An Interesting Turn of Events...

I got home from work Thursday to find Zack - naked and cleaning the apartment- doing the dishes, vacuuming. I really do need to get that boy a nice frilly apron.

I've mentioned the book I've been reading "Female Domination" (Elise Sutton) and I've been learning a lot about the submissive male psyche. I am beginning to understand Zack even better, and after this morning I am not so sure he is ready yet to give himself over to me. I don't mean that I think he is being deceitful- I believe, I KNOW he wants this - I am just not all that confident that he is yet ready for what this kind of relationship could entail; a part of me wonders if he ever will be.

Zack needs this, he needs me to take control. But I am learning that there are things *I* might want that he has very significant, psychological barriers about. I thought I might be able to break some of those walls down this week, but I also learned that he can't completely trust me- there are walls inside his head that he may never be able to let me bring down. In these things, he can't trust me enough to let me in. I think he doesn't trust himself either- as if he is afraid of some horrendous outcome if he let's me in, if he surrenders his psyche and his body fully to me in the ways I desire.

What I want, to him, is not "normal", not "natural" and he just might believe he will lose my love, respect and affection for him if he allows me to use him in this way. He has a fear of being abandoned. He has been abandoned in so many ways his entire life. I completely understand what is going on for him.

So I am using his blog to tell him, and the rest of the world, that there is NOTHING that would cause me to turn away from him. I love him unconditionally and I will always be here for him - for as long as he wants me there.

Its ok if I don't get what I want - this is why our M/s relationship is so unique: as Mistress, as his owner, I have the right to take what I want. But that isn't what our relationship is about: it's about giving as well as taking, trust, respect and most of all it's about a commitment to the well being of each other.

I love you, Zack. I need your submission, your adoration to be whole. It is only with you that I feel this way, and I will NEVER abandon you. You may not be able to be optimistic or sure of the future, but I have been around long enough to know that what I say here today will never change - unless you want it to. I hope you never do.
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Who Knew I Would Have This Response?

I am at the apartment again this week. My response to being here has surprised me. The only image I have in my head is Zack - naked, restrained and face down on my bed.

The image is turning me on, big time. I lay in that bed reading my book on feminine domination. This book is certainly teaching me about not only what makes Zack tick but what he needs- as my submissive- from me. I am reading about forced male feminization - while I read this I became very aroused. Poor Zack!! Lol I need to go out and find him some sexy lingerie.

All I need is opportunity. His day will come.
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And the Beat Goes On...

A new day.

In one way, its pathetic how much I miss Zack. It makes me feel weak. When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable is not a state I am comfortable with. But I can't describe the way I feel other than lost, like part of me, my "other half" is missing. Zack is missing - not "missing" but not here with me right now.

I know- selfish. He has work to do, his own life to tend to. But I'm a Dominate and we know that it really is all about what I need.

Last evening my mind wandered back to playing in our new bed for the first time.
WOW! Just thinking about it gives me multiple jolts. He is such a slut, and I got to use him in many ways. Being the greedy girl that I am, I want more. I want more opportunity to dominate my boy toy, more opportunity to fuck my whore.

He has new rules. I want him naked whenever he is in the apartment. I dare him to try to exert any kind of control over any situation again, dare him to try to back off of my advances ever.

Naked. On his knees. That's where he belongs. It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.
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Another Day...

I am still feeling out of sorts. Let's face it, I need my slave. Life events right now are taking on their own persona - I am simply not in control. In addition to everything else, I also have a diagnosed case of SAD = Seasonal Affective Disorder. February has always been a bad month for me, and this year, I think, is going to be even worse. Worse, because I will be out of town for 2 of the 4 weeks. Out of town and away from Zack.

Zack helps me gain perspective. He allows me to re-gain that sense of control. He evens me out. He simply makes me feel good. I need to dominate - and he is the one I want for that. It is tough to concentrate. Let's face it, I'm a mess. Unless something changes soon, I am going to lose it on someone. If it can't be Zack, then I pity the sucker that steps in the way next week.

As Zack puts it sometimes, I am off kilter. I don't like the feeling one damned bit. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams.

And It Goes From Bad to Worse...

Today we had a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but a major disagreement. And it is tearing me up inside.
I got home last night from my business trip. I was staying at the apartment. When I got there, and as I suspected, nothing had changed since I left there the week previous - the carpets weren't shampooed, the table wasn't assembled etc etc. I wasn't upset about it because, as I posted, I didn't expect it to be. I knew Zack was busy, even if he didn't. But neither had the landlord come and fix the things needed repair - broken light over the sink, shower on the fritz, the sink still leaking. After the week I had, THAT really pissed me off - I pay rent for a functioning apartment. I had sent Zack an email, so he knew I was home. He responded asking if he could stop by; of course!! I needed to see him. I needed to get grounded and that is what he does for me. I am not often "needy" but I was last night.

I knew things weren't going to go well the instant he came through the door. The energy in the apartment was suddenly very dark - even though Zack seemed glad to see me. He actually said he had been depressed the entire time I was away. But his words just didn't match his actions - something was off.

I needed his arms around me, all I needed was to be held. I went to him and he backed off. He said he was afraid of getting any hint of fragrance on his clothes because he was afraid his wife would pick it up. Ok, valid, even though I never wear any fragrance when there is a possibility of seeing him. I asked him to take his coat off - he stripped down to his T shirt. I went into his arms - but I didn't feel "welcome" there. I went back to putting the table together. I could feel my agitation building - I credited it to the tough week I had. We talked for a bit - both venting our frustrations - but it was like casual acquaintances venting about work.

He had to go. I walked him to the door, we kissed good bye - a brief glancing kiss that barely made contact. and he was gone. And I stood there, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn't know why, and I didn't understand what had just happened. And I had a very sleepless night as a result.

And so did Zack. He sent me a very long email at 4 am. He is having problems with adjusting to this whole idea of the apartment. He has been distressed about the cost of the furniture - he is not ok with such extravagance - like a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a TV. He also felt he needed to pay for some of it.

As I said in an early blog post, I have a huge problem with taking money, or gifts, from anyone. I have big hang ups about it. I was taught not to take things from people that I hadn't earned. In my marriage I have always been responsible for anything I decided I was going to do/purchase. I always knew my husband was not going to ever be supportive or of assistance - even when WE decided to buy a home. it was something I wanted, so I would be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, upkeep. That is how my life has been.

I decided to get this apartment, I decided on the furniture. I did not expect anyone to assume any kind of responsibility for any part of it. I am prepared to take care of it. It's my decision and therefore my responsibility. And it upsets me knowing that now, as a result of MY decisions, Zack is feeling financially responsible for something he didn't want. I don't want him feeling that. He is stressed enough by other demands he doesn't want being heaped on him. and this is what was on his mind when he stopped by last night. He may not have even been aware of it, I certainly didn't know it, but it was there, nonetheless.

I won't go into all the details, but the day was very unpleasant. Zack now wants time to re-group his thoughts and work through this - himself. He doesn't want me involved. At the end of it all, I understood that he wanted to help with the apartment. Yes, he was surprised at the costs, but wanted to help me regardless. That is a new experience for me. Trust me, when I say we are both a little fucked up, I mean it. I apologised for my responses to his helping and I thanked him. But I never got to see him today. I still need his arms around me, I still need his comforting, his grounding. And I have no idea when I am going to experience that. I am going into a couple of very stressful weeks, and I simply need him. But he needs space. I get that. I respect his need. Whatever he wants, he will get.

But I am not very happy right now...

Lonely...

Zack and I are in a part time relationship. It works for us, it has to, as there are no other options. I love the apartment, because even if I can't be with Zack, or see him, I am close to him when I am there. It's comforting. I can't be there all the time, but when I am, it's awesome.
But this week I am out of town. I gave Zack orders to make sure he gets his work done, because I want to play when I get back. I am pretty sure he is doing what I said, because i haven't heard from him today :-(. It's bedtime, I have a full day tomorrow and thursday, and I miss him. I miss him terribly.

It's lonely here in this hotel room alone - without my slave, my boy toy, my obedient slut. I can't wait to get back Thursday evening - I am heading straight to the apartment. I wonder if he has been able to get any of the chores I gave him to do there done. He assured me he would, but I have my doubts. If he doesn't get it done, I am going to be really pissed - but not for the reasons Zack would think. I would be pissed because that is what Zack does - if an effort to please, he will commit to things that may not be possible for him to accomplish. and if he doesn't get them done, after making the commitment that he will, he feels incredible guilt. He is so lost in pleasing everyone, that he doesn't know how to recognize his own limitations. I asked him several times if he would have time to get the apartment stuff done (finish building the furniture, clean it, shampoo carpets) because I really don't think he will have time - and that's fine. what I want more than him being compliant is for him to be realistic. I guess we will see.

