Well, Well, Well...

It was a very interesting day indeed! I started out by buying "stuff" for the apartment. The furniture won't be delivered until next Friday, but I wanted to get the rest of the place set up. I told Zack I would be there around 10 if he were able to come over - I wanted to show him the place, give him his keys, but I assured him there was NOT going to be any play - not until I have everything set up.

I got a lot of stuff done, and waited until 12:30 - Zack hadn't showed up yet, so I went to a nearby coffee shop for coffee and to work on my laptop. As these things usually go, I no sooner sat down with coffee and got the laptop turned on when he called - he was at the apartment, and where was I? (I was a block away). I told him I would be right there. Mr. Anxious couldn't wait for me there, he came to meet me.   :-)

We got into the apartment and I showed him around - all 2 rooms of it. It was the first time he had seen it and he was quite pleased. We sat on the floor and talked, made out, but like I said - no play. Besides he had an appointment at 2. He said the appointment would be brief and he would be right back. I told him to hurry, because I had a surprise for him. My resolve had weakened and I did want to play after all. It's what happens when I am around Zack. I know, I'm weak.

I had my play stuff there, so I changed into my "Mistress Persona" and was ready for him. He had a key so he could let himself in. I was ready for him - sitting on the counter, flogger in hand. I waited.

And I waited. 3:30 came and went. By 3:45 I was pissed. I put the chain on the door. There was no way he was going to just saunter on in. I was going to give him until 4 pm, at which time I was changing and leaving. Fuck him and he was going to pay for this. At 3:58 he opened the door.

Of course, he couldn't get in, because of the chain. I could tell by his voice that this confused him. I told him to wait a minute and went to open the door. What he saw when he came through the door was his Mistress and she was not happy - and I told him so. I went back into the kitchen. His confusion continued. I am sure he had no idea why I was pissed. Typical thoughtless, stupid man. He asked what he could do to make it better. I told him to get his fucking clothes off and get into position in front of me. He was very prompt. Once he was on his knees, he asked if he could explain. I told him no. I also told him that one thing that was going to change immediately was that I no longer wanted to hear all his fucking excuses when he messed up. What I wanted was for him to apologise and take responsibility it. That and to take the discipline that would result like a man. He apologised. We'll have to see how he takes the discipline.

Now one thing I do know is that you never discipline or punish when you are angry. I'm pretty sure if I had started using the flogger it would have made me feel better, but it would not have been good for Zack. And I want never to betray his trust in me that way. Instead, I sent him into the other room.

When I got in there, he was in position, on his knees, waiting for me. I won't go into the step by step, but what I finally did was fuck him - but it wasn't truly sexual. He was ordered not to cum. And I fucked him like an Alpha Bitch - with the intent of him understanding who was in charge, who was in control. I think he got the picture.

He didn't get disciplined today. But he will. One thing I am beginning to realise is that I HAVE been soft on him. I don't regret that, I think it has been necessary for us both to work through situations and develop an unconditional trust. But now he needs discipline. I think he understands that I want him to be the very best slave he can be, and in doing so, he will become a better man in all aspects of his life as well. I wholeheartedly believe that. I love him and I want him to be the very best he can be. He is worth it, he is worthy of my love and he is worthy of my direction. I have been challenged in this part of our M/s relationship - I am not a sadist, it doesn't bring me pleasure to cause pain. But just as a mother disciplines her child, discipline borne out of love and a desire for the child to be successful and happy, so must a Mistress discipline her sub, her slave.

What Zack doesn't know (but will once he reads this) is that once the apartment is ready, he will be disciplined on a regular basis. The discipline is not punishment - being subservient requires a person to be disciplined in their actions, in their lives. Zack is most definitely not disciplined. Just as athletes make sacrifices to be the best, living very disciplined lives, so must those who serve Mistresses and Masters. Being the best doesn't come easily, nor does it come without some level of discomfort and suffering. The discipline will remind Zack that he must try harder. What Zack also needs to know and understand is that I will discipline with great love. Because he is my great love. I do not take this effort or make this commitment to anyone else. I will no longer let his lapses slide. I will no longer accept his excuses or his blaming a million events or others for his faltering.  And he will falter - I know that. But I know he will do his best, and that with each error he will try harder to be better. He believes he can be the best slave I could have. I guess time will tell.

I love you Zack. I want you to be the very best you can be. I want you to be as happy as I can possibly make you. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Decisions, Disappointments, Anticipation, Excitement...

I have taken possession of "our apartment" - I like the sound of that, a lot.

It actually wasn't an easy decision to make when it came down to it. I had a bit of a meltdown a few days ago, but I was fortunate enough to have been able to connect with Zack and talk it out. Its crazy how centered and grounded I become when we connect. He is very good for me. We are both looking forward to the opportunities in store for us here. Of course, I think we will still need to play in the fuckmobile once in awhile - you know, just for old times sake. :-)

But just so you know, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are things that disappoint me. This blog is one of them. Regardless of what I want (and Zack knows what that is) he doesn't get here or add to it as much as I would like. After we have spend a particularly intense session playing, for example, I will instruct him to add his thoughts and reflections about here. That rarely happens. I'm giving up on that. What will be will be, I guess. Some things i will never have control over.

