More Inner Workings of Zack...

"When I was much younger, I was living in another city for about nine months. I couldn't understand why I had submissive fantasies. I went to a porn store and bought a magazine with women in leather, holding whips, and basically looking like Dominant Bitches. I was 23. It was my first exposure to this type of sexuality. I was very naive. But I knew that I liked it.

I lived in a house with five other guys. I would sit in my room and stare at the photos in this magazine and masturbate. It was like going into subspace. This was my first exposure to this form of sexuality."

"Here's a fantasy I've had that I've never told anyone...and I've never acted on it.

I've wondered what it would be like to have a pretty Asian cross dresser, very feminine, made up as a full woman and looking like a woman, sucking my cock.

If you, as my Mistress, were to force a man to suck my cock, I might prefer if this man is Chinese or Japanese because those guys are always more feminine"

Oh, Zack - you have no idea what pleasures lie in store for you..

Mistress Sarah

Zack and his Fantasies...

"I' want to be your whore badly.
I think you really understand me and understand what I need.
I'm going to share something with you....I know I'm mostly hetero, but I also believe that sexual orientation is a continuum.
Since we've become more open to the M/s lifestyle, I have wondered, at times, what it might be like if you forced me to watch you with another guy and you told the guy that I was your slut. I got a jolt when you mentioned forcing me to take a thick black cock in my mouth. I don't want to be manipulative; I just want to be honest.
If you want a guy to suck my cock, I find it more appealing if he would be Asian. But if you want to force me to be your cocksucking slut, I think I would go deeper into subspace if it was with a black guy that you found attractive. Or a white guy you found attractive.
These are just fantasies. But I have a feeling that if you guided and Dominated me through this process, I would enjoy it very much"

Checking In...

Zack has been slow with the fantasies. He has sent me a few, but they aren't exactly what I am looking for, not yet anyway. I think it is difficult for him to reveal himself like this, even to Me. But he'll get there, every day he is getting there.
He had a difficult weekend, and although he didn't share every disaster with me, it was enough to upset me, to make my heart ache for him - nothing too serious - the usual kind of stuff that makes us all crazy - tons of laundry, a funeral of a very dear friend, backed up plumbing etc etc. You know how it is. What makes me so crazy is that I know there is a far better life, a far happier life, out there.. just waiting for us. I want so much to pick him up one day and say "let's just go, let's just put the car in drive and go" Fuck the obligations. Fuck all the complications that are sucking us both dry.
Here is my fantasy - nothing you can get off on, but my fantasy all the same. In my fantasy, it is just zack and |I, living in San Diego. We have a great apartment overlooking the ocean. I will work and he will be my houseboy - kept naked a good part of the time. He would do nothing without my approval, without my instruction. He would learn to do things (housework, laundry, cooking) the way I want it done or simply suffer the consequences. He could work if he could find work he can do from home. I would expect him to keep his mind current and informed - there is no room for dimwits in my life. We would do grocery shopping together - him being led on collar and leash. He would become well known in the neighborhood as my slave, my pet, my houseboy.
Her would be expected to be waiting at the door when I got home.. on his knees, naked and absolutely ready for whatever I decided to dish out at the time - I might bring a colleague home from work for him to serve, I may decide to let all of the frustrations of the day out on him via my crop or my flogger. Whatever it was, he would take it willingly, and I know, very very happily. Our lives would be simple, uncomplicated and wholly satisfying to us both.
Maybe I should just go ahead and get a job in San Diego, start the process of work visas, apartment etc and when it was all in place - kidnap him.
Yes, I should do just that.

WOW!

I can not believe how much time has passed since I last wrote. We have both been extremely busy, but I am here now to let our readers know that we are still together, and that our relationship continues to move along. Of course, we still struggle with the challenges of the "outside world", but we are determined to not let it get in between us any longer.