I love him, so very very much. He is my life.

And We Just Keep Moving Forward...

The furniture arrived yesterday. Zack had been giving me a bit of grief about how much I spent on the furniture. He has been forced to live in an apartment without any furniture except a mattress on the floor and a chair for the past year, and as such has become sort of a "minimalist" - albeit enforced. I told him that if I am going to spend any time there I need certain things. I had just spent 5 days there sleeping on pillows on the floor. That was more than enough for me. Much more than enough.

The delivery men (and they were definitely cute!!) brought the TV in first. A 40" HD LCD. I thought Zack was going to faint. "what do you need THAT for???" I told him it was the same as the one I had in my bedroom at home, so get over it. (he was getting very sassy and it was starting to irritate me). Then came the TV stand. Then the bed. The glorious bed. The centerpiece of the entire place. The play-pen. The delivery guy put it together. They brought in the dresser and the nightstand. Zack stood there with a completely confused look on his face. "I hope you got a good deal with the purchase of all this". I told him it was a very good deal - half price (including taxes) and he was looking at $6000 worth. Lol. He tried very hard not to have a stroke. I have no idea why it's a big deal to him.   HE ISNT PAYING FOR IT.

We got left with assembling the kitchen table and chairs, so I put Zack to work. I made the bed. After 1 chair was assembled, I called him to come and try the bed out. I'm sure you know what came next. By the time I was done with him a couple of hours later, he was very happy his wise Mistress bought such a great bed. He said he beleived he would get ot like it so much that he would never leave. I told him that was my plan.

It was a great afternoon: building furniture, fucking, eating- I make him some scrambled eggs and toast (he has to keep up his strength ). I am going out of town next week, so I left him with a list of chores: Assemble the rest of the furniture, wash the dust off of it all, shampoo the carpets (they never did get done) and whatever else he can find to do. it has to be done by the time i get back there on Thursday evening.

His discipline is on hold until I get everything set there. Once it's complete.. well, let the games begin!!

Zack's been a bad boy...

Well, not really. Just sort of. He sent me an email on Tues asking if he could come over "even if its just to do the dishes". I know him, though. He's such a slut, a whore and will sell himself out to me for any chance of being fucked. I decided all he was going to do was the dishes.

When he arrived, I ordered him to strip and get busy in the kitchen. This was a first for me - I've never had a house-maid before. I think I might have to get him a french maid's apron; how cute would that be with his cock tenting it out because of his raging hard on. Because when I went into the kitchen, there he was- naked, washing dishes with a huge erection. I couldn't resist.

I went over and started kissing him and stroking his cock. All he could do is say "I like this.." In a very dreamy voice, over and over with a glazed over look. I left and went into the bedroom.

When he was done in the kitchen, I ordered him to the bedroom and to lay down on the bed. I had decided I WAS going to fuck him after all, but told him he had better not come or he was going to "get it", he would be in significant trouble.

And then I fucked him. I mean I held him down and FUCKED him. And it was during this that my devilish plan was born. You see, Zack is very good at holding off. He is actually a very obedient slave. So much so that I'm not getting the fun of punishment. So, I decided that I had to push him- push him, push him so hard he would have to fail. I am such a bitch! Lol

Poor guy, he really tried. I have to give him credit, he was almost successful, I almost came before he did. I was feeling very aggressive and very possessive and I let him know it. I had him by the hair and whispered the words that he simply can not resist. When I call him my fucking slut, my whore, that I own his body and I will use him like the piece of meat he is, when I have him by the hair and his head pulled back while I growl these words in his ear- well, he's a goner.

And he went over the edge. I think he actually tried to hide it, by pulling me closer to him. But he knew that he couldn't get anything passed me, as he whispered "I am in so much trouble".

I laughed - and told him he most certainly was. I can't wait! My furniture arrived today. When I get everything set up - the new "dungeon" will be in full swing and Zack will be a very willing recipient- because he truly is a total whore and will do anything, endure everything I deliver for the change of getting fucked.

He is so transparent.
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Reflections...

It feels so good to be here and to be here (at this point in my life) with Zack is a bonus. He fulfills my every need - even my need to be a bitch at times.

I can almost see him quiver with anticipation when that is how I am on any given day. Where others always head for the hills when the bitch shows up, Zack gets excited. It feels good to know I can be myself with him. I will confess, there are still those moments when I get insecure and worry that if I am a bitch or if I have to discipline him, he will leave me. I constantly try to get past that. Once the apartment is set up, Zack's training will begin again in earnest. Watch this site for the details.

His training will include a wide range of activities. Zack has ADD. I do as well but not to the extent he does. I want to train him to focus. Oh, I know he won't be perfect, no one is, but Zack tends to use his ADD as an excuse. We are going to work on that. Training is also going to include new ways I will use him, use his body, to dominate and control him. He knows what's coming - I want to dominate him ultimately and that include fucking his ass. There will be no better way to demonstrate my total ownership of his body; the idea of this excites me greatly. I think when I reach this level of control there will be nothing greater. I will have accomplished what we both want and need.

I know this causes Zack some anxiety, this is very much uncharted territory for us both. But his comfort and safety is first and foremost in my mind. I hope he can trust me when I say I promise pleasure like he has never experienced before. And in doing that for him will bring me immense pleasure as well.

We have come too far, *I* have come too far to be happy without a slave, without submission- I want that submissive to be Zack. I want my sexual slave to be Zack so it is important to me not to fuck this up.

It feels very good to have this apartment. It is a lot closer to Zack than my other home. I feel much more content just being in closer proximity to Zack. It doesn't necessarily mean we will be able to spend more time together (although I hope we will) it just feels good having a place for us, a "dungeon" for us and to know he is near.

I am going to be more demanding. I am going to be more disciplined myself. I am going to be more structured. And both of us are going to be so much happier for it.

What's the expression? "A future so bright I gotta wear shades".
That's us.
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Sarah is an incredible woman

My cock is hard for Sarah again, but I can't visit her. She has instructed me to stay away this afternoon, so I am trying to work. But I'm obsessing again.

I felt so good in the apartment on Friday. Sarah was angry at me and as I read the post below, I now know that I will be disciplined for being slow to return. I will accept that.

Sarah doesn't realize how good she looked upon my return. Even though she was pissed at me, I was so happy to see her, especially when she's in her Dominatrix attire. I feel like I've come home at those times.

She's an incredible woman. And when she fucks me as an Alpha Bitch, I'm in the best place I could ever be. I feel good about myself when I am very successful with orgasm control with her. She deserves a hard cock anytime she wants it—and it's my job to supply this on demand, if this is what she desires.

I'm not going to be very successful if I'm so busy coming for my own pleasure. This is about Sarah's pleasure. My pleasure comes from seeing her take charge.

She fucked my face so perfectly on Friday. My tongue was a little sore at night. That's a sign that she has done everything perfectly.

I love Sarah so much.

Zack
xoxox

Well, Well, Well...

It was a very interesting day indeed! I started out by buying "stuff" for the apartment. The furniture won't be delivered until next Friday, but I wanted to get the rest of the place set up. I told Zack I would be there around 10 if he were able to come over - I wanted to show him the place, give him his keys, but I assured him there was NOT going to be any play - not until I have everything set up.

I got a lot of stuff done, and waited until 12:30 - Zack hadn't showed up yet, so I went to a nearby coffee shop for coffee and to work on my laptop. As these things usually go, I no sooner sat down with coffee and got the laptop turned on when he called - he was at the apartment, and where was I? (I was a block away). I told him I would be right there. Mr. Anxious couldn't wait for me there, he came to meet me.   :-)

We got into the apartment and I showed him around - all 2 rooms of it. It was the first time he had seen it and he was quite pleased. We sat on the floor and talked, made out, but like I said - no play. Besides he had an appointment at 2. He said the appointment would be brief and he would be right back. I told him to hurry, because I had a surprise for him. My resolve had weakened and I did want to play after all. It's what happens when I am around Zack. I know, I'm weak.

I had my play stuff there, so I changed into my "Mistress Persona" and was ready for him. He had a key so he could let himself in. I was ready for him - sitting on the counter, flogger in hand. I waited.

And I waited. 3:30 came and went. By 3:45 I was pissed. I put the chain on the door. There was no way he was going to just saunter on in. I was going to give him until 4 pm, at which time I was changing and leaving. Fuck him and he was going to pay for this. At 3:58 he opened the door.

