I'm doing ok. I am having good days and bad days - today happens to be a bad one.
I got a few emails from zack on Sunday and Monday. he doesn't agree with me. He continues in his usual mindset of "once I get through this week..." he continues to think he can see that light at the end of the tunnel. he hasn't figured out that the only way that light will be lit again is if he runs down that fucking tunnel and switches it on himself. No one is going to fix this for him. H doesn't see what I see, and doesn't understand what I am feeling. For example, every Thursday morning he does a 10 minute radio interview. This is not part of his job - he does it because he enjoys it. I listened to him this morning. he was cheerful, chipper even. He would not understand how it feels to know that he would rather do that than see me. He would never pass up that Thursday radio spot so he could meet me for coffee. He would rather do anything else. I am learning that I am so far down on his fucking totem pole, i might as well be the part stuck in the ground.
But in his eyes, I am being dramatic.
I left him a voice message this morning. I told him I would be working at the apartment all day today and tomorrow and that if he wanted to come over he could - but that this just may be his last opportunity.
I still love him. I am the biggest sucker that ever existed, but I still love him. That won't keep me from moving on, however. he is replaceable.
As Always,
Love Sarah
