THIS BLOG IS NOW CLOSED.

Recovery...

Yesterday was such an amazing day - I am not even sure where to start.

Zack arrived about 30 minutes ahead of Marty. He had a job to do, and he executed it very well. It was all I could do not to just let go and orgasm all over his face. I was more than ready to experience that big black cock when it arrived.

Marty let me know when he was in the lobby. I got zack hooded and kneeling in the corner where I thought he would have the best view. Remember, at this point I was still very concerned about how he was going to react - it's one thing to have an erotic fantasy in your head but it is quite another to experience it. So in his corner he was to stay.

Marty arrived - MAN!! this guy is super fantastic. He is good looking, intelligent, funny, open minded and a great kisser.  If I had to fault him on anything it would be that he isn't as tall as I prefer. Oh, he is taller than I am, but I really like men over 6'. But you know what? Height doesn't fucking matter when you are horizontal. and I was dying to see if his body was a match with his picture. He stood there grinning as I began to undress him. When I got his shirt off I was privileged to have the most magnificent chocolate body i have every laid hands to standing in front of me. ME! And he was here for me to use as I chose. Where of where to begin?

I got his pants off next. Then off came his boxer shorts and out sprang a very large, very thick erect cock.

We agreed to safe sex (always!) so I had him put on a condom immediately - because i wanted that cock NOW.  I slid down his body and took that cock into my mouth and I worked it. I knew he liked what I was doing because he was groaning and moaning and pumping. I could see zack - I wish I could have seen his face! I sucked on that cock for a while, but I knew I wanted it inside me. I stood up and pushed him down on the bed. I straddled him and pinned his hands. I told him i wanted that cock in me and i wanted it now. He grinned at me impishly and said "Do you think you are woman enough?" I'll show him how much of a woman I am.

I will admit, however, that it was a bit of a challenge. The picture is deceiving - his cock is huge! Even I wondered if I was going to be able to accommodate it. However, I was very wet and before long I had slid the entire length of into me. He filled me up, that was for sure.  But I have to admit that the whole time I was fucking this toy, zack was on my mind. I was not totally into Marty as a result. Regardless, I did orgasm - just not the mind blowing orgasm I always experience with zack. I then let him cum, after asking him if he were man enough. He grinned and said "I'll show you whose man enough". When he was done I asked him to leave. I really needed to check on zack. When I looked over at him, he was curled up in a ball on the floor. That scared me - a lot.

He was ok - just cold because he was right next to the air conditioner. After Marty left, I had zack get into bed with me so we could talk about what had just happened.  You've read what he wrote - he enjoyed himself and enjoyed watching me fuck this black man. I was very relieved.  I love him very much and I will not do anything that will hurt him in anyway. Not Now, Not ever. No matter what I might want.

As you know (from zack's post) I fucked him then. My God! Did I fuck him. I orgasmed - I think the most powerful orgasm I have ever experienced. I know it was because now I was relaxed and now i was feeling the whole experience as it should be felt - in all of its erotica. Zack blew my mind.

We talked a little more, then zack had to leave. I had the day off, and suddenly I was starving - I ordered the biggest breakfast I had ever ordered and ate the entire thing. And then I had a nap.

What an absolutely fantastic day this was. I can't wait to do it again.

.

incredible

Today, it happened...a mind-blowing experience.

Mistress took a black lover in front of me as I slavishly sat silently in the corner of the room.

I never saw his cock...she told me later it was huge.

Just thinking about what happened sends a sexual charge through me.

He was gracious and caring and considerate. And Mistress was able to enjoy him immensely, and followed that up by fucking me.

It was an incredible privilege. Mistress handled this situation so well. I'm a lucky slave.

slave zack

A New Toy...

I met Marty today at a local tea lounge. He is a very intelligent, refined, attractive, respectful black man who loves sex almost as much as I do. He is funny, very well built and well endowed (I explored that later). I had made the arrangements and let Zack know the place and time. Understand that I was still uncertain about Zack's responses to all of this so it was essential he be eased into it. We agreed that he would be at the at the meeting, but unknown to Marty. I arrived ahead of Marty (he got tied up at work) and zack was already there, sitting at a table working away on his computer. I got a drink and sat near the back of the shop where zack could watch our interactions..

Marty arrived, introduced himself and went to get a drink. I could see that he was checking me out while he stood in line. I was checking him out as well. We sat there talking for about 45 min - openly about ourselves and about what we were going to engage in. Now, in advance of this I set up a signal for zack: if, when we were leaving, I hugged Marty, it meant he was leaving but would come to our hotel room in the morning to play. If that happened, zack was to immediately come to the hotel room. If I took Marty's arm, it meant he I was taking him to the hotel room right then and zack was to come to the hotel lobby and wait for him to leave. If we went out and simply went in separate directions, it meant that we had agreed this was not going to happen between us and zack was to come to the hotel room then.

When we got up to leave, I took his arm as we walked past zack and  I will let zack tell you how that felt to him.

I brought Marty to the hotel. We laid on the bed and talked for a while. He is interested in progressing to complete sexualk domination by me. He asked me if I would spank him - I told him only if he wanted me to. I get the feeling he wants me to. We kissed, we made out for awhile. He told me how incredibly sexy I was and he was very much looking forward to this experience with us. I didn't fuck him then because zack and I went into this together and I want to assure zack that he is not being replaced. To do that I do not want him to be left out - I want him present the first time I use this black man as my toy.

Tomorrow morning, zack is to arrive first. His job is to get me "ready" to fuck this black toy. His job will be to get me aroused. He will then put his hood on, and will be on his knees in the corner when Marty arrives. He is not to speak, he is not to interfere (unless I order him to), he is not to move. For all intents and purposes, he does not exist. Marty will be ordered to ignore that pathetic thing in the corner, he is just a worthless object taking up space for the time being.

I am a bit nervous about tomorrow. I am worried about zack and how this will make him feel. It is very important that he be here when Marty arrives, and is here when Marty leaves. I need to make sure he is ok before I send him on his way.

We will keep you posted.

OK, here I am..

I haven't posted here in a long time, and I was reluctant to do so now, but I wanted our readers to understand where our relationship is currently.
Our relationship has changed - it had to. I am exploring alternatives without any guilt.. Zack is simply not available to meet my demands when I need them met. We have not spent any length of time together for over 2 months (since I let the apartment go) - and that has been extremely hard.

I cannot sit around waiting, he can not handle the stress my "expectations" put on him. So, I have made a connection with a young man I have known for some time and with whom I have engaged in a mutual "flirtatious" game during that time. I am now prepared to take it to the next level with him - I believe he is submissive, but may not be fully aware - I will break him in gently.

But I need sex, I need to feel a big cock inside me again. Once a month is just not enough. I also need to take my relationship with Zack to the next level. he may never have sex again - he may simply become my servant - preparing things for my dates, sitting quietly by while I fuck and suck someone else, ever ready to do my bidding - if I order him to suck cock, he will be expected to.. as a matter of fact, the idea of having him on his hands and knees, with his head held firmly between my thighs while my toy fucks his mouth is extremely appealing.. and hopefully it's a big black one - I want to see him gag on it, knowing that he has no choice in the matter.

So, it's one day at a time. But don't think my feelings for him have changed - Zack is still the love of my life. I need him in my life some how, some way - right now, this seems the best way..

thinking of Mistress

Mistress is upping the ante. She may be on the verge of training a second slave.
Plus, she could be fucking more black cock by the end of this week, possibly in my presence.
I'm a very lucky whoreboy.

slave zack

I'm really missing Mistress

On Mistress's instructions, I posted an ad a week ago seeking a black lover for her. We received numerous replies, which I dutifully forwarded to Mistress Sarah.

Today, a late arrival came. This applicant may have been a bit too young for Mistress's desires. But when I saw a photo of his big black cock, it gave me a jolt thinking about what Mistress might do with him.

Mistress has not commented on this email. Nor has she given me any indication which, if any, of the applicants she may have decided to contact. I don't know if  she has gone on any dates or if she's contemplating this.

None of this is my business, ultimately. She knows I'll remain devoted no matter what she does because my submission is unconditional.

Tomorrow, she might whisper in my ear about her recent out-of-town trip, where she ended up playing with the big black cock you see in the earlier post.

I'm looking forward to that.

slave zack

Mistress Sarah's chocolate desire

I've been getting very horny about Mistress Sarah's desire for chocolate, which seems to almost be consuming her these days.

I used to feel proud that Mistress loved my cock. But she has learned there are cocks much bigger than her slave's.

I'm happy Mistress is finding more pleasure in life.

On a certain level, I just hope and hope and hope that I never become redundant.

I need Mistress.

slave zack

What a Fucking Whore......

...zack is. he is so attentive right now and he wants to know everything that went on between Devon and I.
I have decided i love black men with big black cocks - i need to find one locally that wants to play.
because i want to play - and the bigger the cock, the better.

