I am also aware that I need to take each day as it comes - I have to take care of myself and my needs, so I am determined not to go to that dark place again, just because zack is acting like a jerk.
I had to go back to the apartment yesterday because I forgot to pay this last month's rent. (I can not begin to tell you how each passing day makes me sadder about this, but I have to do this, I have to let this apartment go). zack asked me if i could change my mind. I will be honest and tell you that I have gone back and forth on this a million times. I am procrastinating getting the furniture advertised and sold. I really do love coming here to work, to relax and yes, to fuck zack. But I have examined this closely - this apartment is part of the trouble I get myself into. Because it is within a block of where zack lives and works, I think I put more expectations on it than I thought. I rented the apartment to make it easier to see zack - for quick visits, long visits, spontaneous visits. This week has resulted in exactly what I had hoped this apartment would do - although we haven't spent hours and hours together, I have spent time with zack 4 out of 5 days - without, I think, any problem for him. Yes, if I thought, even for a moment, that this was sustainable, I would keep the apartment. But (and maybe it is my turn to be paranoid) I think that zack's attentiveness this week is a reaction to my mood of late and my giving notice at the apartment. In essence, I think he has come to realize that he can not take me for granted. I just think that if I were to change my mind about it, we would quickly fall back into old patterns.
Another point I made to zack is that this apartment has become our relationship. Since renting the apartment it is the only place we are together. Where we used to meet for coffee or breakfast, where I would pick him up in my car and whisk him away for a half hour or so, or fuck him in the back seat of my car in a nearby parkade (yes, I love to live dangerously LOL) or take a hike - we do none of these things anymore. The apartment has narrowed zack's world even more, to the detriment of us both, I'm afraid. So, yes, the apartment has to go.
zack was a naughty boy yesterday. He showed up at the apartment. I had already decided that if he showed up, I was going to fuck him for the 4th time this week. Yum. He has been very good at the orgasm denial - exceptional, I think. But I guess a man has limits.And it doesn't help when I taunt him so mercilessly. I ordered his pants off - and he was wielding a very huge cock - honestly, it was bigger than I have ever seen it. I could barely get it into my mouth - and that is saying something, trust me. Oh, I was looking very forward to having that stuffed deep inside me and the deeper the better. I pinned his arms down and straddled him. Looking deep into his eyes, watching his every reaction, I slid down onto that gorgeous cock. Then I leaned forward and whispered in his ear "tell me how that feels".. I knew how it felt, but it arouses him more to have to describe it. His words: "wonderful" "like coming home" "intense" told me I was not wrong on his level of arousal. Then I looked him in the eye and ordered "put your knees up". His eyes got very big, because we both knew what that does to him - it is a position that makes it extremely difficult for him to prevent his orgasm. This is the position that gets him into so much trouble when I fuck him in the back seat of my car (and come to think of it, I haven't done that in my new car.. hmmm). When his knees are up it pushes his cock to the hilt inside me and I am filled up with him. Her did as he was told, and I began riding him, and whispering in his ear the whole time. Fuck!! It felt so wonderful! I love tormenting him this way.. lol. I don' t know how it feels to him when I near orgasm, but the feeling must change for him, because that is when he starts crying "what are you doing to me? what are you DOING to me?!!" I knew. I knew exactly what I was doing.
Suddenly, he began laughing - oh, not a "gee, am I having fun" kind of laugh but "Holy Fuck! I just came and she is going to KILL me!" kind of nervous laugh. He came and I had not. he ought to be nervous. I stared him in the eye for a moment. I said "What did you DO???" He tried so hard to make me believe he had "not lost it all". Right. I am not stupid.
he came, and he had not been given permission. What to do, what to do? well, I guess the least he could do was clean up his mess. And I was not leaving without my own release, my own orgasm. So, with that thought, I removed myself from his now very soft cock and fucked his face. My juices and his cum all over his face...that was the best orgasm of the week. zack done good without intending to.... and I guess we all know who was really in control, right?? Everything that happened was at my desire and zack was my very willing slut, my delicious whoreboy.
