Mistress gets better every day

I had a perfect day with Mistress yesterday. I was finally able to buy her some leather, which I've wanted to do for quite some time. I loved how she collared me in the store. She is my true love.

Sarah is revealing more about her desires and this is really turning me on. For the first time, she talked about Total Power Exchange. I'm a slut, and I had never heard this phrase before.

I must admit that it's extremely enticing, mainly because I know it would make Sarah happy and because she is totally trustworthy. Sarah is not abusive. She gives me what I need and I try to give her what she needs.

I wouldn't consider TPE with anyone but Sarah. She has a very nurturing side in addition to a very Dominant side. She's adorable and powerful. Quite simply, she's the very best Mistress I could ever have.

I especially love it when she pees on me because I love the sensation of her warm urine on my skin. She has only done this twice. These events have a profound effect. It's intimate, but there's also some shame for me at a certain level, which I need to feel periodically as a true submissive. It's very hard to put into words. I don't know why humiliation has some appeal -- not always, but sometimes. I think Sarah would like to give me more of this, but she holds back sometimes because she has so much love in her heart.

Over time, I think she will become more accustomed to forcing me to be a total slut and engaging in this type of behaviour a little more often.

I loved going out to a restaurant with her, and having her tell the waitress what I'll have. I could get very used to her being Bossy in this way much more often.

I love Sarah very much.

Zack

A Glorious Way to End the Year..."

After more than 100 emails in the previous 2 days, Zack and I decided we had to meet this morning. He has been wanting to buy me a leather skirt, and I will admit, I have always wanted one. I checked a store on line, found a skirt I loved and we set the time to meet at the local outlet store. I still wasn't sure if I would let him purchase it for me - I have a bit of a hang up with someone else paying for things for me. I can't really even accept a gift graciously - there is always this feeling of "obligation", that nothing comes without a price tag, or a string or 2 attached.

We met about 30 minutes before the store opened. It was so wonderful to see Zack again!! True to form, the first thing I wanted to do was take him somewhere and fuck his brains out. I'm sure he thinks I only want him for sex - but being the total slut that he is, I doubt that would bother him much anyway! LOL.

We made out in my car, and we talked. We talked a lot about us, and where we were going in this relationship. We talked about my last blog post and what it would be like to be a 24/7 couple. I told him that I had forgotten one detail he would also be responsible for - keeping the fuckmobile clean and stocked with kleenex. He said he would gladly do that, so I told him he was hired. I think he likes the idea.

"What Will Be..."

What would life be for Zack and I as a 24/7 couple? Zack has asked Me to detail what that might be like - what would his role be and what would Mine be? Well, I have demonstrated a pretty creative imagination in the past, and I have a pretty good idea what Zack would like so, let's give it a try...

First of all, W/we would begin O/our life in a completely new city - one that works for U/us both and one where no one knows U/us. I like it warm, so My choice is San Diego - there are great job opportunities for Me there. I would work - possibly as a consultant from home, or perhaps as a college instructor. I would be the provider working outside the home. Oh, Zack could work, if he chose to and as long as I approved not only the work but the time invested as well; his first priority and obligation would be to Me and O/our home.

O/our home. How beautiful that sounds to Me. What a dream. I see U/us in a high rise apartment/condo overlooking the water. I would love lots of glass - lots of windows and lots of view. Being a bit of an exhibitionist, I would be delighted if other buildings had views into O/our home as well. Perhaps those folks would learn something about this kind of relationship. O/our furnishings would be contemporary and simplistic. Definitely appropriately coordinated. And to complete the picture, Zack would be there - naked, wearing his collar and ready to serve.

Since we would be new to the city, we would need to seek out other M/s couples. There is nothing better, I think, than sharing the lifestyle with friends. Everyone needs friends, and W/we would definitely have them. I actually love to entertain, in the right circumstances - and I can see Zack and I hosting many parties. Just think of the play possibilities!

Serving Sarah

As the new year dawns, I feel that Sarah and I are reaching a deeper understanding and an even deeper compatibility. This week, we focused some time on domestic chores. One of my most primal desires is to be her domestic slave. I want to wash dishes, clean the bathroom, and vacuum in the nude for her on an ongoing basis. I learned some new things about voluntary servitude. She was very open to this idea and, in fact, welcomed me as her domestic houseboy, which made me very happy.

Sarah doesn't fully realize how happy I am serving her. She thinks she gets it, but I don't think she comprehends the joy I feel when I do something as simple as fetch her a bucket of ice.

She is also talking a lot more about taking me to meet other couples, where she can put me on display as her slave. I welcome this completely.

I am Sarah's slut. I felt so good when she told me that she needs my submission just as much as I need her Dominance. I think 2012 is going to be a very good year.

Zack

Fantasizing again...

I am missing Zack like crazy - he wonders if I obsess about him - I'm here to say oh yeah, I obsess alright. I have this fantasy about kidnapping Zack and spiriting him away to a secret place where I will own him totally - there will be no outside world, no pressures, no interruptions for a couple of days. My realistic mind tells me this is just a fantastic dream of mine, a dream that will never materialize. But there is a part of me that thinks it just might happen if I want it bad enough. And I do want this to happen.. sooooo bad, I think more than anything I have ever wanted. As a result, the scenario has been in My head constantly this week..picking up Zack, locking him in the backseat, nice and secure and blindfolded, completely "in the dark" (in more ways than 1) about where W/we were going. I have the place all picked out - quiet, isolated, a place where no one knows U/us, a place where, if I chose, I could publicly show him off as My slutty slave - and for 2 full days he would be all Mine, My slave meeting only My needs and in doing that, feeling complete for the first time - W/we would both feel complete at last.

I will continue to fantasize - to dream of having Zack all to Myself. In the meantime, I am missing him so much. He is sick this week and all I want is for him feel better and I know I am just the person to do that for him. W/we both always feel better when W/we are together - I hope I get to hold him very soon.

Obsessing about Obsessions

Zack is feeling a little needy right now - he wants Me to write about My obsession for him. Now, I know I shouldn't indulge him too much, but I like keeping him on the edge, and since I practise orgasm denial on him, this keeps him nice and fired up.. it makes him much more willing to serve Me and as a result, makes him a much better slave.

Zack doesn't really have a clear idea of how obsessed I really am about him - suffice it to say, I have an obsessive personality at the best of times. I'm pretty sure I have ADD (so does he) because I am also very very impulsive as well. The combination of these 2 traits not only creates a lot of excitement, it can also cause Me some trouble as well. He knows a little, but he doesn't know how often I have "stalked" him over the past 2 years. Yes, I can be extremely obsessive. That said, I would never do anything that would harm him in anyway. This is NOT a "Fatal Attraction" kind of scenario.

Sarah's wish

I am honored that Sarah trusts me to find her a female slave. I will do this with all the sincerity and dedication I can muster.

I love Sarah. Her pleasure is what motivates me.

Zack

Just So I Am Clear...

The post below does not mean I am replacing Zack.. far from it! Adding a 2nd slave to our play will be as exciting for him as it will be for Me. While I play with the little bitch, Zack will be observing - and also learning new techniques and identifying things that he can do for me as well.

Of course, I will take great pleasure in forcing my 2 slaves to work together for my enjoyment. There are untold scenarios I can come up with!
But first things first - I need to create a list of preferences and then Zack has to figure out how to make it happen for Me. He is a smart boy, I am confident he will come through with a winner - that W/we can both enjoy.

Now I've Gone and Done It!...

I can't sleep. When I do, a new obsession fills my dreams. The dreams are so arousing that I masturbate to relax enough to go back to sleep - knowing the same dreams will re-occur, welcoming that.

In a recent post on the forum at Slaveduties BDSM Community, I talked about ordering Zack to find me another slave. That was a test - I wanted to see how he would respond. He responded perfectly, saying he would do his best to ensure my pleasure and my happiness, even though I know that sharing his Mistress is not on his list of desires.

I have never been with a woman, and have only occasionally fantasized about this throughout My life - never taking it seriously, never wishing to bring the fantasy to life. When I told Zack to find Me another slave, I told him to find a she-bitch. A very submissive woman who knows her place, who will welcome the pain/pleasure I would deliver, who would be as good a slut as I could ever want. A little bitch who would beg Me to use My crop, My teeth, clamps, My whip, My toys on her - and who would experience euphoria as a result.

I read several posts on the Slaveduties community forum last night, many of the posts written by the bitch slaves there - those little sluts have opened a floodgate of visions, of desires, of dreams for Me. Now "she" has occupied my mind, my dreams, my fantasies. Where I was only talking before, testing Zack, I now mean it. I want that little bitch slut under me, and I want her soon!

Zack is about to get some very specific orders - he had better be successful! 

Conditioning Zack for More Control..

Of all the things I want to do with Zack, fucking his ass is number 1 on My hit parade. This in itself is somewhat surprising to Me.. When Zack and I came to the revelation of O/our connection as Mistress and slave, he asked Me if I wanted to get a strap-on and fuck him in the ass. At that time, I was still trying to figure Myself out and how I fit into this life. Getting a strap-on was the furthest from My mind and I told him that. He admitted then that the idea made him very, very nervous as well,.

