We can't recover.. not at this point. Zack is not doing well with his "other" life - although our relationship is the best thing for us both, he is struggling to manage work, home and us. And "Us" is the only thing we can change right now.
If I had my way, if I had a few million dollars - I would literally buy him away from it all. I would take him far away and take care of him the way he so deserves to be taken care of.
His wife is crazier than ever and he is all she has. His employer is floundering and Zack is the only one holding the company above water. I know, he should not take on that kind of responsibility, and yet, there it is. That is who he is. The characteristics that attracted me to him, that I love so much about him - his committment, his caring, his sense of loyalty and duty - are the very ones that are dragging him under.
I am afraid for him. Afraid for his health, for his wellbeing. But right now, my being so involved, being so close to him is causing him even more stress and anxiety. He is struggling as he tries to meet the needs of everyone - an impossible task. He can't change his wife, he can't change his work. He wants to be with me, he wants to feel the release, the joy and contentment we find together, but I see that he can't, and this is killing him as well.
I have no choice. I have to do what I can to ease some of his burden.
And so, I am leaving the apartment. I am leaving the city - well, at least I am if one of the jobs I have applied for comes through. I hope Zack understands me when I tell him that I love him beyond everything and everyone else. I have told him that I am not leaving him, I am not abandoning him, I am just giving him space. All his has to do is call and I will drop everything and come running. Anywhere, anytime.
I'm at the apartment. I am packing things up. I will sell pretty much everything - everything is a stark reminder of the wonderful times Zack and I had here. The next few weeks are going to be very very difficult. Zack is near by, but I cannot see him. I wish I could hold him, make love to him one more time. I will have to be satisfied with the memories of the last wonderful afternoon we spent here. If only I had known then what the future held....