And, I will soon have a treat for you. I have given Zack a task of writing down every fantasy, every dirty thought he has ever had, even as a young boy, and send it to me. A diary of sorts, where he is to tell me the most intimate thoughts he has ever had. We all have fantasies, daydreams and the like that would embarrass us to no end if we dared to reveal them to someone. Yes, he is required to provide me with even those. He is actually very excited to do this for me. I bet he won't be when he finds out what I intend to do with them.

First of all, I intend to use them to mind-fuck him. He is very susceptible to mind fucking and I absolutely delight in doing that to him. Then, I am going to post them here for you all to read. I invite you to comment on them in any way you choose.

He has also been ordered to purchase a hood. He wanted me to go with him, but that isn't the instruction. He has not been in a sex shop for a long time and is a bit nervous to do this, but knows that there won't be anything going on between us until he gets that hood. I am so excited to really get the chance to objectify him. He is just a little nervous, because I let him know that when we have the hood, that is when he will truly become my submissive, when I will truly have control over his entire body. Because that is when we do the good old "BOB" - Bend Over Boyfriend because you are going to get your ass fucked by your mistress. Just writing this here has gotten my pussy quite wet and throbbing. I sure wish he were here with me right now.

We met earlier today for a late lunch. We spent some time afterward sitting in the car. I fucked his mind a little, and in doing so, fucked my own as well. After he left, there was no way I could finish the trip home without taking care of that ache. Have you ever masturbated while driving in rush hour traffic?? I can tell you, it is quite the rush!

I Can Die Now...

The day got kind of complicated. Just before Zack was supposed to arrive, he called - all messed up about a crisis at work that he really had to resolve. He was almost hysterical because he did not want to disappoint me again. I was disappointed, but not for the reasons he thought. I had hoped that he was finally gotten to a point where he was going to take control of his life. This was an indication to me that he had not. I told him to do what he had to do.

He called a short time later to tell me he would be on his way over to the hotel I am staying at in about an hour. he said he hadn't eaten, so I told him I would get him some food - I was not going to play if he was too weak from hunger.

It was great to see him when I opened the door. Better than great. His face lit up as well. I made him sit down and eat before we even talked. He ate fast. It wasn't long before I had him naked and on the bed. One thing I have learned about Zack. He really gets off on getting his mind fucked. I think he will tell you that I am very very good at that. I am making him share every single fantasy he has ever had, or could even imagine. I am using those fantasies to take him to another place in his mind. When I am done with him, he barely knows who he is, never mind what work he still has to do. I fucked him every which but loose. It has been a l-o-n-g time for both of us. The cock ring came in handy, there is no way he could have held off cumming otherwise.

I actually went easy on his this time. He has had it tough these recent months. He actually is a very sensitive guy, and I am very sensitive to his needs. He needed to feel loved, appreciated, nurtured and cared for. We both got what we needed that day.

Zack brought his camera with him. He wanted to take pictures of me in my boots.. he loves my boots. I am not that comfortable in  front of a camera, but I let him have his fun. I can still see him laying on the floor - naked and playing paparazzi.

After I was sated, Zack curled up on my shoulder and went to sleep. I love watching him sleep. I wish he could have stayed there all night with me - he could use a full night's sleep, that is for sure. I woke him up about 45 min before he had to leave and fucked him one more time. This time, I let him cum; it was fabulous for us both. We had to opportunity to talk about my own fantasy - I want another sub, a woman. Zack is assigned the task of finding one for me. He relishes the job, and I have no doubt he will be successful.

Stay tuned!

A Great Day!

Zack and I got together today - the first time in 8 weeks. I can't tell you how awesome if was to hold him, to kiss him, to taste him.. yes, I had to have that cock of his, that beautiful cock. Our time was limited, but enough time for me to remind him of what he has been missing - and enough time for him to see the new me, the stronger, more confident me, the Mistress he has needed for some time.
I also made it clear to him that there would be no more fucking around. He is my sub, my slave and if he pushes me away again then I am gone. You see, he NEEDS me.. I do not need him. He will never seek out another Mistress, wherease I can find another sub in a heartbeat. I think he finally gets it.. no one ever said men were very bright, it's why they need the superior guidance of a confident, dominant female to get them successfully through life. And after our short time together, i definitely left him wanting more.. much much more.

