I have read the comments recently added. zack is adding comments because his posting privileged have been revoked. he knows he is going to have to earn the right to post here again.
Myself.. thank you for your comments. I can't tell you how much I have appreciated your support since we "met" on Slaveduties. Although we haven't met in person, I consider you a friend and I sincerely hope that I don't lose that because of decisions I make here. I think you are a wonderful human being, and I value your opinions.
When I first read your comment to zack on my last post I was somewhat taken aback. Not upset, but caught off guard because people rarely, if ever, stand up for ME. I think I can speak for many Mistresses - having to be the one always in control, always making the decisions is not always the greatest place to be. Being perceived as being "in control" causes people to forget that we too have needs and desires and that we too want someone to consider what we want once in a while without being told, to put our needs first. I suspect that we often don't think about what we really need either. So, your words gave me a warm feeling. Thank you.
That said, I considered removing your comment to protect zack. If I removed it, it would not have been because I didn't like it, but because I know it will upset zack. And regardless of anything else - I am very protective of him. I guess being that way is what gets me into such a mess because most often he doesn't want my protection. When I thought about it a bit more, I decided I WANTED him to read it. I wanted to see his reaction. I am not sure if he has read it. If he has, he hasn't said anything.
You are absolutely right, Myself, he is selfish. It really is all about him with his "I, I, I" and "me,me,me," all the time. He is needy. But I have fostered that, encouraged that behavior. He lives in a world where he is never allowed to think of himself, or what he needs - he is making all the decisions that are in the best interests of everyone else - his wife, his employer, the people he manages, never his own.The demands on him are huge. He has learned not to think of himself, I dare say he feels unworthy of giving or taking anything for himself. Of course, that is often what gets us into trouble, because he gets into places where he can't say "I need to take some time for me to care for my Mistress". Serving me, pleasing me makes him happy - at a time when he doesn't believe he deserves to feel happy. Does that make sense?
I allow him to be free - he is free to be as needy as he wants with me. His neediness pleases me. I guess you can say it is my need for him to need me. If you look back at all the problem times we have had since I started this blog, you might recognize the trend. When he isn't being needy, when he is so overwhelmed by his life that he loses focus - those are times when I believe he doesn't need me anymore. And around we go.
We spoke on the phone last Sunday I've spent time with zack this week as well. After work on Monday, and yesterday. On Monday evening he was going to a family dinner at a nearby restaurant. I stalked him there. I sat at a nearby table, ordered dinner and watched him. I hope it made hims squirm. When he got up to leave, he went to the washroom - I was actually almost right behind him and I seriously considered just pushing him into the men's washroom, push him into a stall and fuck him there. However, his family was sitting where they would have definitely seen this and of course, since it wasn't one of those family washrooms, there was the chance that I would have been revealed. It was fun thought, though. .So I just "disappeared" (his term). It was fun.
Yesterday, we connected for an hour or so. We talked, and he asked me what happened - why did I "suddenly" feel we were over. I've thought about that. I think the "rejection" of Mr Researcher had something to do with it, seeing zack being beaten into the ground was another - the radio program last week seemed to be the last straw for me. This was all happening at a time when I myself was feeling abandoned. A cascade effect, I guess.
So, although I try not to encourage his "self-ness" all the time - I do remind him that he really is to do as I desire and to do as he is told - I allow him to express that part of himself. It is a release for him..
I am not going to say everything is fine - I am still giving up the apartment, and our relationship will take on a new persona, I think, but I do love zack. I love all his faults, I do not judge him and I will never abandon him.
I told him I may explore diversions, but he better accept it.
It's a new day...
As always,
Love Sarah
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