Another Day...

I am still feeling out of sorts. Let's face it, I need my slave. Life events right now are taking on their own persona - I am simply not in control. In addition to everything else, I also have a diagnosed case of SAD = Seasonal Affective Disorder. February has always been a bad month for me, and this year, I think, is going to be even worse. Worse, because I will be out of town for 2 of the 4 weeks. Out of town and away from Zack.

Zack helps me gain perspective. He allows me to re-gain that sense of control. He evens me out. He simply makes me feel good. I need to dominate - and he is the one I want for that. It is tough to concentrate. Let's face it, I'm a mess. Unless something changes soon, I am going to lose it on someone. If it can't be Zack, then I pity the sucker that steps in the way next week.

As Zack puts it sometimes, I am off kilter. I don't like the feeling one damned bit. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams.

And It Goes From Bad to Worse...

Today we had a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but a major disagreement. And it is tearing me up inside.
I got home last night from my business trip. I was staying at the apartment. When I got there, and as I suspected, nothing had changed since I left there the week previous - the carpets weren't shampooed, the table wasn't assembled etc etc. I wasn't upset about it because, as I posted, I didn't expect it to be. I knew Zack was busy, even if he didn't. But neither had the landlord come and fix the things needed repair - broken light over the sink, shower on the fritz, the sink still leaking. After the week I had, THAT really pissed me off - I pay rent for a functioning apartment. I had sent Zack an email, so he knew I was home. He responded asking if he could stop by; of course!! I needed to see him. I needed to get grounded and that is what he does for me. I am not often "needy" but I was last night.

I knew things weren't going to go well the instant he came through the door. The energy in the apartment was suddenly very dark - even though Zack seemed glad to see me. He actually said he had been depressed the entire time I was away. But his words just didn't match his actions - something was off.

I needed his arms around me, all I needed was to be held. I went to him and he backed off. He said he was afraid of getting any hint of fragrance on his clothes because he was afraid his wife would pick it up. Ok, valid, even though I never wear any fragrance when there is a possibility of seeing him. I asked him to take his coat off - he stripped down to his T shirt. I went into his arms - but I didn't feel "welcome" there. I went back to putting the table together. I could feel my agitation building - I credited it to the tough week I had. We talked for a bit - both venting our frustrations - but it was like casual acquaintances venting about work.

He had to go. I walked him to the door, we kissed good bye - a brief glancing kiss that barely made contact. and he was gone. And I stood there, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn't know why, and I didn't understand what had just happened. And I had a very sleepless night as a result.

And so did Zack. He sent me a very long email at 4 am. He is having problems with adjusting to this whole idea of the apartment. He has been distressed about the cost of the furniture - he is not ok with such extravagance - like a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a TV. He also felt he needed to pay for some of it.

As I said in an early blog post, I have a huge problem with taking money, or gifts, from anyone. I have big hang ups about it. I was taught not to take things from people that I hadn't earned. In my marriage I have always been responsible for anything I decided I was going to do/purchase. I always knew my husband was not going to ever be supportive or of assistance - even when WE decided to buy a home. it was something I wanted, so I would be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, upkeep. That is how my life has been.

I decided to get this apartment, I decided on the furniture. I did not expect anyone to assume any kind of responsibility for any part of it. I am prepared to take care of it. It's my decision and therefore my responsibility. And it upsets me knowing that now, as a result of MY decisions, Zack is feeling financially responsible for something he didn't want. I don't want him feeling that. He is stressed enough by other demands he doesn't want being heaped on him. and this is what was on his mind when he stopped by last night. He may not have even been aware of it, I certainly didn't know it, but it was there, nonetheless.