What I want to know

Mistress Sarah dropped by for a visit this afternoon.
I needed to see her after her out-of-town trip.
I was so turned on because she looked absolutely ravishing.
She opened the rear door of her car and had me sit inside.
I wanted to hear details about what she did with the man who's picture is two images below.
I wanted to know if she sucked his cock.
I wanted to know how much of it she could take in her mouth.
I wanted to know if she made him cum with her talented mouth.
I wanted to know how many times she made that big black cock cum.
I wanted to know how many orgasms she had with her new friend.
I wanted to know what she told him about me.
I wanted to know if she's planning on inviting him to our town.
But she took pity on me and didn't tell me these things...because she didn't want me to cum when she fucked me.
I was a good slave. She fucked me and had a powerful orgasm. And I kept control.
Mainly because she didn't tell me all the things I wanted to know.
If she had told me everything, I doubt I would have been as successful.
I want to be a fantastic slave for Sarah.
That's because I love Sarah.

slave zack

Feeding Zack's Desires...

Enough Said...

Zack's message

Mistress Sarah has stopped posting, but that doesn't prevent me, her slave, from posting. She is off to an out-of-town conference.

This morning before she left, she informed me that she may try to find a black man to fuck while she's away.

As you can imagine, this aroused me incredibly. Regular readers of this blog know that Mistress Sarah has an attraction for black men.

One day, she plans to force me to watch her suck on a big black cock, fuck a big black cock, and have me observe her and her lover having orgasms this way.

As her slut, I'm very eager to experience this.

For now, however, I'm hoping that if she finds what she's seeking at the conference that she'll share the details with me.

It's indescribably erotic thinking of Mistress orgasming in this way...and having a black man cum inside her.

One day when she does this, I hope I'm present so she can immediately fuck my face afterward.

slave zack

It's Time to Come Clean..

So, Gavin got back from his business trip. Seems he had been "doing some thinking" and thinks he needs to get his life straightened out before he takes on a new relationship. So, before it even got started, it's over. Go figure.

I told Zack that my biggest fear about leaving the apartment was that he wouldn't find any time for me. He says he will always find time somehow for us. Big talk. Except for the hour last week, we have barely connected in the past month. I think this is another relationship that is over. His wife is becoming more demanding of his time -despite his assurances that she is getting better and therefore would require less of his time. His work is one crisis after another, despite his assurances that "next week" will be better.

Zack lives in this fantasy world where everything he wants will happen, every wish he has will come true. And I live in a fantasy world where he is right, where his wife and my husband cease to exist and we will be together, where we will have the 24/7 relationship we so keenly desire.

But, I just woke up from a number of dreams (admittedly, in one I was fucking Usher all night, but that isn't what this is about) and I realize that it is not only time to accept reality, it is time to come clean with the readers of this blog. It is time for Zack to wake up and tell me what is real - there is no room for me in his life - anywhere, anytime. No matter what his wishes are, no matter what he wants, no matter who he truly is - there is no place for me. And no matter what my wishes are, no matter what I want, no matter who I truly am, I need to also wake up and hear what is real - there is NO place for me in his life.

And here is where I come clean. You know how Zack and I met, you know our situation, you know what the past 4 years have been. You have been here through the deterioration. You have seen this coming long before I have. Well actually - that isn't really true. I have seen it coming, I have just chosen not to believe it, not to accept it. Zack is the love of my life. He always will be. I will never deny him any request,  whatever he asks of me, he will get. But there will never be a BBC in my life. There will never be another toy, another slave, or another love. I am tired. And I am done.

You see, what you don't know is that it is true that I live in a marriage where there is no passion, no sex, no romance,  not even any companionship. It's what happens after spending 43 years with the same person. And while it is true that I am 10 years older than Zack what you don't know is that Zack will be 53 years old in Aug. That means, yes, I will be 63 years old in Sept. 63.I am simply a stupid old woman who actually should have known better. But for the past 4 years, I lived in a fantasy where I finally had my very own Prince Charming who had come to rescue me. For the past 4 years, I have successfully fooled myself in to believing I had finally found what I had sought my entire life. Oh, Zack has truly been my Prince, I love him more than life. He showed me what is possible, he showed me what passion felt like. He always did say he could never give me what I wanted. He was only half right - I wanted to feel love and passion and he gave me that, he gave me even more than I had ever dreamed for.

But I want him.  I want to grow even older with him. I want him in my bed with me when I am 70, 80, 90 yrs old. I want HIM beside when when I die. Just him. Only him. I believe Zack wants that too. But the reality is that just wanting this does not, can not, will not make it happen. And the very character traits that I love so much about Zack will prevent it from ever happening. Despite our affair, he is an honorable man and he will never deny his wife or his job the time and devotion he believes they are entitled to. They are his obligations, his life, his reality. and they always will be. I finally admit that. I finally believe that. I wonder if Zack has come to that realization as well?

I am so tired. I am tired of trying to have what I clearly will not. I am trapped in a loveless marriage and I am doomed to end my life there. This is my reality. And, since the fantasy is over, dear readers, so is this blog. This will be my very last post.

And at the end of it all - I love you, Zack. I will always love you.

Sarah
.

The End of the Chapter...

Tonight is my last night at the apartment. Pretty much everything is gone, I just have to clean and it's done. It's over. I will leave here tomorrow and there will be no looking back, I guess. I will have no reason to be in the neighborhood again. Zack will have his space; no more pressure from me. No more visits.
For better or worse, this chapter of our life is over.

 The next pages are blank, just waiting to be written. I wonder what they are going to say?

As always,

Love, Sarah

Slaves.. Can't Live With 'em and Can't Live Without "em...

Too fucking complicated, that's what life is! First of all, I had planned to "play" with gavin last Thurs at the apt, I didn't. I just wasn't in the mood. Mistresses don't always have to be in the mood. Besides, I think it was rushing things a bit. There was another reason, though - I didn't want him there. That has been mine and zack's place. I don't want it to be anything but that, so it will be mine and zack's place till the bitter end. Who knew i could be sentimental??

zack came over for a visit on Friday. He was very glad to be there, laying on the bed next to me, holding me, and I was glad he was there as well. I knew he was tired, we both were, so I actually hadn't intended to fuck him, but the urge came upon me in an instant. Suddenly I was very very horny and all I wanted was to feel that big cock deep inside me. I interrupted whatever he was saying (who the fuck cares what he was saying??) and ordered him to get his pants off, which he did promptly. I straddle him and pinned his arms to the bed as I slid down onto him. I was very wet and he slid in oh so easily, even though he felt very large and his cock literally filled me up. I knew this was not going to take long, I needed this in a big way.

Now, I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, but zack has a hard time shutting his mouth. I mean, he never fucking shuts up - pretty much the whole time i am fucking him, it's talk, talk, talk. Sometimes I will tell him to shut up, other times I tell him that if he doesn't shut up I will get a gag to keep him quiet. This time, I let him talk - he gets into a chant of sorts - telling me how perfect I am, how happy he is serving me, how happy it makes him when I decide i want that piece of meat he keeps between his legs. This time he added something else - he said that I was what he had been looking for his whole life, that I was what he had needed his whole life, that when he was fantasizing about the older women he had delivered papers to when he was 13 it was really me he was looking for. I took this one step forward. I whispered in his ear, while I was riding that cock of his, that I would have joyfully fucked him when he was 13 if he had shown up at my door, I would have probably enticed him into my house and kept him tied up while I fucked him day and night.

That was when he came. Suddenly, very unexpectedly, and explosively. Of course, you know what happens when he releases his hot lava into me - I cum as well. But it wasn't the same this time, it wasn't as fulfilling this time because it was unexpected. It was over before it began. No riding the orgasm wave for me.I looked into zack's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. There was clearly a look of shock and foreboding in those eyes. He was very upset, I could tell. He said he was sorry, and followed that with  "it has just been such a long time..."

And then his phone rang. It was his wife and he had to leave immediately - as a result, there was no time to discuss what had happened. But for some reason, I wasn't quite as upset as I should have been. I did, however, send him an email telling him that this was exactly something my husband would say - as if it were my fault it had been "so long". All I can say is he better have a little bit of fear about what is to come.

I told gavin about zack's fuck up. he laughed; he was very glad to hear it - although he was upset for me, he was glad that zack wasn't mr. perfect. gavin plans on being far better at satisfying me. I guess time will tell. gavin has gone out of town on business for the week, so I am hoping that next week I get to visit him at his apartment, see his toys, maybe do some hot wax (he hasn't had that done to him) and generally inflict some well deserved pain. Maybe I will punish him for zack's fuck up. And I suspect it is going to be "a long time" before zack's gets to redeem himself with me. I'm going to be busy breaking in a new toy.

As always,
Love, Mistress Sarah..

Emotional Roller Coasters...

