. This is the greatest of the elements, the most difficult to attain but at the same time the most fragile and strongest. It binds the Mistress to the slave and the slave to the Mistress with an unbreakable bond - the bond of LOVE.

And the Beat Goes On...

Being of a personality that needs to keep Her mind busy, I did something last weekend, after My encounter in the woods with Zack. I heard about a dating website on the radio on the way home. It peaked My curiosity, so I visited the site when I got home. It was a site for married people looking for "more". Well, being the flirt, the tease that I am, I could not resist, I set up a profile. I made it clear that I was dominant - complete with leather boots, crop and fishnet stockings.

I was rather astonished by the response! Within 24 hr. I had close to 50 messages - asking for more info, sharing of pictures and asking to see Mine. It kind of blew Me away, to be frank. Over 500 men viewed My profile in the next few days, and it did not take long before I had over a 100 requests for more of everything. (There is one irony - one guy, whose site nickname was "Onmyknees" and who was clearly into slavedom and likely the most submissive of the lot,  did not reply back - THAT was curious!) Anyway, I shared this info with Zack.

Zack, being the total slut that he is, was all over this like white on rice!! It excites him to think of me dominating someone else, it excites him to think of being in the room while I dominate another man. I think he simply gets off on Me ordering anyone around! lol. Who knows, maybe I will find U/us a plaything on this site. He is encouraging me to be "a professional" - THAT excites him a lot. Who knows what the future holds?? Zack will always be first and foremost in my heart, but sometimes I do wonder if it is enough for Me being only a part time Mistress.

I know I spend way too much time alone - which has a way of getting Me into trouble. What is compounding the problem today is that I had thought I was going to be seeing Zack this morning, but it hasn't worked out that way. My mind understands all the reasons, and although Zack says don't be disappointed, how can I not be? There will be no opportunity to spend any kind of quality time with him for the next couple of weeks, so right now I am not doing so great. I know Zack will be upset when he reads this, because he does not want to be the cause of my disappointment.

I'm sorry Zack, as much as I want to protect you from hurt, I have also promised to be honest. And right now, I'm very disappointed. I'll get over it, and it isn't your fault, it just is what it is.

Every Woman Should have a Slut-Slave - just not Mine!

I wonder if other M/s couples are as compatible as Zack and I are. We totally "fit"- physically, sexually, emotionally and I think intellectually (although Zack is very intelligent, so I'm not sure I keep up all the time). W/we fit even before W/we made this discovery; this development in O/our relationship has simply maximized what we had.
If anyone read My first blog post, they might remember that Zack's preference for "light BDSM" scared Me. I was naïve, I was biased and completely ignorant to what this meant - I was more vanilla than vanilla. It is still a little surreal to be where I am at right now.
Knowing who I am, and having a partner who compliments my every wish, My every need, My every desire is something I could never have anticipated. Hell, I didn't even know it was possible to feel this way.
An M/s (or D/s, whichever you want) relationship is so far from what people (vanilla) think it is. It isn't weird, it isn't perverted, it isn't twisted, it definitely isn't sick. Those are the things it isn't.
When the right people come together in an M/s relationship- it is beautiful. This relationship not only requires honesty, openness and trust, it fosters these things. The relationship simply can not work without it. It is essential that one partner knows the other. They must communicate their deepest fears, needs, desires. Without these, it can not survive.
I have realized the deep irony of this. This is nothing special. These requirements are necessary for ANY relationship to be successful - BDSM, vanilla, work, play. These characteristics are essential for our success in all aspects of life.
But what is unique about BDSM is that if any part of the trust, honesty, openness is missing, the relationship will quickly disintegrate. The effect of any dishonesty or lack of openness or trust would be immediately evident. In any vanilla relationship this can easily be hidden or concealed, allowing the relationship to continue albeit not in as happily or satisfactorily manner.
With Zack I feel completely free. I trust him, I accept him for everything he is - he has no faults, because it all comes together into the completeness that is my soul mate. I never want him to change a single thing. He needs my control, he needs me to free him of the day to day stress he bears making decisions that many rely on, free him of the responsibilities of his life. As much as he wants to please me, to give me what I need, is as much as I want the same for him. He knows that I need to be able to take control as much as he needs to relinquish it.
I am ready - I am ready to take control of Zack - to use him for my pleasure, to wipe his mind free of everything except Me and My needs, to teach him the pleasure of pain, to take him to the wonder of subspace, to free him of his burdens. He needs that as much as I need to do that.
I can honestly say W/we are perfect for each other.
Sent from my BlackBerry

I am Sarah's slut

If you read the post below, you'll know that Zack is a slut for Sarah. It gives me great pleasure to know she loves my cock. I love looking at her when her mouth is full of my cock. I loved how she brazenly took my cock in her mouth in the woods on the weekend. Just thinking about that makes me squirm with desire.