I won't go into all the details, but the day was very unpleasant. Zack now wants time to re-group his thoughts and work through this - himself. He doesn't want me involved. At the end of it all, I understood that he wanted to help with the apartment. Yes, he was surprised at the costs, but wanted to help me regardless. That is a new experience for me. Trust me, when I say we are both a little fucked up, I mean it. I apologised for my responses to his helping and I thanked him. But I never got to see him today. I still need his arms around me, I still need his comforting, his grounding. And I have no idea when I am going to experience that. I am going into a couple of very stressful weeks, and I simply need him. But he needs space. I get that. I respect his need. Whatever he wants, he will get.

But I am not very happy right now...

Lonely...

Zack and I are in a part time relationship. It works for us, it has to, as there are no other options. I love the apartment, because even if I can't be with Zack, or see him, I am close to him when I am there. It's comforting. I can't be there all the time, but when I am, it's awesome.
But this week I am out of town. I gave Zack orders to make sure he gets his work done, because I want to play when I get back. I am pretty sure he is doing what I said, because i haven't heard from him today :-(. It's bedtime, I have a full day tomorrow and thursday, and I miss him. I miss him terribly.

It's lonely here in this hotel room alone - without my slave, my boy toy, my obedient slut. I can't wait to get back Thursday evening - I am heading straight to the apartment. I wonder if he has been able to get any of the chores I gave him to do there done. He assured me he would, but I have my doubts. If he doesn't get it done, I am going to be really pissed - but not for the reasons Zack would think. I would be pissed because that is what Zack does - if an effort to please, he will commit to things that may not be possible for him to accomplish. and if he doesn't get them done, after making the commitment that he will, he feels incredible guilt. He is so lost in pleasing everyone, that he doesn't know how to recognize his own limitations. I asked him several times if he would have time to get the apartment stuff done (finish building the furniture, clean it, shampoo carpets) because I really don't think he will have time - and that's fine. what I want more than him being compliant is for him to be realistic. I guess we will see.

I love him, so very very much. He is my life.

And We Just Keep Moving Forward...

The furniture arrived yesterday. Zack had been giving me a bit of grief about how much I spent on the furniture. He has been forced to live in an apartment without any furniture except a mattress on the floor and a chair for the past year, and as such has become sort of a "minimalist" - albeit enforced. I told him that if I am going to spend any time there I need certain things. I had just spent 5 days there sleeping on pillows on the floor. That was more than enough for me. Much more than enough.

The delivery men (and they were definitely cute!!) brought the TV in first. A 40" HD LCD. I thought Zack was going to faint. "what do you need THAT for???" I told him it was the same as the one I had in my bedroom at home, so get over it. (he was getting very sassy and it was starting to irritate me). Then came the TV stand. Then the bed. The glorious bed. The centerpiece of the entire place. The play-pen. The delivery guy put it together. They brought in the dresser and the nightstand. Zack stood there with a completely confused look on his face. "I hope you got a good deal with the purchase of all this". I told him it was a very good deal - half price (including taxes) and he was looking at $6000 worth. Lol. He tried very hard not to have a stroke. I have no idea why it's a big deal to him.   HE ISNT PAYING FOR IT.

We got left with assembling the kitchen table and chairs, so I put Zack to work. I made the bed. After 1 chair was assembled, I called him to come and try the bed out. I'm sure you know what came next. By the time I was done with him a couple of hours later, he was very happy his wise Mistress bought such a great bed. He said he beleived he would get ot like it so much that he would never leave. I told him that was my plan.

It was a great afternoon: building furniture, fucking, eating- I make him some scrambled eggs and toast (he has to keep up his strength ). I am going out of town next week, so I left him with a list of chores: Assemble the rest of the furniture, wash the dust off of it all, shampoo the carpets (they never did get done) and whatever else he can find to do. it has to be done by the time i get back there on Thursday evening.

His discipline is on hold until I get everything set there. Once it's complete.. well, let the games begin!!

Zack's been a bad boy...

Well, not really. Just sort of. He sent me an email on Tues asking if he could come over "even if its just to do the dishes". I know him, though. He's such a slut, a whore and will sell himself out to me for any chance of being fucked. I decided all he was going to do was the dishes.

