(This was written Nov. 19 - Zack and I have discussed this, but I still wanted to include this here. I do not know when, or if, Zack will ever get on here to add his thoughts)
It's been a tough week. I had hoped Zack would have gotten on here to share his thoughts and feelings about the last afternoon we spent together. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, and that has ended up to be a challenge for me.
In our relationship there is a desire by us both to have new experiences. Zack is very much my little boy in the candy shop - he thinks he wants it all. But as we all know, the candy always looks great, but doesn't necessarily taste the way we hoped - sometimes it can be very distasteful indeed. My focus is always on what is good for him and it is very important to me that every experience he has is a good one.
Some time ago, as we were making out in my car, Zack asked me about the idea of peeing on him, of christening him with my urine. As it was, this was something we both thought we wanted to try. I had no idea how I would feel about it, and there is no way Zack could either. He asked me what was holding us back if we both wanted it?? What was holding me back was the fear that we would do this, and the experience would be so bad for him that he would somehow turn away from me as a result. He has constantly tried to reassure me that this would never happen - but how could he know that for sure?
When we spent our last afternoon together, I pulled out all the stops - there were many new things we engaged in. There was punishment for Zack as a result of a previous infraction (the crop got a work out on his ass), hot waxing his ass again, as well as some very specific attention being paid to his very virginal, but deliciously enticing, ass. (yep, his ass got a lot of attention that day!) - and then there was the christening. This was the hardest for me - and I watched him the entire time looking for his response. Afterwards, Zack was adamant that he enjoyed every moment. I wanted so much to believe him. I asked him to write his thoughts and perceptions here. What happen after that was solely as a result of my own insecurities.
I knew he was very busy at work. I knew that there were many things going on in his life that prevented him from both writing here and keeping in touch with me. What he was able to tell me afterwards was that he had to process everything that had gone on. I was able to bask in the afterglow of that afternoon for a few days - actually more than a few days. But the lack of connection with Zack took it's toll and my inner demons reared their ugly heads. One thing that about human nature is that we have to always make sense of those things that are important to us. If we don't have all the facts, then we just make up what seems reasonable to us - we create our own story, regardless of what the truth may actually be. And that is exactly what I did.
Since I wrote this, Zack and I have discussed that afternoon. He assures me he will never leave me, he will never turn away from me. I need to beleive him. I need to stop letting my insecurities take me over.
