Out on a Date and I am Hopeless!

Yesterday "Janelle" came to my apartment. It was a very casual visit and she was very comfortable there. She lay on my bed while we talked. she was wearing a long skirt, which she allowed to ride up while she lounged so i could see her legs.  We had talked about taking things as they come and "going slow" no pressure on anyone, so I didn't make any moves although in hindsight she was giving off signals. 

We soon went to my car and went out for dinner, where we talked for hours. It was very casual, no stress no awkward moments. It was all very easy. At one point in the conversation she told me that she was submissive and always relied on the other person to "make the first move". I laughed and told her I was dominate and had no problem making moves. I told her I was always on top lol.

I told her about zack. well, not all about zack - just that he existed and that I fuck him once in a while. Not that he is my part time slave. Seems she is in a similar situation. The talk got to threesomes. She wondered if I might be interested in meeting her guy "he is tall,  has a great body, and also has a fantastic cock". She asked if she could send him my pic and vice versa. I told her yes.

Unfortunately, I had to go home early - there wasn't an opportunity to hang out in my "lovenest". But when I took her back to her car, we sat in mine for a while and talked some more. I put my hand on her leg, I slid my hand under her skirt and stroked her thigh. Her skin is very soft, as I expected it would be. I suppose I should have kissed her, but I didn't. Something was holding me back.

I fantasized on the way home. In my mind I say her and I with her guy in between us in bed. And I saw zack - tied to a chair, naked and hooded. he could  listen while the 3 of us romped in the bed - me eating her pussy, she eating mine, me fucking her guy's face, her sucking zack's cock, her guy sucking zack's cock,. or me forcing zack to suck his. i mean, put 4 horny people in a room and anything can happen. zack, however, would simply be one of the toys to be used for our pleasure.

Later, laying in bed, I realized what held me back. It was zack. And it was guilt. ironically, I never experienced guilt when i started the affair with zack. I am such a bitch, I never gave my husband a 2nd thought. I never have - not from the very first day.  But I LOVE zack. If zack isn't a part of this, the interest isn't there for me. I guess the attraction is being with a woman while zack watches. Just the thought of him being in the room listening arouses me. 

so, I guess we wait and see..

As always, 

Love, Sarah

on a Different Train of Thought.....

 Met "her" for coffee last evening. She is very beautiful and interesting. I suspect she may be a bit "high maintenance" however, and she talked a lot about herself (sigh), but we had a good time and seemed to connect - we walked and  talked for  over  an  hour after the coffee  shop closed. There definitely  was  chemistry and  we are  getting together  on Friday again.

She has  had some interesting  sexual  experiences-including three-somes.   there may be hope for Zack watching  the action  after all .

As always,

Love, Sarah

Relationships ... Who Knew???

Today is a new day. In the clear light of day it is evident that relationships are not simple, they aren't cut and dried and they definitely aren't smooth - sailing off into the sunset. Relationships are usually tumultuous, often confusing, complicated and often cause you to end up wondering if it really is worth it. zack will tell you that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  It is for this simple reason that any relationship is going to have times when one of the players is confused about the state of things. It is that way for every "normal" relationship - 2 people together. zack and I have many odds against us - the first one is the inability to actually communicate on a regular basis. And when I say "communicate" I mean talk, not email.

Unfortunately, email has become our main method of expressing ourselves to each other. Trust me, that is a very dangerous place to get to, because you can type the words, but you have no idea what is happening for that other person when they read them.. I think we oght to expect any kind of reaction, and usually not the one we are expecting.

 I will be the first to say that in our relationship I have had my fair share of times when I behaved irrationally about us. But when I talk about this past weekend, I am being very honest when I say that zack blew me out of the water. I did not expect his responses to me.  And this is one time when I will say that I was a totally innocent victim. zack pushed me to the wall and pinned me there (figuratively) and I pushed back. Ergo - he got the "fuck you" response.