Of course, he couldn't get in, because of the chain. I could tell by his voice that this confused him. I told him to wait a minute and went to open the door. What he saw when he came through the door was his Mistress and she was not happy - and I told him so. I went back into the kitchen. His confusion continued. I am sure he had no idea why I was pissed. Typical thoughtless, stupid man. He asked what he could do to make it better. I told him to get his fucking clothes off and get into position in front of me. He was very prompt. Once he was on his knees, he asked if he could explain. I told him no. I also told him that one thing that was going to change immediately was that I no longer wanted to hear all his fucking excuses when he messed up. What I wanted was for him to apologise and take responsibility it. That and to take the discipline that would result like a man. He apologised. We'll have to see how he takes the discipline.

Now one thing I do know is that you never discipline or punish when you are angry. I'm pretty sure if I had started using the flogger it would have made me feel better, but it would not have been good for Zack. And I want never to betray his trust in me that way. Instead, I sent him into the other room.

When I got in there, he was in position, on his knees, waiting for me. I won't go into the step by step, but what I finally did was fuck him - but it wasn't truly sexual. He was ordered not to cum. And I fucked him like an Alpha Bitch - with the intent of him understanding who was in charge, who was in control. I think he got the picture.

He didn't get disciplined today. But he will. One thing I am beginning to realise is that I HAVE been soft on him. I don't regret that, I think it has been necessary for us both to work through situations and develop an unconditional trust. But now he needs discipline. I think he understands that I want him to be the very best slave he can be, and in doing so, he will become a better man in all aspects of his life as well. I wholeheartedly believe that. I love him and I want him to be the very best he can be. He is worth it, he is worthy of my love and he is worthy of my direction. I have been challenged in this part of our M/s relationship - I am not a sadist, it doesn't bring me pleasure to cause pain. But just as a mother disciplines her child, discipline borne out of love and a desire for the child to be successful and happy, so must a Mistress discipline her sub, her slave.

What Zack doesn't know (but will once he reads this) is that once the apartment is ready, he will be disciplined on a regular basis. The discipline is not punishment - being subservient requires a person to be disciplined in their actions, in their lives. Zack is most definitely not disciplined. Just as athletes make sacrifices to be the best, living very disciplined lives, so must those who serve Mistresses and Masters. Being the best doesn't come easily, nor does it come without some level of discomfort and suffering. The discipline will remind Zack that he must try harder. What Zack also needs to know and understand is that I will discipline with great love. Because he is my great love. I do not take this effort or make this commitment to anyone else. I will no longer let his lapses slide. I will no longer accept his excuses or his blaming a million events or others for his faltering.  And he will falter - I know that. But I know he will do his best, and that with each error he will try harder to be better. He believes he can be the best slave I could have. I guess time will tell.

I love you Zack. I want you to be the very best you can be. I want you to be as happy as I can possibly make you. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Decisions, Disappointments, Anticipation, Excitement...

I have taken possession of "our apartment" - I like the sound of that, a lot.

It actually wasn't an easy decision to make when it came down to it. I had a bit of a meltdown a few days ago, but I was fortunate enough to have been able to connect with Zack and talk it out. Its crazy how centered and grounded I become when we connect. He is very good for me. We are both looking forward to the opportunities in store for us here. Of course, I think we will still need to play in the fuckmobile once in awhile - you know, just for old times sake. :-)

But just so you know, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are things that disappoint me. This blog is one of them. Regardless of what I want (and Zack knows what that is) he doesn't get here or add to it as much as I would like. After we have spend a particularly intense session playing, for example, I will instruct him to add his thoughts and reflections about here. That rarely happens. I'm giving up on that. What will be will be, I guess. Some things i will never have control over.

All in all, however, the future - our future - looks bright. It remains fragile, and I will never take that for granted, but I feel good. I feel so very good.

Up, Down and All Around...

I'm excited about having a place to spend time with Zack - a place we can call "ours", a place I can have my stuff "to hang my hat" so to speak. But my emotions have been all over the map since I got the call about the apartment on Saturday. What I realized was that I needed Zack - I needed his submission, I needed his presence. Only then would I be able to think clearly and work through this in my mind.

I wasn't sure he would get my messages about getting together today sometime, but I hoped - so I tried. Zack likes it when he knows I have been "stalking" him, so that is what I did today, in hopes of seeing him. I cruised his apartment building, and then went to a local coffee shop to "lay in wait". I wasn't completely sure, but I figured that if he got my message of where I was, he would be there.

And what a good boy he is!!! Although he didn't have a lot of time, he was able to meet me for a bit.
seeing him, having the opportunity to discuss this with him, to have him challenge me about it (is this the right time?) was enough for me to sort it out in my mind. I feel much better now. MUCH better.

And I can't wait to get that gorgeous new bed I bought in there - I can't wait to get Zack tied to it, I can't wait to resume his "training" - here's an interesting bit of news.. the sales person suggested I buy one of their mattress covers.. it's fleece covered, but completely water proof. I said "Oh, so I could pee the bed and the mattress would be protected?" "Yep!" was her reply. Now if you have read any of our blog, and you understand Zack, you will know EXACTLY what I was talking about!!! LOL. Did I buy it?? You're damned right I did!!

When I get the stuff moved in, I'll take pictures and post them here.. you might even see one of Zack's ass with "Sarah's Slut" written across it in lipstick..
Good times ahead!

Good news!!

Well, it's confirmed - I have been approved for the new apartment that will become my "dungeon" of sorts. I assume occupancy on Jan. 15/12.

This is not only turning a page, but the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. The road ahead will not be smooth - but if I have Zack with me, I'll be ok.

50 Reasons Why a Slave Should Serve...

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The Ups and the Downs...

It's no one's fault.. it simply is what it is (note: I understand this is one of the phrases to be eliminated from our speech this year - not mine, it says it like it is!)

Our situation and our relationship is so far from ideal - for both of us. All we can do is make the best of it. Zack is trying so hard to work "us" into his life - last week was amazing! We have spent some incredibly amazing time together - quality time that has enhanced and deepened our relationship. Things are so wonderful, with the potential of getting better, So why do I feel so down right now?

It's because I am one very greedy girl, I always have been. I am never satisfied with the status quo. I think this character "flaw" worries Zack. I think he is afraid that I will get to a point where I won't be satisfied with him, that I will become bored with him, that our relationship will not satisfy me. He doesn't  have a thing to worry about. We have just begun our journey together - we have so much to explore, so many things to try - some we will love, some we won't, but there is a lot of "living" we have missed out on and need to make up for. I want to do that with Zack.

It isn't simply his servitude that makes me want him, it isn't his gorgoeus cock (although, I will confess - that IS a big draw ), it is the man he is. I don't think he understands that. I'm not sure I understand that. I have always be hyper-critical of people. I have always been able to pick out their flaws, their weaknesses. So, why is it so different with Zack? Because I know he has flaws, he has weaknesses, and there are things about him that drive me crazy some times. But at the end of it all (and I have told him this) I do not want him to change anything. I love his weaknesses, his flaws, his vulnerabilities. Every one of them come together to make him the man I so dearly love. If he changed anything would I love him less? I highly doubt it, and any change isn't necessary anyway, because there isn't anything he could do that would make me love him more than I do right now.

No, my problem right now is that I can't get enough of him. I should be satisfied with our morning together a week ago, having coffee before work the other morning, the afternoon with him and then the time we got to spend together the following morning. Yes, I have had more time with Zack recently than ever before. And yet, I miss him so much.

I went to see an apartment last week. I am praying my application will be approved. I want this apartment so badly. It would allow us to see each other often, I would be able to hang my toys somewhere, we could have our very own "playpen" to enjoy each other in. Our own little dungeon.

But the decision to take this apartment has brought it's own trepidations, it's own level of anxiety for me. It's a huge commitment, absolutely. But it is also the first step away from my marriage - the first REAL step. My counsellor is rooting for me - he is very encouraging for me to do this. But no matter how I feel about my marriage and my husband this is not easy. As much as I love Zack and want to be with him or near him - this step is definitely NOT easy. No matter the reasons, I will be walking away from something I have invested almost my entire life into. Again, it is what it is, but it isn't easy. Zack needs to understand that. He needs to understand that as much as  I want to do this, I feel a huge loss as a result. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Loving Zack is not a mistake, Zack is my life, my destiny. But if I do this, and Zack comes to a point where he can't continue with me - then I am lost. Forever. That scares the crap out of me.

I know we can never know the future or what it will bring. Sometimes is is hard to step out on that ledge and take that leap of faith. I just hope Zack is always there to catch me.

Sarah's absence

I'm missing Sarah right now. I haven't seen her since Thursday. We had an incredible time together, and I know things will get even better this year.

But at the moment, she's not around and it's leaving me feeling a bit lonesome. I hope I can spend some time with her this week.

Zack

Go Figure...

I am never satisfied.. the more I get the more I want...
I wonder how I am supposed to deal with that??

An Then Things Can Get Soooo Much Better....