When he arrived, I ordered him to strip and get busy in the kitchen. This was a first for me - I've never had a house-maid before. I think I might have to get him a french maid's apron; how cute would that be with his cock tenting it out because of his raging hard on. Because when I went into the kitchen, there he was- naked, washing dishes with a huge erection. I couldn't resist.

I went over and started kissing him and stroking his cock. All he could do is say "I like this.." In a very dreamy voice, over and over with a glazed over look. I left and went into the bedroom.

When he was done in the kitchen, I ordered him to the bedroom and to lay down on the bed. I had decided I WAS going to fuck him after all, but told him he had better not come or he was going to "get it", he would be in significant trouble.

And then I fucked him. I mean I held him down and FUCKED him. And it was during this that my devilish plan was born. You see, Zack is very good at holding off. He is actually a very obedient slave. So much so that I'm not getting the fun of punishment. So, I decided that I had to push him- push him, push him so hard he would have to fail. I am such a bitch! Lol

Poor guy, he really tried. I have to give him credit, he was almost successful, I almost came before he did. I was feeling very aggressive and very possessive and I let him know it. I had him by the hair and whispered the words that he simply can not resist. When I call him my fucking slut, my whore, that I own his body and I will use him like the piece of meat he is, when I have him by the hair and his head pulled back while I growl these words in his ear- well, he's a goner.

And he went over the edge. I think he actually tried to hide it, by pulling me closer to him. But he knew that he couldn't get anything passed me, as he whispered "I am in so much trouble".

I laughed - and told him he most certainly was. I can't wait! My furniture arrived today. When I get everything set up - the new "dungeon" will be in full swing and Zack will be a very willing recipient- because he truly is a total whore and will do anything, endure everything I deliver for the change of getting fucked.

He is so transparent.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Reflections...

It feels so good to be here and to be here (at this point in my life) with Zack is a bonus. He fulfills my every need - even my need to be a bitch at times.

I can almost see him quiver with anticipation when that is how I am on any given day. Where others always head for the hills when the bitch shows up, Zack gets excited. It feels good to know I can be myself with him. I will confess, there are still those moments when I get insecure and worry that if I am a bitch or if I have to discipline him, he will leave me. I constantly try to get past that. Once the apartment is set up, Zack's training will begin again in earnest. Watch this site for the details.

His training will include a wide range of activities. Zack has ADD. I do as well but not to the extent he does. I want to train him to focus. Oh, I know he won't be perfect, no one is, but Zack tends to use his ADD as an excuse. We are going to work on that. Training is also going to include new ways I will use him, use his body, to dominate and control him. He knows what's coming - I want to dominate him ultimately and that include fucking his ass. There will be no better way to demonstrate my total ownership of his body; the idea of this excites me greatly. I think when I reach this level of control there will be nothing greater. I will have accomplished what we both want and need.

I know this causes Zack some anxiety, this is very much uncharted territory for us both. But his comfort and safety is first and foremost in my mind. I hope he can trust me when I say I promise pleasure like he has never experienced before. And in doing that for him will bring me immense pleasure as well.

We have come too far, *I* have come too far to be happy without a slave, without submission- I want that submissive to be Zack. I want my sexual slave to be Zack so it is important to me not to fuck this up.

It feels very good to have this apartment. It is a lot closer to Zack than my other home. I feel much more content just being in closer proximity to Zack. It doesn't necessarily mean we will be able to spend more time together (although I hope we will) it just feels good having a place for us, a "dungeon" for us and to know he is near.

I am going to be more demanding. I am going to be more disciplined myself. I am going to be more structured. And both of us are going to be so much happier for it.

What's the expression? "A future so bright I gotta wear shades".
That's us.
Sent from my BlackBerry

Sarah is an incredible woman

My cock is hard for Sarah again, but I can't visit her. She has instructed me to stay away this afternoon, so I am trying to work. But I'm obsessing again.

