A few years ago, I found myself examining my life. I had a great family, a great career, good health... and yet, I felt empty. Something was missing. Something very important. I had no idea what it was, but I knew, I KNEW, I had to find it.
A co-worker mentioned an online dating service she belonged to. I was married, such activity for me was forbidden and yet, I was drawn to at least checking it out. I have no idea why. The idea of having an affair had never crossed my mind before - well, perhaps in fantasies, but this was no fantasy. This was happening for real. What the hell was I thinking??
Before I knew it, I had a profile created and I was surfing. I found a couple of profiles I thought were interesting - I was just fooling around, right?? This wasn't going to go anywhere, right? This was merely for distraction, entertainment. I connected with a couple of men by including them as my "favorites".
One wrote me back almost immediately. It was Zack. Initially we had the same attraction - he was 10 years younger, i was 10 years older. We were both married and neither wanted anything but to correspond with someone who was as alone as the other, and we were both lonely people. We wrote a couple of emails back and forth, but in short order we decided we were not a "good fit". He felt I was far too controlling (I worked in management) and the "light BDSM" in his profile (once I looked up the meaning) scared the bygeezers out of me. Yes, I was very naive.
(NOTE: Remember this - the irony of it all can not be forgotten)
I moved on to door #2. I connected with Paul and before I knew it, he had swept me off my feet. We shared emails, we talked on the phone and in very short order, we arranged to meet. The chemistry between us was unbelievable. I had experienced nothing like it and we really connected right away. The one thing I really remember is that he had the most incredible blue eyes - eyes I couldn't get enough of, eyes that locked me to him. I had never felt anything like it. A month later, he was going to Toronto for a business trip. We made arrangements to meet at a hotel when he came back. We had decided to take this to the "next level". I was in "love". And I was about to do something incredibly stupid.
The day before he was to arrive back, he called me. His wife wanted to "take a break" and have the 2 of them go away alone together. He felt he owed it to her to try to repair their marriage. He was right, of course. But he asked me to wait, that in 3 weeks he would be in touch and we could take it from there. Well, I was pretty much beside myself at this point, but instead of coming to my senses and telling him to take a hike, I waited. And as promised he called me 3 weeks later. He wanted to see me. He NEEDED to see me. Things were looking up. We made a date for the following week.
On my way to the date I picked up lunch - we were meeting in a park and I figured a picnic would be fun. I was excited - I had not seen Paul in a month and I had missed those eyes (and the rest of him) terribly. I was floating on cloud 9 that afternoon. When he drove up, my heart was pounding out of my chest. But when he got in my car I knew the game was over. He adored me, he said. He had missed me like he never had known he would, he said. He couldn't give up on his marriage, he said. And if he continued seeing me, that is what he would be doing.
Do you have any idea how hard the fall is from cloud 9?? Really? He tried to kiss me good-bye, but I refused. All I could do was look straight forward and say "I wonder how long it will take to stop thinking of you every single minute of every single day". He got out of my car and he was gone. Forever.
I cried. A lot. I knew he wasn't coming back. I went back to the dating site again. And I kept wandering back to Zack's profile. Regardless of our unsatisfactory encounter some months before, I was somehow drawn to him. I read his profile over and over before I got up the courage to finally email him. But email him I did. I asked him if he was interested in trying this again, that something in his profile had struck a cord in me. I have no idea what it was, but it was there. He responded, saying yes, he was interested.
For the next month we spent hours everyday "together" either through email, on MSN IM, or on the phone. what we discovered was that we really did have a LOT in common, and not just interests. One of the first things we discovered was that both of us had lost our mothers at a very young age - he was 12, I was 11. But more than anything, we were very comfortable with each other. I told him things I had never told anyone, he reciprocated. By the time we met in person, it was like we had known each other forever.
The day we met was a magical day. It was a Friday morning and we were meeting in the city for breakfast. We had only exchanged pictures, all I really knew he was tall with dark hair. And, that he was 10 years younger than I. I had a lot of anxiety - would he think I was too old for him? I got to the hotel early and was waiting for him. I will never forget the moment he taped me on the shoulder, saying "Sarah"?.