But, as time goes by, as W/we try different things, the idea keeps coming back to Me. So much so that now, My #1 goal is to fuck him in a way no one has ever done, or ever will do. I want to have the ultimate control and power over him. So, the "training" has begun.

I've done a crazy amount of reading on the topic, watched videos, and bought a variety of anal toys.(Before coming to this lifestyle I was soooo vanilla - and sex shops were evil places to avoid.. LOL - now they are my favourite hangout!) What I have learned is that this is going to be an amazing experience for Zack if  I do it right. As well as just plain old fucking his ass, I have purchased a prostate massager - the video I watched turned me on so much - the thought of turning Zack into that kind of a mindless, blubbering idiot is a huge turn on. So, today I told him that what I was going to do to him was this:  I will get him to accept the prostate massager into the gorgeous tight little ass of his. While he is experiencing that A spot orgasm, I will be fucking his face and sucking on his cock all at the same time. Talk about being fucked!! Zack is going to be one very lucky slave!

So, last week, I got as far as inserting the tip of My finger into his ass. You would have thought I was raping him, he got so worked up. So I stopped. In reflection, I think I am being a little too soft on him. He wants Me to do more, he wants Me to use him, abuse him,  he wants Me to humiliate him - and yet I have been holding back. It's time for me to get my big Mistress boots on and be who I need to be.

I'll make sure Zack posts his thoughts on last week's session, as well as subsequent ones.
Stay tuned!

It Never Takes Me Very Long...,

Zack says I have an insatiable appetite - he's right. But let's face it, he is such a slut he wouldn't have it any other way. So, here I am getting ready for bed and it's been 5 days since I have had the opportunity to use him the way he LOVES to be used. He loves being treated like so much meat.. One thing he finds particularly appealing is when I show up at his work, and order him to come to my car (he has nick-named it the "Fuckmobile"). Actually, I call him at his office and tell him to get his fucking ass into my car - NOW!  he does come running, that's for sure. He makes such a great sex toy -and he has the most perfect cock for me to ride.  And he isn't allowed to cum until he has been very very good. If he does, well, he knows there just might be a risk of him being replaced by a new slave who has a greater ability to restrain himself. The fact that he says I am "just too perfect, just too sexy" doesn't cut him any slack with me. I hope he always keeps this in the back of his mind - keeping him off kilter simply makes him a better slave.
he hasn't been very successful lately at holding off, so, he won't get the opportunity to feel that cock of his inside me anytime soon- which is most unfortunate, but it is a damned good thing his face is so perfect for fucking, because that's all he is going to get for a while.At least I am certain to have an explosive orgasm this way. Last week I fucked his face twice in very short order - I grin when I think about it, because he made the comment that the last time I fucked him like I "definitely meant it" - it was pretty intense.I wonder if he was even able to breath. lol.
I'm going to get him into the fuckmobile tomorrow afternoon - I'm horny and I need that mother fucker soon.
He is supposed to be posting his thoughts here about our last scene - I took him just beyond his edge, so it will be interesting to read that.
Now, it's time to sleep, and to dream (and probably masturbate) about Zack.

Good night, dear readers. Stay tuned.

Every Week a New Lesson...

I wonder when we will ever get the hang of this?
Both Zack and I were sick on the weekend - we were both experiencing dizziness for a couple of days. it was very weird.

Then, Zack sent me an email yesterday saying he was quite "down" - I knew imediately what that was about - unfortunately, he had fallen asleep on Thursday when I was reading to him from the website "The Science Behind BDSM" - he is experiencing "sub-drop". Ironically, i was feeling exactly the same way , but there was no mention of "Dom-drop" anywhere :-(

I kept searching - I mean, there is so much about subs and their care – sub space, after care, sub drop, yet, not a single word about what the Dominant goes through after a scene where she has pushed her slave to the limit and beyond. Maybe we are supposed to be unfeeling bitches that just do what they do and take everything in stride.. like our neurotransmitters remain constant, like we need nothing.. I simply don't beleive it. I suspect there are Doms out there that are EXACTLY like that, but I am not one of them. Lucky for me, I decided to check out one of my favorites sites The Steel-Door.

The entire article is very insightful, but primarily it explains how a Mistress also feels the drain from being the one "in control" whenever they are with their sub. I hope Zack has the time to read it. Not that he has these types of expectations on me, but sometimes I feel like I need to be "in control" whenever we are together. I guess it is a matter of feeling it is necessary for me to ensure his needs are met. i put the pressure on myself. Then, when we are apart I too experience that 'drop". We need to figure out a way to over come that.



OMG!!!...

I am basking in the deliciousness that is Zack. From my perspective, we had an absolutely fantastic afternoon. Zack came with the intent to please me and he came through in spades. He gave it his all. If there were ANY doubt (there wasn't, but if there were) about his ability to be my slut, it does not exist now. I was able to push him to his "edge" and a little bit beyond.

I am not sure he fully understands why I give him pain, or why I want that ass of his. The pain can be fully explained via the link I added this morning "The Science Behind BDSM". Read it, the info there is fascinating.

Turning Pain into Pleasure...

Zack has a hard time with pain. He is terrified of it. He wants to be able to handle it for Me, he wants to experience pain as pleasure, but doesn't know how. I'm trying to help him - I know what I have to do when I have to tolerate pain - I "go to my happy place" - but it's tough to explain the mechanism of that. So, true to form - I'm doing research. Here are some tips I found to how to make that nipple clamping, flogging, or spanking something you only want more of.

The pain in this world is inevitable. A good relationship finds a way to make the experience the best it can be.

Zack Continues to Amaze me...

I actually don't know what to say - What Zack wrote below is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said about Me, or to Me. I'm stuck for words, I am completely caught off guard by his passion and his very obvious devotion to Me.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives. I have planned things quite carefully, but we all know about the plans of mice and men...
"The best laid schemes of mice and men / Go oft awry" (Robert Burns, 1785)

We'll see if things go as planned, won't we??

Zack wrote me earlier and mentioned that he was experiencing a "little fear". A little fear is good now and then, especially in this kind of relationship. I intentionally keep him a little "off kilter" - this maintains his level of anticipation. An Alpha Bitch always strikes a little fear in the pack - it keeps them on their toes and paying attention. Zack needs to pay attention and to remember that although I love him desperately, I do demand a certain level of respect and servitude from him. I am not playing a game - this is very serious to me. I hope it is as serious to him. I guess we'll see, won't we??

Zack will receive an order to write his thoughts, feelings and impressions of the events of the day on this blog. I simply can't wait to read it

Sarah's feminine charms

I'm working, but I couldn't help but drag myself away because I needed contact with Sarah... even if it's just to read an email or a post from her on this blog.

Normally, I don't venture into all the links that Sarah has placed on this site. But this morning, I was curious to read the BDSM quote of the day. That was something I hadn't seen on the right hand side. I went there, and came across the following blog post. Here's part of what was written....

"Todays question: Do I really need to be a bitch to be dominant?...So yesterday I wondered on the soft side of being Domme. Do I really need to be a bitch to be perceived as a Domme? My answer is no. I actually think that my soft side gives the Domme side of me more impact. I am, in the beautiful sense, a real bitch to a man Sub to me but I am also a loving woman, and the woman side of me is whats makes me a great Domme. I am a powerful and strong minded woman but still in every sense a true woman will all the female attributes....I use my attributes and my strong will to get my Sub were I want...So as much as I love being a bitch I love being a woman - soft and strong at the same time and I do not in any way feel that that makes me any less dominant."
This could have been written by Sarah. She's so beautiful and so feminine. But she's also so strong and decisive. Her feminine side....her beauty, her smile, her love...these things hooked me. But I could sense there was a different undercurrent with her. She would decide when and how to fuck me. She took the initiative. She decided if she was going to do something outrageous, like oral sex in the fuckmobile. Gradually, I became more and more immersed and taken under her spell, to the point where I am now completely wrapped around her finger.

But even though she has a side of her that's a very Dominant Bitch, never lose sight of the fact that she's also a stunningly beautiful, feminine woman.

Any woman who is reading this and who is inspired by Sarah's journey should keep this in mind. Sarah is all woman. Nowhere is this more obvious than when she straddles me, on top, and takes my big hard cock inside her. FOR HER PLEASURE. It's not about me. It's about her. I love Sarah very much.

Zack

The Evolution of the Mistress and the slave...

And here we are, at long last. What I am feeling is quite difficult to explain, to analyze. I'll try.

I love the note Zack wrote below. This is one of those rare times when he has exposed his heart and shared what is there. He feels as I do: safe at last. He has shared his vulnerability. I need that. In a perverse sort of way it defines his suitability to become a very good slave.
I don't think I really believed that before.