I felt so good in the apartment on Friday. Sarah was angry at me and as I read the post below, I now know that I will be disciplined for being slow to return. I will accept that.

Sarah doesn't realize how good she looked upon my return. Even though she was pissed at me, I was so happy to see her, especially when she's in her Dominatrix attire. I feel like I've come home at those times.

She's an incredible woman. And when she fucks me as an Alpha Bitch, I'm in the best place I could ever be. I feel good about myself when I am very successful with orgasm control with her. She deserves a hard cock anytime she wants it—and it's my job to supply this on demand, if this is what she desires.

I'm not going to be very successful if I'm so busy coming for my own pleasure. This is about Sarah's pleasure. My pleasure comes from seeing her take charge.

She fucked my face so perfectly on Friday. My tongue was a little sore at night. That's a sign that she has done everything perfectly.

I love Sarah so much.

Zack
xoxox

Well, Well, Well...

It was a very interesting day indeed! I started out by buying "stuff" for the apartment. The furniture won't be delivered until next Friday, but I wanted to get the rest of the place set up. I told Zack I would be there around 10 if he were able to come over - I wanted to show him the place, give him his keys, but I assured him there was NOT going to be any play - not until I have everything set up.

I got a lot of stuff done, and waited until 12:30 - Zack hadn't showed up yet, so I went to a nearby coffee shop for coffee and to work on my laptop. As these things usually go, I no sooner sat down with coffee and got the laptop turned on when he called - he was at the apartment, and where was I? (I was a block away). I told him I would be right there. Mr. Anxious couldn't wait for me there, he came to meet me.   :-)

We got into the apartment and I showed him around - all 2 rooms of it. It was the first time he had seen it and he was quite pleased. We sat on the floor and talked, made out, but like I said - no play. Besides he had an appointment at 2. He said the appointment would be brief and he would be right back. I told him to hurry, because I had a surprise for him. My resolve had weakened and I did want to play after all. It's what happens when I am around Zack. I know, I'm weak.

I had my play stuff there, so I changed into my "Mistress Persona" and was ready for him. He had a key so he could let himself in. I was ready for him - sitting on the counter, flogger in hand. I waited.

And I waited. 3:30 came and went. By 3:45 I was pissed. I put the chain on the door. There was no way he was going to just saunter on in. I was going to give him until 4 pm, at which time I was changing and leaving. Fuck him and he was going to pay for this. At 3:58 he opened the door.

Of course, he couldn't get in, because of the chain. I could tell by his voice that this confused him. I told him to wait a minute and went to open the door. What he saw when he came through the door was his Mistress and she was not happy - and I told him so. I went back into the kitchen. His confusion continued. I am sure he had no idea why I was pissed. Typical thoughtless, stupid man. He asked what he could do to make it better. I told him to get his fucking clothes off and get into position in front of me. He was very prompt. Once he was on his knees, he asked if he could explain. I told him no. I also told him that one thing that was going to change immediately was that I no longer wanted to hear all his fucking excuses when he messed up. What I wanted was for him to apologise and take responsibility it. That and to take the discipline that would result like a man. He apologised. We'll have to see how he takes the discipline.

Now one thing I do know is that you never discipline or punish when you are angry. I'm pretty sure if I had started using the flogger it would have made me feel better, but it would not have been good for Zack. And I want never to betray his trust in me that way. Instead, I sent him into the other room.

When I got in there, he was in position, on his knees, waiting for me. I won't go into the step by step, but what I finally did was fuck him - but it wasn't truly sexual. He was ordered not to cum. And I fucked him like an Alpha Bitch - with the intent of him understanding who was in charge, who was in control. I think he got the picture.

