I did something stupid. I "put myself out there" with some idea of replacing Zack. I mean, although i love him fiercely, if i can't be with him what am i to do? Shrivel up and die? I have just too much life to live. Zack has told me more than once that he wants me to be happy, and if that means taking another lover then he is ok with that. Very magnanimous of him. I would never be that generous.
So, i started chatting with a very interesting man. This looked promising. He is a high level executive who is looking for exactly what i have to offer - domination.
We made a date. That is when the strangest thing happened to me.
You may have read this blog from the beginning so you might know that Zack and I are both married - just not to each other. We have been in this relationship for 3 years. At no point have i experienced an ounce of guilt about "cheating" on my marriage. I have felt nothing for my husband for years. He's a jerk.
Anyway, i made this date. As soon as arrangements were made i was struck with overwhelming feelings of despair. I started crying. For days i cried. I finally realized i could not go on this date. I was taken over by the worst feelings of guilt i have every felt. I was besought, consumed with guilt. This was cheating on Zack. No matter what our situation is, i absolutely can not cheat on him. I cancelled the date and cut off communication.
Now, how crazy twisted is that???
I may be seeing Zack on Wednesday. I have no idea how that is going to go. I don't want to fight with him. I don't even want to discuss this. I just want to love him and feel his love for me. I just can't take any more of the distance between us.
Like it or not, meeting Zack was a watershed moment for me. There is no turning back. My life has completely changed course. There are uncharted waters ahead.
Sarah