The next time we are together it will be for a "session", Zack's therapy, so to speak. He needs these sessions to remain balanced in his everyday life, he needs them (as much as I do) to remain grounded, to release the stress of the day to day grind and his wife's insanity.

I can't wait to report my thoughts of the session, as well as read his...

We love you all for sticking with us!!

I Do Believe Zack is Back...

We have had several email conversations this week. Zack has been witness to my more powerful, more Dominant side and has responded well. he is hungry for more more. I do believe, zack is again under my control. I can not wait for Thursday to arrive. Check back on Friday.. because I am going to make sure zack posts here after our session.

A new Day....

I come here tonight somewhat hesitantly. I do not want to lead you on, nor do I want to lead myself on. That said, I would like to share with you my guarded optimism about Zack and Sarah. We began communicating again this past weekend. It almost seemed like old times. As a result, we have made arrangements to spend an afternoon together next week.

I have learned a lot about us in our relationship and about myself. What I have learned is that my emotion and deep love for Zack is detrimental to our well being  What Zack needs from me is dominance. Where I went wrong was letting him make decisions. Any decisions. Oh, and letting him beleive that his decisions mattered and affected me. I think in his eyes, as my slave, that made me weak to him. And that weakness pushed him away from me.

The game is changing - I feel stronger and in better control. I have let him know that I have changed, that I am no longer his girlfriend and i will no longer put up with his nonsense. I am his Mistress. And as his Mistress, I expected him to behave appropriately or be punished. I believe he is ready for me to take control again - more ready now than ever. His work and his home life continues to create a ton of pressure. He needs to have that managed through subservience to me.

Today I sent him instructions about his behavior, how I expect him to be when he is with me. I think it will excite him. I know he has missed this as much as I have and I look forward to sharing the details of our first session in over 6 months. It feels like the anticipation of a being a virgin looking forward to the wedding night.

Please wish us luck.

A New Day?

Last weekend I got an email from Zack. Several, in fact. He doesn't want it to be "over", he doesn't want us to "disappear from each other". We exchanged a few bits of correspondence over the weekend, and then it was back to work. I really do love that man and I am so weak where he is concerned, so I agreed to wait while he "got his work life in order". Of course, next week his wife is going to New York. I figured that would be a perfect time for us to get some time to re-connect. As a surprise, i booked a hotel room - after all, with his wife away, we could actually spend the entire night together!

I called him after work last night to chat. We laughed about silly stuff, just like old times. Last weekend, he had said there had been some glitches in the trip his wife was taking, but he was working furiously to get them sorted out, to make sure she was able to go. So, while talking to him last night, I asked how that was going. He said it looked like it was going to work out. Then he said, as casual as can be, "Oh, I'm going too." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Here he was - can barely find even 10 minutes to have a cup of coffee with me in the past 6 months and now he can suddenly take several days to go away with his wife? Suddenly his work isn't that busy and demanding?

I am such a sap. I have told him that it is my turn to disappear and that he should take this time away to re-group and to think about his future. If he wants me in it, then we can talk when he gets back. If he doesn't, then I told him not to contact me.
I suspect I will never hear from him again.

it's Really Over.....

I called Zack's office last night - for no other reason that to hear his voice. My heart jumped when he answered the phone.
What a mistake. Well, maybe not a mistake. The end result is that I have come face to face with the truth. I think I will always have a glimmer of hope, but it is pretty clear that Zack and Sarah are over. Not once in that 10 minute conversation did I hear any words of love, not once did he even indicate he missed me. He did say how busy he was,he talked about work, his wife but then it became clear that everything, ANYTHING in his life is more important than reaching out to me.