Zack joined me for coffee before work this morning. I had told him where I was going to be, but to be truthful, I didn't give a damn if he showed up or not - I was still in such a bitchy mood, everything, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE was totally pissing me off.

But, he did come. He is sick, yet he still came. It took a little while, but he was successful in taking the edge off and by the time we parted, I was definitely feeling better. I was feeling more in control. He has that effect on me.

Later in that afternoon, I checked into the hotel. He said he was going to come by about 3:30. I got there early, and called him a work and left a message; by 4 PM, I hadn't heard from him. Figures. But a few minutes later he called and asked if he was welcome to come up. Of course he was!

Suffice it to say, the rest of the day went very well as I proceeded to fuck Zack's brains out. I was able to work out my aggression and bitchiness from the morning and the day before. While I was working it out on Zack, we figured out why I was so pissed at what had happened. I wasn't pissed at Zack, I was pissed at having someone else controlling MY slave. Someone was using MY slave without my permission.

As I was on top of Zack, with his cock deep in side of me I told him what I would have done  to his boss if I could - I  told him I would have gone over to his office, slapped the shit out of his boss, then grab him by the hair and drag his sorry ass out of there, letting his "Ex-boss" know that Zack was MY slave and no one gets him unless I give them permission. I would never let him go back.
At that point, I experienced one killer of an orgasm- it totally caught me off guard, but it was pretty clear it was a direct result of my declaration of ownership of Zack and my Domination. This was a BIG deal.

We spend more time together, but the time came when we both had to leave. I had an appointment to look at an apartment for rent and he had to pick up his wife. The topper of the day. however, was that the apartment was great, and as far as  I am concerned, it's MINE. Better yet, it is a block from Zack's work - so now, instead of ordering his ass to the fuckmobile, I'll be ordering his ass to my dungeon..
I am soooo excited!

Yes, Sir - the day ended very well indeed!

Sometimes Shit Happens...

And today is one of those times. Right now I am SO pissed, SO frustrated! Although Zack thinks its because of something he has done, that he has failed me somehow,he's wrong.

Its his fucking employer that has me in such a state; this is one of those instance where, if I were a man, I'd punch a wall. I may anyway.

Tuesdays are Zack's busiest day (usually) because of deadlines. His bosses are arrogant assholes who are not only bullies, but don't have a fucking clue how their business is run. They don't care if Zack works 24/7 (which he does) as long as their deadlines are met. He does a lot of work for free and in essence is carrying the company on his back. He doesn't take vacations because it just makes life MORE stressful.

So, his idiot boss has enforced vacation time on him. Today (a fucking Tuesday) is supposed to be one of those days. So, Zack did what Zack does: worked all night trying to get the work done that needed to be done on Tuesday. So, he worked all night and is STILL working at 3 pm today. They call this a vacation??? There isn't a doubt in my mind that the jerk will also take today's pay out of Zack's vacation bank.

Zack thinks I'm mad at him because I wanted to see him today and now I'm not going to. I'm not mad at him. I just get so pissed when people are mistreated. And this is MY slave being mistreated.

FUCK!! Where's that wall??
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

I'm going deeper

Sarah is pulling me deeper into her world—and I like it.

She has such a surprising imagination. She will suggest things that sound absolutely outrageous, but I'm so drawn to doing them because of my deep desire to please.

She told me today that she's thinking about peeing on me again. Two years ago, I would have said I would be the last person to ever engage in this type of activity. Now, because it's Sarah who's saying this, I'm compelled and turned on by the possibility.

It's too bad that anyone reading this blog can't see Sarah, at least not yet. She's incredibly attractive, especially when she dresses in her leathers but also when she wears her normal work clothes.

For a long time, she had the habit of not wearing underwear when she knew she was going to see me. Sarah is so enchanting and, if you met her, you would realize that she's also funny. She has a great, great sense of humour.

I'm such a lucky slave.

Zack

My New Year's Resolution...

2012 is going to be a year like no other! I have been awake for the past hour thinking only of Zack and the future. I am finally "getting it", Zack.  And I think you are as well. I think we are coming to a new understanding - of ourselves and of each other - an understanding of the needs and desires we have to be complete.


We have said this so often - it brings each of us great pleasure to please the other. I am learning that your servitude brings you great pleasure - the more you are able to serve, the happier you are. My goal is strictly your happiness - you have gone too far in your life without it - and when I am able to deliver happiness upon you, it pleases me very very much. But there is more to it than just pleasing each other. For the first 2 years of our relationship we tried that. We worked hard at it, but from our limited, vanilla perspectives.We did not know what we wanted/needed ourselves, how could we possibly satisfy the other? Not understanding ourselves and each other brought us both great unhappiness at times.


How utterly grateful I am to that interview (about Domme women) and the conversations that have ensued. It was like a grand door opening for us both to walk through. I wish we were able to share our individual journeys  and our personal enlightenment with others. Perhaps we could help other lost souls realize their potential. Perhaps we could enlighten the world to the power, the commitment, the honesty and the sheer love an M/s relationship requires, that it isn't about pain, power over, humiliation or even ownership. It is about being honest with yourself and each other about your own needs and desires, about putting your partner before all else, about being so committed to the happiness of the other that you will do whatever it takes to accomplish that. It is about accepting the other completely without conditions, or without judgment. And it is about pure and honest love.


It is amazing how quickly a life can turn around. I am so grateful to the events put into place so many years ago that brought me directly to you, Zack. Looking back, it reminds me that our fates are sealed - our paths are destined and my destiny has always been you. I often bemoan the fact that we didn't meet sooner, but if we had, we would not have been the same people, I don't think we would have been ready for this and we would have missed our "NOW" entirely. What a tragedy that would have been.


So, here is my New Year's Resolution:
I resolve to be honest with myself, to recognize that the person I am is deserving of you and all you have to offer. I resolve to a commitment of helping you grow, of nurturing the wonderful man that you are, to helping you reach the great potential I see within you. I resolve to not hold back from you and in doing so, giving you what you want and need to be the happiest you can be as well. I resolve a commitment to your safety and well-being, to not only listening to you but to hear you as well, and to also hear what you are not saying.
And above all, I resolve to loving you with all the desire and passion that is in me.


Without you, I am nothing. We are Yin & Yang, Ego & Alter-Ego, Light & Dark, Balance & Counter-Balance. Purely 2 sides of the same coin. There can be nothing greater than this.


I Love You.

Mistress gets better every day

I had a perfect day with Mistress yesterday. I was finally able to buy her some leather, which I've wanted to do for quite some time. I loved how she collared me in the store. She is my true love.

Sarah is revealing more about her desires and this is really turning me on. For the first time, she talked about Total Power Exchange. I'm a slut, and I had never heard this phrase before.

I must admit that it's extremely enticing, mainly because I know it would make Sarah happy and because she is totally trustworthy. Sarah is not abusive. She gives me what I need and I try to give her what she needs.

I wouldn't consider TPE with anyone but Sarah. She has a very nurturing side in addition to a very Dominant side. She's adorable and powerful. Quite simply, she's the very best Mistress I could ever have.

I especially love it when she pees on me because I love the sensation of her warm urine on my skin. She has only done this twice. These events have a profound effect. It's intimate, but there's also some shame for me at a certain level, which I need to feel periodically as a true submissive. It's very hard to put into words. I don't know why humiliation has some appeal -- not always, but sometimes. I think Sarah would like to give me more of this, but she holds back sometimes because she has so much love in her heart.

Over time, I think she will become more accustomed to forcing me to be a total slut and engaging in this type of behaviour a little more often.

I loved going out to a restaurant with her, and having her tell the waitress what I'll have. I could get very used to her being Bossy in this way much more often.

I love Sarah very much.

Zack

A Glorious Way to End the Year..."

After more than 100 emails in the previous 2 days, Zack and I decided we had to meet this morning. He has been wanting to buy me a leather skirt, and I will admit, I have always wanted one. I checked a store on line, found a skirt I loved and we set the time to meet at the local outlet store. I still wasn't sure if I would let him purchase it for me - I have a bit of a hang up with someone else paying for things for me. I can't really even accept a gift graciously - there is always this feeling of "obligation", that nothing comes without a price tag, or a string or 2 attached.

We met about 30 minutes before the store opened. It was so wonderful to see Zack again!! True to form, the first thing I wanted to do was take him somewhere and fuck his brains out. I'm sure he thinks I only want him for sex - but being the total slut that he is, I doubt that would bother him much anyway! LOL.

We made out in my car, and we talked. We talked a lot about us, and where we were going in this relationship. We talked about my last blog post and what it would be like to be a 24/7 couple. I told him that I had forgotten one detail he would also be responsible for - keeping the fuckmobile clean and stocked with kleenex. He said he would gladly do that, so I told him he was hired. I think he likes the idea.

"What Will Be..."