Yes, it was a very good week, indeed.
As always,
Love, Sarah
Saturday 4 May 2013
Thursday 2 May 2013
Diversions...
It's been a good week. zack came by again today - that is the third time. Ok, Ok.. yes, I have fucked him every time he showed up. He is such a slut and i am insatiable. What can I say??
One thing I insist on is that he is not allowed to cum. Ever. This is one point I will not waiver on. I have spent an entire marriage with someone who couldn't give a rat's ass if I were satisfied or not and there is nothing more deadly to a relationship as far I am concerned. Back then, I taught myself not to get aroused, because I would be let down every time. zack knows this...and he knows the fastest way to lose my trust is to cum before I give him permission to. he messed up once when I was fucking him in the back seat of my car - he has experienced the outcome. he does not want that to happen again.
Poor zack. I take extreme pleasure in taking him right to that edge - over and over and over again. It is almost like daring him to cum. I would love it if he would comment to this post and explain what this is like for him. Anyway, he is very good at holding off. I know it isn't easy, but his primary goal is to make sure I am served well and taken care of. I will whisper all kinds of things in his ear while I am riding that big cock of his. I know exactly what to say to drive him totally crazy. And I use him to my best advantage. In these moments he is merely a piece of meat - his sole purpose is to be used as such and to please me. He has done a very good job this week.
But one thing I know is that although I am never going to leave him, I know now that I need "diversions" to get me through his absences. That is what I had hoped Mr. Researcher would become - my diversion, someone to entertain me when zack is otherwise occupied. Interestingly, zack wants to hear me tell him about my escapades. I was doubtful, but it turns out that this turns him on like nothing else - he is a true cuckold. He wants his Mistress happy and satisfied.
I had a coffee date today with a man I met. I'll call him Dale Carnegie - that is what he does. He is quite different from zack, although he is tall. Where I like them dark, he is blonde and graying at the temples. He is very nice, but there wasn't that instant chemistry that I experienced with zack and with Mr. Researcher. I will probably see him again and see where this might go. And I will share everything with zack. I will ride his cock, and whisper in his ear and tell him about my diversion or my flirting with men I work with - I may even make up some things, but he will never know that. If it turns him on, if it sends him to subspace that pleases me. I don't inflict pain or harsh punishment to send him there, this does the job quite nicely.
So, yes, this week sees us connected again, and I am cautiously optimistic for us.
As always,
Love, Sarah
One thing I insist on is that he is not allowed to cum. Ever. This is one point I will not waiver on. I have spent an entire marriage with someone who couldn't give a rat's ass if I were satisfied or not and there is nothing more deadly to a relationship as far I am concerned. Back then, I taught myself not to get aroused, because I would be let down every time. zack knows this...and he knows the fastest way to lose my trust is to cum before I give him permission to. he messed up once when I was fucking him in the back seat of my car - he has experienced the outcome. he does not want that to happen again.
Poor zack. I take extreme pleasure in taking him right to that edge - over and over and over again. It is almost like daring him to cum. I would love it if he would comment to this post and explain what this is like for him. Anyway, he is very good at holding off. I know it isn't easy, but his primary goal is to make sure I am served well and taken care of. I will whisper all kinds of things in his ear while I am riding that big cock of his. I know exactly what to say to drive him totally crazy. And I use him to my best advantage. In these moments he is merely a piece of meat - his sole purpose is to be used as such and to please me. He has done a very good job this week.
But one thing I know is that although I am never going to leave him, I know now that I need "diversions" to get me through his absences. That is what I had hoped Mr. Researcher would become - my diversion, someone to entertain me when zack is otherwise occupied. Interestingly, zack wants to hear me tell him about my escapades. I was doubtful, but it turns out that this turns him on like nothing else - he is a true cuckold. He wants his Mistress happy and satisfied.