I have been on one, that is for sure. Today was not the best of days - I was at the apartment all day. Since I have the furniture advertised, I had people coming by to buy and pick up. I was actually doing ok, until I agreed to sell the bedroom furniture to the new tenant. I came a little unhinged then and when she left I broke down and cried.

I made this decision to give up the apartment. I have to live with it. I am not going to belabor the reasons or try to rationalize something that doesn't need it. I've listed all my wonderful reasons for making this decision here. At the end of the day, I think it IS the right thing to do - for both of us. But I do love that place, I love that bed, and I love all the times I have spent there with zack. I will grieve this, and that is expected.

I spoke to zack just before I was leaving this evening. he asked how I was doing and I started to cry. I tried not to - but I couldn't help it. He is such a man - and we know how men are when a woman cries. That's the time they run in the opposite direction - the time when you actually need them the most. zack is taking responsibility for my sadness. he feels that it is his fault I am doing this and I am unhappy now as a result. I wish he wouldn't do that. I could have chosen not to give it up. The responsibility is mine. I have 1 more week there. I will spend my last night there next Wed. And the sun will shine again.

We will get through this, of that I am certain.

As always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

Sharing the New Development...

zack and I have chatted. At first, he was concerned, reluctant and every other "conventional" emotion one would expect in a vanilla relationship. I knew this was how he would react. All he needed was some time and reassurances.
It didn't take him long to let go of the vanilla responses and become excited about what is to come. He has already been asking questions, offering a variety of scenarios. He's in.

So, what is the news? I was contacted the other night by a former potential slave. I had been considering him  9 months ago. We had met a couple of times, he seemed to want this.. and then he was gone. oh well, shit happens. Now he is back - back and eager to be at my service. He is aware of zack, and although, he has never gone that route, he is more than willing to participate in any activity I come up with - with or without zack. And here is the beauty of this. he is a complete opposite to zack, not just in the things he will do but in physical attributes - where zack is tall,  he is short, where zack is dark, he is blonde.Where zack can't take pain, gavin can and will take whatever I dish out - he is eager for it. where zack has not been able to participate in my desire to fuck his ass, gavin wants it, craves it, has already begged for me to fuck him. he wants his limits and boundaries pushed. I am excited - i too will get to expand my boundaries, get to experience new things, new challenges. Yes, indeed, I am very excited.

I want to make it clear here that I accept that these 2 are so different. I do not want them to be the same, I do not need them to be the same. zack will give me things, satisfy needs gavin cannot and gavin will satisfy needs that zack simply cannot. This very lucky Mistress will have the best of both worlds.

gavin and I met at the apartment this afternoon. He actually came prepared to get his ass paddled. he even brought a butt plug to wear during the exercise. This is how eager he is to please. But, I kept him waiting - anticipation is good for the soul. We talked about expectations, rules, concerns and assurances. He is preparing himself to become good at orgasm denial, he has never been denied an orgasm  - he has been ordered to masturbate to the brink of orgasm, to stop, and once the urge has diminished, to do it again - 3 times in a row. he has been doing it - he says his balls ache. LOL. I promised him release before he goes on a business trip on Sunday.

So, it looks like I am going to be a little busy - but never too busy to share all the details here.

I will let zack post his own thoughts about this situation. Dare I say this is going to be an interesting week?

as always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

PS i just got a message from gavin asking permission to lick zack's balls while I am fucking him... shows you what an eager beaver he is!!!

Just When You Least Expect It...

Wishes come true out of the most unlikely of circumstances. The sun comes out, and life takes a whole new turn in another direction. Something that both zack and I have talked about, fantasized about, is about to come true. No, it does not involved a black cock, or a woman,  but it is something that has me very excited!

I have to share with zack before I can post it here - but suffice it to say, at the end of the day zack will be a much better slave, he will be happier and most of all - I will be a better Mistress and much happier as well.

This is going to get exciting, I promise, so please stay tuned!! zack's boundaries are definitely about to expand!

As always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

PS - I have told zack the news. Until I am certain how he truly feels about it, I will have to wait before sharing it here. He says he is fine with what i want to do, and yet, the excitement he expressed about my penchant for dark chocolate was not there, so I am not sure. What I know about zack is that regardless of his apparent self centeredness, he really does want me to have everything that will bring me pleasure. Because of this, he will agree to anything I say - regardless of how he may truly feel about it. I have written this to him:

"It is essential that I know what you are thinking about this – ambivalent, tolerant, excited, whatever. I know you. I know how you respond to things – and your past responses make it difficult for me to make decisions now. I KNOW you want me happy. I KNOW you want to make sure my needs are met, I KNOW you want me to fulfill my need to Dominate.  I also KNOW that you don’t feel you are able or capable of providing any of that for me – at least not as wholly as you would like. So, I also KNOW that you will agree to anything I want if you think it will please me. I know that you will do that – even if at the end of the day you are unhappy about it,  or feel as if you will lose me as a result, or feel like a failure because you haven’t met all of my needs. You will say all the right words.. and then withdraw into your shell to await what you fear the most – that I will leave you for someone else. Please, please, please believe me when I say I love you, that you are the most important person in the world to me, and your wellbeing is first and foremost in my mind. I can live without this. There is no way in this world this is worth hurting you. Mistresses aren't supposed to give a shit about their slaves, not really. They are supposed to just take what they want and to hell with everyone else. I am sorry if I don’t fit the model, but in every case I care deeply about you. I always will. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt".

He is very busy this weekend with work and I haven't had a response yet. I will keep you posted!

My Deep Desire...

My very first sexual encounter was with a black man at the age of 17. I have never forgotten that, even though it wasn't the best experience. I think "black" has been in the back of my mind my entire life and I find myself typically and almost unconsciously checking out every black man I see.

Zack is correct - I want this. But what i learned from Janelle is that I want this with Zack there. I want him to understand that he can be replaced, that he cam even be out-performed. I want to be staring him right in the eye when my gorgeous piece of dark chocolate makes me cum. I want him watching me take that big black cock into my mouth all the way down my throat. I want him to watch while that black cock releases its hot juices. I want him to understand who is in control of the situation. I want him restrained so he can do nothing but watch and listen. And if he dares to close his eyes?? He will figure out very quickly that that does not please me in the slightest.

yes, I am very much looking forward to this opportunity to put zack in his proper place.

As always,
Love Mistress Sarah

Mistress sets the rules

From her comment in the post below, it's clear that Mistress is going to do what she wants—which is the way it should be.

For some reason, she has an intense chocolate fantasy, which seems to be heightened when I tell her that it also turns me on.

I'm not sure how this will eventually play out, but I'm now pretty certain that it will happen.

Mistress has a deep attraction to physically fit black men who are capable of being highly sexual.

This is her chocolate delight...and she wants to savour this in my presence as her slave.

I won't be surprised if I'm forced to watch her take a hard black cock inside of her...and afterward, she may just decide to take her second orgasm by fucking my face.

She knows I will be a willing participant because I am her slave.

Mistress expands boundaries

Mistress has given me posting privileges again.

My arousal for her has been extremely intense this morning.

I always get that way when she talks about forcing me to watch her play with a black man.

I want to please her so much in this scenario.

There's something about being her slave cuckhold that is such a turn-on.

I have a feeling that the day will come when she will force me to take a big black cock in my mouth for her, just because she has that level of power and control over me.

I also get turned on by the thought of her forcing me to allow a Chinese guy to suck my cock for her with her watching and observing.

I don't know if either of these scenarios will occur...but they might.

Mistress has expanded my boundaries in ways I never imagined possible before.

Back to Basic Black...

The idea of hooking up with a woman was a complete flop. It didn't really turn zack on that much, and as a result, I wasn't that into it either. I think I'm done with that idea for a while. Back to the drawing board.

I sent zack and notice on craiglist about how he could present his woman with a BBC surprise (Big Black Cock) and told him to "surprise me".

I think he will add his comments about his responses here, but his response to this was exactly what I have been looking for. it was intense to say the least, and as a result my level of arousal matched his.. I then sent him a message that I would have to buy him a cock cage to wear as he would be restrained and forced to watch me enjoying that BBC. Then I told him that I would hold him by the hair as I force that BBC into his mouth - and I don't give a fuck how big it is. He deserves this, wouldn't you say? As I wrote that message to him, I experienced a spontaneous orgasm myself. THAT is how intense this is for me.

Stayed tuned for developments.

As always,
Love, Sarah

WOW!!!

I am busy this weekend - I have a paper to write. Janelle was aware and was very supportive - urging me on, providing words of wisdom to stop procrastinating. She too had work to do around her condo. The plan was that we get it all done Sat & Sun and then get together at the apartment on Monday. (a holiday here)

A few hours later I got a email saying that she was very lonely, very horny, had put an ad on Craigslist under casual encounters and was going out on a date tonight with some random man - that she needed to get fucked. Wow! Do I ever know how to pick them! I have learned that she has done this often. I told her fine, but I wasn't really interested in being with someone who participates in random sex - and I have no idea if it's safe sex or not. one thing zack and I have always been firm on - we would never do anything to put the other at risk.  I also told her that she was never going to find the "life partner" she was looking for this way, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

So, that's over before it began. It's for the best and I am actually glad she told me so that I didn't put my health as well as zack's at risk. Phewww!!!!

