Today we had a fight. Well, maybe not a fight, but a major disagreement. And it is tearing me up inside.
I got home last night from my business trip. I was staying at the apartment. When I got there, and as I suspected, nothing had changed since I left there the week previous - the carpets weren't shampooed, the table wasn't assembled etc etc. I wasn't upset about it because, as I posted, I didn't expect it to be. I knew Zack was busy, even if he didn't. But neither had the landlord come and fix the things needed repair - broken light over the sink, shower on the fritz, the sink still leaking. After the week I had, THAT really pissed me off - I pay rent for a functioning apartment. I had sent Zack an email, so he knew I was home. He responded asking if he could stop by; of course!! I needed to see him. I needed to get grounded and that is what he does for me. I am not often "needy" but I was last night.
I knew things weren't going to go well the instant he came through the door. The energy in the apartment was suddenly very dark - even though Zack seemed glad to see me. He actually said he had been depressed the entire time I was away. But his words just didn't match his actions - something was off.
I needed his arms around me, all I needed was to be held. I went to him and he backed off. He said he was afraid of getting any hint of fragrance on his clothes because he was afraid his wife would pick it up. Ok, valid, even though I never wear any fragrance when there is a possibility of seeing him. I asked him to take his coat off - he stripped down to his T shirt. I went into his arms - but I didn't feel "welcome" there. I went back to putting the table together. I could feel my agitation building - I credited it to the tough week I had. We talked for a bit - both venting our frustrations - but it was like casual acquaintances venting about work.
He had to go. I walked him to the door, we kissed good bye - a brief glancing kiss that barely made contact. and he was gone. And I stood there, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut. I didn't know why, and I didn't understand what had just happened. And I had a very sleepless night as a result.
And so did Zack. He sent me a very long email at 4 am. He is having problems with adjusting to this whole idea of the apartment. He has been distressed about the cost of the furniture - he is not ok with such extravagance - like a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a TV. He also felt he needed to pay for some of it.
As I said in an early blog post, I have a huge problem with taking money, or gifts, from anyone. I have big hang ups about it. I was taught not to take things from people that I hadn't earned. In my marriage I have always been responsible for anything I decided I was going to do/purchase. I always knew my husband was not going to ever be supportive or of assistance - even when WE decided to buy a home. it was something I wanted, so I would be responsible for the mortgage, taxes, upkeep. That is how my life has been.
I decided to get this apartment, I decided on the furniture. I did not expect anyone to assume any kind of responsibility for any part of it. I am prepared to take care of it. It's my decision and therefore my responsibility. And it upsets me knowing that now, as a result of MY decisions, Zack is feeling financially responsible for something he didn't want. I don't want him feeling that. He is stressed enough by other demands he doesn't want being heaped on him. and this is what was on his mind when he stopped by last night. He may not have even been aware of it, I certainly didn't know it, but it was there, nonetheless.
I won't go into all the details, but the day was very unpleasant. Zack now wants time to re-group his thoughts and work through this - himself. He doesn't want me involved. At the end of it all, I understood that he wanted to help with the apartment. Yes, he was surprised at the costs, but wanted to help me regardless. That is a new experience for me. Trust me, when I say we are both a little fucked up, I mean it. I apologised for my responses to his helping and I thanked him. But I never got to see him today. I still need his arms around me, I still need his comforting, his grounding. And I have no idea when I am going to experience that. I am going into a couple of very stressful weeks, and I simply need him. But he needs space. I get that. I respect his need. Whatever he wants, he will get.
But I am not very happy right now...
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