I still don't think Sarah fully realizes how much I want to please her without limits. I loved how she took me in the fuckmobile. She ordered me into the back seat, sternly told me to sit in the right position, and when I pulled off my shorts, my hard cock made what looked like a tent in my underwear.

I love watching her peel off her panties because I know that she's going to fuck me. She fucks me so well. My cock was aching for her, and this time, it was swollen in a way that made it a little more awkward to enter her. But it was well worth it.

I like holding off on an orgasm and let her just use me and take me like her pleasure post. I want Sarah to use me for sex. I'm ready to fuck her again. I need Sarah.

Zack

Sunday, Sunday, So Good To Me...

Zack and I met last Sunday for O/our "walk in the woods". W/we were meeting at the park, and I arrived first. I saw him drive up and as usual, My heart skipped about a million beats, the heat began to spread through My loins and I immediately wanted to fuck him. Which is pretty funny, because today, Zack said "you always turn me on - any theories why I get so aroused thinking about you being sexual?" I get the same feelings, but they are 10 times greater when I see him. It seems crazy sometimes - we have been together for 2 years and the excitement has not only NOT diminished, it has escalated to greater levels for Me. I always try to act so cool, casual and nonchalant when he arrives (I wonder if he notices?), but inside  I am all "a-quiver". On this day he wore shorts, as I had instructed. He has fabulously sexy legs and I wanted to see them. Actually, I wanted to feel them, I wanted to be naked between them! But I contained myself, I kept under control. This day was about de-stressing Zack. But then, he finished me off. He was wearing a great pair of sunglasses. I had never seen him in sunglasses before. His hair is a little longer than usual (I love his hair and I hope he keeps it longer - all the better for tugging on) and he looked quite dashing; actually, he looked incredibly sexy. He laughed and said well, he WAS a minor celebrity. That made Me laugh. He makes My life so happy.

Zack Has a Way of Making Me Crazy...

Some times I wonder: Who is managing this relationship? Mistress or slave?
Earlier I posted about the challenges of not being able to see Zack and having to keep My lust for him pushed way back into the recesses of My mind. I had been pretty successful and then, along comes Zack, with a few well chosen words and the obsession begins anew. He knows how to work Me.

Another Weekend...

 Zack says he gets disorientated when we have not had enough opportunity to spend time together. I have a similar effect - except that the longer I go without being with him the more depressed I get. Lets see if I can explain it.

My past sexual experiences have been far less than satisfactory. Being married to a man who only had fulfilling his own needs in mind, I became very successful at not letting myself become aroused, to simply "turn off" - who wants to be highly aroused, ready for that "head explosion" and then have your partner roll over and go to sleep because he's done? You just don't respond. You lay there, let it happen, and then go to sleep yourself.

There are times lately, when I feel myself going back into that - I think it becomes an automatic response of self preservation.  It has nothing to do with Zack's ability to fulfill my every sexual need - he is amazing at what he does. I have NEVER been left dissatisfied when I have been with him. I don't expect I ever will be.

Being disconnected has its price. When I know I am not able to see Zack, I simply "shut off" the arousal switch. I don't think there is anything worse than being aroused, wanting him so badly and then not being able to make it happen. That has occurred, often is seems, lately (probably not as often as it feels like) - through no fault of his or mine. It is what it is. But as you can tell, the separation takes it's toll on us both. "Switching off" doesn't always work, though. Then Zack gets a very forceful telephone message about my need.

I promised Zack I would write him an erotic blog post today. I'll try, but I hope he understands that I am feeling a little less than sexual these days. I need him to get my groove back.

Yes, I have asked Zack to come with me tomorrow for a hike. He needs that more than anything. He needs to get away from work, from home. Nothing in more invigorating and beneficial that getting out into nature. Nothing, except getting out into nature with me. You see, Zack thinks going for a walk in the woods would be boring.

He doesn't know the surpises I could spring on him. Like being tied to a tree, while I suck on that gorgeous big cock of his. I like taking it way into the back of my throat. I love teasing him this way. Of course, he would not be allowed to cum - that is forbidden. Or, laying the blanket out in a clearing and fucking his face - I could sure use that orgasm right now. I LOVE fucking that perfectly fuckable face of his. Or maybe, he would get one of the new butt plugs shoved in his ass to wear while we walk. He needs that kind of training anyway, maybe tomorrow will be day 1.

Or maybe I will bring his collar and leash, and lead him down the garden path, so to speak. Of course, there will be people around - they will see what a wonderfully obedient slave I have. I could simply park the fuckmobile in the trees and use him in the back seat in every way that comes to mind. Or, maybe I would make him sit in the front seat and listen to me pleasure myself in the backseat - listening and so wishing it was him making me feel sooooo good. No, boring is never what you will experience when you are with me, Zack, darling. You should know better - and perhaps I will bring my crop just to remind you.