I sure could use some time with zack right about now. I am missing him terribly.

As always,
Love Sarah

Out on a Date and I am Hopeless!

Yesterday "Janelle" came to my apartment. It was a very casual visit and she was very comfortable there. She lay on my bed while we talked. she was wearing a long skirt, which she allowed to ride up while she lounged so i could see her legs.  We had talked about taking things as they come and "going slow" no pressure on anyone, so I didn't make any moves although in hindsight she was giving off signals. 

We soon went to my car and went out for dinner, where we talked for hours. It was very casual, no stress no awkward moments. It was all very easy. At one point in the conversation she told me that she was submissive and always relied on the other person to "make the first move". I laughed and told her I was dominate and had no problem making moves. I told her I was always on top lol.

I told her about zack. well, not all about zack - just that he existed and that I fuck him once in a while. Not that he is my part time slave. Seems she is in a similar situation. The talk got to threesomes. She wondered if I might be interested in meeting her guy "he is tall,  has a great body, and also has a fantastic cock". She asked if she could send him my pic and vice versa. I told her yes.

Unfortunately, I had to go home early - there wasn't an opportunity to hang out in my "lovenest". But when I took her back to her car, we sat in mine for a while and talked some more. I put my hand on her leg, I slid my hand under her skirt and stroked her thigh. Her skin is very soft, as I expected it would be. I suppose I should have kissed her, but I didn't. Something was holding me back.

I fantasized on the way home. In my mind I say her and I with her guy in between us in bed. And I saw zack - tied to a chair, naked and hooded. he could  listen while the 3 of us romped in the bed - me eating her pussy, she eating mine, me fucking her guy's face, her sucking zack's cock, her guy sucking zack's cock,. or me forcing zack to suck his. i mean, put 4 horny people in a room and anything can happen. zack, however, would simply be one of the toys to be used for our pleasure.

Later, laying in bed, I realized what held me back. It was zack. And it was guilt. ironically, I never experienced guilt when i started the affair with zack. I am such a bitch, I never gave my husband a 2nd thought. I never have - not from the very first day.  But I LOVE zack. If zack isn't a part of this, the interest isn't there for me. I guess the attraction is being with a woman while zack watches. Just the thought of him being in the room listening arouses me. 

so, I guess we wait and see..

As always, 

Love, Sarah

on a Different Train of Thought.....

 Met "her" for coffee last evening. She is very beautiful and interesting. I suspect she may be a bit "high maintenance" however, and she talked a lot about herself (sigh), but we had a good time and seemed to connect - we walked and  talked for  over  an  hour after the coffee  shop closed. There definitely  was  chemistry and  we are  getting together  on Friday again.

She has  had some interesting  sexual  experiences-including three-somes.   there may be hope for Zack watching  the action  after all .

As always,

Love, Sarah

Relationships ... Who Knew???

Today is a new day. In the clear light of day it is evident that relationships are not simple, they aren't cut and dried and they definitely aren't smooth - sailing off into the sunset. Relationships are usually tumultuous, often confusing, complicated and often cause you to end up wondering if it really is worth it. zack will tell you that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  It is for this simple reason that any relationship is going to have times when one of the players is confused about the state of things. It is that way for every "normal" relationship - 2 people together. zack and I have many odds against us - the first one is the inability to actually communicate on a regular basis. And when I say "communicate" I mean talk, not email.

Unfortunately, email has become our main method of expressing ourselves to each other. Trust me, that is a very dangerous place to get to, because you can type the words, but you have no idea what is happening for that other person when they read them.. I think we oght to expect any kind of reaction, and usually not the one we are expecting.

 I will be the first to say that in our relationship I have had my fair share of times when I behaved irrationally about us. But when I talk about this past weekend, I am being very honest when I say that zack blew me out of the water. I did not expect his responses to me.  And this is one time when I will say that I was a totally innocent victim. zack pushed me to the wall and pinned me there (figuratively) and I pushed back. Ergo - he got the "fuck you" response.

I am not going to make excuses for zack. Myself, you are so correct, he is always front and center in his mind - although he would never admit to that. I actually think he hasn't read your comments here because he doesn't like it when people see him in that light. I see it, I know it exists in him. I am not blind to his behavior. Simply put, he is what he is. and for better or worse, I love him anyway. We are all selfish at one point or another in our lives.  But not only does he think mostly about what he wants, he also takes all the blame for everything as well - and last weekend he was taking all of the blame for my mood. So, his "selfishness" isn't just in his favor, but to his detriment as well.

I need to work on that. You know why I let him be that way, but I will confess it gets to me as well sometimes. I read once that in an M/s relationship it is actually the sub who is in control - because the Dom needs to always be aware of what is going on for them and pull back when it isn't working. The sub's responses to any situation actually control the Dom's next move - whether in discipline or punishment or taking pleasure. So, I guess you can say that zack control's what happens in this relationship. What I need to learn is how to take back some of that control - not to such a point that it doesn't work for him, but to a point where my needs are being addressed more often.

He's a man. He told me on the weekend that he was "a (occupation) so he wasn't that dense" I told him he was also a man, and as such, he is dense in many things.  So, he needs reminding - over and over and over. I told him what he needs to do EVERY TIME I am upset about something is to ASK if he has done something to upset me - rather than jumping to a conclusion that he has and then get defensive.

Anyway, we continue to move forward. I have no fucking idea where we are going, but we are still going. This will not be our last dispute, of that I am certain.

As always,
Love, Sarah

There is No Way I Can Win Here...

zack and his ego seem to always think everything is all about him.

Yes, I told him to fuck off. - because he believes that **I** am the one that creates the drama in his life. He thinks that my mood has to do with his not being available to me last week.. when in reality  In reality I was disappointed, but I never gave it another thought. I was not upset because he couldn't get away.. He doesn't want me to depend on him to meet my needs , and yet when I don't, he still makes it all about him.

I am depressed. I have crap going on in my life that I would love to just run away from.  I was at the apartment on Friday working and I told zack that if he could stop by, I could use some sense of control, I could use the opportunity to get rid of some tension on his ass. he is my release valve and that is it.  He couldn't make it. Now he seems to think that my mood is related to his unavailability. Jesus!! How stupid can one person be?? I was in a bad frame of mind BEFORE Friday.. so whatever did or didn't happen Friday has nothing to do with it.

So, this morning, he started his usual "you should find someone who won't disappoint you like I do" routine.
I tried several times to explain that my mood now is not because he is or isn't available. It is because of the crap that is going on elsewhere in my life - at work and in my family, there is something going on with my vision and I am not able to get the work done that I need to get done because I can't fucking see. I have to sell the furniture at the apartment but I am not getting any responses to my ads. I have a co-worker lording it over me, stealing my work and passing it off as her own. I have almost 30 work projects to get done. Don't even get me started on my school stuff - which includes setting up research fo my thesis. My daughter's ex-husband is trying to take her kids away from her. Oh, and the woman I had hoped to connect with? She just can't get into a relationship with me if I am not going to tell my husband about it because she doesn't think it's "fair". Fine, She can fuck off too.  (BTW zack hasn't even been gracious enough to ask me what is going on in my life that has me so upset - proof positive to me that it is irrelevant in his mind). I have enough fucking drama in my life - I sure don't need to create more.

He thought I was out on a date last night. that got him all excited and horny.  He misunderstood what I told him - I wasn't on a date. I went to the movies, planned on going alone but my husband invited himself to tag along - my "date". His comments here, and emails he sent me, makes me think that this is all he wants from me. If I am not arousing him, if I actually allow life to get in the way of that, then I guess in his eyes I am creating drama.

yes indeed, I told him to fuck off. The whole fucking world can get blown to smitherines and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. Who needs it anyway??

Diversions pt. 2... With a Twist...

First of all, as nice as "Dale Carnegie" was, there was zero chemistry. He called me on my way to work on Friday and unless we talked about our work, the awkward silences were deafening. I haven't heard from him since, nor do I expect to.

But, the urge to be with a woman has cropped up again. So, rather impulsively, i will admit, I have responded to an ad by a "straight woman" looking to explore a relationship with a woman. She has been with a woman sexually before (I have not) and although she says she is straight, she wants that again. I wonder if that makes you Bi?? Anyway, we have chatted on the phone and via text messages. We have a lot in common and have exchanged pictures. She is quite beautiful!! Her picture turns me on. On Sat night I was dreaming about her (not zack, as I usually do). Earlier, she had told me she was going to have a sauna before going to bed. In my dream, I was with her in the sauna.