I suspect I believed this was just a game he thought he wanted to play and that if the game got a little tough, if *I* got a little tough, he would pack up his toys and go home. In all aspects of my life, that has been the case: constant recriminations for being a strong willed, domineering bitch rather than the demure little lady. So the bitch has been kept under wraps for many years. The chained tiger has been aching to be set free.

I believe Zack now - I am not sure why now and not before, but it doesn't matter. I trust him when he says he will never leave, that there is nothing I could do that would make him leave me. I believe I am safe. I believe I am home.

Now, to Zack: just this one time you will get a pass for telling everyone what you want. It doesn't matter what you want. I will suck your cock when *I* want, I will fuck your face when *I* want. And about that- you like getting your face fucked too much. Its like a reward to you. So now, you are going to have to earn it with your servitude. I will have to come up with some tasks for you to complete if I am to fuck that beautiful face of yours.

Now, what do I want right now? I truly want to feel your tongue inside me, I want to feel you fucking me with your tongue. I want to feel you teasing my clit, driving me crazy until I can't take another second. I want to feel my head explode like it did on friday.

And now I have to go to work with soaking wet panties. I can't wait to get you tied to that bed on Thursday- of course that will be after I have truly marked you as my property before hand like the Alpha Bitch I am.
I am Woman - hear Me roar.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Sarah has arisen

Sarah is really asserting herself now.

This is having a two-fold effect on me.

1. The first primal reaction is intense desire. It's hard to even put into words the magnitude of the electrical jolt that pulsates through me.
2. The secondary reaction is some fear and anxiety over the unknown. What kind of world am I entering?

I trust and love Sarah. But I recognize that I am losing all control over this relationship. This is an exciting, albeit uncertain time.

She's extremely Dominant. She has this capacity within her, and not just sexually. I have awoken this inside her. She has finally found a situation where she can be herself in her totality.

This is exciting to be so raw and real and authentic. But I do worry about her fucking my virginal ass.

I loved her peeing on me, though. This was a new experience. The intimacy was intense. Maybe, just maybe, the pleasure will continue as we explore other areas of our loving M/s relationship.

Zack

Thoughts about Sarah

Sarah has really gotten into my core. I have avoided the blog because I had been posting at work, and this worried me.

Now, I can write freely. My attraction to Sarah is intensifying. I don't understand this, nor do I seek to understand this. I've become quite obsessed, practically addicted, checking my emails repeatedly throughout the day.

I want Sarah to live in my neighbourhood, and then I feel very guilty about this desire, almost like I don't deserve this for myself. I confuse her with my mixed signals, and this then makes me sad. She deserves clarity and she doesn't always get this from me.

You can see my note below, where I wrote that Sarah is showing a side of herself as a Hot Dominant Bitch. She's extremely loving, incredibly loving, but she also has this within her. I want her to know that I love her. And she can reveal this part of herself without fear of abandonment.

I know she has been reluctant because it's considered socially unacceptable. But I don't care about that.

The fact that she posted my comment on this blog---out of all the comments I made yesterday---suggests to me that at some level, it struck a chord.

Sarah likes hearing from me on the blog because I open up. She's correct. I am the kid in the candy store. I'm attracted to everything, but that doesn't mean that everything will always taste good. I need her guidance to lead me at the correct pace. She has done a spectacular job so far.

Iwish she was here to suck my cock. I wish she was here to push me on the bed and fuck me. I wish she could fuck my face.

I hope she's not too harsh on me when I get very excited. I can't help my deep sexual attraction for Sarah. It's just meant to be. I need Sarah. She keeps me grounded when everything is going astray.

The Way We Are...

I am seriously hoping that the "dry spell" this blog has been struggling under is soon over. Although I started this blog, and there shouldn't be an expectation for anyone else to post here, I find I get bored with it when Zack isn't around. I like reading what Zack has to say - he lets his real thoughts and feelings out here, I learn about him here. yes, we have been together almost 2 1/2 years and I am still learning about him. And we are both learning about ourselves.

Last Friday was sort of a "milestone" for us, I think. We seem to have moved forward.. in great strides.
Today, Zack sent me this e-mail:

"I like this message from you.
At this point in your life, it appears like you need a slave to boss around and fuck...just as I need what only you can give: stern demanding commands underscored by deep love.
We're both coming to terms with the fact that it turns me on to be your complete slut, just as you must have ownership to feel fulfilled.
You're a hot Dominant Bitch. Just thinking about you this way gets me close to cumming, but I won't, because I know it's not permitted."

What I had written was:

You did this - you finally trust me. That trust has allowed you to feel what's inside and to share it with me, knowing you are safe. The impact of that has resulted in me doing the same.


I want you. I WANT to own you, I WANT you as my boy toy, I WANT to control you - and not just sexually (but at this point I'll take what I can get). Not only do I want this for me, for me to take/have that control over someone but because I also know that this kind of relationship makes you feel as complete as I do, brings you as much pleasure as I get.

I have always loved you, from the very first day, but I have not always been happy. There have been times when I have been downright miserable and as a result have made you miserable as well. But "something" made us stick it out, and something made me watch that particular interview (about Dominatrix).

This path we are on is the one we are destined to travel. Being your Mistress is the very best feeling in the world.

I have never felt so strong, so confident. You did that.

Your reward will be endless experiences at my desire, at my will. You will serve me as I wish - sexually for now, but I want to be confident that there is hope for more in the future (and before I am too old to wield the crop or wear those boots lol)

One day I WILL have you naked at the door waiting for your Mistress to arrive home.
One day.

We are spending next Thursday afternoon together. I will order Zack to write about it here. Trust me when I tell you - It is going to be an afternoon neither of us will ever forget.

Sometimes it is Just Too Hard to Analyse....

(This was written Nov. 19 - Zack and I have discussed this, but I still wanted to include this here. I do not know when, or if, Zack will ever get on here to add his thoughts)
It's been a tough week. I had hoped Zack would have gotten on here to share his thoughts and feelings about the last afternoon we spent together. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, and that has ended up to be a challenge for me.

In our relationship there is a desire by us both to have new experiences. Zack is very much my little boy in the candy shop - he thinks he wants it all. But as we all know, the candy always looks great, but doesn't necessarily taste the way we hoped - sometimes it can be very distasteful indeed. My focus is always on what is good for him and it is very important to me that every experience he has is a good one.

Some time ago, as we were making out in my car, Zack asked me about the idea of peeing on him, of christening him with my urine. As it was, this was something we both thought we wanted to try. I had no idea how I would feel about it, and there is no way Zack could either. He asked me what was holding us back if we both wanted it?? What was holding me back was the fear that we would do this, and the experience would be so bad for him that he would somehow turn away from me as a result. He has constantly tried to reassure me that this would never happen - but how could he know that for sure?

When we spent our last afternoon together, I pulled out all the stops - there were many new things we engaged in.  There was punishment for Zack as a result of a previous infraction (the crop got a work out on his ass), hot waxing his ass again, as well as some very specific attention being paid to his very virginal, but deliciously enticing, ass. (yep, his ass got a lot of attention that day!) - and then there was the christening. This was the hardest for me - and I watched him the entire time looking for his response. Afterwards, Zack was adamant that he enjoyed every moment. I wanted so much to believe him. I asked him to write his thoughts and perceptions here. What happen after that was solely as a result of my own insecurities.

I knew he was very busy at work. I knew that there were many things going on in his life that prevented him from both writing here and keeping in touch with me. What he was able to tell me afterwards was that he had to process everything that had gone on. I was able to  bask in the afterglow of that afternoon for a few days - actually more than a few days. But the lack of connection with Zack took it's toll and my inner demons reared their ugly heads. One thing that about human nature is that we have to always make sense of those things that are important to us. If we don't have all the facts, then we just make up what seems reasonable to us - we create our own story, regardless of what the truth may actually be. And that is exactly what I did.

Since I wrote this, Zack and I have discussed that afternoon. He assures me he will never leave me, he will never turn away from me. I need to beleive him. I need to stop letting my insecurities take me over.

Three Paths - Only 1 Option?

I had a discussion last week with someone who gave me things I need to consider. The one point that stood out for me was that I needed to "stop waiting" for my life to begin. He was referring to my current living arrangements and my marriage.
My life is far from done, but I  keep waiting - always waiting for someone else to make the first move, someone else to change in a way that will result in me being more content within my life.
And now I realize that I need to practise what I preach - no one can be responsible for your happiness except yourself. I can't wait for anyone else- I am the one who has to change.
So I am back to my 3 paths - but 1 and 2 don't really seem like viable options at the moment. Unless I can come up with an other option, #3 will have to be seriously considered. Why can't life be simpler where people can just live happily ever after?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

And Then Everything is Right in the World....

Let Me use an old euphemism "all's right with the world" - at least with MY world. I spent the most delicious time with Zack today - and plenty of it. (of course, I can always spend more time with Zack, but today was awesome) there were many new experiences for both of us, but I am going to let Zack tell you all about it. Suffice it to say, I feel much closer to and more in control of Zack. He proved to me today that he is committed to this relationship and to serving Me in the way a good slave should. He is eager to be trained, equally as eager to please.