What would life be for Zack and I as a 24/7 couple? Zack has asked Me to detail what that might be like - what would his role be and what would Mine be? Well, I have demonstrated a pretty creative imagination in the past, and I have a pretty good idea what Zack would like so, let's give it a try...

First of all, W/we would begin O/our life in a completely new city - one that works for U/us both and one where no one knows U/us. I like it warm, so My choice is San Diego - there are great job opportunities for Me there. I would work - possibly as a consultant from home, or perhaps as a college instructor. I would be the provider working outside the home. Oh, Zack could work, if he chose to and as long as I approved not only the work but the time invested as well; his first priority and obligation would be to Me and O/our home.

O/our home. How beautiful that sounds to Me. What a dream. I see U/us in a high rise apartment/condo overlooking the water. I would love lots of glass - lots of windows and lots of view. Being a bit of an exhibitionist, I would be delighted if other buildings had views into O/our home as well. Perhaps those folks would learn something about this kind of relationship. O/our furnishings would be contemporary and simplistic. Definitely appropriately coordinated. And to complete the picture, Zack would be there - naked, wearing his collar and ready to serve.

Since we would be new to the city, we would need to seek out other M/s couples. There is nothing better, I think, than sharing the lifestyle with friends. Everyone needs friends, and W/we would definitely have them. I actually love to entertain, in the right circumstances - and I can see Zack and I hosting many parties. Just think of the play possibilities!

Serving Sarah

As the new year dawns, I feel that Sarah and I are reaching a deeper understanding and an even deeper compatibility. This week, we focused some time on domestic chores. One of my most primal desires is to be her domestic slave. I want to wash dishes, clean the bathroom, and vacuum in the nude for her on an ongoing basis. I learned some new things about voluntary servitude. She was very open to this idea and, in fact, welcomed me as her domestic houseboy, which made me very happy.

Sarah doesn't fully realize how happy I am serving her. She thinks she gets it, but I don't think she comprehends the joy I feel when I do something as simple as fetch her a bucket of ice.

She is also talking a lot more about taking me to meet other couples, where she can put me on display as her slave. I welcome this completely.

I am Sarah's slut. I felt so good when she told me that she needs my submission just as much as I need her Dominance. I think 2012 is going to be a very good year.

Zack

Fantasizing again...

I am missing Zack like crazy - he wonders if I obsess about him - I'm here to say oh yeah, I obsess alright. I have this fantasy about kidnapping Zack and spiriting him away to a secret place where I will own him totally - there will be no outside world, no pressures, no interruptions for a couple of days. My realistic mind tells me this is just a fantastic dream of mine, a dream that will never materialize. But there is a part of me that thinks it just might happen if I want it bad enough. And I do want this to happen.. sooooo bad, I think more than anything I have ever wanted. As a result, the scenario has been in My head constantly this week..picking up Zack, locking him in the backseat, nice and secure and blindfolded, completely "in the dark" (in more ways than 1) about where W/we were going. I have the place all picked out - quiet, isolated, a place where no one knows U/us, a place where, if I chose, I could publicly show him off as My slutty slave - and for 2 full days he would be all Mine, My slave meeting only My needs and in doing that, feeling complete for the first time - W/we would both feel complete at last.

I will continue to fantasize - to dream of having Zack all to Myself. In the meantime, I am missing him so much. He is sick this week and all I want is for him feel better and I know I am just the person to do that for him. W/we both always feel better when W/we are together - I hope I get to hold him very soon.

Obsessing about Obsessions

Zack is feeling a little needy right now - he wants Me to write about My obsession for him. Now, I know I shouldn't indulge him too much, but I like keeping him on the edge, and since I practise orgasm denial on him, this keeps him nice and fired up.. it makes him much more willing to serve Me and as a result, makes him a much better slave.

Zack doesn't really have a clear idea of how obsessed I really am about him - suffice it to say, I have an obsessive personality at the best of times. I'm pretty sure I have ADD (so does he) because I am also very very impulsive as well. The combination of these 2 traits not only creates a lot of excitement, it can also cause Me some trouble as well. He knows a little, but he doesn't know how often I have "stalked" him over the past 2 years. Yes, I can be extremely obsessive. That said, I would never do anything that would harm him in anyway. This is NOT a "Fatal Attraction" kind of scenario.

Sarah's wish

I am honored that Sarah trusts me to find her a female slave. I will do this with all the sincerity and dedication I can muster.

I love Sarah. Her pleasure is what motivates me.

Zack

Just So I Am Clear...

The post below does not mean I am replacing Zack.. far from it! Adding a 2nd slave to our play will be as exciting for him as it will be for Me. While I play with the little bitch, Zack will be observing - and also learning new techniques and identifying things that he can do for me as well.

Of course, I will take great pleasure in forcing my 2 slaves to work together for my enjoyment. There are untold scenarios I can come up with!
But first things first - I need to create a list of preferences and then Zack has to figure out how to make it happen for Me. He is a smart boy, I am confident he will come through with a winner - that W/we can both enjoy.

Now I've Gone and Done It!...

I can't sleep. When I do, a new obsession fills my dreams. The dreams are so arousing that I masturbate to relax enough to go back to sleep - knowing the same dreams will re-occur, welcoming that.

In a recent post on the forum at Slaveduties BDSM Community, I talked about ordering Zack to find me another slave. That was a test - I wanted to see how he would respond. He responded perfectly, saying he would do his best to ensure my pleasure and my happiness, even though I know that sharing his Mistress is not on his list of desires.

I have never been with a woman, and have only occasionally fantasized about this throughout My life - never taking it seriously, never wishing to bring the fantasy to life. When I told Zack to find Me another slave, I told him to find a she-bitch. A very submissive woman who knows her place, who will welcome the pain/pleasure I would deliver, who would be as good a slut as I could ever want. A little bitch who would beg Me to use My crop, My teeth, clamps, My whip, My toys on her - and who would experience euphoria as a result.

I read several posts on the Slaveduties community forum last night, many of the posts written by the bitch slaves there - those little sluts have opened a floodgate of visions, of desires, of dreams for Me. Now "she" has occupied my mind, my dreams, my fantasies. Where I was only talking before, testing Zack, I now mean it. I want that little bitch slut under me, and I want her soon!

Zack is about to get some very specific orders - he had better be successful! 

Conditioning Zack for More Control..

Of all the things I want to do with Zack, fucking his ass is number 1 on My hit parade. This in itself is somewhat surprising to Me.. When Zack and I came to the revelation of O/our connection as Mistress and slave, he asked Me if I wanted to get a strap-on and fuck him in the ass. At that time, I was still trying to figure Myself out and how I fit into this life. Getting a strap-on was the furthest from My mind and I told him that. He admitted then that the idea made him very, very nervous as well,.

But, as time goes by, as W/we try different things, the idea keeps coming back to Me. So much so that now, My #1 goal is to fuck him in a way no one has ever done, or ever will do. I want to have the ultimate control and power over him. So, the "training" has begun.

I've done a crazy amount of reading on the topic, watched videos, and bought a variety of anal toys.(Before coming to this lifestyle I was soooo vanilla - and sex shops were evil places to avoid.. LOL - now they are my favourite hangout!) What I have learned is that this is going to be an amazing experience for Zack if  I do it right. As well as just plain old fucking his ass, I have purchased a prostate massager - the video I watched turned me on so much - the thought of turning Zack into that kind of a mindless, blubbering idiot is a huge turn on. So, today I told him that what I was going to do to him was this:  I will get him to accept the prostate massager into the gorgeous tight little ass of his. While he is experiencing that A spot orgasm, I will be fucking his face and sucking on his cock all at the same time. Talk about being fucked!! Zack is going to be one very lucky slave!

So, last week, I got as far as inserting the tip of My finger into his ass. You would have thought I was raping him, he got so worked up. So I stopped. In reflection, I think I am being a little too soft on him. He wants Me to do more, he wants Me to use him, abuse him,  he wants Me to humiliate him - and yet I have been holding back. It's time for me to get my big Mistress boots on and be who I need to be.

I'll make sure Zack posts his thoughts on last week's session, as well as subsequent ones.
Stay tuned!

