I wonder if others ever go through what Zack and I are going through right now? I wonder if it makes a difference that we were "together" for 2 years before we discovered our inner desires for an M/s relationship? I wonder how different other relationships are to ours?
Right now, Mistress-sub do not exist. Right now, we are just Sarah and Zack - 2 people struggling in a complicated relationship within very complicated lives. There seems to be only 1 certainty, 1 thing we can each count on. That certainty is the love we have for each other. Regardless of the struggles, neither of us can see a future without the other. We are meant to be "together" - regardless of what "together" looks like. I need Zack like I need the air I breath. He feels the same way. I need his submission, he needs my dominance. "Play time" allows us to be free of it all for a while. Unlike other M/s relationships (I think), our "scenes" are not just role play, not just about the whole BDSM thing. Our play time is a time spent in re-connection, in bonding, of wiping away the rest of the world. It is our time for fusion - that moment when 2 people become one. I've been missing that fusion terribly. I love him so much.
I can handle the current situation, as long as it is temporary and as long as it doesn't go on too long. I can say that, but I am not sure what I would do if nothing changed back, if nothing DID get better. I don't want to have to find out. But Zack is struggling trying to find the time for us. As much as I would like it to be different, "us" simply can't be a top priority in his life. It worries him when I talk about my dreams - of kidnapping him, running away together to start new lives - ideally in a 24/7 TPE relationship. Zack wants that. I want that. But he is a realist and says it depresses him, simply because he can't see how it can ever come about. He sometimes thinks that I may want this so much, that I will find someone else to engage in a TPE relationship with. He can't seem to comprehend that I do really want it, but I really want it with HIM. ONLY him.
When we first met, when we first began this affair, he was terrified of getting caught by his wife. (Not to say, I wasn't but he was almost paranoid with the idea) He truly does not want anyone hurt because of him. When I would ask him what he would do if he did get caught, his answer was simple - he would kill himself. I did not doubt that for a second. But recently, we were in bed and I asked him again - and his response has changed. He no longer says he would kill himself. he doesn't know what he would do, but he readily admits now that he would NOT do that. Now that's progress, don't you think??
So, for the time being, we are in limbo - still snatching time together when we can, still in our marriages. I am sure that the first one to make a move will be me - I am coming closer to ending this farce of a marriage I am in. Time will tell.
Good night, folks.. thanks for stopping by!
Sarah.