I have become inconsequential to him. Nothing could be more clear now. I have been holding onto a puff of air for the past 4 months. That puff has vanished.There is nothing more to say.

The End.

Wow...

How wrong can one person be?? Especially one who is supposed to be intelligent?
I have not seen or heard from Zack since the last post - except a single 2 sentence email "warning" me that he is very busy. That was 6 days ago.

My fantasy bubble has burst. I am not important to him. I am not worth making the effort to be in contact with. He has become self centered and selfish - he wants me when it is convenient, when he has, apparently, nothing else to take up the 3 minutes of his time that it takes to send me an email. A phone call would take up too much of away from the others in his life. I am so far down on the list that i have become inconsequential.

Well. here I am. And there he is. Fuck him! He is the one losing out on the very best thing he has ever had in his life.

I'm moving on.

And The Sun Shines Again!!!

A day that started out feeling like a doom's day turned out to be the very best day I've had in a very long time!
As I have noted previously, i have sublet the apartment. I went there for the last time yesterday to pack the remainder of my things, clean and... get Zack's set of keys. Things haven't been so great between us since my last blog entry. He has been pushing me further and further away - being basically non-communicable - and working himself into the ground. It was looking like his resolve to find a new job had flown out of the window. I will admit, as patient as I try to be about this, this week I snapped. Yes, he pissed me off so badly that I told him i can't do it anymore, I simply could not sit on the sidelines and watch him destroy himself. He certainly wasn't interested in anything I might be able to do for him, or in listening to what I might have to say.

Of course, he went to that place Zack always goes to at times like this - back to the beginning of our relationship. Back to his excuses that he "always knew" I wanted more than he could give me, that he knew he could never be enough for me, that he would never be able to free up the time i demanded. He says all this as if he actually had a clue about what I wanted! As usual, he made me feel like I was the biggest problem in his life.

I basically told him to fuck off and bring me the apartment keys. Yes, I was pissed, but I was very hurt as well. I was also VERY worried about him - and it has been that depth of concern for him that has made me respond the way I have. He simply refuses to believe that my concern isn't about what I might want, it is about his wellbeing. A good Mistress is not solely focused on what she wants, a good Mistress takes care of her property, her belongings, her slaves. This is what I was trying to do - to take care of my slave and he wasn't letting me. That frustrated me and totally pissed me off. I came to the end of my rope. His interpretation of that was that I was going to leave him, that I was going to walk about of his life - because he felt he wasn't good enough for me.

He came to the apartment about 6 pm. I was packing. He came in and stood in the hallway. When I turned around and looked at him, his face crumbled. I told him I loved him. I told him I was not going to leave him. He started to cry. I wrapped my arms around him and comforted him - much like a mother would comfort a heart broken child. And heart broken he definitely was.

I got him sitting in the arm chair, and I knelt on the floor beside him, looking at his face, into his beautiful eyes and told him how much I loved him. I told him that if he wanted me, I was always going to be there, I wouldn't leave him. And suddenly the sun came out - it shone out of his eyes, out of his beautiful face. Suddenly, my beautiful Zack was back. I had not seen him for a very very long time. He was grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

We talked - a lot. We talked about him, we talked about his burn-out. He had a document that listed and described the signs and symptoms of burn out. He has every single one of them - and recognizes it. This is a first. This is a first step towards his recovery. He has, for the first time in a very long time, a positive outlook. I could not be happier. Through all of this he smiled, he hugged me, he held me.

Suddenly he said "Do I have to sit here? Can I lay down on the bed with you?" Dangerous question - because suddenly the heat flared inside me. The old familiar ache began. It has been a long time but I intended to maintain my resolve. This was not the time for fucking. or so I thought.

We laid down on the bed. He couldn't seem to get close enough to me. He held me so close. I started kissing him - oh that felt soooo good. After a while I pulled back, saying "you are doing it again". He looked at me so innocently (but not really, he knew) "What am I doing?" "You are asking for it, and now you are going to get it".