I had a coffee date today with a man I met. I'll call him Dale Carnegie - that is what he does. He is quite different from zack, although he is tall. Where I like them dark, he is blonde and graying at the temples. He is very nice, but there wasn't that instant chemistry that I experienced with zack and with Mr. Researcher. I will probably see him again and see where this might go. And I will share everything with zack. I will ride his cock, and whisper in his ear and tell him about my diversion or my flirting with men I work with - I may even make up some things, but he will never know that. If it turns him on, if it sends him to subspace that pleases me. I don't inflict pain or harsh punishment to send him there, this does the job quite nicely.
So, yes, this week sees us connected again, and I am cautiously optimistic for us.
As always,
Love, Sarah
The M/s Relationship Re-visited...
I have read the comments recently added. zack is adding comments because his posting privileged have been revoked. he knows he is going to have to earn the right to post here again.
Myself.. thank you for your comments. I can't tell you how much I have appreciated your support since we "met" on Slaveduties. Although we haven't met in person, I consider you a friend and I sincerely hope that I don't lose that because of decisions I make here. I think you are a wonderful human being, and I value your opinions.
When I first read your comment to zack on my last post I was somewhat taken aback. Not upset, but caught off guard because people rarely, if ever, stand up for ME. I think I can speak for many Mistresses - having to be the one always in control, always making the decisions is not always the greatest place to be. Being perceived as being "in control" causes people to forget that we too have needs and desires and that we too want someone to consider what we want once in a while without being told, to put our needs first. I suspect that we often don't think about what we really need either. So, your words gave me a warm feeling. Thank you.
That said, I considered removing your comment to protect zack. If I removed it, it would not have been because I didn't like it, but because I know it will upset zack. And regardless of anything else - I am very protective of him. I guess being that way is what gets me into such a mess because most often he doesn't want my protection. When I thought about it a bit more, I decided I WANTED him to read it. I wanted to see his reaction. I am not sure if he has read it. If he has, he hasn't said anything.
You are absolutely right, Myself, he is selfish. It really is all about him with his "I, I, I" and "me,me,me," all the time. He is needy. But I have fostered that, encouraged that behavior. He lives in a world where he is never allowed to think of himself, or what he needs - he is making all the decisions that are in the best interests of everyone else - his wife, his employer, the people he manages, never his own.The demands on him are huge. He has learned not to think of himself, I dare say he feels unworthy of giving or taking anything for himself. Of course, that is often what gets us into trouble, because he gets into places where he can't say "I need to take some time for me to care for my Mistress". Serving me, pleasing me makes him happy - at a time when he doesn't believe he deserves to feel happy. Does that make sense?
I allow him to be free - he is free to be as needy as he wants with me. His neediness pleases me. I guess you can say it is my need for him to need me. If you look back at all the problem times we have had since I started this blog, you might recognize the trend. When he isn't being needy, when he is so overwhelmed by his life that he loses focus - those are times when I believe he doesn't need me anymore. And around we go.
We spoke on the phone last Sunday I've spent time with zack this week as well. After work on Monday, and yesterday. On Monday evening he was going to a family dinner at a nearby restaurant. I stalked him there. I sat at a nearby table, ordered dinner and watched him. I hope it made hims squirm. When he got up to leave, he went to the washroom - I was actually almost right behind him and I seriously considered just pushing him into the men's washroom, push him into a stall and fuck him there. However, his family was sitting where they would have definitely seen this and of course, since it wasn't one of those family washrooms, there was the chance that I would have been revealed. It was fun thought, though. .So I just "disappeared" (his term). It was fun.
Yesterday, we connected for an hour or so. We talked, and he asked me what happened - why did I "suddenly" feel we were over. I've thought about that. I think the "rejection" of Mr Researcher had something to do with it, seeing zack being beaten into the ground was another - the radio program last week seemed to be the last straw for me. This was all happening at a time when I myself was feeling abandoned. A cascade effect, I guess.
