Moving Forward, or Dwelling on the Past?

I have given notice and posted photos of the furniture I am selling from the apartment.. I spent the last 2 nights there - it was quite bittersweet. zack had hoped to be able to stop by Tues morning, but, you guessed it, the good intentions never came to be.

I feel like there will always be something getting in the way. I tried to explain to zack what is happening with me, what my concerns are, in this email I sent him...

I want to try to help you understand. I love you. Please don’t ever doubt that, or think I don’t want to see you. Please.

I am not unhappy because your time in taken by the demands of your work, OR the need to care for your wife. I WANT you to take care of her. I can tell you I would not feel very good if you neglected her to spend time with me.

What I am upset about is that you keep taking on more and more everyday - the only one you say "no" to is me. Is it wrong for me to want back the joy we used to share? I know you want that as well. But while you see every week, every situation as a minor one - that tomorrow, next week, next month everything will be better, everything will be as it used to be- I just don’t.

I wish I could be that optimistic; I have tried to be, but the years (yes, years) go by and I watch us getting older, and you buckling under the load you carry as more and more gets heaped on you. I hate seeing the sheer exhaustion on your face – that look has been there for well over a year, maybe even longer – and I saw it the other day. When I said you had lost weight, I wasn't talking about your body. I was looking at your face – looking at the fatigue, the gaunt expression that has become you. Seeing that causes me a great deal of pain.

I  know, I am not making any sense. Nothing makes any sense to me these days, anyway. All I can think about is being with you and both of us feeling free… it’s that feeling I miss – the feeling from the seaside strolls, the feeling of sitting with you on a bench with my legs draped across yours talking, or sitting in my car with you at the park waiting for a tow truck. That feeling is missing, even when we are together these days, so it isn't the frequency of seeing you that is the issue. I guess the problem is that I feel like neither of us will be happy like that again.

Please don’t say you told me you couldn't give me what I wanted.. we are sooo beyond that. Years beyond that. I want you, absolutely, and no one else. I am not leaving you – ever. I am just not optimistic that we are going to ever feel happy (seaside stroll happy) again.

We haven't had the opportunity to talk about this.  Maybe I am too depressed, too negative to see things clearly  right now. I just don't know.