We had an interesting discussion today as well. Zack is desperate to do anything for Me so that my needs are met, so that I am happy, and to prove his devotion. He gave an example: if I wanted to tie him to a chair, bring in another man and force him to watch Me fuck him, he would do that if it were something I wanted and it made Me happy. My response was that even IF that scenario were something I wanted to play out, I don't believe it would make him feel secure or happy, and there is no way I could ever intentionally set up something that would hurt him. Zack means everything to Me and causing him any kind of emotional distress is beyond anything I could ever do.

Then I reminded him of another scenario I had proposed. Zack took a trip to new Orleans last summer. I wanted to go with him - this was I suggested we could do: We would go to a lesbian bar there. He would sit off somewhere and watch Me hit on another woman. He would watch while I kissed her, touched her breasts, maybe even slide my hand up under her skirt. then, I would take him and her back to the hotel, tie him to a chair and then force him to watch me fuck HER. Then I would fuck him. And if we were very lucky, perhaps she would fuck him as well - but not his cock. His cock is ALL mine. no one gets that cock. I would let her fuck his face only. I would keep him restrained and blindfolded while she did that. I suspect he may not want to, but too bad - his face is Mine to use as I wish. After she was done, she would pay for his services and leave. THEN, he would get all of my attention.

I think this scenario appeals to Zack. I know it appeals to Me. I just have to get him away to another city, away from here.

After Zack tells you his thoughts about today's activities, I'll share Mine with you. Enjoy!

And The World Tilts Sideways...

I don't know what is happening. Suddenly, I am feeling... well, I am not sure what I am feeling, except a heightened consciousness of Zack. Sure, I have had him in My mind night and day for the past 27 months (and one would think that the excitement, passion and sheer lust wold have worn off or at least diminished by now) but this is new. I hear his voice in My sleep - loud enough to wake Me up, My skin feels his touch long after we have parted, I can still feel his cock buried deep inside Me from yesterday. Suddenly, I WANT this man more than I ever thought possible. My lust for him is insatiable.

Perhaps this is in anticipation of what is to come, a response to the new level our relationship has arrived at. I can feel the Dom coming out in Me - not only with Zack, but in other aspects of My life as well. The feeling is strongest around Zack, but that strength lingers and is now becoming part of who I am at work and in My home life as well.

I've seen a change in Zack. I suspect he is going through an "awakening" of his own. He is giving himself over to me in a greater capacity than before. He is allowing it to become a part of him. I feel that, I sense the desire in him, and I know that he wants and NEEDS this as much as I do.

We are hoping to get some '"play" time next Thursday. I've told Zack that play is going to be more intense, more experiential than ever before. He knows he is going to be disciplined for his indiscretions the last time we were together - selfishly orgasming while I deliriously fucked his face. I am also bringing out the hot wax again - this time I will be better prepared so it won't be so messy in the room (wax flakes EVERYWHERE!! LOL). He will not only feel the burn of the spanking he is going to get but the hot wax on his ass that will follow. Those endorphins should be flowing strong by then. He is going to get fucked every way I can think of. And at some point in the day he will be baptised by My hot urine. Something about this, doing this to him and for the both  of us goes directly to the core of My being, the very most primal part. Yesterday, Zack and I got together for a visit. Can I tell you that just being in his presence causes Me to feel things I had no idea was inside me. I had told him earlier in the week that the next time we play, he will experience My ownership in a new way - he was going to feel the heat of my urine raining on him. We were kissing and he whispered in my ear "I want that, I want you to pee on me. You want to do it, you want it as well, so what is holding us back?" The answer? Nothing, nothing but time and opportunity. His question sent a rush through My body, My mind spun. That was when I ordered him into the back seat of the car - I needed to fuck him right then and there. I needed to settle the rush in my head. I orgasmed almost immediately. It did little to minimize the arousal, the lust, the intense passion I was feeling. I'm doomed. I love it.

I am being consumed. I like it. I welcome it. I am excited for what is to come.

Reflections...

While I drive to work my mind is always in action. This morning, after listening to Brian Melo's song "Anywhere But Here", I had to reflect on my current situation. I no longer feel regret over the last 20 or so years of my marriage, I just wish it were over. For a number of reasons, it can't be, so here I am - listening to a song I can easily relate to; my future is anywhere but here.

Which leads me to Zack and our relationship. I had never had an affair before, there has never been anyone else in my life but my husband. But there came a point in my life when I was examining everything in it, and along came Zack.

I Can't Sleep...

Thoughts of my meeting with Zack yesterday afternoon are filling My mind, making it impossible to sleep.
Every encounter seems to open another door for us to step through. Yesterday I saw (on his face) and heard (in his voice as well as in his words) how much Zack wants My Domination, NEEDS My Domination, and I realize how much I need to Dominate him. He is quite right - My confidence in this IS deepening with every date we have. What is curious, and I think unique to us, is that I don't have these feelings, this need, for anyone else. I have a husband whom I suspect just might welcome a certain level of sexual dominance from Me, yet I have no interest there. Zack tells Me the same- that he only feels this way with Me. He only want ME as his Mistress.

Zack, Zack, Zack....

My darling, I do not want you to feel any insecurities. When I say "time will tell" it simply means that over time we will see how things evolve. Nothing more than that.


I PROMISE TO NEVER LET YOU DOWN. I WILL NOT DISRUPT YOUR LIFE. That would hurt you and that is the very last thing I want to do. We will work around the obstacles so that we both get what we want and need from this relationship.
 
Each time we are together we seem to make a new discovery about each other. Today was no different. I needed you so desperately today - My almost instant orgasm when your beautiful, huge cock slid inside Me was clear evidence of how much. Even I was caught off guard by it.
 
We both want more in this relationship. You are ready to surrender yourself to Me. I am ready to take us both to greater heights in this relationship. Our only stumbling block will be time and opportunity. I hope we can work around our limitations because I want to play with you - I want to do it all, experience it all, but I do not want to rush you. I want to build you up to these experiences so that not only can you look forward to them, but you can get extreme pleasure from them as well.
 
I do not take you or this relationship for granted. It is serious to Me, and you are the most important person in my life. Your joy and happiness is paramount in My mind.
 
I love you.
Sarah

response to Sarah's last post on structure

This note of Sarah's offered me insights that I hadn't considered. I feel Sarah's desire to Dominate more fully, more completely, and more frequently. Consciously, I welcome this.

Perhaps Sarah is right about some unconscious resistance. But if it is unconscious, it's invisible to me. I have always had some resistance to authority. Maybe it's because authority figures have often let me down. I don't feel that Sarah will let me down, but I do worry when I see her write words like "time will tell". It heightens my insecurity somewhat.

We both know that I could fall into 24/7 servitude, which would thoroughly disrupt my life. I definitely have this in me. Sarah knows this, too.

Zack

Sarah is my true Mistress. My Mistress always knows what is best for me, even when I don’t or might not agree. Because she is my Mistress it is my duty and desire to be her perfect slave, to follow all of her orders and instructions without question and to do everything in my power to please her. My Mistress brings balance and fulfillment to my life; without her I am no longer whole.

This is my mantra. I must never forget it. Mistress owns me in all ways, including my mouth.
She can use my mouth whenever she likes. I'm so happy to know that she is really coming to a point where she loves fucking my face.

She still doesn't get how much I enjoy that. The first time she did it was like a dream come true. It's what I've always desired --- being used like a cheap slut.

She can do whatever she wants with me.

Zack

Sarah's confidence level

I feel that Sarah is becoming increasingly confident and sure of herself. She has always had this quality, but it's becoming even more apparent to me.

She's growing into her role as a 24/7 Dominant. It really is a major part of her being, and one that she wasn't fully aware of in the past.

I find myself extremely attracted to her inner strength and this self-assurance she carries with her. Her career has taken off in recent years. I think this is related to the way others see her.

Sarah commands respect. She deserves respect. And when she's feeling a bit cranky, I hope that she feels comfortable driving over to my work area, ordering me to join her in the fuckmobile, and forcing me to service her orally. A good slave does what he's told.

I want to be Sarah's good slave. I don't always succeed. But this is what makes me feel complete.

Zack

Sarah, Zack and Structure..

It's like "Structure" has become our problem child. To hear Zack talk, you would have thought I was trying to pack him up into a nice tight box, and that is ridiculous. I am as unstructured as the he is, maybe even more so if I allowed it. This is the little boy in him - pushing back at an authority figure trying to control him - wanting it, but not wanting it all at the same time. Again, he doesn't understand that I DO know what is best for him and again, I can't help but feel that he is not yet into this 100%. that, or he is simply confused about my expectations. I do not doubt that he loves Me, that he needs Me, that he wants My Dominance, I just think he hasn't gotten to a point of total acceptance - not yet. His subconscious is doing the "push back".

Sarah and structure

Sarah believes I need structure, but I don't think she's aware that I've never had structure in my life. I basically raised myself, and the whole notion of having a structured, planned life is a very foreign concept.

I know she is trying to introduce structure because she knows it's best for me. I think she wants to structure my diet as well.