Sarah and perfection

I know Sarah likes to be good at everything she does. And she's exceptionally good, outstanding, pretty close to perfect. She's like this at work, with kids, and with her slave.

She demonstrated that this week when I was very rattled at work. I wasn't able to see her, and she accepted this without any rancour. I wish I had her inner strength.

I'm feeling disoriented right now because it's been too long since I've seen Sarah. Things have been too busy at work. When I don't see Sarah for a while, I lose my bearings. I need her firm discipline and Domination to keep me centred.

She wants to walk in the woods tomorrow. I just want her to fuck me and fuse with me and take control and help me escape from all the stress.

I love her crop so much. I ache to see her in her boots. I want her to suck my cock but order me not to cum. I want her to fuck me hard and order me not to cum. I want her to ram my face into her pussy and just feel like she can cum all over me.

I love being Sarah's slave. It's the perfect escape. I miss Sarah more than she knows.

Zack

Making Choices...

It is amazing how a change in environment can change one's perspective. Escaping from the oppression I seem to live under allows me to feel stronger, to BE stronger. Once again I am reminded that when I am not in control I am not happy. I am now back in control and making decisions.
Today I am exploring My options- I am looking for My own place, a place I can call "dungeon", a place where I AM the Mistress, where I control everything that goes on there. I have informed Zack that if he is very good, I may hang his collar by the door - next to My crop and whatever else I have in the discipline dept. It will be exciting to have a home for My toys. It is exciting to anticipate the activities that I may engage in there. Zack has offered up many scenarios and there once was a time when I would have vehemently not entertained any of them.

But Zack is My slave, he belongs to Me and his goal is to meet My needs, satisfy My desires. It is enticing to Me that he throws out ideas and scenarios to consider. It is almost as if he lurks in the deep recesses of My mind, seeking out the fantasies there that I have not yet even dreamed of. I look forward to exploring new pleasures with My slave - he truly is a slut, My slut, and I know he is as eager for the experiences as I am!
First things first, however - setting the stage. The place I am looking at today is very near where Zack lives. I find it exciting to anticipate him being at home or work (which is also near by) and wondering if I am there - and if I am, what I'm doing and with whom? I mean, who says you can only have 1 slave anyway??

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Limbo....

And I don't mean the dance...

It's ironic how "Life" gets in the way of what we want the most. "Life" pushes us along, until we come to a crossroad - then, we have to choose. At least, we are supposed to chose, we should chose if we are moral, ethical, trusted elements in the lives of others.

2 years ago, I met Zack - Life had brought me to a crossroad of sorts. There was a strange twist in that road - it actually didn't go one way or another, there was a third "option" - 2 paths that ran side by side - parallel to each other. Very different paths, but close enough together, with very few obstacles that could prevent me from being on either path on any given day. 2 paths close enough together that I could easily hop from one to the other, with no one the wiser, no one watching.

What I have been unaware of was that someone WAS watching - not sure of what I was doing, but aware that the other path existed, and that perhaps I WAS jumping back and forth. Now, the "watcher" has chosen to reveal themselves, has come forward and demands I chose one path or the other. I suppose it all was just a matter of time.

Now, I am expected to behave in a manner that those who live on the oldest path want & expect. Now, crossing from 1 path to the other is more of a challenge. The situation is not insurmountable - I can make a choice. I can leave the path where Zack is and continue on the old path. (although, leaving Zack is certainly not much of an option) I can create another path, my own path, that runs along side Zack's - a path I can stray off of whenever I want without anyone watching, scrutinizing me.  Or I can find a new path, separate yet again from the others. I can chose a path where I am alone. The choices are many. The choices now seem impossible. I'm afraid none will lead to my happiness.

I am worried about Zack. He is travelling the same parallel paths - one with me and the other with his day to day life. He is very cautious, but is he cautious enough?  Is anyone watching him as well? I don't believe that is a risk I want to take, or one he should take - I would give my life to protect his. I haven't been able to talk to him about this. I don't know how he is feeling right now. All I know is I worry about him constantly for many reasons. I can not put his well-being at risk. I would die first.

I love you Zack.
Out of everything we have been through,  everything we have experienced, that is the most important thing I can tell you. To me, nothing else matters.

In Answer to Zack's Questions...

Zack asked several questions last Wednesday. Zack asks lots of questions - he keeps Me on my toes!

Zack asks:

Does Sarah get off sexually at the thought of two men together?

