Reflections...

While I drive to work my mind is always in action. This morning, after listening to Brian Melo's song "Anywhere But Here", I had to reflect on my current situation. I no longer feel regret over the last 20 or so years of my marriage, I just wish it were over. For a number of reasons, it can't be, so here I am - listening to a song I can easily relate to; my future is anywhere but here.

Which leads me to Zack and our relationship. I had never had an affair before, there has never been anyone else in my life but my husband. But there came a point in my life when I was examining everything in it, and along came Zack.

I've already written about how we met and how I felt about that so I won't re-hash that. Suffice it to say I was a goner from the very first.

So, not having any previous experience with affairs, I can only gauge ours by what I might "know". (TV? Books? People with past experience?) What I think I know is that affairs are wonderfully exciting in the beginning, but as time passes, or challenges arise, the affair ends - either mutually or unilaterally. I hope against hope that Zack and I won't end up that way.

If challenges break couples up, Zack and I should have been over eons ago. It has been an "interesting" 2 years- more emotional upheaval than even a saint can handle at times. Yet, we have stuck it out. I can only attribute our success to Zack's unwaivering patience. And his love for me.

Zack has written here recently that our relationship is more exciting, more fulfilling, more everything than we could have even imagined at the beginning. I couldn't agree more. The passion, the connection and yes even commitment, exceeds anything I have experienced, nor could have imagined.

But I do not take it lightly nor do I take this for granted. There is always that tiny little fear that something will happen one day and he will be gone. Until the day that I have Zack fully arrives, that fear will remain. I keep it packed away, but it is always there - just waiting to come to life and consume me. I pray every day that never happens.
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