So, although I try not to encourage his "self-ness" all the time - I do remind him that he really is to do as I desire and to do as he is told - I allow him to express that part of himself. It is a release for him..
I am not going to say everything is fine - I am still giving up the apartment, and our relationship will take on a new persona, I think, but I do love zack. I love all his faults, I do not judge him and I will never abandon him.
I told him I may explore diversions, but he better accept it.
It's a new day...
As always,
Love Sarah
Myself.. thank you for your comments. I can't tell you how much I have appreciated your support since we "met" on Slaveduties. Although we haven't met in person, I consider you a friend and I sincerely hope that I don't lose that because of decisions I make here. I think you are a wonderful human being, and I value your opinions.
When I first read your comment to zack on my last post I was somewhat taken aback. Not upset, but caught off guard because people rarely, if ever, stand up for ME. I think I can speak for many Mistresses - having to be the one always in control, always making the decisions is not always the greatest place to be. Being perceived as being "in control" causes people to forget that we too have needs and desires and that we too want someone to consider what we want once in a while without being told, to put our needs first. I suspect that we often don't think about what we really need either. So, your words gave me a warm feeling. Thank you.
That said, I considered removing your comment to protect zack. If I removed it, it would not have been because I didn't like it, but because I know it will upset zack. And regardless of anything else - I am very protective of him. I guess being that way is what gets me into such a mess because most often he doesn't want my protection. When I thought about it a bit more, I decided I WANTED him to read it. I wanted to see his reaction. I am not sure if he has read it. If he has, he hasn't said anything.
You are absolutely right, Myself, he is selfish. It really is all about him with his "I, I, I" and "me,me,me," all the time. He is needy. But I have fostered that, encouraged that behavior. He lives in a world where he is never allowed to think of himself, or what he needs - he is making all the decisions that are in the best interests of everyone else - his wife, his employer, the people he manages, never his own.The demands on him are huge. He has learned not to think of himself, I dare say he feels unworthy of giving or taking anything for himself. Of course, that is often what gets us into trouble, because he gets into places where he can't say "I need to take some time for me to care for my Mistress". Serving me, pleasing me makes him happy - at a time when he doesn't believe he deserves to feel happy. Does that make sense?
I allow him to be free - he is free to be as needy as he wants with me. His neediness pleases me. I guess you can say it is my need for him to need me. If you look back at all the problem times we have had since I started this blog, you might recognize the trend. When he isn't being needy, when he is so overwhelmed by his life that he loses focus - those are times when I believe he doesn't need me anymore. And around we go.
We spoke on the phone last Sunday I've spent time with zack this week as well. After work on Monday, and yesterday. On Monday evening he was going to a family dinner at a nearby restaurant. I stalked him there. I sat at a nearby table, ordered dinner and watched him. I hope it made hims squirm. When he got up to leave, he went to the washroom - I was actually almost right behind him and I seriously considered just pushing him into the men's washroom, push him into a stall and fuck him there. However, his family was sitting where they would have definitely seen this and of course, since it wasn't one of those family washrooms, there was the chance that I would have been revealed. It was fun thought, though. .So I just "disappeared" (his term). It was fun.
Yesterday, we connected for an hour or so. We talked, and he asked me what happened - why did I "suddenly" feel we were over. I've thought about that. I think the "rejection" of Mr Researcher had something to do with it, seeing zack being beaten into the ground was another - the radio program last week seemed to be the last straw for me. This was all happening at a time when I myself was feeling abandoned. A cascade effect, I guess.
So, although I try not to encourage his "self-ness" all the time - I do remind him that he really is to do as I desire and to do as he is told - I allow him to express that part of himself. It is a release for him..
I am not going to say everything is fine - I am still giving up the apartment, and our relationship will take on a new persona, I think, but I do love zack. I love all his faults, I do not judge him and I will never abandon him.
I told him I may explore diversions, but he better accept it.
It's a new day...
As always,
Love Sarah
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