She was sitting on the bench, towel around her, head back and her eyes were closed. I was kneeing at her feet - as i slid my hands up her calves, and separated her knees - wide enough that I could plant kisses on the inside of her right knee, a little higher , and then higher up her thigh. My plan was to kiss her all the way up, across and down the other leg to her left knee. I kind of got stalled when my mouth connected with her pussy. I have never experienced this before - but it was delicious!! she was so soft there, so open and wanting me to explore deeper, which I did with my tongue she moaned - and I was so aroused that my own near orgasm woke me up. I am eager to meet her, and I believe that is going to happen on Friday. If we hit it off as I suspect we will, we will be spending the day together on Sat. This is going to be a long week! Perhaps I will get zack to prepare me for my date on Sat.

zack will not be any part of this relationship, if it develops as I hope. he will have to live the experience vicariously. As long as I share my adventure, he will be satisfied.

As always,

Love, Sarah...

It Was a VERY Good Week...

I am also aware that I need to take each day as it comes - I have to take care of myself and my needs, so I am determined not to go to that dark place again, just because zack is acting like a jerk.

I had to go back to the apartment yesterday because I forgot to pay this last month's rent. (I can not begin to tell you how each passing day makes me sadder about this, but I have to do this, I have to let this apartment go). zack asked me if i could change my mind. I will be honest and tell you that I have gone back and forth on this a million times. I am procrastinating getting the furniture advertised and sold. I really do love coming here to work, to relax and yes, to fuck zack. But I have examined this closely - this apartment is part of the trouble I get myself into. Because it is within a block of where zack lives and works, I think I put more expectations on it than I thought. I rented the apartment to make it easier to see zack - for quick visits, long visits, spontaneous visits. This week has resulted in exactly what I had hoped this apartment would do - although we haven't spent hours and hours together, I have spent time with zack 4 out of 5 days - without, I think, any problem for him. Yes, if I thought, even for a moment, that this was sustainable, I would keep the apartment. But (and maybe it is my turn to be paranoid) I think that zack's attentiveness this week is a reaction to my mood of late and my giving notice at the apartment. In essence, I think he has come to realize that he can not take me for granted. I just think that if I were to change my mind about it, we would quickly fall back into old patterns.

Another point I made to zack is that this apartment has become our relationship. Since renting the apartment it is the only place we are together. Where we used to meet for coffee or breakfast, where I would pick him up in my car and whisk him away for a half hour or so, or fuck him in the back seat of my car in a nearby parkade (yes, I love to live dangerously LOL) or take a hike - we do none of these things anymore. The apartment has narrowed zack's world even more, to the detriment of us both, I'm afraid. So, yes, the apartment has to go.

zack was a naughty boy yesterday. He showed up at the apartment. I had already decided that if he showed up, I was going to fuck him for the 4th time this week. Yum. He has been very good at the orgasm denial - exceptional, I think. But I guess a man has limits.And it doesn't help when I taunt him so mercilessly. I ordered his pants off - and he was wielding a very huge cock - honestly, it was bigger than I have ever seen it. I could barely get it into my mouth - and that is saying something, trust me. Oh, I was looking very forward to having that stuffed deep inside me and the deeper the better. I pinned his arms down and straddled him. Looking deep into his eyes, watching his every reaction, I slid down onto that gorgeous cock. Then I leaned forward and whispered in his ear "tell me how that feels".. I knew how it felt, but it arouses him more to have to describe it. His words: "wonderful" "like coming home" "intense" told me I was not wrong on his level of arousal. Then I looked him in the eye and ordered "put your knees up". His eyes got very big, because we both knew what that does to him - it is a position that makes it extremely difficult for him to prevent his orgasm. This is the position that gets him into so much trouble when I fuck him in the back seat of my car (and come to think of it, I haven't done that in my new car.. hmmm). When his knees are up it pushes his cock to the hilt inside me and I am filled up with him. Her did as he was told, and I began riding him, and whispering in his ear the whole time. Fuck!! It felt so wonderful!  I love tormenting him this way.. lol. I don' t know how it feels to him when I near orgasm, but the feeling must change for him, because that is when he starts crying "what are you doing to me? what are you DOING to me?!!" I knew. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Suddenly, he began laughing - oh, not a "gee,  am I having fun" kind of laugh but "Holy Fuck! I just came and she is going to KILL me!" kind of nervous laugh. He came and I had not. he ought to be nervous. I stared him in the eye for a moment.  I said "What did you DO???" He tried so hard to make me believe he had "not lost it all". Right. I am not stupid.

he came, and he had not been given permission. What to do, what to do? well, I guess the least he could do was clean up his mess. And I was not leaving without my own release, my own orgasm. So, with that thought, I removed myself from his now very soft cock and fucked his face. My juices and his cum all over his face...that was the best orgasm of the week. zack done good without intending to.... and I guess we all know who was really in control, right?? Everything that happened was at my desire and zack was my very willing slut, my delicious whoreboy.

Yes, it was a very good week, indeed.

As always,
Love, Sarah

Diversions...

It's been a good week. zack came by again today - that is the third time. Ok, Ok.. yes, I have fucked him every time he showed up. He is such a slut and i am insatiable. What can I say??

 One thing I insist on is that he is not allowed to cum. Ever. This is one point I will not waiver on. I have spent an entire marriage with someone who couldn't give a rat's ass if I were satisfied or not and there is nothing more deadly to a relationship as far I am concerned. Back then, I taught myself not to get aroused, because I would be let down every time. zack knows this...and he knows the fastest way to lose my trust is to cum before I give him permission to.  he messed up once when I was fucking him in the back seat of my car - he has experienced the outcome. he does not want that to happen again.

Poor zack. I take extreme pleasure in taking him right to that edge - over and over and over again. It is almost like daring him to cum. I would love it if he would comment to this post and explain what this is like for him. Anyway, he is very good at holding off. I know it isn't easy, but his primary goal is to make sure I am served well and taken care of. I will whisper all kinds of things in his ear while I am riding that big cock of his. I know exactly what to say to drive him totally crazy. And I use him to my best advantage. In these moments he is merely a piece of meat - his sole purpose is to be used as such and to please me. He has done a very good job this week.

But one thing I know is that although I am never going to leave him, I know now that I need "diversions" to get me through his absences. That is what I had hoped Mr. Researcher would become - my diversion, someone to entertain me when zack is otherwise occupied. Interestingly, zack wants to hear me tell him about my escapades. I was doubtful, but it turns out that this turns him on like nothing else - he is a true cuckold. He wants his Mistress happy and satisfied.

I had a coffee date today with a man I met. I'll call him Dale Carnegie - that is what he does. He is quite different from zack, although he is tall. Where I like them dark, he is blonde and graying at the temples. He is very nice, but there wasn't that instant chemistry that I experienced with zack and with Mr. Researcher. I will probably see him again and see where this might go. And I will share everything with zack. I will ride his cock, and whisper in his ear and tell him about my diversion or my flirting with men I work with - I may even make up some things, but he will never know that. If it turns him on, if it sends him to subspace that pleases me. I don't inflict pain or harsh punishment to send him there, this does the job quite nicely.

So, yes, this week sees us connected again, and I am cautiously optimistic for us.

As always,

Love, Sarah

The M/s Relationship Re-visited...

I have read the comments recently added. zack is adding comments because his posting privileged have been revoked. he knows he is going to have to earn the right to post here again.

Myself.. thank you for your comments. I can't tell you how much I have appreciated your support since we "met" on Slaveduties. Although we haven't met in person, I consider you a friend and I sincerely hope that I don't lose that because of decisions I make here. I think you are a wonderful human being, and I value your opinions.

When I first read your comment to zack on my last post I was somewhat taken aback. Not upset, but caught off guard because people rarely, if ever, stand up for ME. I think I can speak for many Mistresses - having to be the one always in control, always making the decisions is not always the greatest place to be. Being perceived as being "in control" causes people to forget that we too have needs and desires and that we too want someone to consider what we want once in a while without being told, to put our needs first. I suspect that we often don't think about what we really need either. So, your words gave me a warm feeling. Thank you.

That said, I considered removing your comment to protect zack. If I removed it, it would not have been because I didn't like it, but because I know it will upset zack. And regardless of anything else - I am very protective of him. I guess being that way is what gets me into such a mess because most often he doesn't want my protection. When I thought about it a bit more, I decided I WANTED him to read it. I wanted to see his reaction. I am not sure if he has read it. If he has, he hasn't said anything.

You are absolutely right, Myself, he is selfish. It really is all about him with his "I, I, I" and  "me,me,me," all the time. He is needy. But I have fostered that, encouraged that behavior. He lives in a world where he is never allowed to think of himself, or what he needs - he is making all the decisions that are in the best interests of everyone else - his wife, his employer, the people he manages, never his own.The demands on him are huge. He has learned not to think of himself,  I dare say he feels unworthy of giving or taking anything for himself. Of course, that is often what gets us into trouble, because he gets into places where he can't say "I need to take some time for me to care for my Mistress". Serving me, pleasing me makes him happy - at a time when he doesn't believe he deserves to feel happy. Does that make sense?

