And Here It Is..

There is no doubt zack will be angry I posted this here, but I need to if for no other reason than it allows me to sort things out in my mind - the mind that has been reeling since Tuesday morning.

I'll go back to last weekend and if you have been reading our blog for a while, you will know that we are both married, just not to each other. If you want details, please do back to the beginning. There are many reasons why neither of us can change our situations.

Last weekend, my husband was a total jerk. So much so that I am seriously contemplating moving out. When he gets like this, I become very stressed out, very agitated and in a great deal of need to vent. On Sat evening, I called zack's office - not with the intent of speaking with him, but to just blast off on his voice mail. I have done this before and it does help hearing his voice and being able to let all of my frustrations out all at once. It is a good compromise to having him directly under my control and venting physically on him.

But I called his voice mail and he answered. Now, THAT pissed me off and I told him so. It was just another straw in the camel's back. Anyway, I vented to him about what had gone on at home - his response?? he laughed. HE LAUGHED. How fucking stupid (and insensitive to his Mistress's needs) can one person be?? THEN, he blew me off and hung up. THAT did not do anything towards making me feel better.

The weekend got even worse at home and by Sunday evening, I had pretty much had it with all men in general. If anyone stopped by here, they would have read a pretty hostile post I wrote (which I have since removed). I also wrote a scathing email to zack on the same subject. Venting. It's what I do when under stress. he knows that.

Anyway, on Monday evening, zack and I were emailing back and forth - he was at work - and he was, in hindsight  in as stressful a place as I was.The situation was prime for a disaster and it came. We were both kind of settling down when he sent me a message:

My wife just called from the hospital.
She said she broke her leg.
It was a hit and run accident.
She's a very careless pedestrian...
I have to go.
I love you

And then he was gone. My next message said I hoped she was ok. But my head was in turmoil. I am a healthcare person. I instantly know how these things can go. I also know that his wife is all about the drama. I played over scenario after scenario in my mind. She may have been exaggerating. It wasn't the police that called, it wasn't the hospital after all. It was her. I didn't get a sense from zack's email that the call was very critical. But I knew enough that if she indeed had suffered even a simple fracture, she would require all kinds of continuous care and it would be zack whom she would demand it from. She would never allow him to hire a home support worker to help her. My mind kept on as it always does - and in every direction. What I also know is that zack does not handle these kinds of situations well. he does not handle illness, and definitely does not do hospitals. he is very squeamish..

I sent a couple of emails  to zack expressing my random thoughts. he has always encouraged me to be open with him, I never have to fear and hold things back. In hindsight, I was coming across as pretty self centered. I was concerned very much about his well-being for sure, and I expressed concern about our relationship and the impact his having to deliver so much more support to his wife, if her leg really was broken, on our relationship. I slept very poorly that night. I was very worried about zack's mental well being through all this.

While I was driving to work early in Tuesday morning, I got a couple of one line emails from zack. I knew then he was in his office and the emails gave no indication of crisis. I was still worried about him and so I called.

When he answered I asked him how he was doing. he said how he was doing didn't matter. I told him that yes, he did matter. That was when "IT" happened. He simply snapped. Suddenly, he was yelling at me. He was very very angry. In essence, he said he was very disappointed in my previous emails and that I was a selfish BITCH, that I showed no compassion or even caring about a woman in severe agony with a seriously broken leg and knee. (Don't forget i had no knowledge of this) I hung up on him, I couldn't take that from him and especially after the past weekend with my husband.

Her leg is badly broken. She has had surgery. zack has been where he ought to be - with her. I don't have a problem with that. I wouldn't expect anything less of him. But I think he will end up ending our relationship. he was very very angry with me.

HOW????

How can a relationship that was so very good go so very bad so quickly? My mind is reeling.