Then when I don't respond well to this, she feels I'm somehow disrespecting her.

I'm not sure that Sarah fully comprehends why I have such trouble with structure. I hope she never confuses this difficulty I have with a lack of love for her, because there is no lack of love.

I adore Sarah. I adore the way she looks at me. I adore her wild side. She's unpredictable. I need her control in my life. Without it, I'm lost at sea.

Zack

Structure is a Struggle...

I gave Zack a task. I thought it would be fairly simple: he was to memorize a few statements I prepared for him and repeat them to himself every time he is in the shower. I told him that the next time I saw him, he would be required to repeat it to me.

5 days later we got together to play. At a moment I knew he wouldn't be on guard, I asked the question.

He looked at me rather sheepishly and said, in his little boy voice "I think I'm going to be punished". He hadn't followed the instructions he had been given.

I was actually surprised at how this made me feel. I thought I would feel it was no big deal, but instead I was very disappointed. I took it very personally, even though I know Zack was not acting out of a lack of respect. I knew he had a bad week going on, but in hindsight, I felt my attempt to bring some structure to his life had been discarded. He had told me that "structure" makes him anxious, and this felt like pushback.

Disappointing me was very upsetting to zack. His distress almost broke my heart. How could I be upset? I forgave him, but he needs to understand that I DO know what is best for him and when I give him instructions they are given with careful consideration with his life and work, but I do expect them to be followed.
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It's All About Structure...

Zack needs structure in his life. He does better when he knows what is expected of him and how he can be successful. I have to admit, I have not been very good at providing that. Zack has 3 components in his life - home, work and me. None of us have given him what he needs to make him feel whole. I am going to put processes in place that will give Zack the "structure" he needs. I am sure that if he feels sure and grounded in one life component, he will cope better in all of them. I guess I will have to wait and see.

I am going to give Zack some "rules", some direction that will be standardized in our relationship. It is going to be hard at first, for both of us, but it will be better in the end.

When I get these rules in place I will have Zack post about it here.
Keep your fingers crossed!
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Progress...

I'm new to this role of Mistress. When I started this blog, it was because I wanted to share my experience of coming to this revelation of not only who I am but who Zack is as well. This hasn't been easy.

I read everything I can - I am only happy when I am 100% successful- and that success is determined by my standards, not anyone else's. For ME, doing "my best" is not good enough, ever. When I go into something new, I will devour as much information as I can about the subject. I can't tell you the amounts I have spent on books, classes etc in my life as I went from one thing to the next - starting an aquarium, getting a dog, taking up embroidery, knitting, ceramics - it doesn't matter. And now, I find myself HERE, a self proclaimed Mistress to My boyfriend. It is no surprise that I have spent many hours on the internet researching the lifestyle, the ins and out of being the "M" in an M/s relationship. (I'm grateful for the internet - I don't have to buy books! The money I save buys me equipment instead lol Thanks, Steve Jobs!) What I found in my readings is that there are no rules, there are no instructions on how to be a perfect Mistress. I really hope that others new to this lifestyle stumble across this blog and learn from my experience.

I was reading a forum the other day and one topic that I read was about the existence of Mistress blogs. There seems to be an abundance of Master blogs, but few Mistress ones. The reason for that seems to be based in the societal attitude that women are still the weaker sex, and that a Mistress blog might expose a "weakness" in her.

Well, I believe the opposite to be true: as I write here, I am able to sort my thoughts and ideas. I find this blog makes me stronger in my role, but also allows me to demonstrate my "softer" side as well. A Mistress is the best of both worlds. She is strong, in control, sure of what she wants and demands those wants be delivered. She is also kind, loving, caring and forgiving. She is very intuitive to the feelings and needs of her slave without being taken advantage of. She makes sure her slave knows his place, that he is clear on the rules. Her primary goal is to improve not only her own life, but the life of her slave as well - mutual pleasure and happiness.

I'm getting there. My discussions with Zack have given me something to think about, and have enhanced my learning.

Something tells me Zack is a very lucky slave.
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Sarah's absence

I can't phone or email Sarah now and I'm missing her presence.

I hope she fucks me this week. I want to feel her demands.

I've been hard for Sarah all weekend. Yesterday, we discussed more intimate issues, including the topic of her post below.

The better I get to know Sarah, the more it's dawning upon me that she has the capacity to be a very demanding Mistress. This would surprise people who know her, because she is also incredibly sweet and loving.

She worries that if she gives a voice to this demanding side of her that she will lose me. I don't believe that will happen. We are two sides of the same coin.

She let it slip that in her readings, she has learned of Mistresses who sometimes make their slaves remain naked in the home. The thought of being ordered to remain naked for Sarah in this way does turn me on.

For Sarah, control is an aphrodisiac. I like giving her more control because it heightens her pleasure. I'm hoping that one day, I will have the privilege of wearing her leash in public.

She has indicated that she will be giving me instructions. I look forward to this.

I also want her to urinate on me. It will show her in a very authentic way that she has control, more than she realized. When I'm Sarah's slut, I feel like I've come home. I am closer to my true self, the true self that I can't reveal in the workplace.

I'm also so happy that Sarah likes my big cock. I want her to consider this as her possession.

Zack

Well, Here Goes Nothing...

First of all, if there is anyone out there reading our blog, would you mind posting a comment now and then? Especially if there are any Dominants reading this: This is an open invitation for You to come here and dominate Zack - tell him what You would do with him if he were Your slave. He would LOVE that.

And, if there are any of you wormish-like subs reading, well, I am sure he wouldn't mind hearing from you either. That is the one disappointment about this blog for him  - I personally don't give a damn if you comment or not, but he is a very needy boy. he doesn't think he is an exhibitionist, but he is - he likes the thrill of fucking in the car and risking getting caught, he loved Me giving him orders in the coffee shot and he loved Me kissing him in public - just grabbing his hair, pulling him to Me and kissing him. Zack truly is a slut, that is for sure. This blog is in public domain, and it excites him to know others in this world are reading about him. So, again, I invite you to come here and let him know what you think, you can even share with him how you might serve me if you were My slave. Now, let's get to the issue at hand, shall we?

It hasn't been a very good week for Me. Being a person who needs control to survive, any loss is huge. These are the times I need Zack. These are the times I wish I had a 24/7 slave - because managing the other aspects of My life where I am not the one in control would be so much easier. Just as a professional Dom will tell you that their clients are usually high power men who need that opportunity to completely submit for a few hours, that is the way it is for Me. When I am not feeling as much control as I like to have in the rest of my life, I need My slave. Until recently, that was possible - I could call him, order him to get his ass into My car immediately and he would be there. But that isn't the case right now - his work has become very demanding and I am not going to compromise his work by ordering him away from it. I can assure you, and him, that if I had gotten him into a bed yesterday, he would have left with a very sore & red ass, rug burns on his knees, and much much hornier than when he arrived. he may have even lost some of his hair to My fist. That was the state I was in. Ironically, he would have loved it.

We e-mailed for a while this morning and he managed to take the edge off, but the need remains. We have chatted quite a bit today, and I asked him some pretty specific questions. It's was good, and as a result, I am feeling much better, more like I can handle whatever comes at me right now. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings, I guess.

So, this morning, Zack asked if I had ever thought of peeing on him. he;s asked that question before.  I have to admit, the idea gives Me a rush, although I am not sure why. Then he asked me to describe how I thought it would feel urinating on him in the shower. I've had to think about that.

 I've been considering this alot today. Obviously, it is something he has thought about, and as is My norm, I went to a sub site to see if I could get some insights. Zack can only guess how he will feel, so I wanted to see what the experience was like for other subs the first time. The sites have proven to be quite enlightening with many perspectives, but at the end of it all, this was something that both Mistress and slave get pleasure out of. There are many different reasons why, but they don't matter. The end result matters.

So, now I have considered how it might make Me feel. The idea is not completely strange to Me, but I do wonder if the intended impact is attainable. Regardless, I think this would be something, an act, that would truly make him MY slave. Regardless of anything else in his life, it would be my "mark" that he would carry with him. I can imagine him - laying in the tub. he would be cold, no doubt, and I expect a bit apprehensive. (I won't go into how I get him there,  I will leave that to him, because after our next session he will be required to post here; and even though he knows its coming, he won't know when it's coming.) I would be standing over him, towering over him, actually. I would reach down, and grab him by the hair (have I mentioned how much I like dragging him around by the hair??) and make him look into My eyes. then I would ask him "WHO owns you??" 

And we know what his answer better be, now don't we?

I  think the experience will be a powerful one. Zack likens it to a baptism; I suppose it is. He is being re-born, he is morphing into what he is supposed to be, what he has been all along and denied. he will be whole at last. And Me?  I will have attained total control over him, I will truly own him, he will be all mine. After this, he will never be free of me. he will always be My slave. Glorious.



Musings...

I'm in the hotel room. The sun is coming up and there is a beautiful view from the 10th floor.

