Lessons..

I will admit, I have not been a "hard" Mistress for zack. It has taken him some time to come to the full understanding of who he truly is; I see that, although he said the words and went through the motions,  he has been in a level of denial about that and I believe that his "non-acceptance": was really the very basis of our difficult year. I also know that if he truly looks inside himself he will see that I am right.

The lessons have been hard - it is not easy for anyone to completely remove the veil of their life and expose who they are inside. Without even realizing it himself zack has spent a lifetime looking for acceptance of employers, family, many women to whom he could  trust to accept him if he exposed and displayed his true self, his subservient self.He has always been subservient - even as a young boy - sensitive and willing to sacrifice everything to please others, to forsake his own needs to give others theirs. But in his world men are expected to be powerful, in control, domineering - characteristics zack simply does not possess. He has denied himself everything in his efforts to be whom he truly is - and no one saw, no one knew, know one understood. And because no one in his life accepted him as he was, he denied it himself and pretended to be what he wasn't.

How do I know this? Because I have come to the same realizations about myself. I have always been Dominant, I have always needed control over any situation. And in my life being a Dominant woman has not been an accepted norm. Like children, woman are to be seen and not heard. If I review my own life, I realize that the only times I have been truly happy have been those times when I was able to be in control, but because being a Dominant woman is typically not acceptable, I pushed that "inner Bitch" down to where no one would find her.She is simply not desirable.

Fate brought Zack and I together. It has not been an instant recognition of each other as we are supposed to be, however. We have been together for almost 4 years - the first 2 spent very much in turmoil as we struggled to maintain our facades - not understanding ourselves and trying desperately to be what we each thought the other wanted. What is so funny to me now is that our difficulties occurred whenever zack tried to exert control over me (his public image as a man of power) and when I tried to be the "helpless woman" (my public image - and just typing that now makes me want to puke). both attempts disappointing the other.

After 2 years a single event occurred that triggered a realization in both of us - we were opposite sides of the same coin, but also opposing sides to what society expected of us. I came to the acceptance of who I am much more easily than zack has - I suspect that is the same for many men when they finally begin to see what they have known their whole lives. Our first year in this M/s relationship was one of discovery and freedom - we were like 2 kids in a candy store or a couple on a honeymoon. It was the 2nd year (last year) that the reality and the magnitude of the situation became apparent. I accepted it, zack began to push back. And in the words of Forrest Gump "that's all I'm going to say about that".

Zack has come home to himself, to me. It has taken him a long time to learn to trust me in this, to trust that I know who he is, that I love him regardless, love him unconditionally, that I accepted him totally. And I do. Zack is my life. I will never abandon him, and I will NEVER let him go. he is my slave now and forever.