I allow him to be free - he is free to be as needy as he wants with me. His neediness pleases me. I guess you can say it is my need for him to need me. If you look back at all the problem times we have had since I started this blog, you might recognize the trend. When he isn't being needy, when he is so overwhelmed by his life that he loses focus - those are times when I believe he doesn't need me anymore. And around we go.

We spoke on the phone last Sunday I've spent time with zack this week as well. After work on Monday, and yesterday. On Monday evening he was going to a family dinner at a nearby restaurant. I stalked him there. I sat at a nearby table, ordered dinner and watched him. I hope it made hims squirm. When he got up to leave, he went to the washroom - I was actually almost right behind him and I seriously considered just pushing him into the men's washroom,  push him into a stall and fuck him there. However, his family was sitting where they would have definitely seen this and of course, since it wasn't one of those family washrooms, there was the chance that I would have been revealed. It was fun thought, though. .So I just "disappeared" (his term). It was fun.

Yesterday, we connected for an hour or so. We talked, and he asked me what happened - why did I "suddenly" feel we were over. I've thought about that. I think the "rejection" of Mr Researcher had something to do with it, seeing zack being beaten into the ground was another - the radio program last week seemed to be the last straw for me. This was all happening at a time when I myself was feeling abandoned. A cascade effect, I guess.

So, although I try not to encourage his "self-ness" all the time - I do remind him that he really is to do as I desire and to do as he is told - I allow him to express that part of himself. It is a release for him..

I am not going to say everything is fine - I am still giving up the apartment, and our relationship will take on a new persona, I think, but I do love zack. I love all his faults, I do not judge him and I will never abandon him.
I told him I may explore diversions, but he better accept it.

It's a new day...

As always,
Love Sarah

Keep On Keeping On...

I'm doing ok. I am having good days and bad days - today happens to be a bad one.
I got a few emails from zack on Sunday and Monday. he doesn't agree with me. He continues in his usual mindset of "once I get through this week..." he continues to think he can see that light at the end of the tunnel. he hasn't figured out that the only way that light will be lit again is if he runs down that fucking tunnel and switches it on himself. No one is going to fix this for him. H doesn't see what I see, and doesn't understand what I am feeling. For example, every Thursday morning he does a 10 minute radio interview. This is not part of his job - he does it because he enjoys it. I listened to him this morning. he was cheerful, chipper even. He would not understand how it feels to know that he would rather do that than see me. He would never pass up that Thursday radio spot so he could meet me for coffee. He would rather do anything else. I am learning that I am so far down on his fucking totem pole, i might as well be the part stuck in the ground.

But in his eyes, I am being dramatic.

I left him a voice message this morning. I told him I would be working at the apartment all day today and tomorrow and that if he wanted to come over he could - but that this just may be his last opportunity.

I still love him. I am the biggest sucker that ever existed, but I still love him. That won't keep me from moving on, however. he is replaceable.

As Always,
Love Sarah

So it is Written, So it Shall Be Done...

I haven't heard from zack. At all. It is pretty evident to me (and probably you as well)  that I am of little significance in his life.  Ironically, as he always worried about me abandoning him, he has now abandoned me.

So, I guess it is finally over. The story of the part time M/s relationship is done. Thank you, readers - I hope you have enjoyed the escapades of zack and Sarah. Believe me when I say I will never forget the past 4 years, nor do I regret a single second of them - regardless of the many highs and many lows they contained. I only wish zack had the courage to end this face to face - but I also know how extremely hard that would have been for both of us. Perhaps his last final disappearing act really is the kindest way for both of us. I guess we will never know, will we??

And so, as they say in the movies

Tout passe, tout lasse, tout casse    (Everything passes, everything wears out, everything breaks)

C'est Fini   (It's all over)
As always,

Love, Sarah

Moving Forward, or Dwelling on the Past?

I have given notice and posted photos of the furniture I am selling from the apartment.. I spent the last 2 nights there - it was quite bittersweet. zack had hoped to be able to stop by Tues morning, but, you guessed it, the good intentions never came to be.

I feel like there will always be something getting in the way. I tried to explain to zack what is happening with me, what my concerns are, in this email I sent him...

I want to try to help you understand. I love you. Please don’t ever doubt that, or think I don’t want to see you. Please.

I am not unhappy because your time in taken by the demands of your work, OR the need to care for your wife. I WANT you to take care of her. I can tell you I would not feel very good if you neglected her to spend time with me.

What I am upset about is that you keep taking on more and more everyday - the only one you say "no" to is me. Is it wrong for me to want back the joy we used to share? I know you want that as well. But while you see every week, every situation as a minor one - that tomorrow, next week, next month everything will be better, everything will be as it used to be- I just don’t.

I wish I could be that optimistic; I have tried to be, but the years (yes, years) go by and I watch us getting older, and you buckling under the load you carry as more and more gets heaped on you. I hate seeing the sheer exhaustion on your face – that look has been there for well over a year, maybe even longer – and I saw it the other day. When I said you had lost weight, I wasn't talking about your body. I was looking at your face – looking at the fatigue, the gaunt expression that has become you. Seeing that causes me a great deal of pain.

I  know, I am not making any sense. Nothing makes any sense to me these days, anyway. All I can think about is being with you and both of us feeling free… it’s that feeling I miss – the feeling from the seaside strolls, the feeling of sitting with you on a bench with my legs draped across yours talking, or sitting in my car with you at the park waiting for a tow truck. That feeling is missing, even when we are together these days, so it isn't the frequency of seeing you that is the issue. I guess the problem is that I feel like neither of us will be happy like that again.

Please don’t say you told me you couldn't give me what I wanted.. we are sooo beyond that. Years beyond that. I want you, absolutely, and no one else. I am not leaving you – ever. I am just not optimistic that we are going to ever feel happy (seaside stroll happy) again.

We haven't had the opportunity to talk about this.  Maybe I am too depressed, too negative to see things clearly  right now. I just don't know.

Just My Luck...

Well, it seems the whole project with Mr. Researcher has fallen through. I won't be doing it after all, so I don't get the opportunity to gaze upon his loveliness anymore either.  Oh, well, it was too good to be true, anyway.

I saw zack for a few minutes yesterday. I was at the coffee shop across from his work when he came in. We chatted for a bit, but I really didn't want to "discuss" anything, and he was being cautious as well - concerned that someone from work would see us together. He was on his way home to his wife and wasn't able to stop but for a few minutes. I left more depressed than I was before I saw him.

I'm going to the apartment after work today to begin packing up stuff, and getting pictures of furniture for sale.

This is going to be very hard..

Sarah

New Beginnings.... ???

I met with Mr. Researcher on Friday. Damn! He is one fine specimen to look at. And in addition to being tall, dark and very handsome, he also a very nice man. We met a a coffee shop near the apartment. We talked about the proposal, he gave me is thoughts and it looks like it's a go. We just need to draw up a contract and we will start working. The proposal has to be written by Sept. It isn't something that I can't do, but the subject matter is totally foreign to me and that has me a little concerned. When I voiced these concerns (because it is my intention always to do the very best job I can) he made an interesting suggestion - that I ought to travel to where the work/project for this proposal is being done, see and explore the concepts first hand. The company would pay for this to happen. Where is the project? In Greece!! And Mr. Researcher would be my guide...Yummmm.

We talked over coffee and got to know each other better, especially since we will be working quite closely. The grant the research company is applying for is 1 million dollars. This is a BIG deal and needs to be done right. I for one do NOT want to be the cause of them losing the grant. Yikes! Why do they need me, you might ask? The language in this industry, as I said, is extremely technical. My. Researcher needs someone who can transpose the technical into common language. "Dumb it up" as they say. The fact that I do not know anything about it actually makes me a good candidate - because I will make sure I understand the concepts I will be writing about. So, it looks like a trip to Greece may be in my future. We'll see.

Mr. Researcher, as I said, is very nice - polite, respectful, easy to talk to and funny all at the same time. Not the least bit boring as I had suspected a researcher would be. As we chatted about everyday stuff, I asked him if he might be able to do me a favor. I needed to get the TV out of the apartment and into the car. I had asked zack a couple of times, but it didn't happen. He was delighted to help, actually seemed thrilled to be of assistance, so we walked the couple of blocks to my building. My!!! He is very tall - 6'6" he says. It was a pleasure watching him flex his muscles as he wrapped my 47" flat screen up in a blanket and put it into the trunk of my car. I drove him to his car and then headed home. We are going to meet again next week.