It feels good laying here in this bed where Zack and I spent several hours yesterday. I can smell him on the pillows; his scent is like an aphrodisiac to me.

I loved being with him yesterday. The coffee shop was fun- I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and I took great pleasure in ordering him to sit and where, as I bought coffee. When I sat down, I asked him if he had eaten. I knew the answer - he hadn't . I also knew that he wanted to be out of there and in bed here with Me. But, as we know, this is not about what he wants, now is it??

I pulled a sandwich out of my bag that I had bought him and ordered him to eat. I guess I sounded like I meant it because he ate without arguing with Me about it. Another first. I might just be making progress with this guy.

My dream is to get him away where we are strangers and publicly be his Mistress, he as my slave. I want him to wear the collar in public- I want to humiliate him in public - if showing the world that I own him, that he is My slave, that he can only do what I allow him to do is humiliating. Somehow, I don't think it would be for Zack. I fantasize a lot about that.

I made him beg to wear the collar yesterday. I actually had him doing a lot of begging - that was fun! My favourite though is not letting him cum. That is an indescribable feeling - that he would do everything in his power to comply. I love saying the words that take him immediately to the edge " Mother wants to fuck her slutty son". He truly is a slut. He will do anything to get fucked - and the more he trusts Me, the further I can push him.

I worry, though, that I might not be creative enough to keep him interested. He is constantly asking for "more". I don't think people appreciate or comprehend how much work actually goes into an M/s play session. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't spontaneous. And then, there are the times when I just want us to be us. It is important to Me that Zack gets from Me what he needs, what he desires. Nothing takes priority over him. I hope I am good enough to keep him coming back for more.
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At Long Last....

W/we've been away from here for a while. All is well, W/we have just been very busy - life always has a way of getting in the way of what W/we want most. But today, "life" got pushed aside for awhile.

Zack and I spent an entire afternoon together - doing what W/we like to do best - fucking. Oh, certainly, W/we talked, and W/we laughed, and Zack actually slept a little (he really needed that!) but mostly W/we fucked. And at the end of it all, W/we both had a "head explosion". I was lucky enough to have 2.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole Dominance thing. I've read everything I can, twice. I know what a Domme is SUPPOSED to act like. I know what is expected. But what I am learning is that this stuff is only useful in teaching you about this lifestyle - and just as everyone has a different perspective of what "lifestyle" means to them, I am just figuring out what being a Domme means to me.

I love Dominating Zack. I love being in control of the situation and in control of him. I absolutely love the look he gets on his face when I order him around - this is when his little boy self comes out, and sheer adoration shines out of his eyes. It turns Me on.

I had him meet me at a coffee shop yesterday and as we sat there I made him do a little begging - I made him beg me to give him a hotel room key and I made him tell Me exactly what he wants from his Mistress. The more he said, the more turned on I became. Without even a thought, I reached out, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him to me and kissed him. Yes, right there - in the front of the coffee shop, visible from the busy street, and in front of everyone. Zack impressed me. The "old" Zack would have probably fainted dead away in sheer panic if I had done that before.  LOL. He just got a stupid grin on his face and asked me to do it again!

When W/we were finally naked and in bed, I at last had him exactly where I wanted him - under Me.  I LOVE being on top of him, his cock buried deep inside me, and watching him work so hard not to come, I love moving, and saying the things that I know make him crazy; I love bringing him to the absolute edge, backing off, only to take him back to the edge again. THAT is control and I love that Zack gives me that. And he does that for Me.

But there are a few things I am struggling with, and I figured some things out yesterday. First of all, BDSM has 4 very different components. A successful relationship does not have to include all of those components. Now, I am pretty sure, that if I were a professional Dominatrix, with my own dungeon, I would have absolutely no problem delivering all kinds of pain and humiliation to my clients. I'm pretty sure I could get to be very good at flogging some sub who desperately wanted and needed that. I do believe I have it in me.

Yesterday, I inflicted pain on Zack. I have said before I like to bite, not hard, but hard enough. Zack has probably the most sensitive nipples anyone could ever have. Something about that fascinates me. For some reason, I feel challenged by that and it excites Me to take on the challenge of controlling him that way; the idea of bringing him to his knees by biting, pinching and squeezing those tender nipples causes the heat to rise in Me. It fucking turns Me on.

He is such a fucking pussy about those nipples. And the more he whines and cries about it, the greater the pleasure I seem to get. lol. Sorry, Zack, I suspect those nipples are going to take a lot of the heat in the future.

I got the crop out as well yesterday, and gave him a pretty good paddling. Now, this is the confusing part. I didn't enjoy it. I have absolutely no idea why. Zack's response was the same as when I was twisting those poor nipples of his, and yet My response was not the same. I have all kinds of thoughts about this, and it truly confuses me but I have to think about it some more, to sort it out in My mind. I do think, however, I would enjoy more of the hot wax play. W/we didn't do that yesterday, but I have a feeling I would enjoy that more. I am not sure it would be a turn on for me though.

 One thing I do know, if Zack can't handle the pain from his nipples when I play with them, he sure isn't going to be able to handle me fucking his ass. I don't know if I have the skills it would take to get him past all of his anal hang-ups. I guess we will just have to see.

I didn't restraint him or blindfold him yesterday - I needed to feel his hands on me, his arms around me, I needed to see his face and look into his eyes. I love his face, and I love his eyes. I'm not being corny when I say they truly are the window to his soul. And I know that I am the only one who sees, who knows what lies there. I know Zack. I know who he is and what he needs, even when he doesn't. And I delight in knowing I am the only one who does. I don't think he looks at Me the same way, or sees Me the same way, but that's ok - I'm not sure men are capable of that.

I love you, Zack. More than you could ever possibly know. I am not sure you will ever fully comprehend that.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah

Sarah,

I felt terrible about yesterday morning and you know that. There's a part of me that wasn't thrilled with you setting up that profile without talking with me first. I can't control you, nor do I wish to control you. I understand the pain of your life, so it doesn't surprise me intellectually that you would seek more stimulation elsewhere.

And it's true that I'm a total and complete slut. And I was interested in hearing about your correspondence. It does turn me on thinking about you force-feeding me a hard cock, especially if I don't even see the man, and I hear your voice in my ear calling me your whore.

It's just been a tough week and one I never want to repeat.

Zack

Eleven Elements of an M/s Relationship

If this weren't so huge, I'd get a tattoo. I felt a need to re-post these... Enjoy!

First element is HONESTY
Complete and total honesty between the slave and Mistress. Without such honesty, the relationship can not exist in it's fullness; from honesty all things grow.

Second element is TRUST
Trust grows from honesty. Only through the knowledge that the Mistress is, and always will be, completely honest can the slave also give complete trust, and only through the knowledge that the slave is completely honest with Her, can the Mistress trust the slave.

Third Element is RESPECT
Respect for each other grows from the knowledge of complete honesty and the giving of complete trust.

Fourth Element is SUBMISSION
The slave must willfully and completely submit to the Mistress. This he can do because of the trust he has in Her.

Fifth element is POSSESSION
The Mistress fully possesses the slave - his thoughts, mind, body and soul. The slave gives himself completely to the Mistress and the Mistress assumes ownership of the slave. Everything that was his is now Hers to do with as She sees fit.

 Sixth element is OBEDIENCE
The slave must always obey the Mistress's every command. He obeys not only because he is owned and possessed but because he desires to please his Mistress in every way he can.

Seventh element is CARING & DEVOTION
The Mistress cares for the slave and will always be devoted to his welfare. The slave must care for the Mistress and be devoted to Her well-being as well. The slave serves, not only out of duty, but also out of his devotion to his Mistress. He must learn Her every desire; Her every whim is to be his life. His destiny is to serve with all of his soul because of this devotion.

Eighth element is PROTECTION
The Mistress assumes the responsibility of complete and utter protection of the slave. He is Her property and as such is to be protected at all times from all harmful influences, be it from another person or society at large.

Ninth element is HONOR
To be a true Mistress, She must have honor in every action She takes, in every thought She thinks. The slave must honor his Mistress and do everything in his power to protect that honor through his own actions, words and thoughts.

Tenth element is FRIENDSHIP
The most lasting relationships are based on friendship while the Mistress Dominates and the slave serves. They must become friends or the relationship is doomed.
 Eleventh element is LOVE
If, and only if, all the previous elements have been met, then love can bloom between the Mistress and the slave. This is the greatest of the elements, the most difficult to attain but at the same time the most fragile and strongest. It binds the Mistress to the slave and the slave to the Mistress with an unbreakable bond - the bond of LOVE.

And the Beat Goes On...

Being of a personality that needs to keep Her mind busy, I did something last weekend, after My encounter in the woods with Zack. I heard about a dating website on the radio on the way home. It peaked My curiosity, so I visited the site when I got home. It was a site for married people looking for "more". Well, being the flirt, the tease that I am, I could not resist, I set up a profile. I made it clear that I was dominant - complete with leather boots, crop and fishnet stockings.