He didn't get disciplined today. But he will. One thing I am beginning to realise is that I HAVE been soft on him. I don't regret that, I think it has been necessary for us both to work through situations and develop an unconditional trust. But now he needs discipline. I think he understands that I want him to be the very best slave he can be, and in doing so, he will become a better man in all aspects of his life as well. I wholeheartedly believe that. I love him and I want him to be the very best he can be. He is worth it, he is worthy of my love and he is worthy of my direction. I have been challenged in this part of our M/s relationship - I am not a sadist, it doesn't bring me pleasure to cause pain. But just as a mother disciplines her child, discipline borne out of love and a desire for the child to be successful and happy, so must a Mistress discipline her sub, her slave.

What Zack doesn't know (but will once he reads this) is that once the apartment is ready, he will be disciplined on a regular basis. The discipline is not punishment - being subservient requires a person to be disciplined in their actions, in their lives. Zack is most definitely not disciplined. Just as athletes make sacrifices to be the best, living very disciplined lives, so must those who serve Mistresses and Masters. Being the best doesn't come easily, nor does it come without some level of discomfort and suffering. The discipline will remind Zack that he must try harder. What Zack also needs to know and understand is that I will discipline with great love. Because he is my great love. I do not take this effort or make this commitment to anyone else. I will no longer let his lapses slide. I will no longer accept his excuses or his blaming a million events or others for his faltering.  And he will falter - I know that. But I know he will do his best, and that with each error he will try harder to be better. He believes he can be the best slave I could have. I guess time will tell.

I love you Zack. I want you to be the very best you can be. I want you to be as happy as I can possibly make you. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Decisions, Disappointments, Anticipation, Excitement...

I have taken possession of "our apartment" - I like the sound of that, a lot.

It actually wasn't an easy decision to make when it came down to it. I had a bit of a meltdown a few days ago, but I was fortunate enough to have been able to connect with Zack and talk it out. Its crazy how centered and grounded I become when we connect. He is very good for me. We are both looking forward to the opportunities in store for us here. Of course, I think we will still need to play in the fuckmobile once in awhile - you know, just for old times sake. :-)

But just so you know, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are things that disappoint me. This blog is one of them. Regardless of what I want (and Zack knows what that is) he doesn't get here or add to it as much as I would like. After we have spend a particularly intense session playing, for example, I will instruct him to add his thoughts and reflections about here. That rarely happens. I'm giving up on that. What will be will be, I guess. Some things i will never have control over.

All in all, however, the future - our future - looks bright. It remains fragile, and I will never take that for granted, but I feel good. I feel so very good.

Up, Down and All Around...

I'm excited about having a place to spend time with Zack - a place we can call "ours", a place I can have my stuff "to hang my hat" so to speak. But my emotions have been all over the map since I got the call about the apartment on Saturday. What I realized was that I needed Zack - I needed his submission, I needed his presence. Only then would I be able to think clearly and work through this in my mind.

I wasn't sure he would get my messages about getting together today sometime, but I hoped - so I tried. Zack likes it when he knows I have been "stalking" him, so that is what I did today, in hopes of seeing him. I cruised his apartment building, and then went to a local coffee shop to "lay in wait". I wasn't completely sure, but I figured that if he got my message of where I was, he would be there.

And what a good boy he is!!! Although he didn't have a lot of time, he was able to meet me for a bit.
seeing him, having the opportunity to discuss this with him, to have him challenge me about it (is this the right time?) was enough for me to sort it out in my mind. I feel much better now. MUCH better.

And I can't wait to get that gorgeous new bed I bought in there - I can't wait to get Zack tied to it, I can't wait to resume his "training" - here's an interesting bit of news.. the sales person suggested I buy one of their mattress covers.. it's fleece covered, but completely water proof. I said "Oh, so I could pee the bed and the mattress would be protected?" "Yep!" was her reply. Now if you have read any of our blog, and you understand Zack, you will know EXACTLY what I was talking about!!! LOL. Did I buy it?? You're damned right I did!!