It Never Takes Me Very Long...,

Zack says I have an insatiable appetite - he's right. But let's face it, he is such a slut he wouldn't have it any other way. So, here I am getting ready for bed and it's been 5 days since I have had the opportunity to use him the way he LOVES to be used. He loves being treated like so much meat.. One thing he finds particularly appealing is when I show up at his work, and order him to come to my car (he has nick-named it the "Fuckmobile"). Actually, I call him at his office and tell him to get his fucking ass into my car - NOW!  he does come running, that's for sure. He makes such a great sex toy -and he has the most perfect cock for me to ride.  And he isn't allowed to cum until he has been very very good. If he does, well, he knows there just might be a risk of him being replaced by a new slave who has a greater ability to restrain himself. The fact that he says I am "just too perfect, just too sexy" doesn't cut him any slack with me. I hope he always keeps this in the back of his mind - keeping him off kilter simply makes him a better slave.
he hasn't been very successful lately at holding off, so, he won't get the opportunity to feel that cock of his inside me anytime soon- which is most unfortunate, but it is a damned good thing his face is so perfect for fucking, because that's all he is going to get for a while.At least I am certain to have an explosive orgasm this way. Last week I fucked his face twice in very short order - I grin when I think about it, because he made the comment that the last time I fucked him like I "definitely meant it" - it was pretty intense.I wonder if he was even able to breath. lol.
I'm going to get him into the fuckmobile tomorrow afternoon - I'm horny and I need that mother fucker soon.
He is supposed to be posting his thoughts here about our last scene - I took him just beyond his edge, so it will be interesting to read that.
Now, it's time to sleep, and to dream (and probably masturbate) about Zack.

Good night, dear readers. Stay tuned.

Every Week a New Lesson...

I wonder when we will ever get the hang of this?
Both Zack and I were sick on the weekend - we were both experiencing dizziness for a couple of days. it was very weird.

Then, Zack sent me an email yesterday saying he was quite "down" - I knew imediately what that was about - unfortunately, he had fallen asleep on Thursday when I was reading to him from the website "The Science Behind BDSM" - he is experiencing "sub-drop". Ironically, i was feeling exactly the same way , but there was no mention of "Dom-drop" anywhere :-(

I kept searching - I mean, there is so much about subs and their care – sub space, after care, sub drop, yet, not a single word about what the Dominant goes through after a scene where she has pushed her slave to the limit and beyond. Maybe we are supposed to be unfeeling bitches that just do what they do and take everything in stride.. like our neurotransmitters remain constant, like we need nothing.. I simply don't beleive it. I suspect there are Doms out there that are EXACTLY like that, but I am not one of them. Lucky for me, I decided to check out one of my favorites sites The Steel-Door.

The entire article is very insightful, but primarily it explains how a Mistress also feels the drain from being the one "in control" whenever they are with their sub. I hope Zack has the time to read it. Not that he has these types of expectations on me, but sometimes I feel like I need to be "in control" whenever we are together. I guess it is a matter of feeling it is necessary for me to ensure his needs are met. i put the pressure on myself. Then, when we are apart I too experience that 'drop". We need to figure out a way to over come that.



OMG!!!...

I am basking in the deliciousness that is Zack. From my perspective, we had an absolutely fantastic afternoon. Zack came with the intent to please me and he came through in spades. He gave it his all. If there were ANY doubt (there wasn't, but if there were) about his ability to be my slut, it does not exist now. I was able to push him to his "edge" and a little bit beyond.

I am not sure he fully understands why I give him pain, or why I want that ass of his. The pain can be fully explained via the link I added this morning "The Science Behind BDSM". Read it, the info there is fascinating.

Turning Pain into Pleasure...

Zack has a hard time with pain. He is terrified of it. He wants to be able to handle it for Me, he wants to experience pain as pleasure, but doesn't know how. I'm trying to help him - I know what I have to do when I have to tolerate pain - I "go to my happy place" - but it's tough to explain the mechanism of that. So, true to form - I'm doing research. Here are some tips I found to how to make that nipple clamping, flogging, or spanking something you only want more of.

The pain in this world is inevitable. A good relationship finds a way to make the experience the best it can be.

Zack Continues to Amaze me...

I actually don't know what to say - What Zack wrote below is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said about Me, or to Me. I'm stuck for words, I am completely caught off guard by his passion and his very obvious devotion to Me.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives. I have planned things quite carefully, but we all know about the plans of mice and men...
"The best laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry" (Robert Burns, 1785)

We'll see if things go as planned, won't we??

Zack wrote me earlier and mentioned that he was experiencing a "little fear". A little fear is good now and then, especially in this kind of relationship. I intentionally keep him a little "off kilter" - this maintains his level of anticipation. An Alpha Bitch always strikes a little fear in the pack - it keeps them on their toes and paying attention. Zack needs to pay attention and to remember that although I love him desperately, I do demand a certain level of respect and servitude from him. I am not playing a game - this is very serious to me. I hope it is as serious to him. I guess we'll see, won't we??

Zack will receive an order to write his thoughts, feelings and impressions of the events of the day on this blog. I simply can't wait to read it

Sarah's feminine charms

I'm working, but I couldn't help but drag myself away because I needed contact with Sarah... even if it's just to read an email or a post from her on this blog.

Normally, I don't venture into all the links that Sarah has placed on this site. But this morning, I was curious to read the BDSM quote of the day. That was something I hadn't seen on the right hand side. I went there, and came across the following blog post. Here's part of what was written....

"Todays question: Do I really need to be a bitch to be dominant?...So yesterday I wondered on the soft side of being Domme. Do I really need to be a bitch to be perceived as a Domme? My answer is no. I actually think that my soft side gives the Domme side of me more impact. I am, in the beautiful sense, a real bitch to a man Sub to me but I am also a loving woman, and the woman side of me is whats makes me a great Domme. I am a powerful and strong minded woman but still in every sense a true woman will all the female attributes....I use my attributes and my strong will to get my Sub were I want...So as much as I love being a bitch I love being a woman - soft and strong at the same time and I do not in any way feel that that makes me any less dominant."
This could have been written by Sarah. She's so beautiful and so feminine. But she's also so strong and decisive. Her feminine side....her beauty, her smile, her love...these things hooked me. But I could sense there was a different undercurrent with her. She would decide when and how to fuck me. She took the initiative. She decided if she was going to do something outrageous, like oral sex in the fuckmobile. Gradually, I became more and more immersed and taken under her spell, to the point where I am now completely wrapped around her finger.

But even though she has a side of her that's a very Dominant Bitch, never lose sight of the fact that she's also a stunningly beautiful, feminine woman.

Any woman who is reading this and who is inspired by Sarah's journey should keep this in mind. Sarah is all woman. Nowhere is this more obvious than when she straddles me, on top, and takes my big hard cock inside her. FOR HER PLEASURE. It's not about me. It's about her. I love Sarah very much.

Zack

The Evolution of the Mistress and the slave...

And here we are, at long last. What I am feeling is quite difficult to explain, to analyze. I'll try.

I love the note Zack wrote below. This is one of those rare times when he has exposed his heart and shared what is there. He feels as I do: safe at last. He has shared his vulnerability. I need that. In a perverse sort of way it defines his suitability to become a very good slave.
I don't think I really believed that before.

I suspect I believed this was just a game he thought he wanted to play and that if the game got a little tough, if *I* got a little tough, he would pack up his toys and go home. In all aspects of my life, that has been the case: constant recriminations for being a strong willed, domineering bitch rather than the demure little lady. So the bitch has been kept under wraps for many years. The chained tiger has been aching to be set free.

I believe Zack now - I am not sure why now and not before, but it doesn't matter. I trust him when he says he will never leave, that there is nothing I could do that would make him leave me. I believe I am safe. I believe I am home.

Now, to Zack: just this one time you will get a pass for telling everyone what you want. It doesn't matter what you want. I will suck your cock when *I* want, I will fuck your face when *I* want. And about that- you like getting your face fucked too much. Its like a reward to you. So now, you are going to have to earn it with your servitude. I will have to come up with some tasks for you to complete if I am to fuck that beautiful face of yours.

Now, what do I want right now? I truly want to feel your tongue inside me, I want to feel you fucking me with your tongue. I want to feel you teasing my clit, driving me crazy until I can't take another second. I want to feel my head explode like it did on friday.

And now I have to go to work with soaking wet panties. I can't wait to get you tied to that bed on Thursday- of course that will be after I have truly marked you as my property before hand like the Alpha Bitch I am.
I am Woman - hear Me roar.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Sarah has arisen

Sarah is really asserting herself now.

This is having a two-fold effect on me.

1. The first primal reaction is intense desire. It's hard to even put into words the magnitude of the electrical jolt that pulsates through me.
2. The secondary reaction is some fear and anxiety over the unknown. What kind of world am I entering?

I trust and love Sarah. But I recognize that I am losing all control over this relationship. This is an exciting, albeit uncertain time.

She's extremely Dominant. She has this capacity within her, and not just sexually. I have awoken this inside her. She has finally found a situation where she can be herself in her totality.

This is exciting to be so raw and real and authentic. But I do worry about her fucking my virginal ass.

I loved her peeing on me, though. This was a new experience. The intimacy was intense. Maybe, just maybe, the pleasure will continue as we explore other areas of our loving M/s relationship.