I was rather astonished by the response! Within 24 hr. I had close to 50 messages - asking for more info, sharing of pictures and asking to see Mine. It kind of blew Me away, to be frank. Over 500 men viewed My profile in the next few days, and it did not take long before I had over a 100 requests for more of everything. (There is one irony - one guy, whose site nickname was "Onmyknees" and who was clearly into slavedom and likely the most submissive of the lot,  did not reply back - THAT was curious!) Anyway, I shared this info with Zack.

Zack, being the total slut that he is, was all over this like white on rice!! It excites him to think of me dominating someone else, it excites him to think of being in the room while I dominate another man. I think he simply gets off on Me ordering anyone around! lol. Who knows, maybe I will find U/us a plaything on this site. He is encouraging me to be "a professional" - THAT excites him a lot. Who knows what the future holds?? Zack will always be first and foremost in my heart, but sometimes I do wonder if it is enough for Me being only a part time Mistress.

I know I spend way too much time alone - which has a way of getting Me into trouble. What is compounding the problem today is that I had thought I was going to be seeing Zack this morning, but it hasn't worked out that way. My mind understands all the reasons, and although Zack says don't be disappointed, how can I not be? There will be no opportunity to spend any kind of quality time with him for the next couple of weeks, so right now I am not doing so great. I know Zack will be upset when he reads this, because he does not want to be the cause of my disappointment.

I'm sorry Zack, as much as I want to protect you from hurt, I have also promised to be honest. And right now, I'm very disappointed. I'll get over it, and it isn't your fault, it just is what it is.

Every Woman Should have a Slut-Slave - just not Mine!

I wonder if other M/s couples are as compatible as Zack and I are. We totally "fit"- physically, sexually, emotionally and I think intellectually (although Zack is very intelligent, so I'm not sure I keep up all the time). W/we fit even before W/we made this discovery; this development in O/our relationship has simply maximized what we had.
If anyone read My first blog post, they might remember that Zack's preference for "light BDSM" scared Me. I was naïve, I was biased and completely ignorant to what this meant - I was more vanilla than vanilla. It is still a little surreal to be where I am at right now.
Knowing who I am, and having a partner who compliments my every wish, My every need, My every desire is something I could never have anticipated. Hell, I didn't even know it was possible to feel this way.
An M/s (or D/s, whichever you want) relationship is so far from what people (vanilla) think it is. It isn't weird, it isn't perverted, it isn't twisted, it definitely isn't sick. Those are the things it isn't.
When the right people come together in an M/s relationship- it is beautiful. This relationship not only requires honesty, openness and trust, it fosters these things. The relationship simply can not work without it. It is essential that one partner knows the other. They must communicate their deepest fears, needs, desires. Without these, it can not survive.
I have realized the deep irony of this. This is nothing special. These requirements are necessary for ANY relationship to be successful - BDSM, vanilla, work, play. These characteristics are essential for our success in all aspects of life.
But what is unique about BDSM is that if any part of the trust, honesty, openness is missing, the relationship will quickly disintegrate. The effect of any dishonesty or lack of openness or trust would be immediately evident. In any vanilla relationship this can easily be hidden or concealed, allowing the relationship to continue albeit not in as happily or satisfactorily manner.
With Zack I feel completely free. I trust him, I accept him for everything he is - he has no faults, because it all comes together into the completeness that is my soul mate. I never want him to change a single thing. He needs my control, he needs me to free him of the day to day stress he bears making decisions that many rely on, free him of the responsibilities of his life. As much as he wants to please me, to give me what I need, is as much as I want the same for him. He knows that I need to be able to take control as much as he needs to relinquish it.
I am ready - I am ready to take control of Zack - to use him for my pleasure, to wipe his mind free of everything except Me and My needs, to teach him the pleasure of pain, to take him to the wonder of subspace, to free him of his burdens. He needs that as much as I need to do that.
I can honestly say W/we are perfect for each other.
Sent from my BlackBerry

I am Sarah's slut

If you read the post below, you'll know that Zack is a slut for Sarah. It gives me great pleasure to know she loves my cock. I love looking at her when her mouth is full of my cock. I loved how she brazenly took my cock in her mouth in the woods on the weekend. Just thinking about that makes me squirm with desire.

I still don't think Sarah fully realizes how much I want to please her without limits. I loved how she took me in the fuckmobile. She ordered me into the back seat, sternly told me to sit in the right position, and when I pulled off my shorts, my hard cock made what looked like a tent in my underwear.

I love watching her peel off her panties because I know that she's going to fuck me. She fucks me so well. My cock was aching for her, and this time, it was swollen in a way that made it a little more awkward to enter her. But it was well worth it.

I like holding off on an orgasm and let her just use me and take me like her pleasure post. I want Sarah to use me for sex. I'm ready to fuck her again. I need Sarah.

Zack

Sunday, Sunday, So Good To Me...

Zack and I met last Sunday for O/our "walk in the woods". W/we were meeting at the park, and I arrived first. I saw him drive up and as usual, My heart skipped about a million beats, the heat began to spread through My loins and I immediately wanted to fuck him. Which is pretty funny, because today, Zack said "you always turn me on - any theories why I get so aroused thinking about you being sexual?" I get the same feelings, but they are 10 times greater when I see him. It seems crazy sometimes - we have been together for 2 years and the excitement has not only NOT diminished, it has escalated to greater levels for Me. I always try to act so cool, casual and nonchalant when he arrives (I wonder if he notices?), but inside  I am all "a-quiver". On this day he wore shorts, as I had instructed. He has fabulously sexy legs and I wanted to see them. Actually, I wanted to feel them, I wanted to be naked between them! But I contained myself, I kept under control. This day was about de-stressing Zack. But then, he finished me off. He was wearing a great pair of sunglasses. I had never seen him in sunglasses before. His hair is a little longer than usual (I love his hair and I hope he keeps it longer - all the better for tugging on) and he looked quite dashing; actually, he looked incredibly sexy. He laughed and said well, he WAS a minor celebrity. That made Me laugh. He makes My life so happy.

Zack Has a Way of Making Me Crazy...

Some times I wonder: Who is managing this relationship? Mistress or slave?
Earlier I posted about the challenges of not being able to see Zack and having to keep My lust for him pushed way back into the recesses of My mind. I had been pretty successful and then, along comes Zack, with a few well chosen words and the obsession begins anew. He knows how to work Me.

Another Weekend...

 Zack says he gets disorientated when we have not had enough opportunity to spend time together. I have a similar effect - except that the longer I go without being with him the more depressed I get. Lets see if I can explain it.

My past sexual experiences have been far less than satisfactory. Being married to a man who only had fulfilling his own needs in mind, I became very successful at not letting myself become aroused, to simply "turn off" - who wants to be highly aroused, ready for that "head explosion" and then have your partner roll over and go to sleep because he's done? You just don't respond. You lay there, let it happen, and then go to sleep yourself.

There are times lately, when I feel myself going back into that - I think it becomes an automatic response of self preservation.  It has nothing to do with Zack's ability to fulfill my every sexual need - he is amazing at what he does. I have NEVER been left dissatisfied when I have been with him. I don't expect I ever will be.

Being disconnected has its price. When I know I am not able to see Zack, I simply "shut off" the arousal switch. I don't think there is anything worse than being aroused, wanting him so badly and then not being able to make it happen. That has occurred, often is seems, lately (probably not as often as it feels like) - through no fault of his or mine. It is what it is. But as you can tell, the separation takes it's toll on us both. "Switching off" doesn't always work, though. Then Zack gets a very forceful telephone message about my need.

I promised Zack I would write him an erotic blog post today. I'll try, but I hope he understands that I am feeling a little less than sexual these days. I need him to get my groove back.

Yes, I have asked Zack to come with me tomorrow for a hike. He needs that more than anything. He needs to get away from work, from home. Nothing in more invigorating and beneficial that getting out into nature. Nothing, except getting out into nature with me. You see, Zack thinks going for a walk in the woods would be boring.

He doesn't know the surpises I could spring on him. Like being tied to a tree, while I suck on that gorgeous big cock of his. I like taking it way into the back of my throat. I love teasing him this way. Of course, he would not be allowed to cum - that is forbidden. Or, laying the blanket out in a clearing and fucking his face - I could sure use that orgasm right now. I LOVE fucking that perfectly fuckable face of his. Or maybe, he would get one of the new butt plugs shoved in his ass to wear while we walk. He needs that kind of training anyway, maybe tomorrow will be day 1.

Or maybe I will bring his collar and leash, and lead him down the garden path, so to speak. Of course, there will be people around - they will see what a wonderfully obedient slave I have. I could simply park the fuckmobile in the trees and use him in the back seat in every way that comes to mind. Or, maybe I would make him sit in the front seat and listen to me pleasure myself in the backseat - listening and so wishing it was him making me feel sooooo good. No, boring is never what you will experience when you are with me, Zack, darling. You should know better - and perhaps I will bring my crop just to remind you.

Sarah and perfection

I know Sarah likes to be good at everything she does. And she's exceptionally good, outstanding, pretty close to perfect. She's like this at work, with kids, and with her slave.

