Strange Developments...

Something has changed. I have no idea what. Maybe my own personal challenges of the past weekend have caused a shift in me. Maybe I have fully accepted this new role and I am like a kid in a candy shop. I want it all, and I want to gorge myself on the delights before me. Maybe Zack has convinced me that I am who I am - and I am fantastic. I have no idea,whatever it is, I have never felt like this before.

But I can't move forward with this until I catch up the past. The colossal explosion of past and present has to happen. Over the past 2 years, Zack and I have had some very difficult times. We didn't communicate well. I often felt that my being in his life caused him more stress that it was worth. I couldn't bear the idea that having an affair with me could be worse for him that never having met me at all. When I would express this, Zack's response would be along the lines of "I think you want to dump me; well go ahead if that is what you want". I don't think he knew the pain that attitude caused me - it felt like he didn't care if I was in his life or not. We played this self destructive game over and over. In hindsight, I see that neither of us knew how we should be with the other. We loved each other, we THOUGHT we were communicating - clearly, we were not.

Last winter was the worst, the absolute worst time for both of us. Both of us were going through our own private hell. And I really think that any other couple in our situation would have ended it, right then and there. Somehow, we held on - no matter how much both of us were hurting the other. We knew we loved the other very very much. We just didn't know how to get back on track.

For me, I felt that we had hit rock bottom. Then, I viewed an interview online with a woman who had written a book about Dominatrixes (is that a word??). I was intrigued. More than intrigued - I was capitvated. Something, somewhere deep inside me stirred. I mentioned it to Zack; he had also viewed the video. He began asking me probing questions about what it was that interested me, how did certain things make me feel and so on. (Remember his profile at the very beginning of this?? "Light BDSM"? He knew which way to take me) To make a short story even shorter, we went from 0 to 120 in about 60 seconds. Suddenly, we were questioning each other, and with each conversation "we" became more and more clear. Our previous problems were rooted, I am convinced, in our lack of recognition of who we were, who we are. Zack suspected things about himself, but I really had no clue - as the truth began to dawn on me, that I really was very Dominant, I realized that in my whole life I was the most unhappy when I was not in control of the situation or when someone was trying to dominate me.

Zack was pretty funny when I had this revelation - I could almost hear him sigh "At Last!!" The last 4 months have been a whirlwind (yes, we have only come to this withn the last 4 months) and it has not been perfection, let me tell you. I have messed up plenty. We both have lots to learn, but we are now committed to learning it together. It is my responsibility to teach Zack how he can be my slave, how he can be to please me. I want to be the best Mistress I can be for him. He deserves the best and I intend to be that. I will not settle for anything less.

Now, here comes a twist. I am going to try to articulate this, although we have not been very successful in doing so. Zack can join in with whatever thoughts he might have.

Remember that I am older than Zack. Remember that we both lost our mothers at a very young age - mothering was a component of life we both missed out on. As a mother myself, I have managed to make up for that loss by being nurturing, compassionate, caring and well, motherly. Zack has had no way to make up for that loss - he has never had anyone feel for him, care for him that way. He has gone through life starving for what everyone needs. I love Zack, with all my heart and soul. He needs me - not just the sexual part, but all of me. The mothering I bring with me is as necessary to him as the air he breathes.

When we fuck, we experience that colossal explosion - we call it fusion - the release of enough energy to combine 2 separate beings into 1. It is an experience like nothing else we have experienced. Zack says it is like "coming home". He loves the way I make him feel (and of course, the feeling is quite mutual) - like he is being loved, cared for, and protected like a mother loves, cares for and protects a child. I feel that kind of love for him as well. When we experience fusion in this context - Mother and son - we feel more complete than either of us have felt in a lifetime. I am sure to some readers that sounds REALLY weird, and I am not sure I have explained it properly. Like I said, it is difficult to articulate.

When I fuck Zack in that "Mother" context, there isn't a feeling of "yes, here I am, fucking my son". He is not thinking that he is fucking his Mother. It's not concrete in that way. It is the sense of belonging, of being loved unconditionally, without expectation, without judgement that we feel. (Help me out, Zack - I am not explaining this very well)

And yet, if I whisper in his ear "Do you want Mother to fuck you?" fusion is only a split second away. So, the "M/s Relationship" titled here is not only "Mistress/slave" but also "Mother/son". And this Mother loves this son like no one has ever loved another human being.

I love you, Zack.