An Interesting Turn of Events...

I got home from work Thursday to find Zack - naked and cleaning the apartment- doing the dishes, vacuuming. I really do need to get that boy a nice frilly apron.

I've mentioned the book I've been reading "Female Domination" (Elise Sutton) and I've been learning a lot about the submissive male psyche. I am beginning to understand Zack even better, and after this morning I am not so sure he is ready yet to give himself over to me. I don't mean that I think he is being deceitful- I believe, I KNOW he wants this - I am just not all that confident that he is yet ready for what this kind of relationship could entail; a part of me wonders if he ever will be.

Zack needs this, he needs me to take control. But I am learning that there are things *I* might want that he has very significant, psychological barriers about. I thought I might be able to break some of those walls down this week, but I also learned that he can't completely trust me- there are walls inside his head that he may never be able to let me bring down. In these things, he can't trust me enough to let me in. I think he doesn't trust himself either- as if he is afraid of some horrendous outcome if he let's me in, if he surrenders his psyche and his body fully to me in the ways I desire.

What I want, to him, is not "normal", not "natural" and he just might believe he will lose my love, respect and affection for him if he allows me to use him in this way. He has a fear of being abandoned. He has been abandoned in so many ways his entire life. I completely understand what is going on for him.

So I am using his blog to tell him, and the rest of the world, that there is NOTHING that would cause me to turn away from him. I love him unconditionally and I will always be here for him - for as long as he wants me there.

Its ok if I don't get what I want - this is why our M/s relationship is so unique: as Mistress, as his owner, I have the right to take what I want. But that isn't what our relationship is about: it's about giving as well as taking, trust, respect and most of all it's about a commitment to the well being of each other.

I love you, Zack. I need your submission, your adoration to be whole. It is only with you that I feel this way, and I will NEVER abandon you. You may not be able to be optimistic or sure of the future, but I have been around long enough to know that what I say here today will never change - unless you want it to. I hope you never do.
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Who Knew I Would Have This Response?

I am at the apartment again this week. My response to being here has surprised me. The only image I have in my head is Zack - naked, restrained and face down on my bed.

The image is turning me on, big time. I lay in that bed reading my book on feminine domination. This book is certainly teaching me about not only what makes Zack tick but what he needs- as my submissive- from me. I am reading about forced male feminization - while I read this I became very aroused. Poor Zack!! Lol I need to go out and find him some sexy lingerie.

All I need is opportunity. His day will come.
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And the Beat Goes On...

A new day.

In one way, its pathetic how much I miss Zack. It makes me feel weak. When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable is not a state I am comfortable with. But I can't describe the way I feel other than lost, like part of me, my "other half" is missing. Zack is missing - not "missing" but not here with me right now.

I know- selfish. He has work to do, his own life to tend to. But I'm a Dominate and we know that it really is all about what I need.

Last evening my mind wandered back to playing in our new bed for the first time.
WOW! Just thinking about it gives me multiple jolts. He is such a slut, and I got to use him in many ways. Being the greedy girl that I am, I want more. I want more opportunity to dominate my boy toy, more opportunity to fuck my whore.

He has new rules. I want him naked whenever he is in the apartment. I dare him to try to exert any kind of control over any situation again, dare him to try to back off of my advances ever.

Naked. On his knees. That's where he belongs. It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it.
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