Musings...

I'm in the hotel room. The sun is coming up and there is a beautiful view from the 10th floor.

It feels good laying here in this bed where Zack and I spent several hours yesterday. I can smell him on the pillows; his scent is like an aphrodisiac to me.

I loved being with him yesterday. The coffee shop was fun- I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and I took great pleasure in ordering him to sit and where, as I bought coffee. When I sat down, I asked him if he had eaten. I knew the answer - he hadn't . I also knew that he wanted to be out of there and in bed here with Me. But, as we know, this is not about what he wants, now is it??

I pulled a sandwich out of my bag that I had bought him and ordered him to eat. I guess I sounded like I meant it because he ate without arguing with Me about it. Another first. I might just be making progress with this guy.

My dream is to get him away where we are strangers and publicly be his Mistress, he as my slave. I want him to wear the collar in public- I want to humiliate him in public - if showing the world that I own him, that he is My slave, that he can only do what I allow him to do is humiliating. Somehow, I don't think it would be for Zack. I fantasize a lot about that.

I made him beg to wear the collar yesterday. I actually had him doing a lot of begging - that was fun! My favourite though is not letting him cum. That is an indescribable feeling - that he would do everything in his power to comply. I love saying the words that take him immediately to the edge " Mother wants to fuck her slutty son". He truly is a slut. He will do anything to get fucked - and the more he trusts Me, the further I can push him.

I worry, though, that I might not be creative enough to keep him interested. He is constantly asking for "more". I don't think people appreciate or comprehend how much work actually goes into an M/s play session. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't spontaneous. And then, there are the times when I just want us to be us. It is important to Me that Zack gets from Me what he needs, what he desires. Nothing takes priority over him. I hope I am good enough to keep him coming back for more.
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At Long Last....

W/we've been away from here for a while. All is well, W/we have just been very busy - life always has a way of getting in the way of what W/we want most. But today, "life" got pushed aside for awhile.

Zack and I spent an entire afternoon together - doing what W/we like to do best - fucking. Oh, certainly, W/we talked, and W/we laughed, and Zack actually slept a little (he really needed that!) but mostly W/we fucked. And at the end of it all, W/we both had a "head explosion". I was lucky enough to have 2.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole Dominance thing. I've read everything I can, twice. I know what a Domme is SUPPOSED to act like. I know what is expected. But what I am learning is that this stuff is only useful in teaching you about this lifestyle - and just as everyone has a different perspective of what "lifestyle" means to them, I am just figuring out what being a Domme means to me.

I love Dominating Zack. I love being in control of the situation and in control of him. I absolutely love the look he gets on his face when I order him around - this is when his little boy self comes out, and sheer adoration shines out of his eyes. It turns Me on.

I had him meet me at a coffee shop yesterday and as we sat there I made him do a little begging - I made him beg me to give him a hotel room key and I made him tell Me exactly what he wants from his Mistress. The more he said, the more turned on I became. Without even a thought, I reached out, grabbed him by the hair and pulled him to me and kissed him. Yes, right there - in the front of the coffee shop, visible from the busy street, and in front of everyone. Zack impressed me. The "old" Zack would have probably fainted dead away in sheer panic if I had done that before.  LOL. He just got a stupid grin on his face and asked me to do it again!

When W/we were finally naked and in bed, I at last had him exactly where I wanted him - under Me.  I LOVE being on top of him, his cock buried deep inside me, and watching him work so hard not to come, I love moving, and saying the things that I know make him crazy; I love bringing him to the absolute edge, backing off, only to take him back to the edge again. THAT is control and I love that Zack gives me that. And he does that for Me.

But there are a few things I am struggling with, and I figured some things out yesterday. First of all, BDSM has 4 very different components. A successful relationship does not have to include all of those components. Now, I am pretty sure, that if I were a professional Dominatrix, with my own dungeon, I would have absolutely no problem delivering all kinds of pain and humiliation to my clients. I'm pretty sure I could get to be very good at flogging some sub who desperately wanted and needed that. I do believe I have it in me.

Yesterday, I inflicted pain on Zack. I have said before I like to bite, not hard, but hard enough. Zack has probably the most sensitive nipples anyone could ever have. Something about that fascinates me. For some reason, I feel challenged by that and it excites Me to take on the challenge of controlling him that way; the idea of bringing him to his knees by biting, pinching and squeezing those tender nipples causes the heat to rise in Me. It fucking turns Me on.

He is such a fucking pussy about those nipples. And the more he whines and cries about it, the greater the pleasure I seem to get. lol. Sorry, Zack, I suspect those nipples are going to take a lot of the heat in the future.

I got the crop out as well yesterday, and gave him a pretty good paddling. Now, this is the confusing part. I didn't enjoy it. I have absolutely no idea why. Zack's response was the same as when I was twisting those poor nipples of his, and yet My response was not the same. I have all kinds of thoughts about this, and it truly confuses me but I have to think about it some more, to sort it out in My mind. I do think, however, I would enjoy more of the hot wax play. W/we didn't do that yesterday, but I have a feeling I would enjoy that more. I am not sure it would be a turn on for me though.

 One thing I do know, if Zack can't handle the pain from his nipples when I play with them, he sure isn't going to be able to handle me fucking his ass. I don't know if I have the skills it would take to get him past all of his anal hang-ups. I guess we will just have to see.

I didn't restraint him or blindfold him yesterday - I needed to feel his hands on me, his arms around me, I needed to see his face and look into his eyes. I love his face, and I love his eyes. I'm not being corny when I say they truly are the window to his soul. And I know that I am the only one who sees, who knows what lies there. I know Zack. I know who he is and what he needs, even when he doesn't. And I delight in knowing I am the only one who does. I don't think he looks at Me the same way, or sees Me the same way, but that's ok - I'm not sure men are capable of that.

I love you, Zack. More than you could ever possibly know. I am not sure you will ever fully comprehend that.