Today is a new day. In the clear light of day it is evident that relationships are not simple, they aren't cut and dried and they definitely aren't smooth - sailing off into the sunset. Relationships are usually tumultuous, often confusing, complicated and often cause you to end up wondering if it really is worth it. zack will tell you that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It is for this simple reason that any relationship is going to have times when one of the players is confused about the state of things. It is that way for every "normal" relationship - 2 people together. zack and I have many odds against us - the first one is the inability to actually communicate on a regular basis. And when I say "communicate" I mean talk, not email.
Unfortunately, email has become our main method of expressing ourselves to each other. Trust me, that is a very dangerous place to get to, because you can type the words, but you have no idea what is happening for that other person when they read them.. I think we oght to expect any kind of reaction, and usually not the one we are expecting.
I will be the first to say that in our relationship I have had my fair share of times when I behaved irrationally about us. But when I talk about this past weekend, I am being very honest when I say that zack blew me out of the water. I did not expect his responses to me. And this is one time when I will say that I was a totally innocent victim. zack pushed me to the wall and pinned me there (figuratively) and I pushed back. Ergo - he got the "fuck you" response.
I am not going to make excuses for zack. Myself, you are so correct, he is always front and center in his mind - although he would never admit to that. I actually think he hasn't read your comments here because he doesn't like it when people see him in that light. I see it, I know it exists in him. I am not blind to his behavior. Simply put, he is what he is. and for better or worse, I love him anyway. We are all selfish at one point or another in our lives. But not only does he think mostly about what he wants, he also takes all the blame for everything as well - and last weekend he was taking all of the blame for my mood. So, his "selfishness" isn't just in his favor, but to his detriment as well.
I need to work on that. You know why I let him be that way, but I will confess it gets to me as well sometimes. I read once that in an M/s relationship it is actually the sub who is in control - because the Dom needs to always be aware of what is going on for them and pull back when it isn't working. The sub's responses to any situation actually control the Dom's next move - whether in discipline or punishment or taking pleasure. So, I guess you can say that zack control's what happens in this relationship. What I need to learn is how to take back some of that control - not to such a point that it doesn't work for him, but to a point where my needs are being addressed more often.
He's a man. He told me on the weekend that he was "a (occupation) so he wasn't that dense" I told him he was also a man, and as such, he is dense in many things. So, he needs reminding - over and over and over. I told him what he needs to do EVERY TIME I am upset about something is to ASK if he has done something to upset me - rather than jumping to a conclusion that he has and then get defensive.
Anyway, we continue to move forward. I have no fucking idea where we are going, but we are still going. This will not be our last dispute, of that I am certain.
As always,
Love, Sarah
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