Now about zack. There isn't much to say. He is trying to work himself to death - he is all consumed about work and of course caring for his wife. It actually isn't caring for his wife I am concerned about. I recognize this zack - he showed up last year about this same time. And you all know what last year was like. For those that don't know, it was horrific. I called him while I was driving home on Friday. My intent was just to touch base and lend my support. Regardless of past promises to stay connected, to keep us both "grounded",  he is repeating his old ways and pushing me away. Again. He was far less than responsive on the phone. Actually, his first words were "Didn't you get my email??" yes, I got it. I got the single sentence that said "I am fucked for time these days". I listened to the curt comments about how busy he was, swamped, over loaded, that he is afraid he is going to be fired because caring of his wife has impacted his work, so he is working even longer hours - I have no doubt not sleeping and not eating either. I did not get to say a single word before he hung up.

I can't do this again. I can not sit on the sidelines and watch him self destruct. I can not be his very occasional  release valve. He can hire a Dom to be that for him a few hours every couple of months.  It takes 2 people to make a relationship - be it a marriage or a part time M/s relationship. We are neither. From where I sit, we've come to the end of the line. It is evident that it is impossible to get back whatever it was we had. . I cannot continually put my needs aside to meet his. I can not continually feel like I am an inconvenience. And I certainly cannot continue to get blasted at because zack is stressed. I have told zack that I am giving up the apartment and this time I mean it. By June 1, I will be gone from there.

Mr. Researcher, in the few times we have spoken, has really made me see how it feels to be respected, and to be valued. He actually seems to want to hear what I have to say. I think I might be on to something here.

You better stay tuned.
As Always,
Love, Sarah (no one's Mistress)

Oh Happy Day....

...gonna see Mr. Researcher tomorrow. Something to definitely look forward to.
Haven't heard from zack except for a quick email on Sunday telling me he hasn't forgotten me. I knew that. I also know that I was right about what was going to happen when his wife came home - he would be consumed with his job and her care.  I would be pushed out of the picture. I am not optimistic  about the future where zack and Mistress Sarah are concerned.

As always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

Spring Has Sprung...

This week has been beautiful for me, although the downside is I haven't been able to spend any time out in this gorgeous weather with zack. his wife came home from hospital mid week, and he has been totally occupied with caring for her - as I predicted and as I would expect. If he wasn't, well I don't think I could have much respect for him.

But spring does things to me - the outdoors, the fresh air, the sunshine - well, it stirs things in me. In the spring, my lust holds no bounds.

zack has told you about my own fantasies, my own turn ons. One of those is an attraction to young, handsome men. Ok, so that is not a unique trait, but I have always had a penchant for younger men (zack himself is 10 yrs younger). My friends used to say people had to lock up their teenage sons when I was around  LOL. So, earlier this week, I had a business lunch appointment. I had not met this gentleman before, but the meeting was to discuss a project I might do for him. I had no idea of what I was going to be confronted with.

There he sat - dark hair, aviator sunglasses on. I couldn't get a real sense of him as he was reading a text on his phone - I could tell, however, he had a pretty good physique. As I approached, I spoke his name and he looked up. Then he stood to pull out my chair (a perfect gentleman!). He was very tall (even taller than zack) and I was looking into the most magnificent grey eyes I had ever encountered. This man was gorgeous!! We chatted, we ordered lunch and the sparks flew between us. I mean SPARKS. At one point, he leaned forward and said "I hope I am not out of line here, but I would like to tell you that you are quite beautiful" Oh, God!! Is he smooth LOL. Before I knew it, the meeting was over and I had to go. I actually had no sense of time or space the whole time we were together. I was consumed by this man across the table from me. He said he wanted to see some of the work I have done in the past, but that he felt good about me and that he believed this was going to be a very mutually beneficial relationship. He shook my hand, looked me (intensely) in the eyes and said he would call next week. Yummmmm... I wanted to eat him up right there. I was quite out of breath by the time he left.

zack should never leave me to my own devices.

As Always,

Love Mistress Sarah

Re-Cap...

Zack thought he did well in bringing me to orgasm the first time. That was nothing compared to what happened next. We "played" for a while - with him restrained and blindfolded, I probed his mind. I wanted to find out more about the slave inside. he did not disappoint. The conclusion that was drawn was that he has been searching his entire life - he has been looking for has been ME. he has had disastrous relationship after disastrous relationship in that search. I think he was seeking someone to serve that also knew and understood his need for the "rest of it" the need to be ordered/controlled by a woman who was strong, competent and in confident, a woman who understood his need for control, even through humiliation, and  to be stripped of all thought or responsibility. What he found was women he could "rescue" - they needed him to do their bidding, yes, but to also take care of them, without them giving him what he needed to feel whole.

At last, he found me. I think he now fully understands that I am here for the long haul. I will never abandon him,I will never let him out of my life. Not ever.

Last night was very intense - and even a bit weird, when you think about it. As he lay there - blindfolded and ties spread eagle on his back, I went all over his body -  with my hands and with my mouth. It has been a long time since I have had that cock in my mouth. he tasted very very good. I actually would have liked to "finish him off" right there - in my mouth but, damn it, then I wouldn't have his hard cock inside me and I wanted, needed to feel that delicious feeling of being filled up with him. he was very aroused, and I mean VERY aroused. I knew he would have difficulty with orgasm denial this time, so I put on a cock ring. then I straddled him with the intent of sliding that hard cock deep inside me.

That isn't exactly how things went. his cock simply wasn't hard enough. No matter what I did, it did not look like this fuck session was going to happen after all. I taunted him - making fun of his pathetic performance, and complaining that he wasn't aroused by his Mistress. he protested. he loudly protested. he kept saying that he was so aroused he didn't know how he was going to hold back, even with a cock ring. he didn't have a clue why this was happening ti him, especially when he was, and had been all day, so eager and so aroused. After a great deal of effort, I final had that cock inside me - damn!! it felt so good riding him like that. I ordered him to put his knees up - that drives him crazy because it pushed him even deeper. Well, it drives me crazy as well.

That fuck was very hot and very heavy. It was pure animalistic and as soon as he orgasmed (as I figured he would) I also exploded. It was beyond description, but when I felt that heat of his juices flooding inside me I came as well. And I can tell you for certain that this was the first "G-spot" orgasm I had experienced in this position. It was magnificent. It was completely delicious. and I felt sooooo gooooood.

In hindsight, I think the tensions, the disagreements, the pressures of the past couple of weeks were all released in that moment of fusion. And it was fusion. And it was wonderful.

Zack never fails to satisfy. I am a very lucky Mistress.

As Always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

And So It Goes...

It's 4:48 am. Zack is sleeping peacefully beside me. I'm very glad because he truly needs the rest. In a little while I'll get up and make hum breakfast while he showers. I know, it ought to be the other way around but  as much as I love his servitude and his desire to serve, I love to take care of him as well - just like a mother takes care of her child. I feel that for Zack as well.... A mother's kind of love.

I wish I could protect him from the pressures that eat away at  him on a daily basis. I wish I could bundle him into my car and take him far far away from here. I can't, I know that. What I can do is always make sure that no matter what, I will care for him deeply and I will love him with everything inside me. Hopefully that will be enough.



Oh, and he fucking snores .... Great.



As Always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

Mistress's perfect greeting

I've been craving Mistress since early this morning. As the time approached, these cravings intensified. I needed Mistress Sarah.

I love Mistress. I showed up early, which irritated her...and she let me know this. As she admonished me in a stern voice, I felt like I had come home.

She ordered me to get on my knees. I loved her tone of voice so much. I don't think she realizes how connected I feel to Mistress when she speaks to me like that. When she's in her leather, basically venturing into being a Leather Bitch, it does things to me that are impossible to describe.

She teased me by bringing my tongue close to her perfect pussy. Then she gave me permission to do what I needed so badly: pleasing her orally.

Mistress seemed to get more aroused as she talked about me getting her ready in this way for her future black lover. Her arousal intensified. Mistress has given me permission to write this. In fact, she ordered me to write this.

Mistress seemed to have an explosive orgasm. Mistress wants me to observe her on her date with her new black friend on Thursday. The thought of this level of intimacy is such a turn on. Mistress and I have a level of trust that is reaching new heights....and it makes me very very happy.

I love Mistress so so so so so much.

slave zack

Making Plans....

4 hours. That is when he will be here. From the moment he walks through that door he will surrender everything - his thoughts, his will, his burden. he already understands that he is not permitted to talk - and trust me, that will be extremely hard for him. He never shuts his fucking mouth. Tonight, his mouth will only be allowed to open when he is either eating pussy or getting his face fucked. Otherwise he truly better just shut the fuck up. When he walks through that door he ceases to exist.

Things will happen so fast he won't have the opportunity to do anything else. His routine will change - usually, when he comes here, he hangs up his coat, strips off his clothes and comes and kneels beside the bed waiting for instruction. he won't have a chance because I will be ready for him. The instant that door opens, he will be forced to his knees. he will experience me as he never has before.  His instruction and my Dominance will begin immediately. Knowing zack, he will be in subspace instantly. What he experiences tonight will be something he has never experienced. I will own him, be in total control of him in ways he has never been controlled. And when I am done with him he will sleep lovingly in my arms - drained and contented. I dare say I will be quite contented as well.