In reality, this isn't something I have contemplated. At one point in My life, the answer would have been yes. I don't think now it would be the fact that it was 2 men that I would "get off on" (how totally eloquent, Zack!) - I believe that what turns Me on is the passion between 2 people - and this isn't anything you see in porn videos - they are so fake, so totally asexual from my perspective. Just plain fucking - without any substance behind it - if that makes any sense.

Does she ever watch gay male porn and masturbate to it?
See above - I have watched gay porn, and yes, early on, it did turn me on enough to masturbate - but the fakeness of it all does nothing for me now. I rarely watch any porn anymore. I am curious about watching 2 people fucking, though.. but the real thing - lust, passion, urgency - not the fake shit.

Does she want to see a man suck my big hard cock?
I'm pretty sure that your big hard cock is going to be owned solely by Me. I am a very possessive woman - I doubt I will ever want to share the taste of you with anyone else. But, I have learned to "never say never" so, who knows???? I think, though, I want to be the ONLY one turning you on - and i could be wrong, but having your cock sucked - by anyone - would have to be a "turn on". Again, I am far too possessive.

Would she enjoy watching this as she fucks my face?
What I enjoy watching when I fuck your gorgeous face is your gorgeous face.
 
At the end of the day, I am not sure I will ever share you with anyone. My property is MY property. I never learned to share as a child, I doubt I will be very good at sharing as a Mistress.
 
W/we'll see...

The End of a VERY Long Week...

Zack asks a lot of questions. He has a lot of things going on in his head, and seems to need to know everything that is going on in Mine as well, even before I do.

When I read his latest blog post (his assignment which was due today), I wrote him with a simple "WOW!" I think he thought it was the content that got me fired up. It was, in a way, but what fired me up was that he was pulling out stuff he has hidden away for a long time. I think this is monumental. Zack is an amazing man - extremely intelligent, very talented, more sensitive to people's plights or feelings than anyone I have ever met. He gives everything he can give to everyone without a single though to himself - and regardless of what the impact might be on him.

We are alike in many ways and one of them is an intense sense of insecurity. Through my association with Zack, my love, my experiences for and with him, I am learning to believe in Myself, to believe in my own talents, and my strength. He has become my rock, when I need him to lean on, I can count on him to be there. I can not begin to thank him enough for that, and for saving Me.

I owe it to him to try to do the same for him. He needs to believe in himself, he needs to learn to love himself, he needs to know that he is good, pure, kind. I want him to love himself as much as I love him. I am confident I can help him do this. I am no shrink, but I do believe that if we love ourselves, we can handle anything that comes at us. It isn't easy, especially for people like Zack and I. What is so great about U/us is that W/we know W/we can count on the other to boost U/us up when W/we need it. I needed that this week. I was definitely not in My comfort zone, I was not in control of what was happening to, and around, Me. I needed My slave, My slut, My whore (he loves it when I call him that! <vbg>) - I needed MY Zack - and he was there. He has no idea how much that meant to Me, but I will make sure he knows soon.

Zack's response to my assignment was better than he knows. What he doesn't know is that I am going to demand more of that - going into the deep recesses of his mind and pulling out the "monsters" he has hidden there. We all have them, I have them as well. Mine lie not far beneath the surface - I can sense them lurking there, like sea monsters swimming around in the black deep water - looking for the chance to consume Me, and everyone around Me. I am not at a point where I can fish them out and expose them to the light. I don't have enough confidence in Myself or My relationships to do that. I can not trust anyone with them yet. Perhaps I never will, but I know that if I ever do, it will be Zack who will be there for me. He already knows the "smaller" ones - it's those huge, all consuming monsters with the big teeth that will take some time to extricate - if they ever can be. We'll see.

But my focus is Zack. I believe he is in the same spot as I am. Still not quite sure what he wants to share, what he can trust me with. His first assignment was beautifully completed.

What I was looking for was for him to tell me how he felt about what I proposed to do with him at some point in our M/s Relationship. What he gave me was not only a complete outpouring of loyalty and submission to Me, but he admitted to and brought out thoughts in his subconscious that he had buried a long time ago, thoughts that shamed him. In doing that he laid himself over to me - he opened himself up to either being eviscerated by the vicious cougar as he showed his perceived " weaknesses" or to a loving, compassionate, protective Mother who would always want and keep him safe, loved and accepted no matter what. He got - and always will get - Mother.

Zack, it wasn't the content that moved Me, that caused that "WOW" reaction.  It was your pure, child-like adoration, genuine love and trust that you gave Me in your response. I accept your gift and will always protect it and hold it close to My heart.

I love you, Zack, I love you with the very core of My existence. NOTHING is ever going to change that, or take that from us. NOTHING. I promise you this with everything that is in me.


(Enough of the sugar and mush- My next posts will get down to what Mistress is planning for Her very obedience slave whore - stay tuned!)