I am not going to make excuses for zack. Myself, you are so correct, he is always front and center in his mind - although he would never admit to that. I actually think he hasn't read your comments here because he doesn't like it when people see him in that light. I see it, I know it exists in him. I am not blind to his behavior. Simply put, he is what he is. and for better or worse, I love him anyway. We are all selfish at one point or another in our lives.  But not only does he think mostly about what he wants, he also takes all the blame for everything as well - and last weekend he was taking all of the blame for my mood. So, his "selfishness" isn't just in his favor, but to his detriment as well.

I need to work on that. You know why I let him be that way, but I will confess it gets to me as well sometimes. I read once that in an M/s relationship it is actually the sub who is in control - because the Dom needs to always be aware of what is going on for them and pull back when it isn't working. The sub's responses to any situation actually control the Dom's next move - whether in discipline or punishment or taking pleasure. So, I guess you can say that zack control's what happens in this relationship. What I need to learn is how to take back some of that control - not to such a point that it doesn't work for him, but to a point where my needs are being addressed more often.

He's a man. He told me on the weekend that he was "a (occupation) so he wasn't that dense" I told him he was also a man, and as such, he is dense in many things.  So, he needs reminding - over and over and over. I told him what he needs to do EVERY TIME I am upset about something is to ASK if he has done something to upset me - rather than jumping to a conclusion that he has and then get defensive.

Anyway, we continue to move forward. I have no fucking idea where we are going, but we are still going. This will not be our last dispute, of that I am certain.

As always,
Love, Sarah

There is No Way I Can Win Here...

zack and his ego seem to always think everything is all about him.

Yes, I told him to fuck off. - because he believes that **I** am the one that creates the drama in his life. He thinks that my mood has to do with his not being available to me last week.. when in reality  In reality I was disappointed, but I never gave it another thought. I was not upset because he couldn't get away.. He doesn't want me to depend on him to meet my needs , and yet when I don't, he still makes it all about him.

I am depressed. I have crap going on in my life that I would love to just run away from.  I was at the apartment on Friday working and I told zack that if he could stop by, I could use some sense of control, I could use the opportunity to get rid of some tension on his ass. he is my release valve and that is it.  He couldn't make it. Now he seems to think that my mood is related to his unavailability. Jesus!! How stupid can one person be?? I was in a bad frame of mind BEFORE Friday.. so whatever did or didn't happen Friday has nothing to do with it.

So, this morning, he started his usual "you should find someone who won't disappoint you like I do" routine.
I tried several times to explain that my mood now is not because he is or isn't available. It is because of the crap that is going on elsewhere in my life - at work and in my family, there is something going on with my vision and I am not able to get the work done that I need to get done because I can't fucking see. I have to sell the furniture at the apartment but I am not getting any responses to my ads. I have a co-worker lording it over me, stealing my work and passing it off as her own. I have almost 30 work projects to get done. Don't even get me started on my school stuff - which includes setting up research fo my thesis. My daughter's ex-husband is trying to take her kids away from her. Oh, and the woman I had hoped to connect with? She just can't get into a relationship with me if I am not going to tell my husband about it because she doesn't think it's "fair". Fine, She can fuck off too.  (BTW zack hasn't even been gracious enough to ask me what is going on in my life that has me so upset - proof positive to me that it is irrelevant in his mind). I have enough fucking drama in my life - I sure don't need to create more.

He thought I was out on a date last night. that got him all excited and horny.  He misunderstood what I told him - I wasn't on a date. I went to the movies, planned on going alone but my husband invited himself to tag along - my "date". His comments here, and emails he sent me, makes me think that this is all he wants from me. If I am not arousing him, if I actually allow life to get in the way of that, then I guess in his eyes I am creating drama.

yes indeed, I told him to fuck off. The whole fucking world can get blown to smitherines and I wouldn't give a rat's ass. Who needs it anyway??