Zack

Thoughts about Sarah

Sarah has really gotten into my core. I have avoided the blog because I had been posting at work, and this worried me.

Now, I can write freely. My attraction to Sarah is intensifying. I don't understand this, nor do I seek to understand this. I've become quite obsessed, practically addicted, checking my emails repeatedly throughout the day.

I want Sarah to live in my neighbourhood, and then I feel very guilty about this desire, almost like I don't deserve this for myself. I confuse her with my mixed signals, and this then makes me sad. She deserves clarity and she doesn't always get this from me.

You can see my note below, where I wrote that Sarah is showing a side of herself as a Hot Dominant Bitch. She's extremely loving, incredibly loving, but she also has this within her. I want her to know that I love her. And she can reveal this part of herself without fear of abandonment.

I know she has been reluctant because it's considered socially unacceptable. But I don't care about that.

The fact that she posted my comment on this blog---out of all the comments I made yesterday---suggests to me that at some level, it struck a chord.

Sarah likes hearing from me on the blog because I open up. She's correct. I am the kid in the candy store. I'm attracted to everything, but that doesn't mean that everything will always taste good. I need her guidance to lead me at the correct pace. She has done a spectacular job so far.

Iwish she was here to suck my cock. I wish she was here to push me on the bed and fuck me. I wish she could fuck my face.

I hope she's not too harsh on me when I get very excited. I can't help my deep sexual attraction for Sarah. It's just meant to be. I need Sarah. She keeps me grounded when everything is going astray.

The Way We Are...

I am seriously hoping that the "dry spell" this blog has been struggling under is soon over. Although I started this blog, and there shouldn't be an expectation for anyone else to post here, I find I get bored with it when Zack isn't around. I like reading what Zack has to say - he lets his real thoughts and feelings out here, I learn about him here. yes, we have been together almost 2 1/2 years and I am still learning about him. And we are both learning about ourselves.

Last Friday was sort of a "milestone" for us, I think. We seem to have moved forward.. in great strides.
Today, Zack sent me this e-mail:

"I like this message from you.
At this point in your life, it appears like you need a slave to boss around and fuck...just as I need what only you can give: stern demanding commands underscored by deep love.
We're both coming to terms with the fact that it turns me on to be your complete slut, just as you must have ownership to feel fulfilled.
You're a hot Dominant Bitch. Just thinking about you this way gets me close to cumming, but I won't, because I know it's not permitted."

What I had written was:

You did this - you finally trust me. That trust has allowed you to feel what's inside and to share it with me, knowing you are safe. The impact of that has resulted in me doing the same.


I want you. I WANT to own you, I WANT you as my boy toy, I WANT to control you - and not just sexually (but at this point I'll take what I can get). Not only do I want this for me, for me to take/have that control over someone but because I also know that this kind of relationship makes you feel as complete as I do, brings you as much pleasure as I get.

I have always loved you, from the very first day, but I have not always been happy. There have been times when I have been downright miserable and as a result have made you miserable as well. But "something" made us stick it out, and something made me watch that particular interview (about Dominatrix).

This path we are on is the one we are destined to travel. Being your Mistress is the very best feeling in the world.

I have never felt so strong, so confident. You did that.

Your reward will be endless experiences at my desire, at my will. You will serve me as I wish - sexually for now, but I want to be confident that there is hope for more in the future (and before I am too old to wield the crop or wear those boots lol)

One day I WILL have you naked at the door waiting for your Mistress to arrive home.
One day.

We are spending next Thursday afternoon together. I will order Zack to write about it here. Trust me when I tell you - It is going to be an afternoon neither of us will ever forget.

Sometimes it is Just Too Hard to Analyse....

(This was written Nov. 19 - Zack and I have discussed this, but I still wanted to include this here. I do not know when, or if, Zack will ever get on here to add his thoughts)
It's been a tough week. I had hoped Zack would have gotten on here to share his thoughts and feelings about the last afternoon we spent together. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, and that has ended up to be a challenge for me.

In our relationship there is a desire by us both to have new experiences. Zack is very much my little boy in the candy shop - he thinks he wants it all. But as we all know, the candy always looks great, but doesn't necessarily taste the way we hoped - sometimes it can be very distasteful indeed. My focus is always on what is good for him and it is very important to me that every experience he has is a good one.

Some time ago, as we were making out in my car, Zack asked me about the idea of peeing on him, of christening him with my urine. As it was, this was something we both thought we wanted to try. I had no idea how I would feel about it, and there is no way Zack could either. He asked me what was holding us back if we both wanted it?? What was holding me back was the fear that we would do this, and the experience would be so bad for him that he would somehow turn away from me as a result. He has constantly tried to reassure me that this would never happen - but how could he know that for sure?

When we spent our last afternoon together, I pulled out all the stops - there were many new things we engaged in.  There was punishment for Zack as a result of a previous infraction (the crop got a work out on his ass), hot waxing his ass again, as well as some very specific attention being paid to his very virginal, but deliciously enticing, ass. (yep, his ass got a lot of attention that day!) - and then there was the christening. This was the hardest for me - and I watched him the entire time looking for his response. Afterwards, Zack was adamant that he enjoyed every moment. I wanted so much to believe him. I asked him to write his thoughts and perceptions here. What happen after that was solely as a result of my own insecurities.

I knew he was very busy at work. I knew that there were many things going on in his life that prevented him from both writing here and keeping in touch with me. What he was able to tell me afterwards was that he had to process everything that had gone on. I was able to  bask in the afterglow of that afternoon for a few days - actually more than a few days. But the lack of connection with Zack took it's toll and my inner demons reared their ugly heads. One thing that about human nature is that we have to always make sense of those things that are important to us. If we don't have all the facts, then we just make up what seems reasonable to us - we create our own story, regardless of what the truth may actually be. And that is exactly what I did.

Since I wrote this, Zack and I have discussed that afternoon. He assures me he will never leave me, he will never turn away from me. I need to beleive him. I need to stop letting my insecurities take me over.

Three Paths - Only 1 Option?

I had a discussion last week with someone who gave me things I need to consider. The one point that stood out for me was that I needed to "stop waiting" for my life to begin. He was referring to my current living arrangements and my marriage.
My life is far from done, but I  keep waiting - always waiting for someone else to make the first move, someone else to change in a way that will result in me being more content within my life.
And now I realize that I need to practise what I preach - no one can be responsible for your happiness except yourself. I can't wait for anyone else- I am the one who has to change.
So I am back to my 3 paths - but 1 and 2 don't really seem like viable options at the moment. Unless I can come up with an other option, #3 will have to be seriously considered. Why can't life be simpler where people can just live happily ever after?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And Then Everything is Right in the World....

Let Me use an old euphemism "all's right with the world" - at least with MY world. I spent the most delicious time with Zack today - and plenty of it. (of course, I can always spend more time with Zack, but today was awesome) there were many new experiences for both of us, but I am going to let Zack tell you all about it. Suffice it to say, I feel much closer to and more in control of Zack. He proved to me today that he is committed to this relationship and to serving Me in the way a good slave should. He is eager to be trained, equally as eager to please.

We had an interesting discussion today as well. Zack is desperate to do anything for Me so that my needs are met, so that I am happy, and to prove his devotion. He gave an example: if I wanted to tie him to a chair, bring in another man and force him to watch Me fuck him, he would do that if it were something I wanted and it made Me happy. My response was that even IF that scenario were something I wanted to play out, I don't believe it would make him feel secure or happy, and there is no way I could ever intentionally set up something that would hurt him. Zack means everything to Me and causing him any kind of emotional distress is beyond anything I could ever do.

Then I reminded him of another scenario I had proposed. Zack took a trip to new Orleans last summer. I wanted to go with him - this was I suggested we could do: We would go to a lesbian bar there. He would sit off somewhere and watch Me hit on another woman. He would watch while I kissed her, touched her breasts, maybe even slide my hand up under her skirt. then, I would take him and her back to the hotel, tie him to a chair and then force him to watch me fuck HER. Then I would fuck him. And if we were very lucky, perhaps she would fuck him as well - but not his cock. His cock is ALL mine. no one gets that cock. I would let her fuck his face only. I would keep him restrained and blindfolded while she did that. I suspect he may not want to, but too bad - his face is Mine to use as I wish. After she was done, she would pay for his services and leave. THEN, he would get all of my attention.

I think this scenario appeals to Zack. I know it appeals to Me. I just have to get him away to another city, away from here.

After Zack tells you his thoughts about today's activities, I'll share Mine with you. Enjoy!

And The World Tilts Sideways...