She demonstrated that this week when I was very rattled at work. I wasn't able to see her, and she accepted this without any rancour. I wish I had her inner strength.

I'm feeling disoriented right now because it's been too long since I've seen Sarah. Things have been too busy at work. When I don't see Sarah for a while, I lose my bearings. I need her firm discipline and Domination to keep me centred.

She wants to walk in the woods tomorrow. I just want her to fuck me and fuse with me and take control and help me escape from all the stress.

I love her crop so much. I ache to see her in her boots. I want her to suck my cock but order me not to cum. I want her to fuck me hard and order me not to cum. I want her to ram my face into her pussy and just feel like she can cum all over me.

I love being Sarah's slave. It's the perfect escape. I miss Sarah more than she knows.

Zack

Making Choices...

It is amazing how a change in environment can change one's perspective. Escaping from the oppression I seem to live under allows me to feel stronger, to BE stronger. Once again I am reminded that when I am not in control I am not happy. I am now back in control and making decisions.
Today I am exploring My options- I am looking for My own place, a place I can call "dungeon", a place where I AM the Mistress, where I control everything that goes on there. I have informed Zack that if he is very good, I may hang his collar by the door - next to My crop and whatever else I have in the discipline dept. It will be exciting to have a home for My toys. It is exciting to anticipate the activities that I may engage in there. Zack has offered up many scenarios and there once was a time when I would have vehemently not entertained any of them.

But Zack is My slave, he belongs to Me and his goal is to meet My needs, satisfy My desires. It is enticing to Me that he throws out ideas and scenarios to consider. It is almost as if he lurks in the deep recesses of My mind, seeking out the fantasies there that I have not yet even dreamed of. I look forward to exploring new pleasures with My slave - he truly is a slut, My slut, and I know he is as eager for the experiences as I am!
First things first, however - setting the stage. The place I am looking at today is very near where Zack lives. I find it exciting to anticipate him being at home or work (which is also near by) and wondering if I am there - and if I am, what I'm doing and with whom? I mean, who says you can only have 1 slave anyway??

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Limbo....

And I don't mean the dance...

It's ironic how "Life" gets in the way of what we want the most. "Life" pushes us along, until we come to a crossroad - then, we have to choose. At least, we are supposed to chose, we should chose if we are moral, ethical, trusted elements in the lives of others.

2 years ago, I met Zack - Life had brought me to a crossroad of sorts. There was a strange twist in that road - it actually didn't go one way or another, there was a third "option" - 2 paths that ran side by side - parallel to each other. Very different paths, but close enough together, with very few obstacles that could prevent me from being on either path on any given day. 2 paths close enough together that I could easily hop from one to the other, with no one the wiser, no one watching.

What I have been unaware of was that someone WAS watching - not sure of what I was doing, but aware that the other path existed, and that perhaps I WAS jumping back and forth. Now, the "watcher" has chosen to reveal themselves, has come forward and demands I chose one path or the other. I suppose it all was just a matter of time.

Now, I am expected to behave in a manner that those who live on the oldest path want & expect. Now, crossing from 1 path to the other is more of a challenge. The situation is not insurmountable - I can make a choice. I can leave the path where Zack is and continue on the old path. (although, leaving Zack is certainly not much of an option) I can create another path, my own path, that runs along side Zack's - a path I can stray off of whenever I want without anyone watching, scrutinizing me.  Or I can find a new path, separate yet again from the others. I can chose a path where I am alone. The choices are many. The choices now seem impossible. I'm afraid none will lead to my happiness.

I am worried about Zack. He is travelling the same parallel paths - one with me and the other with his day to day life. He is very cautious, but is he cautious enough?  Is anyone watching him as well? I don't believe that is a risk I want to take, or one he should take - I would give my life to protect his. I haven't been able to talk to him about this. I don't know how he is feeling right now. All I know is I worry about him constantly for many reasons. I can not put his well-being at risk. I would die first.

I love you Zack.
Out of everything we have been through,  everything we have experienced, that is the most important thing I can tell you. To me, nothing else matters.

In Answer to Zack's Questions...

Zack asked several questions last Wednesday. Zack asks lots of questions - he keeps Me on my toes!

Zack asks:

Does Sarah get off sexually at the thought of two men together?

In reality, this isn't something I have contemplated. At one point in My life, the answer would have been yes. I don't think now it would be the fact that it was 2 men that I would "get off on" (how totally eloquent, Zack!) - I believe that what turns Me on is the passion between 2 people - and this isn't anything you see in porn videos - they are so fake, so totally asexual from my perspective. Just plain fucking - without any substance behind it - if that makes any sense.

Does she ever watch gay male porn and masturbate to it?
See above - I have watched gay porn, and yes, early on, it did turn me on enough to masturbate - but the fakeness of it all does nothing for me now. I rarely watch any porn anymore. I am curious about watching 2 people fucking, though.. but the real thing - lust, passion, urgency - not the fake shit.

Does she want to see a man suck my big hard cock?
I'm pretty sure that your big hard cock is going to be owned solely by Me. I am a very possessive woman - I doubt I will ever want to share the taste of you with anyone else. But, I have learned to "never say never" so, who knows???? I think, though, I want to be the ONLY one turning you on - and i could be wrong, but having your cock sucked - by anyone - would have to be a "turn on". Again, I am far too possessive.

Would she enjoy watching this as she fucks my face?
What I enjoy watching when I fuck your gorgeous face is your gorgeous face.
 
At the end of the day, I am not sure I will ever share you with anyone. My property is MY property. I never learned to share as a child, I doubt I will be very good at sharing as a Mistress.
 
W/we'll see...

The End of a VERY Long Week...

Zack asks a lot of questions. He has a lot of things going on in his head, and seems to need to know everything that is going on in Mine as well, even before I do.

When I read his latest blog post (his assignment which was due today), I wrote him with a simple "WOW!" I think he thought it was the content that got me fired up. It was, in a way, but what fired me up was that he was pulling out stuff he has hidden away for a long time. I think this is monumental. Zack is an amazing man - extremely intelligent, very talented, more sensitive to people's plights or feelings than anyone I have ever met. He gives everything he can give to everyone without a single though to himself - and regardless of what the impact might be on him.

We are alike in many ways and one of them is an intense sense of insecurity. Through my association with Zack, my love, my experiences for and with him, I am learning to believe in Myself, to believe in my own talents, and my strength. He has become my rock, when I need him to lean on, I can count on him to be there. I can not begin to thank him enough for that, and for saving Me.

I owe it to him to try to do the same for him. He needs to believe in himself, he needs to learn to love himself, he needs to know that he is good, pure, kind. I want him to love himself as much as I love him. I am confident I can help him do this. I am no shrink, but I do believe that if we love ourselves, we can handle anything that comes at us. It isn't easy, especially for people like Zack and I. What is so great about U/us is that W/we know W/we can count on the other to boost U/us up when W/we need it. I needed that this week. I was definitely not in My comfort zone, I was not in control of what was happening to, and around, Me. I needed My slave, My slut, My whore (he loves it when I call him that! <vbg>) - I needed MY Zack - and he was there. He has no idea how much that meant to Me, but I will make sure he knows soon.

Zack's response to my assignment was better than he knows. What he doesn't know is that I am going to demand more of that - going into the deep recesses of his mind and pulling out the "monsters" he has hidden there. We all have them, I have them as well. Mine lie not far beneath the surface - I can sense them lurking there, like sea monsters swimming around in the black deep water - looking for the chance to consume Me, and everyone around Me. I am not at a point where I can fish them out and expose them to the light. I don't have enough confidence in Myself or My relationships to do that. I can not trust anyone with them yet. Perhaps I never will, but I know that if I ever do, it will be Zack who will be there for me. He already knows the "smaller" ones - it's those huge, all consuming monsters with the big teeth that will take some time to extricate - if they ever can be. We'll see.

But my focus is Zack. I believe he is in the same spot as I am. Still not quite sure what he wants to share, what he can trust me with. His first assignment was beautifully completed.

What I was looking for was for him to tell me how he felt about what I proposed to do with him at some point in our M/s Relationship. What he gave me was not only a complete outpouring of loyalty and submission to Me, but he admitted to and brought out thoughts in his subconscious that he had buried a long time ago, thoughts that shamed him. In doing that he laid himself over to me - he opened himself up to either being eviscerated by the vicious cougar as he showed his perceived " weaknesses" or to a loving, compassionate, protective Mother who would always want and keep him safe, loved and accepted no matter what. He got - and always will get - Mother.

Zack, it wasn't the content that moved Me, that caused that "WOW" reaction.  It was your pure, child-like adoration, genuine love and trust that you gave Me in your response. I accept your gift and will always protect it and hold it close to My heart.

I love you, Zack, I love you with the very core of My existence. NOTHING is ever going to change that, or take that from us. NOTHING. I promise you this with everything that is in me.


(Enough of the sugar and mush- My next posts will get down to what Mistress is planning for Her very obedience slave whore - stay tuned!)