So, Gavin got back from his business trip. Seems he had been "doing some thinking" and thinks he needs to get his life straightened out before he takes on a new relationship. So, before it even got started, it's over. Go figure.
I told Zack that my biggest fear about leaving the apartment was that he wouldn't find any time for me. He says he will always find time somehow for us. Big talk. Except for the hour last week, we have barely connected in the past month. I think this is another relationship that is over. His wife is becoming more demanding of his time -despite his assurances that she is getting better and therefore would require less of his time. His work is one crisis after another, despite his assurances that "next week" will be better.
Zack lives in this fantasy world where everything he wants will happen, every wish he has will come true. And I live in a fantasy world where he is right, where his wife and my husband cease to exist and we will be together, where we will have the 24/7 relationship we so keenly desire.
But, I just woke up from a number of dreams (admittedly, in one I was fucking Usher all night, but that isn't what this is about) and I realize that it is not only time to accept reality, it is time to come clean with the readers of this blog. It is time for Zack to wake up and tell me what is real - there is no room for me in his life - anywhere, anytime. No matter what his wishes are, no matter what he wants, no matter who he truly is - there is no place for me. And no matter what my wishes are, no matter what I want, no matter who I truly am, I need to also wake up and hear what is real - there is NO place for me in his life.
And here is where I come clean. You know how Zack and I met, you know our situation, you know what the past 4 years have been. You have been here through the deterioration. You have seen this coming long before I have. Well actually - that isn't really true. I have seen it coming, I have just chosen not to believe it, not to accept it. Zack is the love of my life. He always will be. I will never deny him any request, whatever he asks of me, he will get. But there will never be a BBC in my life. There will never be another toy, another slave, or another love. I am tired. And I am done.
You see, what you don't know is that it is true that I live in a marriage where there is no passion, no sex, no romance, not even any companionship. It's what happens after spending 43 years with the same person. And while it is true that I am 10 years older than Zack what you don't know is that Zack will be 53 years old in Aug. That means, yes, I will be 63 years old in Sept. 63.I am simply a stupid old woman who actually should have known better. But for the past 4 years, I lived in a fantasy where I finally had my very own Prince Charming who had come to rescue me. For the past 4 years, I have successfully fooled myself in to believing I had finally found what I had sought my entire life. Oh, Zack has truly been my Prince, I love him more than life. He showed me what is possible, he showed me what passion felt like. He always did say he could never give me what I wanted. He was only half right - I wanted to feel love and passion and he gave me that, he gave me even more than I had ever dreamed for.
But I want him. I want to grow even older with him. I want him in my bed with me when I am 70, 80, 90 yrs old. I want HIM beside when when I die. Just him. Only him. I believe Zack wants that too. But the reality is that just wanting this does not, can not, will not make it happen. And the very character traits that I love so much about Zack will prevent it from ever happening. Despite our affair, he is an honorable man and he will never deny his wife or his job the time and devotion he believes they are entitled to. They are his obligations, his life, his reality. and they always will be. I finally admit that. I finally believe that. I wonder if Zack has come to that realization as well?
I am so tired. I am tired of trying to have what I clearly will not. I am trapped in a loveless marriage and I am doomed to end my life there. This is my reality. And, since the fantasy is over, dear readers, so is this blog. This will be my very last post.
And at the end of it all - I love you, Zack. I will always love you.
Sarah
.