I don't know what is happening. Suddenly, I am feeling... well, I am not sure what I am feeling, except a heightened consciousness of Zack. Sure, I have had him in My mind night and day for the past 27 months (and one would think that the excitement, passion and sheer lust wold have worn off or at least diminished by now) but this is new. I hear his voice in My sleep - loud enough to wake Me up, My skin feels his touch long after we have parted, I can still feel his cock buried deep inside Me from yesterday. Suddenly, I WANT this man more than I ever thought possible. My lust for him is insatiable.

Perhaps this is in anticipation of what is to come, a response to the new level our relationship has arrived at. I can feel the Dom coming out in Me - not only with Zack, but in other aspects of My life as well. The feeling is strongest around Zack, but that strength lingers and is now becoming part of who I am at work and in My home life as well.

I've seen a change in Zack. I suspect he is going through an "awakening" of his own. He is giving himself over to me in a greater capacity than before. He is allowing it to become a part of him. I feel that, I sense the desire in him, and I know that he wants and NEEDS this as much as I do.

We are hoping to get some '"play" time next Thursday. I've told Zack that play is going to be more intense, more experiential than ever before. He knows he is going to be disciplined for his indiscretions the last time we were together - selfishly orgasming while I deliriously fucked his face. I am also bringing out the hot wax again - this time I will be better prepared so it won't be so messy in the room (wax flakes EVERYWHERE!! LOL). He will not only feel the burn of the spanking he is going to get but the hot wax on his ass that will follow. Those endorphins should be flowing strong by then. He is going to get fucked every way I can think of. And at some point in the day he will be baptised by My hot urine. Something about this, doing this to him and for the both  of us goes directly to the core of My being, the very most primal part. Yesterday, Zack and I got together for a visit. Can I tell you that just being in his presence causes Me to feel things I had no idea was inside me. I had told him earlier in the week that the next time we play, he will experience My ownership in a new way - he was going to feel the heat of my urine raining on him. We were kissing and he whispered in my ear "I want that, I want you to pee on me. You want to do it, you want it as well, so what is holding us back?" The answer? Nothing, nothing but time and opportunity. His question sent a rush through My body, My mind spun. That was when I ordered him into the back seat of the car - I needed to fuck him right then and there. I needed to settle the rush in my head. I orgasmed almost immediately. It did little to minimize the arousal, the lust, the intense passion I was feeling. I'm doomed. I love it.

I am being consumed. I like it. I welcome it. I am excited for what is to come.

Reflections...

While I drive to work my mind is always in action. This morning, after listening to Brian Melo's song "Anywhere But Here", I had to reflect on my current situation. I no longer feel regret over the last 20 or so years of my marriage, I just wish it were over. For a number of reasons, it can't be, so here I am - listening to a song I can easily relate to; my future is anywhere but here.

Which leads me to Zack and our relationship. I had never had an affair before, there has never been anyone else in my life but my husband. But there came a point in my life when I was examining everything in it, and along came Zack.

I Can't Sleep...

Thoughts of my meeting with Zack yesterday afternoon are filling My mind, making it impossible to sleep.
Every encounter seems to open another door for us to step through. Yesterday I saw (on his face) and heard (in his voice as well as in his words) how much Zack wants My Domination, NEEDS My Domination, and I realize how much I need to Dominate him. He is quite right - My confidence in this IS deepening with every date we have. What is curious, and I think unique to us, is that I don't have these feelings, this need, for anyone else. I have a husband whom I suspect just might welcome a certain level of sexual dominance from Me, yet I have no interest there. Zack tells Me the same- that he only feels this way with Me. He only want ME as his Mistress.

Zack, Zack, Zack....

My darling, I do not want you to feel any insecurities. When I say "time will tell" it simply means that over time we will see how things evolve. Nothing more than that.


I PROMISE TO NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I WILL NOT DISRUPT YOUR LIFE. That would hurt you and that is the very last thing I want to do. We will work around the obstacles so that we both get what we want and need from this relationship.
 
Each time we are together we seem to make a new discovery about each other. Today was no different. I needed you so desperately today - My almost instant orgasm when your beautiful, huge cock slid inside Me was clear evidence of how much. Even I was caught off guard by it.
 
We both want more in this relationship. You are ready to surrender yourself to Me. I am ready to take us both to greater heights in this relationship. Our only stumbling block will be time and opportunity. I hope we can work around our limitations because I want to play with you - I want to do it all, experience it all, but I do not want to rush you. I want to build you up to these experiences so that not only can you look forward to them, but you can get extreme pleasure from them as well.
 
I do not take you or this relationship for granted. It is serious to Me, and you are the most important person in my life. Your joy and happiness is paramount in My mind.
 
I love you.
Sarah

response to Sarah's last post on structure

This note of Sarah's offered me insights that I hadn't considered. I feel Sarah's desire to Dominate more fully, more completely, and more frequently. Consciously, I welcome this.

Perhaps Sarah is right about some unconscious resistance. But if it is unconscious, it's invisible to me. I have always had some resistance to authority. Maybe it's because authority figures have often let me down. I don't feel that Sarah will let me down, but I do worry when I see her write words like "time will tell". It heightens my insecurity somewhat.

We both know that I could fall into 24/7 servitude, which would thoroughly disrupt my life. I definitely have this in me. Sarah knows this, too.

Zack

Sarah is my true Mistress. My Mistress always knows what is best for me, even when I don’t or might not agree. Because she is my Mistress it is my duty and desire to be her perfect slave, to follow all of her orders and instructions without question and to do everything in my power to please her. My Mistress brings balance and fulfillment to my life; without her I am no longer whole.

This is my mantra. I must never forget it. Mistress owns me in all ways, including my mouth.
She can use my mouth whenever she likes. I'm so happy to know that she is really coming to a point where she loves fucking my face.

She still doesn't get how much I enjoy that. The first time she did it was like a dream come true. It's what I've always desired --- being used like a cheap slut.

She can do whatever she wants with me.

Zack

Sarah's confidence level

I feel that Sarah is becoming increasingly confident and sure of herself. She has always had this quality, but it's becoming even more apparent to me.

She's growing into her role as a 24/7 Dominant. It really is a major part of her being, and one that she wasn't fully aware of in the past.

I find myself extremely attracted to her inner strength and this self-assurance she carries with her. Her career has taken off in recent years. I think this is related to the way others see her.

Sarah commands respect. She deserves respect. And when she's feeling a bit cranky, I hope that she feels comfortable driving over to my work area, ordering me to join her in the fuckmobile, and forcing me to service her orally. A good slave does what he's told.

I want to be Sarah's good slave. I don't always succeed. But this is what makes me feel complete.

Zack

Sarah, Zack and Structure..

It's like "Structure" has become our problem child. To hear Zack talk, you would have thought I was trying to pack him up into a nice tight box, and that is ridiculous. I am as unstructured as the he is, maybe even more so if I allowed it. This is the little boy in him - pushing back at an authority figure trying to control him - wanting it, but not wanting it all at the same time. Again, he doesn't understand that I DO know what is best for him and again, I can't help but feel that he is not yet into this 100%. that, or he is simply confused about my expectations. I do not doubt that he loves Me, that he needs Me, that he wants My Dominance, I just think he hasn't gotten to a point of total acceptance - not yet. His subconscious is doing the "push back".

Sarah and structure

Sarah believes I need structure, but I don't think she's aware that I've never had structure in my life. I basically raised myself, and the whole notion of having a structured, planned life is a very foreign concept.

I know she is trying to introduce structure because she knows it's best for me. I think she wants to structure my diet as well.

Then when I don't respond well to this, she feels I'm somehow disrespecting her.

I'm not sure that Sarah fully comprehends why I have such trouble with structure. I hope she never confuses this difficulty I have with a lack of love for her, because there is no lack of love.

I adore Sarah. I adore the way she looks at me. I adore her wild side. She's unpredictable. I need her control in my life. Without it, I'm lost at sea.

Zack

Structure is a Struggle...

I gave Zack a task. I thought it would be fairly simple: he was to memorize a few statements I prepared for him and repeat them to himself every time he is in the shower. I told him that the next time I saw him, he would be required to repeat it to me.

5 days later we got together to play. At a moment I knew he wouldn't be on guard, I asked the question.

He looked at me rather sheepishly and said, in his little boy voice "I think I'm going to be punished". He hadn't followed the instructions he had been given.

I was actually surprised at how this made me feel. I thought I would feel it was no big deal, but instead I was very disappointed. I took it very personally, even though I know Zack was not acting out of a lack of respect. I knew he had a bad week going on, but in hindsight, I felt my attempt to bring some structure to his life had been discarded. He had told me that "structure" makes him anxious, and this felt like pushback.

Disappointing me was very upsetting to zack. His distress almost broke my heart. How could I be upset? I forgave him, but he needs to understand that I DO know what is best for him and when I give him instructions they are given with careful consideration with his life and work, but I do expect them to be followed.
Sent from my BlackBerry