When I get the stuff moved in, I'll take pictures and post them here.. you might even see one of Zack's ass with "Sarah's Slut" written across it in lipstick..
Good times ahead!

Good news!!

Well, it's confirmed - I have been approved for the new apartment that will become my "dungeon" of sorts. I assume occupancy on Jan. 15/12.

This is not only turning a page, but the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. The road ahead will not be smooth - but if I have Zack with me, I'll be ok.

50 Reasons Why a Slave Should Serve...

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The Ups and the Downs...

It's no one's fault.. it simply is what it is (note: I understand this is one of the phrases to be eliminated from our speech this year - not mine, it says it like it is!)

Our situation and our relationship is so far from ideal - for both of us. All we can do is make the best of it. Zack is trying so hard to work "us" into his life - last week was amazing! We have spent some incredibly amazing time together - quality time that has enhanced and deepened our relationship. Things are so wonderful, with the potential of getting better, So why do I feel so down right now?

It's because I am one very greedy girl, I always have been. I am never satisfied with the status quo. I think this character "flaw" worries Zack. I think he is afraid that I will get to a point where I won't be satisfied with him, that I will become bored with him, that our relationship will not satisfy me. He doesn't  have a thing to worry about. We have just begun our journey together - we have so much to explore, so many things to try - some we will love, some we won't, but there is a lot of "living" we have missed out on and need to make up for. I want to do that with Zack.

It isn't simply his servitude that makes me want him, it isn't his gorgoeus cock (although, I will confess - that IS a big draw ), it is the man he is. I don't think he understands that. I'm not sure I understand that. I have always be hyper-critical of people. I have always been able to pick out their flaws, their weaknesses. So, why is it so different with Zack? Because I know he has flaws, he has weaknesses, and there are things about him that drive me crazy some times. But at the end of it all (and I have told him this) I do not want him to change anything. I love his weaknesses, his flaws, his vulnerabilities. Every one of them come together to make him the man I so dearly love. If he changed anything would I love him less? I highly doubt it, and any change isn't necessary anyway, because there isn't anything he could do that would make me love him more than I do right now.

No, my problem right now is that I can't get enough of him. I should be satisfied with our morning together a week ago, having coffee before work the other morning, the afternoon with him and then the time we got to spend together the following morning. Yes, I have had more time with Zack recently than ever before. And yet, I miss him so much.

I went to see an apartment last week. I am praying my application will be approved. I want this apartment so badly. It would allow us to see each other often, I would be able to hang my toys somewhere, we could have our very own "playpen" to enjoy each other in. Our own little dungeon.

But the decision to take this apartment has brought it's own trepidations, it's own level of anxiety for me. It's a huge commitment, absolutely. But it is also the first step away from my marriage - the first REAL step. My counsellor is rooting for me - he is very encouraging for me to do this. But no matter how I feel about my marriage and my husband this is not easy. As much as I love Zack and want to be with him or near him - this step is definitely NOT easy. No matter the reasons, I will be walking away from something I have invested almost my entire life into. Again, it is what it is, but it isn't easy. Zack needs to understand that. He needs to understand that as much as  I want to do this, I feel a huge loss as a result. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Loving Zack is not a mistake, Zack is my life, my destiny. But if I do this, and Zack comes to a point where he can't continue with me - then I am lost. Forever. That scares the crap out of me.

I know we can never know the future or what it will bring. Sometimes is is hard to step out on that ledge and take that leap of faith. I just hope Zack is always there to catch me.

Sarah's absence

I'm missing Sarah right now. I haven't seen her since Thursday. We had an incredible time together, and I know things will get even better this year.

But at the moment, she's not around and it's leaving me feeling a bit lonesome. I hope I can spend some time with her this week.

Zack

Go Figure...

I am never satisfied.. the more I get the more I want...
I wonder how I am supposed to deal with that??

An Then Things Can Get Soooo Much Better....

