So it is Written, So it Shall Be Done...

I haven't heard from zack. At all. It is pretty evident to me (and probably you as well)  that I am of little significance in his life.  Ironically, as he always worried about me abandoning him, he has now abandoned me.

So, I guess it is finally over. The story of the part time M/s relationship is done. Thank you, readers - I hope you have enjoyed the escapades of zack and Sarah. Believe me when I say I will never forget the past 4 years, nor do I regret a single second of them - regardless of the many highs and many lows they contained. I only wish zack had the courage to end this face to face - but I also know how extremely hard that would have been for both of us. Perhaps his last final disappearing act really is the kindest way for both of us. I guess we will never know, will we??

And so, as they say in the movies

Tout passe, tout lasse, tout casse    (Everything passes, everything wears out, everything breaks)

C'est Fini   (It's all over)
As always,

Love, Sarah

Moving Forward, or Dwelling on the Past?

I have given notice and posted photos of the furniture I am selling from the apartment.. I spent the last 2 nights there - it was quite bittersweet. zack had hoped to be able to stop by Tues morning, but, you guessed it, the good intentions never came to be.

I feel like there will always be something getting in the way. I tried to explain to zack what is happening with me, what my concerns are, in this email I sent him...

I want to try to help you understand. I love you. Please don’t ever doubt that, or think I don’t want to see you. Please.

I am not unhappy because your time in taken by the demands of your work, OR the need to care for your wife. I WANT you to take care of her. I can tell you I would not feel very good if you neglected her to spend time with me.

What I am upset about is that you keep taking on more and more everyday - the only one you say "no" to is me. Is it wrong for me to want back the joy we used to share? I know you want that as well. But while you see every week, every situation as a minor one - that tomorrow, next week, next month everything will be better, everything will be as it used to be- I just don’t.

I wish I could be that optimistic; I have tried to be, but the years (yes, years) go by and I watch us getting older, and you buckling under the load you carry as more and more gets heaped on you. I hate seeing the sheer exhaustion on your face – that look has been there for well over a year, maybe even longer – and I saw it the other day. When I said you had lost weight, I wasn't talking about your body. I was looking at your face – looking at the fatigue, the gaunt expression that has become you. Seeing that causes me a great deal of pain.

I  know, I am not making any sense. Nothing makes any sense to me these days, anyway. All I can think about is being with you and both of us feeling free… it’s that feeling I miss – the feeling from the seaside strolls, the feeling of sitting with you on a bench with my legs draped across yours talking, or sitting in my car with you at the park waiting for a tow truck. That feeling is missing, even when we are together these days, so it isn't the frequency of seeing you that is the issue. I guess the problem is that I feel like neither of us will be happy like that again.

Please don’t say you told me you couldn't give me what I wanted.. we are sooo beyond that. Years beyond that. I want you, absolutely, and no one else. I am not leaving you – ever. I am just not optimistic that we are going to ever feel happy (seaside stroll happy) again.

We haven't had the opportunity to talk about this.  Maybe I am too depressed, too negative to see things clearly  right now. I just don't know.