All in all, however, the future - our future - looks bright. It remains fragile, and I will never take that for granted, but I feel good. I feel so very good.

Up, Down and All Around...

I'm excited about having a place to spend time with Zack - a place we can call "ours", a place I can have my stuff "to hang my hat" so to speak. But my emotions have been all over the map since I got the call about the apartment on Saturday. What I realized was that I needed Zack - I needed his submission, I needed his presence. Only then would I be able to think clearly and work through this in my mind.

I wasn't sure he would get my messages about getting together today sometime, but I hoped - so I tried. Zack likes it when he knows I have been "stalking" him, so that is what I did today, in hopes of seeing him. I cruised his apartment building, and then went to a local coffee shop to "lay in wait". I wasn't completely sure, but I figured that if he got my message of where I was, he would be there.

And what a good boy he is!!! Although he didn't have a lot of time, he was able to meet me for a bit.
seeing him, having the opportunity to discuss this with him, to have him challenge me about it (is this the right time?) was enough for me to sort it out in my mind. I feel much better now. MUCH better.

And I can't wait to get that gorgeous new bed I bought in there - I can't wait to get Zack tied to it, I can't wait to resume his "training" - here's an interesting bit of news.. the sales person suggested I buy one of their mattress covers.. it's fleece covered, but completely water proof. I said "Oh, so I could pee the bed and the mattress would be protected?" "Yep!" was her reply. Now if you have read any of our blog, and you understand Zack, you will know EXACTLY what I was talking about!!! LOL. Did I buy it?? You're damned right I did!!

When I get the stuff moved in, I'll take pictures and post them here.. you might even see one of Zack's ass with "Sarah's Slut" written across it in lipstick..
Good times ahead!

Good news!!

Well, it's confirmed - I have been approved for the new apartment that will become my "dungeon" of sorts. I assume occupancy on Jan. 15/12.

This is not only turning a page, but the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. The road ahead will not be smooth - but if I have Zack with me, I'll be ok.

50 Reasons Why a Slave Should Serve...

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The Ups and the Downs...

It's no one's fault.. it simply is what it is (note: I understand this is one of the phrases to be eliminated from our speech this year - not mine, it says it like it is!)

Our situation and our relationship is so far from ideal - for both of us. All we can do is make the best of it. Zack is trying so hard to work "us" into his life - last week was amazing! We have spent some incredibly amazing time together - quality time that has enhanced and deepened our relationship. Things are so wonderful, with the potential of getting better, So why do I feel so down right now?

It's because I am one very greedy girl, I always have been. I am never satisfied with the status quo. I think this character "flaw" worries Zack. I think he is afraid that I will get to a point where I won't be satisfied with him, that I will become bored with him, that our relationship will not satisfy me. He doesn't  have a thing to worry about. We have just begun our journey together - we have so much to explore, so many things to try - some we will love, some we won't, but there is a lot of "living" we have missed out on and need to make up for. I want to do that with Zack.

It isn't simply his servitude that makes me want him, it isn't his gorgoeus cock (although, I will confess - that IS a big draw ), it is the man he is. I don't think he understands that. I'm not sure I understand that. I have always be hyper-critical of people. I have always been able to pick out their flaws, their weaknesses. So, why is it so different with Zack? Because I know he has flaws, he has weaknesses, and there are things about him that drive me crazy some times. But at the end of it all (and I have told him this) I do not want him to change anything. I love his weaknesses, his flaws, his vulnerabilities. Every one of them come together to make him the man I so dearly love. If he changed anything would I love him less? I highly doubt it, and any change isn't necessary anyway, because there isn't anything he could do that would make me love him more than I do right now.

No, my problem right now is that I can't get enough of him. I should be satisfied with our morning together a week ago, having coffee before work the other morning, the afternoon with him and then the time we got to spend together the following morning. Yes, I have had more time with Zack recently than ever before. And yet, I miss him so much.

I went to see an apartment last week. I am praying my application will be approved. I want this apartment so badly. It would allow us to see each other often, I would be able to hang my toys somewhere, we could have our very own "playpen" to enjoy each other in. Our own little dungeon.

But the decision to take this apartment has brought it's own trepidations, it's own level of anxiety for me. It's a huge commitment, absolutely. But it is also the first step away from my marriage - the first REAL step. My counsellor is rooting for me - he is very encouraging for me to do this. But no matter how I feel about my marriage and my husband this is not easy. As much as I love Zack and want to be with him or near him - this step is definitely NOT easy. No matter the reasons, I will be walking away from something I have invested almost my entire life into. Again, it is what it is, but it isn't easy. Zack needs to understand that. He needs to understand that as much as  I want to do this, I feel a huge loss as a result. I hope I am not making a huge mistake. Loving Zack is not a mistake, Zack is my life, my destiny. But if I do this, and Zack comes to a point where he can't continue with me - then I am lost. Forever. That scares the crap out of me.

I know we can never know the future or what it will bring. Sometimes is is hard to step out on that ledge and take that leap of faith. I just hope Zack is always there to catch me.

Sarah's absence

I'm missing Sarah right now. I haven't seen her since Thursday. We had an incredible time together, and I know things will get even better this year.

But at the moment, she's not around and it's leaving me feeling a bit lonesome. I hope I can spend some time with her this week.

Zack