Zack joined me for coffee before work this morning. I had told him where I was going to be, but to be truthful, I didn't give a damn if he showed up or not - I was still in such a bitchy mood, everything, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE was totally pissing me off.

But, he did come. He is sick, yet he still came. It took a little while, but he was successful in taking the edge off and by the time we parted, I was definitely feeling better. I was feeling more in control. He has that effect on me.

Later in that afternoon, I checked into the hotel. He said he was going to come by about 3:30. I got there early, and called him a work and left a message; by 4 PM, I hadn't heard from him. Figures. But a few minutes later he called and asked if he was welcome to come up. Of course he was!

Suffice it to say, the rest of the day went very well as I proceeded to fuck Zack's brains out. I was able to work out my aggression and bitchiness from the morning and the day before. While I was working it out on Zack, we figured out why I was so pissed at what had happened. I wasn't pissed at Zack, I was pissed at having someone else controlling MY slave. Someone was using MY slave without my permission.

As I was on top of Zack, with his cock deep in side of me I told him what I would have done  to his boss if I could - I  told him I would have gone over to his office, slapped the shit out of his boss, then grab him by the hair and drag his sorry ass out of there, letting his "Ex-boss" know that Zack was MY slave and no one gets him unless I give them permission. I would never let him go back.
At that point, I experienced one killer of an orgasm- it totally caught me off guard, but it was pretty clear it was a direct result of my declaration of ownership of Zack and my Domination. This was a BIG deal.

We spend more time together, but the time came when we both had to leave. I had an appointment to look at an apartment for rent and he had to pick up his wife. The topper of the day. however, was that the apartment was great, and as far as  I am concerned, it's MINE. Better yet, it is a block from Zack's work - so now, instead of ordering his ass to the fuckmobile, I'll be ordering his ass to my dungeon..
I am soooo excited!

Yes, Sir - the day ended very well indeed!

Sometimes Shit Happens...

And today is one of those times. Right now I am SO pissed, SO frustrated! Although Zack thinks its because of something he has done, that he has failed me somehow,he's wrong.

Its his fucking employer that has me in such a state; this is one of those instance where, if I were a man, I'd punch a wall. I may anyway.

Tuesdays are Zack's busiest day (usually) because of deadlines. His bosses are arrogant assholes who are not only bullies, but don't have a fucking clue how their business is run. They don't care if Zack works 24/7 (which he does) as long as their deadlines are met. He does a lot of work for free and in essence is carrying the company on his back. He doesn't take vacations because it just makes life MORE stressful.

So, his idiot boss has enforced vacation time on him. Today (a fucking Tuesday) is supposed to be one of those days. So, Zack did what Zack does: worked all night trying to get the work done that needed to be done on Tuesday. So, he worked all night and is STILL working at 3 pm today. They call this a vacation??? There isn't a doubt in my mind that the jerk will also take today's pay out of Zack's vacation bank.

Zack thinks I'm mad at him because I wanted to see him today and now I'm not going to. I'm not mad at him. I just get so pissed when people are mistreated. And this is MY slave being mistreated.

FUCK!! Where's that wall??
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I'm going deeper

Sarah is pulling me deeper into her world—and I like it.

She has such a surprising imagination. She will suggest things that sound absolutely outrageous, but I'm so drawn to doing them because of my deep desire to please.

She told me today that she's thinking about peeing on me again. Two years ago, I would have said I would be the last person to ever engage in this type of activity. Now, because it's Sarah who's saying this, I'm compelled and turned on by the possibility.

It's too bad that anyone reading this blog can't see Sarah, at least not yet. She's incredibly attractive, especially when she dresses in her leathers but also when she wears her normal work clothes.

For a long time, she had the habit of not wearing underwear when she knew she was going to see me. Sarah is so enchanting and, if you met her, you would realize that she's also funny. She has a great, great sense of humour.

I'm such a lucky slave.

Zack

My New Year's Resolution...