I pushed him back. I grabbed him by the hair with one hand and grabbed him under the jaw with the other, pulling his head back so he was getting a good look at my face, my eyes. His Mistress had arrived. "You are such a fucking slut" I growled, "and you need reminding of who is in charge here". He groaned. "yes, Mistress, use me however you want to".

It felt so good to take that control. I brought him to the edge of orgasm over and over and over. I know his body and his responses so well, I can tell when he is right at the very edge. I don't know how many orgasms I had. It was fantastic fucking him again.

Then I whispered in his ear "Now, you fuck me" Again, he groaned "If I do that, I will come, I don't want to disobey you". I told him that I wanted him to fuck me, I wanted to feel him explode inside me - I wanted fusion with him once more. I experienced an explosive orgasm when I felt him cum inside me. The heat of his cum spread throughout my belly. My head exploded. I collapsed on top of him. We were one once more.

Touching Base..

I haven't seen Zack since the last meeting I posted here, but we have spoken a few times on the phone. He continues to struggle with his work situation, but he has some deadlines he feels obligated to meet. It just would not be his nature to "desert" the sinking ship. But he isn't just talking - he has made moves towards a new job, and has told the HR person at work of his plans to leave. The deadline he has to meet is the 3rd week of Sept, so i am sitting back, always supporting him, always loving him and he knows I am here. There is no pressure coming from me.

The one bit of news is that his wife is planning to go to New York for an art festival for that 3rd week in Sept. He is very stressed about that, because he doesn't think she should go. But she is determined, so on top of his current workload, he has to book her trip, and make sure that all of her transportation to and from the airport/hotel is arranged for her own safety. My own thoughts on this is that she is always coming up with these schemes and then never follows through, but he says this time she is serious.
Me? I couldn't be more delighted! A week without her around? That week will be heaven for Zack - it is going to cost him  a fortune, but i think it is going to be well worth it. I am hoping she meets some crazy author and decides to live in Greenwich Village - never to be seen again. Oh, if only....

Anyway, I am doing ok. I have sublet the apartment for 4 months. That makes me sad, but it's still ok. We are still together. We may not be lovers right now, but we are definitely still together. So, it is still one day at a time.
Thanks for sticking this out with us. I am determined to have you hearing from Zack again.. as my loving, devoted slave.

Still the same day...

I got another email from Zack after my last post.
I do not want to jinx anything, but he has made a move - he has let it be known that he is looking for another job, and has actually checked out what might be available to him. he doesn't believe it, but he is an incredibly talented man and I just know that once the word gets out within his industry, he will have no limit to the opportunities that will come his way.
What does that mean to us?? Only time will tell, but I am guardedly optimistic..
Keep your fingers crossed, will you?

Now, if only his crazy wife would do a disappearing act....

Taking it one day at a time...

Zack showed up. I was more excited to see him than he was to see me, or so it seemed. I think his body showed up but his mind was in a million other places. His first words were "I am sooooo tired" I told him to take off his coat and come lay down on the bed. You would have thought I asked him to run a marathon by the look on his face. That hurt and I supposed my own facial expression showed it as well. We were off to a rip roaring start. He asked me to please not be disapproving.

He looks so beaten. He is being pulled in all directions.Everything, EVERYTHING has become a humongous chore for him - I am included in that, I am afraid. We lay down on the bed and talked about nothing for a while. He began to relax. I tried to keep my hands off, I really did, but that man is so fuckingly irresistible. The next hour was wonderful. For the first time in a long time he was mine to possess, mine to own and own him I did. I had him in subspace faster than you can say "use me for your pleasure, Mistress" - which he said often. And use him I did. For that hour it was just Sarah and Zack. Mistress and slave again.

And then it was over. He had to go. I was so happy to have been able to spend some time with him. But I had hoped this was going to be a step towards getting "us" back. I soon realized it wasn't... far from it.