I shared some information with zack today. Last week I had a lunch date with a black man I recently met online. The lunch was our first meeting. We hit it off and he wants to take me out for dinner on Thursday, and then a show. zack is beside himself - my just telling him this almost caused him to orgasm spontaneously. He wants to help me prepare for the date. zack wants to wait for me here so I can come back after my date and fuck him mercilessly. He actually would love it if I brought my date back here and then gagged zack, restrained him in a chair, put him in the closet where he would be forced to listen to me fuck the black man.  I have to say, I think I would enjoy that very much. I just don't know yet if this is the right black man for that. We'll see.

If it does turn out that I come back to the apt after my date to fuck zack, he knows he is not allowed to cum, but he loves it that way. My orgasms are far more important than his are anyway. And orgasm denial keeps him exactly where I want him.

Tonight is going to be fantastic. zack plans on posting his experience here tomorrow, so stay tuned.

As always,
Love, Mistress Sarah

Mistress's fantasy

Mistress Sarah has been open with me about her desire to fuck a black man in front of me.. I can tell that this turns her on intensely.

I also know that Mistress Sarah loves me and that this fantasy should never be interpreted as a lack of love for me. I get that totally and completely.

I want Mistress Sarah to know that whatever turns her on can be very erotic for me. I will be her total loving slave when this day comes...and I'm sure it will.

I hope Mistress Sarah realizes that I'm her total slut, her total whore, and I will enjoy being her cuckhold for this fantasy.

I will be in total subspace.

She can sneer at me or she can just order me to shut the fuck up. I might even have to sit in another room and listen. I recognize that this is a possibility.

As Mistress's whore, I don't discount the possibility that she might even order me to suck on her lover's cock to get him hard for her.

I'm not expecting that. But if ordered to do so...or if it was what Mistress desired, I will follow all of her instructions.

That's because I'm Mistress's total whore.

Update...

As you can see from zack's post below.. we are getting together tonight. as a matter of fact, I am going to have the opportunity of taking total control of this slut for the entire night and I am already making plans. he has no idea what is store for him, but he is going to totally love it although at this point he may not agree. I have forbidden him to think or to speak once he enters the apartment. from that moment, he is MINE. Mine to use, to play with, to treat in whatever manner I wish.

With the situation as it is, I am only taking this one day at a time, but i think I have made it clear to zack that I am always here. He needs to understand that if he is to get through the challenges he has ahead of him, he MUST stay connected to me. I am his only release from the burdens he carries.

he needs this. We both need this.

happy day

I get to see Mistress Sarah tonight.
She will use me like the slut I am.
I'm so so so so so happy.

Slave Zack

Progress?

zack and I exchanged emails this morning. He wants to get together Thursday or Friday so we'll see.
At least he doesn't seem to angry with me anymore.  That's improvement, right?

Update?...

Not much to tell. I have not spoken with zack since that incident on Tues. I have emailed him and shared with him how I was feeling, and apologizing for not being "more sensitive" to the situation. I let him know that I was not angry or upset with him.  His only communication has been an email saying he didn't want to talk about it - that he hoped I would understand how distressed he was at the time, and, that he was not doing very well now.

As a result, I don't know how he is coping, I do not know how his wife is (I suppose it really is none of my business, however). I do know that along with managing his wife's situation (I am assuming she is still in hospital) the next 2 weeks are probably his busiest of the year and that he is also swamped with work.

So, I am backing off. If he wants me he will have to let me know. I am not chasing after him, it isn't my style, but I hope he continues to understand that I will always be here - if he wants me.  If he doesn't want my support - now or ever- there isn't a thing I can do about it.

But I do know zack. I also know that the extend of his wife's injuries and subsequent surgery will result in her being immobile for some time. There is absolutely no way zack will spend time with me knowing his wife is at home, alone and  incapacitated. His conscience would never allow him to do that.

He will, however, get what he has desired for sometime, albeit a weird variation. he will have his 24/7 submissive relationship. I, however, won't be any part of that. That leaves me quite heartbroken.

No matter what, he will always be the greatest love of my life.

And Here It Is..

There is no doubt zack will be angry I posted this here, but I need to if for no other reason than it allows me to sort things out in my mind - the mind that has been reeling since Tuesday morning.

I'll go back to last weekend and if you have been reading our blog for a while, you will know that we are both married, just not to each other. If you want details, please do back to the beginning. There are many reasons why neither of us can change our situations.

Last weekend, my husband was a total jerk. So much so that I am seriously contemplating moving out. When he gets like this, I become very stressed out, very agitated and in a great deal of need to vent. On Sat evening, I called zack's office - not with the intent of speaking with him, but to just blast off on his voice mail. I have done this before and it does help hearing his voice and being able to let all of my frustrations out all at once. It is a good compromise to having him directly under my control and venting physically on him.

But I called his voice mail and he answered. Now, THAT pissed me off and I told him so. It was just another straw in the camel's back. Anyway, I vented to him about what had gone on at home - his response?? he laughed. HE LAUGHED. How fucking stupid (and insensitive to his Mistress's needs) can one person be?? THEN, he blew me off and hung up. THAT did not do anything towards making me feel better.

The weekend got even worse at home and by Sunday evening, I had pretty much had it with all men in general. If anyone stopped by here, they would have read a pretty hostile post I wrote (which I have since removed). I also wrote a scathing email to zack on the same subject. Venting. It's what I do when under stress. he knows that.

Anyway, on Monday evening, zack and I were emailing back and forth - he was at work - and he was, in hindsight  in as stressful a place as I was.The situation was prime for a disaster and it came. We were both kind of settling down when he sent me a message:

My wife just called from the hospital.
She said she broke her leg.
It was a hit and run accident.
She's a very careless pedestrian...
I have to go.
I love you

And then he was gone. My next message said I hoped she was ok. But my head was in turmoil. I am a healthcare person. I instantly know how these things can go. I also know that his wife is all about the drama. I played over scenario after scenario in my mind. She may have been exaggerating. It wasn't the police that called, it wasn't the hospital after all. It was her. I didn't get a sense from zack's email that the call was very critical. But I knew enough that if she indeed had suffered even a simple fracture, she would require all kinds of continuous care and it would be zack whom she would demand it from. She would never allow him to hire a home support worker to help her. My mind kept on as it always does - and in every direction. What I also know is that zack does not handle these kinds of situations well. he does not handle illness, and definitely does not do hospitals. he is very squeamish..

I sent a couple of emails  to zack expressing my random thoughts. he has always encouraged me to be open with him, I never have to fear and hold things back. In hindsight, I was coming across as pretty self centered. I was concerned very much about his well-being for sure, and I expressed concern about our relationship and the impact his having to deliver so much more support to his wife, if her leg really was broken, on our relationship. I slept very poorly that night. I was very worried about zack's mental well being through all this.

While I was driving to work early in Tuesday morning, I got a couple of one line emails from zack. I knew then he was in his office and the emails gave no indication of crisis. I was still worried about him and so I called.

When he answered I asked him how he was doing. he said how he was doing didn't matter. I told him that yes, he did matter. That was when "IT" happened. He simply snapped. Suddenly, he was yelling at me. He was very very angry. In essence, he said he was very disappointed in my previous emails and that I was a selfish BITCH, that I showed no compassion or even caring about a woman in severe agony with a seriously broken leg and knee. (Don't forget i had no knowledge of this) I hung up on him, I couldn't take that from him and especially after the past weekend with my husband.

Her leg is badly broken. She has had surgery. zack has been where he ought to be - with her. I don't have a problem with that. I wouldn't expect anything less of him. But I think he will end up ending our relationship. he was very very angry with me.

HOW????

How can a relationship that was so very good go so very bad so quickly? My mind is reeling.

Reader Question...

In reference to zack's latest confession, I am wondering if our readers think his fears are justified.. If you have been reading this blog for sometime, you will have a sense of who I am and what I am like and I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.. maybe you can give zack some advise. I don't mind that he is apprehensive, it is the not knowing that sends him deep into subspace - and I like him there.

We spent the evening together last night. I also have a confession - there is nothing I take greater delight in that fucking this slut - body and mind (and I am VERY good at fucking his mind!) all the while demanding that he not cum - I know the exact moment that I need to back off, but he knows how pissed I would be if he disobeyed me on this.. he is NOT TO CUM. Period. I may never let him cum again. I delighted in his responses last night as he was almost in tears and he chanted "i don't want to be in trouble, i don't want to be in trouble" then "oh my GOD, do you know what you are doing to me???" LOL. I knew exactly what I was doing to him.

So, zack needs to understand that I know exactly what I am doing, and I know exactly what he can handle and what he can't. He also needs to trust that i have no intentions of raping him. When I fuck his ass (and trust me I will) it will be him begging me to do it..