2012 is going to be a year like no other! I have been awake for the past hour thinking only of Zack and the future. I am finally "getting it", Zack.  And I think you are as well. I think we are coming to a new understanding - of ourselves and of each other - an understanding of the needs and desires we have to be complete.


We have said this so often - it brings each of us great pleasure to please the other. I am learning that your servitude brings you great pleasure - the more you are able to serve, the happier you are. My goal is strictly your happiness - you have gone too far in your life without it - and when I am able to deliver happiness upon you, it pleases me very very much. But there is more to it than just pleasing each other. For the first 2 years of our relationship we tried that. We worked hard at it, but from our limited, vanilla perspectives.We did not know what we wanted/needed ourselves, how could we possibly satisfy the other? Not understanding ourselves and each other brought us both great unhappiness at times.


How utterly grateful I am to that interview (about Domme women) and the conversations that have ensued. It was like a grand door opening for us both to walk through. I wish we were able to share our individual journeys  and our personal enlightenment with others. Perhaps we could help other lost souls realize their potential. Perhaps we could enlighten the world to the power, the commitment, the honesty and the sheer love an M/s relationship requires, that it isn't about pain, power over, humiliation or even ownership. It is about being honest with yourself and each other about your own needs and desires, about putting your partner before all else, about being so committed to the happiness of the other that you will do whatever it takes to accomplish that. It is about accepting the other completely without conditions, or without judgment. And it is about pure and honest love.


It is amazing how quickly a life can turn around. I am so grateful to the events put into place so many years ago that brought me directly to you, Zack. Looking back, it reminds me that our fates are sealed - our paths are destined and my destiny has always been you. I often bemoan the fact that we didn't meet sooner, but if we had, we would not have been the same people, I don't think we would have been ready for this and we would have missed our "NOW" entirely. What a tragedy that would have been.


So, here is my New Year's Resolution:
I resolve to be honest with myself, to recognize that the person I am is deserving of you and all you have to offer. I resolve to a commitment of helping you grow, of nurturing the wonderful man that you are, to helping you reach the great potential I see within you. I resolve to not hold back from you and in doing so, giving you what you want and need to be the happiest you can be as well. I resolve a commitment to your safety and well-being, to not only listening to you but to hear you as well, and to also hear what you are not saying.
And above all, I resolve to loving you with all the desire and passion that is in me.


Without you, I am nothing. We are Yin & Yang, Ego & Alter-Ego, Light & Dark, Balance & Counter-Balance. Purely 2 sides of the same coin. There can be nothing greater than this.


I Love You.

Mistress gets better every day

I had a perfect day with Mistress yesterday. I was finally able to buy her some leather, which I've wanted to do for quite some time. I loved how she collared me in the store. She is my true love.

Sarah is revealing more about her desires and this is really turning me on. For the first time, she talked about Total Power Exchange. I'm a slut, and I had never heard this phrase before.

I must admit that it's extremely enticing, mainly because I know it would make Sarah happy and because she is totally trustworthy. Sarah is not abusive. She gives me what I need and I try to give her what she needs.

I wouldn't consider TPE with anyone but Sarah. She has a very nurturing side in addition to a very Dominant side. She's adorable and powerful. Quite simply, she's the very best Mistress I could ever have.

I especially love it when she pees on me because I love the sensation of her warm urine on my skin. She has only done this twice. These events have a profound effect. It's intimate, but there's also some shame for me at a certain level, which I need to feel periodically as a true submissive. It's very hard to put into words. I don't know why humiliation has some appeal -- not always, but sometimes. I think Sarah would like to give me more of this, but she holds back sometimes because she has so much love in her heart.

Over time, I think she will become more accustomed to forcing me to be a total slut and engaging in this type of behaviour a little more often.

I loved going out to a restaurant with her, and having her tell the waitress what I'll have. I could get very used to her being Bossy in this way much more often.

I love Sarah very much.

Zack