We have been lovers for 3 years. We have a connection that will always be there, no matter what happens. But this relationship has become just another chore, just another responsibility to attend to for Zack. A while ago he said all he wanted was the joy and the fun back that we used to have. He made it sound like I was the one that sucked the joy out of this affair and I think he seriously believed it too. But I think he finally realizes that it is everything else in his life that has done that. It is his insane workload and insane bosses, his even more insane wife and his almost insane sense of responsibility for them all that has come between us.

So, I have told him our affair is over. We can no longer be lovers. I am letting go of the apartment as of Sept 1. I don't know what the future holds, but I have also told him that I am always here to support him, to listen, to be his friend when he needs one. We know each other better than anyone else knows us and he knows he can tell me anything - that I will always listen and I will never judge him. And I will always love him. I think my ending our love affair has made him sad.  I hate that, but I am incredibly sad as well.

I got an email from Zack last night. He finally has come to the realization that he needs to quit that job. He understands, he says, that it is that job that is at the root of our problems. He thinks that my decision to end "us" may have been just the impetus to cause him to re-think his position. Maybe, just maybe, something good is going to come out of this. I am praying it is. I let him know, again, that I am here if he needs me. I will never turn him away. I actually am the only in his life whose support he can always count on. I hope he knows that.

So, like I said....
One day at a time.

Somehow, I'm Hanging in There....

I don't know how. I haven't seen Zack in 3 weeks. I'm not sure, but i think that might be the longest time we have ever gone without seeing each other. It feels like an eternity.

I did something stupid. I "put myself out there" with some idea of replacing Zack. I mean, although i love him fiercely, if i can't be with him what am i to do? Shrivel up and die? I have just too much life to live. Zack has told me more than once that he wants me to be happy, and if that means taking another lover then he is ok with that. Very magnanimous of him. I would never be that generous.

So, i started chatting with a very interesting man. This looked promising. He is a high level executive who is looking for exactly what i have to offer - domination.

We made a date. That is when the strangest thing happened to me.

You may have read this blog from the beginning so you might know that Zack and I are both married - just not to each other. We have been in this relationship for 3 years. At no point have i experienced an ounce of guilt about "cheating" on my marriage. I have felt nothing for my husband for years. He's a jerk.

Anyway, i made this date. As soon as arrangements were made i was struck with overwhelming feelings of despair. I started crying. For days i cried. I finally realized i could not go on this date. I was taken over by the worst feelings of guilt i have every felt. I was besought, consumed with guilt. This was cheating on Zack. No matter what our situation is, i absolutely can not cheat on him. I cancelled the date and cut off communication.

Now, how crazy twisted is that???

I may be seeing Zack on Wednesday. I have no idea how that is going to go. I don't want to fight with him. I don't even want to discuss this. I just want to love him and feel his love for me. I just can't take any more of the distance between us.

Like it or not, meeting Zack was a watershed moment for me. There is no turning back. My life has completely changed course. There are uncharted waters ahead.

Sarah

How Did We Come To This??

We can't recover.. not at this point. Zack is not doing well with his "other" life - although our relationship is the best thing for us both, he is struggling to manage work, home and us. And "Us" is the only thing we can change right now.
If I had my way, if I had a few million dollars - I would literally buy him away from it all. I would take him far away and take care of him the way he so deserves to be taken care of.
His wife is crazier than ever and he is all she has. His employer is floundering and Zack is the only one holding the company above water. I know, he should not take on that kind of responsibility, and yet, there it is. That is who he is. The characteristics that attracted me to him, that I love so much about him - his committment, his caring, his sense of loyalty and duty - are the very ones that are dragging him under.

I am afraid for him. Afraid for his health, for his wellbeing. But right now, my being so involved, being so close to him is causing him even more stress and anxiety. He is struggling as he tries to meet the needs of everyone - an impossible task. He can't change his wife, he can't change his work. He wants to be with me, he wants to feel the release, the joy and contentment we find together, but I see that he can't, and this is killing him as well.
I have no choice. I have to do what I can to ease some of his burden.

And so, I am leaving the apartment. I am leaving the city - well, at least I am if one of the jobs I have applied for comes through. I hope Zack understands me when I tell him that I love him beyond everything and everyone else. I have told him that I am not leaving him, I am not abandoning him, I am just giving him space. All his has to do is call and I will drop everything and come running. Anywhere, anytime.

I'm at the apartment. I am packing things up. I will sell pretty much everything - everything is a stark reminder of the wonderful times Zack and I had here. The next few weeks are going to be very very difficult. Zack is near by, but I cannot see him. I wish I could hold him, make love to him one more time. I will have to be satisfied with the memories of the last wonderful afternoon we spent here. If only I had known then what the future held....

The Light Flickered......

But now it's gone out.

a Tiny Light at the End of This Very Dark Tunnel...

Zack and I talked today. I mean TALKED. There were times when I know he wanted to bolt - but I give him a lot of credit, he didn't. He hung in there. We talked about the hard stuff - the stuff he doesn't like to talk about. He was that little boy that doesn't want anything to change - he was very happy before all the problems started and he just wants that back. I do too. Very much.

I think we both understand that we can't get things back to the way they were. His work and his home life has become so very complex and that complexity pushes its way into our relationship in ways neither of us could have anticipated. I think he understands that he can not manage all 3 - his wife, his work, and us - no matter how badly he wants it. It is the wanting that has been causing him so much stress. The added stress has him looking at things from all the wrong angles, and doing that has caused him to take on more responsibility for more situations than he needs to, but it isn't his fault. At one point tears welled up in his eyes and he asked me why I wanted him, how could I love him. Silly man - we may not be married but I am as committed to him as if we were - for better or for worse.

He believes I want more than he can give. I believe that we can come to some sort of arrangement that WILL work. We both know that we love each other very much and neither of us wants to lose the other. We have agreed to talk some more, to work out some sort of plan that will meet our needs - not mine, not his - ours. He wants me to keep the apartment so I will, for now.

What was the best part of the morning??? He held me in his arms, it made me insanely happy to be there.  We kissed like we haven't kissed in a very long time. His erection pressing against me was a glorious feeling, as was the ache that began deep inside me, spreading heat throughout my body. I have been dreaming about him every night, dreaming of that gorgeous cock of his and it was wonderful to know i still have "that" effect on him. He had to leave, so kissing was as far as it went, but I think we are on a new track to an even better relationship. God - please keep us from getting derailed.

A tiny light is glimmering in the dark...

At this point, I am happy...

Update..

We are closer to the end and this is more painful than I could have imagined.. Zack will not discuss the situation and gets upset every time I broach the subject of our deteriorating relationship. I think it is just too painful for him to even consider that the end is coming. I don't understand how he can keep telling me "this will pass" - it's been 10 weeks and nothing is getting better - nothing. But everything is getting worse. We have not spoken in over 2 weeks - a few emails, that's it.

I am getting rid of my equipment - restraints etc.And my fabulous boots - I actually have 2 pair, so if anyone reading is interested in a fantastic deal, feel free to send me a message. I am giving up the apartment as of Aug. 1. Coming here no longer brings me the sheer joy it used to. On the contrary, it is quite painful to come here now. Zack is too close by. I haven't asked him for his keys yet - I will summon up the courage that I will need for that soon, because the "discussion" will most definitely have to occur then. It is not something I am looking forward to.

I will be completely open - I honestly have no idea why this has happened. The last time we spent an afternoon together (2 1/2 months ago) we were deliciously happy. Zack told me that it amazed him that he loved me more than he have ever loved me. He told me he would always love me. He used the "forever" word. 2 days later it all changed. I have no idea what happened, but I can't fight it any longer. I can't continue the extreme highs and lows I have endured lately. I need peace..

I love him with all my heart. And I know, in my heart, that my love for him will never change. If it isn't Zack in my life, then it is no one.